I'm the kind of person who can't stand a question hanging in the air.
If the class is asked to answer and everyone else looks down,
Sitting on their hands,
Something inside causes my hand to reach to the sky.
It's compulsive.
A boiling geothermal current running through my veins,
Pumping my hand up like a steam-powered piston.
And honestly,
Sometimes I don't even know what I'm going to say as my hand starts moving.
I just know I'm so uncomfortable sitting there in silence,
With the echoes of the questions still unanswered.
Part of my discomfort is my concern for the teacher.
They're not getting the feedback they need and I feel bad for them standing there in front of a class that isn't engaged and doesn't care.
And when I'm having a conversation with someone,
I don't like silence.
If you and I were talking,
I'd think of questions or something to talk about so that there'd never be dead air between us.
At a party,
When the hush falls over the group every seven minutes or at twenty minutes past the hour,
I'm going to break the silence.
I'm going to crack the corny joke,
Well this is awkward,
Or something like that.
I think my own insecurities feed into my fear of silence.
Or maybe I'm too scared to be left alone with my thoughts,
With no distractions.
Whatever the case,
I have an aversion to dead air,
To quiet.
So you can imagine my terror when the teacher told me that I was to collect the student's papers after their three hour test,
During which there was to be no talking.
My responsibility was to walk around the room,
Sit and observe,
Enforcing this no talking rule and do nothing else.
I wasn't allowed to read a book,
A magazine,
Look at my phone,
Write,
Draw or do anything but observe.
I wanted to run after the teacher and let her know I couldn't do this.
I couldn't be left in this room in the silence with my thoughts.
I don't usually feel claustrophobic,
But I immediately felt the walls closing in.
My ridiculous inclination to raise my hand all the time had gotten me into this mess.
My daughter's school put out a call for proctors for the year end standardized testing and after many calls,
I responded and offered my services.
That landed me in my current situation,
A closed classroom of 18 high school students taking a silent three hour test.
I was to sit,
Observe and do nothing else.
I occupied the first 20 or 30 minutes,
Meticulously observing each of the students in turn as they took their test.
And I felt the claustrophobia winding its way up through my throat the entire time.
But I wasn't gonna run for the door,
So that was progress.
And after a while,
I decided to take a few slow breaths and meditate.
I figured if I could meditate for five minutes,
Walk around the room for two,
I would only have to go through that pattern 38 times before I could collect the tests.
I could do this,
I said psyching myself up like I was getting ready for some sort of extreme sport.
Well,
My meditation started out typical for me.
I tried focusing on my breath,
And then my mind would wander.
And then I would bring my thoughts back to my breath.
And then my mind would wander again.
Then I'd reprimand myself for not being in control of my thoughts.
Though I know it's fine,
It's really challenging for me to be okay with my thoughts wandering.
And as I struggled with this push and pull,
I found my thoughts going to my family.
I began thinking about some of the things I was hoping to do.
And before I realized what was happening,
I found myself lost in a deep meditative state.
Oddly,
When I think back to that day,
I can't tell you what was going through my mind.
However,
I can remember the elated and euphoric state of mind I had when I looked at the time and realized that two and a half hours had passed.
I was shocked.
I entered into a transcendent meditative state,
Where time passed in the blink of an eye.
But I was awake,
And a refreshing,
Renewing,
Rejuvenating sense of peace descended on me.
The feeling was otherworldly.
As the students began turning in their test,
I sat there dumbfounded.
How could this be?
I wasn't someone who could sit still with my thoughts.
And how was it that this meditation refreshed my spirit in such a profound and transcendent way?
I had tried meditating many times before,
But nothing compared to the meditation I had that day in the classroom.
That was the first time I realized the true healing and rejuvenating power of meditation.
And it was the first time I realized that I could have deep,
Intense meditation experiences.
That odd day changed me.
Not only was it healing,
But it allowed me a glimpse into another dimension.
Maybe that's hyperbolic,
Or maybe there's something to it.
Maybe our states of consciousness can shift to other spaces in time.
I don't know.
But I do know,
As odd as it sounds,
That this experience felt miraculous.
So how about you?
Do you find yourself struggling to be still with your thoughts?
Are you uncomfortable sitting alone with yourself because of your noisy mind?
Like me,
Is it difficult to have meaningful meditative experiences?
Believe me,
I can relate.
But I have hope that you can and will experience deep and healing meditations.
It may be the setting,
Distractions,
Too little time,
Or there may be a host of other roadblocks in your way.
But I believe it is possible.
Because against the odds,
It happened to me.
And I can attest to the wonder.
So I encourage you to keep at it.
Take into account all of the factors that may contribute to a successful meditative practice.
But above all,
I encourage you not to give up on yourself.
And over time,
Maybe when you least expect it,
You may just tap into that transcendent meditative flow and find the peace and freedom you deserve.
