CMP Introduction To Empathetic Joy Discussion

Imagine having access to a limitless source of joy. Well, we do! Through the practice of Empathetic Joy we create the healthy habit of taking delight in others' joy - feeling their joy as if it were our own. Not only does this help us to experience more joy in our daily lives, it also helps to reduce the discomfort caused by envy.

Transcript

Welcome to Community Mindfulness Project's explanation of and description of the practice of empathetic joy meditation.

So what is empathetic joy?

It's a heart-opening practice that creates a habit of feeling joy at others' good fortune,

As if it were our own.

So why do we do this?

You can think of happiness as a spectrum,

Maybe with unhappiness being on the left and happiness being on the right or the reverse,

Whichever one resonates with you.

So certain habits pull us down toward the unhappy end of the spectrum,

And others lift us up to the happy end.

And the practice of cultivating empathetic joy moves us up the happiness spectrum in four ways.

First,

It's much harder to feel healthy,

Happy,

Resilient,

Stable,

At peace when we feel isolated or when we operate as an island.

When we feel connected,

A part of a living network of support,

Potential,

And caring,

Our lived experience becomes exponentially richer.

Loving kindness,

Compassion,

And empathetic joy all help us to feel connected to the vast network of people we know,

And even people we don't know.

Not one of us gets through a fraction of the day without some kind of interaction with others.

Even if those others are not present immediately before us,

You can think of the farmer who grew the grapefruit that we ate for breakfast,

For example.

If we understand the reality that we are inextricably linked to multitudes of others,

An awareness that we are not alone begins to take hold.

Second,

We no longer have to look to our own immediate lived experience to find joy.

As we witness the good fortune of others,

We can share in their joy.

We feel happy with them,

Not for them.

Empathetic joy allows us to tap into the joy of others and feel it as if it were our own.

So if you take this to its logical conclusion,

The sources of joy in the world are literally infinite for us.

The third way the practice of empathetic joy moves us up the happiness spectrum is that it helps to overwrite the brain's natural tendency to focus on the negative.

We are literally predisposed neurologically to hold on to negative thoughts longer than positive thoughts.

When we were working with middle schoolers recently,

We asked them to name something that made them unhappy.

It was a snap.

No hesitation.

School,

Tests,

Parents.

When we asked them to name something good in their lives,

There was actually a pause.

And this isn't just teen angst.

This is how we're built.

But by tapping into a sense of joy for others' good fortune,

We are opening our awareness to the world of good fortune that exists but that we often overlook.

And finally,

Empathetic joy is a wonderful offset to envy.

And in this sense,

Not only are we more aware of good fortune,

But we're literally taking a moment that might typically cause us discomfort because we're envious,

And we're flipping it to a moment of joy.

And so I'd like to unpack this a little bit.

Because of the way the human brain is developed,

We worry about the future,

We regret the past,

And we blame ourselves for the present.

You've probably heard this before.

Another way to say that is that most of our unhappiness and dissatisfaction is constructed by the brain.

But we also know that we can literally change our brain through different practices and experiences including meditation and mindfulness.

So we have on the one hand the fact that most of our unhappiness and dissatisfaction is constructed by the brain.

And on the other hand,

There's a way to change our brain and our mind so that we can respond in ways that allow us to be happier.

And I think about this as flipping the moment.

So let's get into the meat of this a bit.

Let's remind ourselves what envy feels like for a bit.

So I'm inviting you now to close your eyes and imagine your favorite sports team,

Or maybe your child's team,

Winning a major game.

Even if it's your child's team,

Imagine maybe your child having scored the winning goal.

Really sense into what that feels like in the body and rest in that sensation for a little bit.

What does it feel like?

Where do you feel it?

Now let's take a moment to imagine a time when your team's arch rival won a major game,

Or maybe it's the rival team of one of your kid's teams.

So you're in the stands and the fans of the other team are going crazy with delight.

They're cheering,

You're sitting right in the middle of them and they're literally screaming and shouting and jubilation.

And you're sitting there because your team lost.

What does that feel like in the body?

And now what would it feel like if you saw a team with whom you had absolutely no connection win a game?

Like you're driving down the street,

You come drive past a baseball field and there are two teams out there playing and you happen to notice that one of them just won the game,

But you don't even know who these people are.

What is that experience like for you?

So if you've closed your eyes and inviting you to open them now,

The reason we feel differently in each situation is just based on our emotional reaction to the event.

There is an evolutionary explanation for our emotional reaction,

But it doesn't always serve us.

We don't need to feel indifferent,

But we can convert some of our discomfort to joy and avoid some of the negative effects of envy.

And again,

I call this flipping a moment and there are tons of moments for us to flip.

So getting a little deeper into envy.

Envy is a really weighted term.

It's one of the seven deadly sins,

Right?

So when we acknowledge that we feel envy,

That might come along with a twinge of guilt or shame,

But really envy is a deeply rooted evolutionary development.

It requires three conditions.

First that we encounter a person usually appear and often the same gender by the way,

And that person has a superior quality,

Achievement or possession.

Second,

We desire that quality for ourselves or at least we wish that the other person didn't have it.

And third,

We're pained by that emotion of wanting that quality object or achievement.

It makes us uncomfortable.

So in some,

And I've seen this definition written and I really like it,

Envy is the pain caused by the desire for the advantages of others.

So it predominantly occurs when we're comparing ourselves to people we consider to be peers,

Friends,

Neighbors,

Parents of other kids at our schools.

And as I mentioned,

Much of our response to what arises in life is a result of our evolutionary development,

Including envy.

We do what we do because we've been wired to pass our genes on to future generations and make sure that our offspring's genes are passed on.

In order to pass our genes on,

We needed to be the strongest or the smartest or the one with the most food so that we could attract the best mate.

