Mindful Presence In Relationships

Is your mind often preoccupied, hindering your presence in relationships? Discover how the 3 Principles can guide you to cultivate mindful awareness, fostering deeper connections and more meaningful interactions.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to the CalmCast,

A time to feel calm and think clearly.

I'm Clare Downam,

The Queen of Calm,

A Transformational Life Coach.

I was a burnt-out headteacher who finally made the journey to calm after years of trying,

And I want to prevent you from having to do the same.

The CalmCast is a series of short explorations,

Gently guiding you back to your natural state,

Which is calm and clarity.

Just listen like you would listen to music,

With an open mind and curiosity.

There's nothing else to do.

Now let's relax into today's episode.

So today we're going to explore mindful presence in our relationships.

And I think there's a couple of aspects to this.

I think both the past and the future can hinder,

Or rather not the past and the future,

But our thinking about the past and the future,

Can hinder our connection in our relationships.

So let's talk about the past first of all,

Because what we're really talking about here is that our natural state is presence.

Our natural state is connection in this moment with someone else,

In terms of our relationships.

But there's often something getting in the way of that.

And when we consider our thoughts about the past,

There's various things that we can become aware of around this.

And I might call them stories about.

So first of all,

There's our story of us in relationships,

What we are like,

What kind of people we think we attract,

What we're like in our relationships,

Generally speaking.

All those kind of things.

There's a lot of things that we can bring with us about us.

And I think that's really the majority of the thinking that takes us away from this present moment connection,

That takes us away from calm,

Is related to judgments of ourselves and things we think are so about ourselves.

And,

You know,

When I do my lives on Insight Timer,

I notice so much in the comments that people's idea of who they are,

That the labels,

That I'm this kind of person,

Et cetera,

Can bring a complication,

I think,

To life in the present moment.

Because in the present moment,

You're not a label.

And there's a lot to see around that in terms of seeing that,

You know,

If we're pointing towards who are you really,

If we're exploring that,

Then none of that label thinking stuff is who you really are.

You are peace,

Love,

And wisdom,

And the capacity to create the illusion that you're not.

Beautiful Jack Pransky quote there.

So there's all the stuff we bring with us from our past.

And that is,

You know,

It is the conditioning.

It is the learning that has happened.

And that's another place to see that it's not real,

Is to see the transient nature of it.

It hasn't always been there.

You have not always been whatever your label is.

It's transient.

It's come into being,

And it seems to be how you are right now.

But it's really powerful when you see it's not.

And how we see ourselves is so important in our relationships.

So that kind of the labels of who you think you are really can get in the way of this presence and this connection to people in the moment.

And the other piece of this is who other people are,

Of course,

You know,

From the past.

We bring in,

You know,

Perhaps we might bring in a generalization about men are like this or women are like that or these kind of people are like that.

Or,

You know,

I've had a relationship like,

Oh,

Look,

Look,

That person's behaving in the same way as my ex did.

And therefore,

You know,

They're going to be the same kind of person.

Now,

I've got my own kind of story around this because my ex-husband and I split up nearly 10 years ago now.

And there were many,

Many behaviors of his that I didn't like.

And when I first met my,

Well,

In fact,

All the time I was dating,

I was almost like looking for those traits to watch out for.

My ex-husband turned out to have Asperger's undiagnosed for many,

Many years.

And we,

You know,

That's another label,

Isn't it?

Watch out for that.

And I,

You know,

I knew what the traits were.

I was very sure of them.

And therefore,

I looked for them,

You know.

Oh,

They're doing that.

Oh,

I can't be with them.

They're going to be like him,

You know,

That kind of thing.

And when I first met Bruce,

My fiancé,

I didn't see any of that.

But then,

Because my mind is already tuned in to watch out for these particular behaviors,

It wasn't long before I started to think he had same kind of behaviors and I kind of tuned into that.

And I've had to just,

And I still do that sometimes,

You know,

Do my amateur diagnosis.

And I,

You know,

I just have to keep bringing awareness to the story.

Now,

The cool thing is that the story generally doesn't feel good and so that's generally warning you.

You're not in the present moment.

You're not with that person as they are right now.

I think all this stuff from the past brings with it a resistance,

Really,

To connecting to somebody on a deeper level,

On a present moment,

Just as they are,

And stops us giving the opportunity for people to change as well.

So that's the past.

Now,

What about the future?

Well,

Of course,

Everything from the past informs how we connect to the future.

And you've heard a little bit there in my talking there about the past.

