Inside Out Relationships

In our closest relationships, it really can look like our feelings are coming from the other person (outside in). Like they are making us feel bad (and good for that matter). But relationships like everything else in the world, work inside out. When you realise this all your relationships improve and you stop looking for the other person to change for you to be okay. Join me as I explore this topic from a new perspective.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to the Calmcast,

A time to feel calm and think clearly.

I'm Claire Downham,

The Queen of Calm,

A Transformational Life Coach.

I was a burnt out headteacher who finally made the journey to calm after years of trying and I want to prevent you from having to do the same.

The Calmcast is a series of short explorations gently guiding you back to your natural state,

Which is calm and clarity.

Just listen like you would listen to music with an open mind and curiosity.

There's nothing else to do.

Now let's relax into today's episode.

So today we're exploring inside out relationships.

This isn't the first time I've spoken about relationships and actually I probably,

When I think about it,

I talk about relationships every day because I talk about life and we are in relation,

Aren't we,

With everything in our life.

And our personal relationships are no different to anything else in the way we perceive them.

All the same bits of how we work as human beings come into play.

They have to,

Don't they?

Because there are some principles,

Some consistencies about us as human beings and they are there all the time.

The fact that we think,

The fact that we are alive and the fact that we're conscious.

And the combination of those three things is there creating our experience all the time.

So it's definitely creating our experience of other people.

So a little bit about my story is that my ex-husband,

I have an ex-husband,

We were married for 17 years and together for 20.

And I split up from him in 2013.

Almost exactly nine years ago now,

It turns out.

And it was a difficult relationship mainly because I needed him to be different to how he was.

So I spent a lot of time right from day one really trying to change him with the sense that I would have a better experience of life if he was different.

And we're all doing that all the time because as human beings we just want to feel okay.

If we think that our feelings are coming from the outside world then it will look like the outside world needs to change for us to have that nice experience that we want to have.

So I met my current fiance after a while,

Not straight away,

On Tinder,

The dating app.

And our relationship was exciting and really lovely right from the beginning.

We really fell head over heels pretty quickly,

Both of us.

But then the cracks started to appear and again,

The way we interacted with each other was outside,

Was with a misunderstanding about where our feelings came from.

So I can be a bit critical,

I still can be.

And he would take that very personally and then there would be all these explosions and arguments and he would feel like he wasn't worthy of me,

I suppose,

Because of the criticism.

And then fortunately we both came across the inside-out understanding.

Me first,

I was having some coaching with my lovely friend Peter Sleigh.

And he,

You know,

As he introduced me to the inside-out understanding,

I also introduced it to Bruce and it's had a really quite wonderful impact on our relationship in terms of how we relate to each other.

And here's what's changed really is fundamentally,

If we think our feelings come from the other person,

That other person needs to be a certain way for us to be okay.

And they're not,

Are they?

I mean,

Reality check.

No one's perfect and no one is exactly as we would want them to be all the time.

There just isn't anybody like that.

But when we start to see that we can be okay despite another person's behaviour,

No matter what they're doing,

We can actually be okay,

We can have a nice experience of life,

That starts to change because we might prefer them to behave differently.

There's still some things that Bruce does that I would prefer he didn't do.

But I don't feel like my wellbeing depends on it,

That my sanity depends on it,

That I can't be okay if he doesn't change or do things differently.

So it's got a very,

Very different energy to it,

A really different feeling to it than what it used to feel like,

Which was that if he didn't change,

I would not be able to be okay.

And the other side of that is the idea that you need that other person to make you happy.

It's a joy to be in a relationship with Bruce.

I love being with him.

I want to be with him.

But I don't need to be.

And there's a real different energy about a relationship that's built on that rather than on a sense of need.

I need that person for me to be okay.

I need them to behave a certain way for me to be okay.

All of those things just add an awful lot of heaviness to a relationship because it creates pressure and it creates a lot for us to think about.

And the other thing that happens,

And I spoke a bit about this yesterday,

Was confirmation bias happens.

So I talked yesterday about how that makes us confirmation bias means that once we have a belief about something,

We notice that more and more,

We tend to focus on it.

So if I believe I'm a certain kind of person,

If I believe I'm disorganized,

For example,

I will see disorganization all around me.

And I won't notice the times when I'm actually quite organized.

It's the same with our partners.

If I think Bruce is X,

Whatever that is,

So let's say I think he's disorganized.