So envy was a natural psychological response that evolved over time to ensure our survival.

Maybe it helped us up our game a little bit so that we could become a more suitable mate.

And it doesn't necessarily mean that we want what others have,

It's that we feel inferior for not having what they have.

And like I said,

At one point that might have spurred us on to up our game a bit,

But it doesn't seem to be the case any longer.

Envy has been shown in recent studies to be cognitively depleting,

To reduce persistence in difficult tasks.

So for example,

If you put people in a situation where they feel envious and then you give them a difficult task to complete,

They'll give up on that task more quickly than someone who did not feel envious recently.

So here are the takeaways.

Envy is a deep rooted neurological response.

It's common.

It's felt most strongly when peers achieved some form of relative success.

And it comes with underlying feelings of inferiority,

Which may also trigger feelings of guilt or shame.

And it can also lead to reduced persistence.

But the beauty of our brains is that we have neuroplasticity.

We can,

With practice,

Create new brain habits.

So you can think of your brain as a jungle,

And there have been certain paths hacked through the jungle.

It's easiest to travel those paths,

So we do.

But some of those paths don't take us where we really want to go.

When we meditate,

Or when we engage in these heart opening practices,

We are creating new paths through the jungle so that we can go where we really want to.

Cultivating the practice of empathetic joy,

As well as appreciative joy or gratitude,

We begin to give equal air time to the positive aspects in our lives.

We tap into the positive aspects of others' lives,

And we offset the evolutionary tendency to a sense of inferiority.

So we're not trying to shut out the negative.

We're just trying to create a happier balance between the positive and the negative.

And it just takes practice.

You can see Lindsey Von visualizing a slalom course before she goes down it.

And you can picture maybe Serena Williams thinking that she needs to improve her back hand,

So going out and doing 2,

500 back hands so that in life,

When the real situation arises,

In that game,

For example,

For Serena Williams,

She can allow muscle memory to take over and respond in a way that is much more effective.

And that's what we're doing when we're practicing empathetic joy.

We're making the odds better that our automatic response is one of joy in more situations.

So how do we do this briefly?

And we invite you to listen to one of our guided meditations on empathetic joy.

We start out by bringing an image of ourselves to mind from any stage in our life,

Maybe the present or when we were a child,

When we were experiencing joy of some form.

And so we see if we can evoke that same sense of joy.

Maybe it's a warmth or an expanding sensation around the heart area,

Or even the image of light emanating from the body.

Whatever it is,

We stay with that sensation for a while.

We rest in that sensation for a few moments.

And then we bring to mind a dear loved one who's experienced something positive recently,

Whomever comes to mind first,

Letting go of the need to select someone,

Just allowing someone to come to mind.

And no matter whether their positive experience is big or small,

We cultivate that same sense of joy or we allow for an uprising of that same sense of joy for their good fortune,

As we felt when we remembered our own good fortune.

We can do this really gently,

Just allowing that sensation of joy to blossom gradually.

If in the process of doing this,

You find that your mind has stuck itself to an analysis of the positiveness of the loved one's situation,

Or even anything completely unrelated,

Just smile,

Note what's taken you away for a moment,

And then gently set that thought down and turn back towards the cultivation of shared joy for your loved one's good fortune.

If you like to use words,

Phrases,

Or mantras in your heart-opening practices,

Perhaps offering up a heartfelt wish for this person's continued good fortune.

And also,

If you find that you're judging yourself in any way,

Note that,

Remind yourself,

And gently let go of that judging,

And with a smile,

Turn back toward the cultivation of feeling joy with your loved one.

And then we repeat this process with a friend,

A neutral person,

Even a challenging person,

And also the others in the room with you.

And at the end,

We take a few moments to reflect on the practice,

Perhaps remembering what sharing joy felt like or noting what might have made the practice challenging at times,

Or just taking a few moments to come home to the breath.

So just a few technical tips on the practice.

It's wonderful to check in with yourself as you hold these people in mind to make sure that you're actually cultivating a sense of empathetic joy versus sort of having an experience that's totally in the head.

If you notice yourself struggling to cultivate the depth of feeling that you feel you should have,

Know that this just happens to be your experience in the practice in this moment and nothing more.

And if you notice yourself getting pulled away by thoughts,

Maybe analyzing something or if challenging emotions arise,

Just note that this is part of your practice in the moment.

And after noting that,

See if you can gently let go of whatever it is and return to feeling joy with the individual you've brought to mind.

And if that's not possible,

Try turning your attention to your breath.

You may wish to check in on your physical posture between a loved one and a challenging person.

Just bringing awareness to your breath for a moment.

And as you're sharing joy with a challenging person,

See if your posture is open.

And as opening the shoulders a bit,

Allow for a greater sense of generosity,

A freer flowing of that unfettered joy.

And then lastly,

Because you know from the start that the practice is done in stages,

Moving from one person to another,

Your mind may pull you away from one person to the next person before you have intentionally made that move.

See if you can return yourself to the person you've brought to mind until you intentionally decide to move on.

This can help us in daily life stay focused on the task we're working on without mentally moving ahead until we're ready.

So just a note on how you can do this informally.

So just as you move throughout your day,

Noticing moments where others might be experiencing something fortunate and seeing if you can allow for an upwelling of joy for them.

And even,

You know,

It could be a friend whose child reaches a milestone or a colleague whose good work is recognized or even the fans of a rival sports team,

Whatever it may be,

Just looking for those opportunities throughout the day.

Hoping that this discussion has served you in some way,

Inviting you to listen to our guided meditations on empathetic joy and other practices.

And as always,

Inviting you to send us your feedback,

Your comments,

Your questions by emailing us at welcome at community mind dot o-r-g.

Take care.

Reviews

Grateful for your talk,with blessings