Relationships

Relationships! There's a tricky topic if there ever was one! It easy to struggled to see how thought in the moment is creating our experience of someone. We think, 'If they behave in x way, I will feel y.' Have you noticed how that ends up. But the system works inside out works 100% of the time. It's a principle.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to the Calmcast,

A time to feel calm and think clearly.

I'm Claire Downham,

The Queen of Calm,

A Transformational Life Coach.

I was a burnt out headteacher who finally made the journey to calm after years of trying and I want to prevent you from having to do the same.

The Calmcast is a series of short explorations gently guiding you back to your natural state which is calm and clarity.

Just listen like you would listen to music with an open mind and curiosity.

There's nothing else to do.

Now let's relax into today's episode.

I'm going to talk about relationships.

I really wanted to see something different about relationships and so last night I asked a question of Michael Neill on the inner circle call which if those of you that don't know is a group coaching call that happens once a month for members of the inner circle of which I am one and there's been something I've not been seeing in one of my relationships and as you know what I'm just going to tell you it's my other half Bruce and I've been seeing over time how so many of my relationships have changed and my relationship with Bruce has changed quite dramatically and there's more ease there's more there is more calm in our relationship but then I had got myself into this rut of seeing quite comically something that I often talk about in these lives in that you know I often talk about when we perceive another person we see what we believe about that person so my joke thing is that if I didn't think Bruce was very good at emptying the bins then I would definitely see the bins when they were full and not when they were empty that wasn't quite what I was not seeing that I was seeing about Bruce so that's the first thing in a relationship is that it's what we think we're seeing everything don't we we think we're seeing everything about that person and once we've got focused in on a bit of that person's behavior that we don't like we see more of it so my thing with Bruce was procrastination I think he procrastinates a lot now I've said it out loud it will bring more ease to it I believe anyway so yesterday he was in Trevor our motorhome those of you who don't know Trevor is the motorhome named by my daughter thanks Sophie and he had gone in there to do the certain jobs that we'd agreed needed doing in the motorhome and I came in to find bits of the motorhome nothing to do with what he was supposed to be doing all over the place what are you doing darling and he decided to move some of the bit because it didn't look tidy but of course normally this part he was moving was hidden under under wood and stuff so you'd never see it wasn't tidy but anyway so and so I I've noticed over time that I see I see what I believe about Bruce so that's the first thing to know about our relationships with other people we see what we believe about them and just knowing that you're doing that is really really helpful because it means you can start to just shine a light on it just bring some awareness to it just know that when you're seeing them doing that thing over and over again and not doing the opposite thing the thing you want them to do that you probably well you are know two ways about it you are filtering through your belief about that person so that's the first thing but the thing that Michael Neil helped me to see last night was a bit more significant and that was that no matter how well Bruce knows me no matter how much I know he loves me he's not responsible for how I feel his doing of behavior X so that I can feel why isn't really how it works and I guess that's that's what comes from this understanding over time is seeing more and more places where it works because the thing is it works all the time everywhere a person a relationship a person you're in a relationship with is a circumstance they're a circumstance just like every other circumstance and if you know that your feelings don't come from the weather then also it is possible to know that your feelings don't come from other people because it works with everything and and you know I see this in so many aspects of my life but you know for me that particular relationship has been more difficult to see it and I don't know whether I've kind of cracked it now or whether there's even anything to crack but if I bring some awareness to this I think it will be helpful and I think it's all so helpful to for you to know that I don't see this all the time and everything and that's why I need coaching too and I need to have those conversations too and that's why we all we don't all need a coach but having those kind of conversations can be so helpful I've really I really saw something last night that I hadn't seen before Michael is quite magical but well this conversation is magical I think that's the thing so how is this helpful to you always with this conversation it's helpful because of the knowing not because of the doing I'm not going to tell you what to do but I'm going to remind you that this is how it's working all the time all the time every day no matter what is going on in your life it's working inside out not outside in your perspective is creating everything how you're feeling right now is not because of circumstance X or relationship X or person's behavior X it's because of your thinking about it and when I say you're thinking I don't even mean necessarily you're thinking but thought in the moment thought that is passing through you is creating your experience of that person in your life and I guess as well you know to to to lace through that the psychological innocence of every single person when when Bruce veers off from the task that I thought he was going to do it's it's not a deliberate intent to upset me because he should know by now what I like and what I don't like yeah that's my that's my that's the conversation actually come on darling you've known me for six years now surely you know that this is not why don't you know you're creating my experience and I can laugh about it now because I've seen something and that's kind of what comes to me when I see something different is I tend to laugh about it because I go oh it's one of those moments Michael Neal calls it home a simpson moment when we suddenly see something that we haven't seen before so as always this is an invitation to bring some awareness to to this in your relationships you know what what can you see in your relationships where you are creating an expectation that another person is supposed to be managing your feeling state that another person is responsible somehow for how you feel and you know the amazing benefits of this are that not only in our loving relationships where you know we tend to you know care about the other person and want not to for them to be upset so we we tend not to say things that you know unkind or unpleasant but but also in the relationships in your life that you you find difficult so you know your relationship with your boss or your colleagues or whoever else or your mother-in-law I'm sure lots of people have got mother-in-laws they have a fabulous relationship but obviously there are lots of people who don't and you know whatever relationship it is it's knowing that that you don't have to hand that over you don't have to hand that over to another person knowing that how you're feeling in the moment is what's passing through you it's nothing to do with what's passing through them can be really really helpful in not giving away your feelings or the control of your feelings to somebody else so I you know I'm really grateful last night that I really saw so I really had a bit of a not a massive light bulb moment more of definitely more of a oh dear you know you've seen this I've seen it in so many other places in circumstance physical circumstances in other people my relationships not as close relationships with other people all of that and and hadn't seen it with Bruce which is just comedy in itself so yeah just bring some awareness to this guys it's not it's not I'm not going to tell you what to do this is about noticing how this plays out in your life and it can be so helpful it is so helpful when you start to see it so thank you so much for being here as I say go off live your life and just be aware of how this is working 100% of the time this is a principle it works all the time no matter what you think about it it's a bit like gravity you can't really opt out of it but you can know it's happening and that's really helpful thank you so much for listening there's nothing to do now but bring some awareness to how this is working out in your life listen regularly to experience longer and longer periods of calm this has been the calmcast with Claire Downer,

Queen of Calm,

Take care and keep listening.

Reviews

That was a real lightbulb moment. Thank you. I will see my interactions with my grownup children in a new light.

A brilliant and helpful talk as per usual, Clare. Thanks!