You've probably heard a little bit about the future.

You know,

I see a behavior in somebody and I think,

Oh,

They're going to be like this.

They're going to turn out like that.

That's the kind of person they are.

And that then informs my fantasies,

Which is what they are,

Aren't they,

About the future,

My illusions about the future.

And then I might start to feel anxious around that person because I'm really tuning in to their,

You know,

Really,

Really tuning in to all the things I might not like about them,

The things I might like to be different about them.

And I'm then starting to tell a story about what that means about them,

About our relationship,

About whether they're suitable to me.

But also I think we can create the fantasy in a different way.

So when I was doing online dating,

I would get chatting to somebody online and I would very quickly,

If I thought they were suitable,

In inverted commas,

Suitable,

And I started to find out a little bit about their personal circumstances and whether they had kids and that kind of thing.

I would go straight into the story.

I'd go miles ahead.

So I would go,

Oh,

This is the one.

He's got,

You know,

He's got,

Oh,

Kids similar age to mine.

So,

You know,

They'll get on,

It'll be nice.

They'll spend time with each other.

That'll be great.

Obviously,

I haven't watched enough films with stepfamilies falling out all the time,

Have I?

Or,

Oh,

They've got a little child.

Oh,

That's great.

My children will be able to babysit their children.

And,

Oh,

My goodness gracious.

You know,

I would get so far off into this future that,

Well,

First of all,

Then my behavior became a little bit desperate,

I think.

And then there was such a lot of anxiety around them not,

You know,

When they didn't reply or when they,

You know,

Online dating people ghost or just disappear completely all the time.

That's just part of the way it rolls.

I would,

You know,

I would be in a state because I would,

You know,

I'd have set my hopes,

Dreams and everything on this person being my person and they were going to be my person.

And,

Yeah,

That was not particularly helpful,

Really.

So,

But you can hear there that it brought about a lot of anxious sensations in my body,

A lot of discomfort.

And the cool thing about that in terms of the power that gives us is it gives us some awareness of when we're going off into the past or the future,

Really.

Generally,

Thinking about the past tends to bring us down.

Thinking about the future tends to make us feel fearful and anxious.

So what's the alternative?

Well,

The alternative is something that is more readily available to you than you might think.

I mean,

If just in this moment you just feel whatever's supporting you,

You might have your feet on the floor,

You might just have your body on some kind of surface,

And that's,

You know,

You just notice that and maybe you notice your breath a little bit as well.

You are just in the present moment.

And I'm noticing myself,

And I don't necessarily see this as a tool.

I see this that comes from awareness.

Anything that comes from awareness I don't think I would call a tool.

I would just call this what occurs to do in the moment.

It's not like every single day when I feel like this I've got to do that.

It's not like that.

It's just I know that the best of me and the best of my connection with this other person is in the present moment.

How do I get there?

I mean,

You're already there,

But how do I settle there?

How do I just see that?

How do I look in that direction?

And for me that often just means something as simple as,

You know,

Just a breath,

Just feeling my feet on the floor.

I had an occasion yesterday when Bruce and I had a,

We were talking about something and it got a little bit,

I mean,

They don't get far,

Our conversations in terms of getting a little bit off,

But it got a little bit off.

And I did exactly that.

I just took a breath,

Felt my feet on the floor because I was noticing there were stories about,

Oh,

Here we go again.

You know,

Bruce is,

You know,

Bruce is off on one.

Of course,

It wasn't me that was off on one.

Of course it was,

Definitely.

Yeah.

And it just,

It can get just easier and easier the more we just practice or just keep looking in that direction,

Just keep going,

Right,

Okay.

How do I,

What is right for me right now to take care of myself and to bring myself back into the present moment?

And it's usually something much less complicated than you might think.

It really is just reconnecting to that present moment.

And all the time you're going to go past and future and judgment and stories and wrongifying people and yourself and shouldifying and all that,

It's all going to happen.

But I want you to know that presence is your natural state.

And if you just go through life with that in mind,

It will just emerge more of the time.

Thank you so much for listening.

I hope you've,

Yeah,

If you come along to some of my live sessions or join me on some courses on Insight Timer,

That would be great.

I'd love to connect with you further.

I hope you found that helpful.

Take care and lots of love.

Thank you so much for listening.

There's nothing to do now but bring some awareness to how this is working out in your life.

Listen regularly to experience longer and longer periods of calm.

This has been The Calm Cast with Clare Downam,

Queen of Calm.

Take care and keep listening.