He isn't,

By the way.

Let's say I think he is disorganized.

Then I will focus in,

And I know I do this with some of his behaviors.

I still do do it.

I will focus in on those things that I don't like about him.

So I'll just see more and more and more of those things.

They will be the thing that I notice most.

They'll be the thing that I focus in on.

And I'll stop noticing the opposite.

So I would stop noticing the times when he was organizing things and getting things sorted.

And I wouldn't start to only notice that the times when it wasn't that way.

So it's like everything else,

Really.

Everything works inside out.

And there's a space here to get really nice and experimental and like a little detective.

Because you've probably noticed that no matter who we're thinking about,

Whether it's your partner or your kids or your boss or whoever,

That niggly thing that you don't like about what they do,

Some days it's like,

Ah,

I literally cannot be doing with this.

It's all too much.

And other days it's a bit like,

Oh,

A bit of an eye roll or you don't even notice.

So it's good to see that,

I think,

Because it helps us to see that this isn't their behavior that's creating our feelings.

It's how we're thinking about it.

And when we're in a low mood and we're not so good,

Maybe we're tired.

You know,

I have some days where I just know I'm grumpy and I know to not trust myself so much when I'm like that,

To kind of just watch my thoughts go past because they can go really down into a spiral of negativity.

But I don't take them so seriously,

Especially if I'm already tired or already a bit out of sorts or not feeling well or whatever it is.

We're just in a low mood for no reason sometimes,

Aren't we?

And it's noticing.

And I let him know.

I say to him,

I'm going to criticize you a lot today because I'm in a really bad mood.

And then we have a little laugh about it.

And then every time I criticize him,

He just kind of strokes me,

Kind of goes there,

There,

It's okay.

And we can then laugh.

We laugh mostly about things like that these days,

Which is a real transformation.

I lost the direction of where I was going in there,

But you know,

That kind of happens when you're just speaking with what comes up in the moment.

So we can,

When we start to see that it's not them,

It's coming from,

Yeah,

So about experimenting and looking at where we can see this.

And the other place you can see it is that you can wind yourself up really good and proper.

Like if I started now really having a rant about Bruce's behavior and what he does and blah,

Blah,

Blah,

I could start to feel really rubbish when he's not even here in the room,

Somewhere else in the house.

And yet I could really like,

Why am I something he's not doing the thing that I'm bothered about.

So it's seeing that that's me creating that he's not here.

And if you notice that,

You know,

The person can not even be doing the thing,

Not even be in the same city as you and you can wind yourself up with like vanting and talking about how they are without even needing to,

Without them,

You know,

Actually being in your presence or doing the thing that you don't like.

And that's just a place to experiment really and to notice and be a bit of a detective.

You know,

How we are fluctuating in a different way to the outside world.

There is sometimes I think,

I think because he made me confirmation bias comes in here as well,

Maybe because if we believe it's outside in,

Ooh,

I'm seeing something new here.

When we believe it's outside in,

We notice the correlations about when somebody's done something,

I feel horrible.

You know,

When they're doing that,

I feel like this.

Whereas when we start to distrust or disbelieve the outside in misunderstanding,

We start to notice how it doesn't work outside and it works inside out.

And we then start to notice more about ourselves.

So that's why the curiosity that I often talk about is so important because it's for you to see it yourself,

For you to see yourself.

And the other thing is that,

You know,

You'll notice that you can be really wound up about somebody's behavior and nobody else cares.

It's just you,

You know,

You can see that with your children.

You know,

I used to get wound up about,

You know,

My children's behavior sometimes in my old house,

Perhaps,

You know,

My ex-husband didn't really,

Wasn't really bothered about what they were doing or what they were saying or how they were being with each other.

So that's really interesting to see as well.

And the more you look in that direction,

The more you stop seeing the outside in or,

You know,

Confirmation biasing it into your attention.

And then you have a nicer experience of life.

And that's really why we're here,

Isn't it?

That's why you're listening.

That's why you tune in is to have a nicer experience of life.

And we all want that.

So enjoy exploring.

Lots of love.

Thank you so much for listening.

There's nothing to do now,

But bring some awareness to how this is working out in your life.

Listen regularly to experience longer and longer periods of calm.

This has been the Calmcast with Clare Downham,

Queen of Calm.

Take care and keep listening.

Reviews

Brilliant thanks