Hello and welcome to the Calmcast,
A time to feel calm and think clearly.
I'm Claire Downham,
The Queen of Calm,
A transformational life coach.
I was a burnt out headteacher who finally made the journey to calm after years of trying and I want to prevent you from having to do the same.
The Calmcast is a series of short explorations gently guiding you back to your natural state which is calm and clarity.
Just listen like you would listen to music with an open mind and curiosity.
There's nothing else to do.
Now let's relax into today's episode.
I'm not coping with this was something that someone said to me a week or so ago and the thought came to me,
How do we know whether or not we are coping?
And I actually asked this person that question,
I said,
How do you know you're not coping?
And there was a pause and he actually said something along the lines of,
I just need to think about that.
And what I saw in that moment was actually my question was completely innocent.
I really wanted to understand how this person knew they were not coping and I guess the thought was,
The thought that I had was that really how do we know?
Like it seems like we must have some metrics in place,
Some measurement tool or something to tell us whether or not we are coping.
And I suspect when we look back through our lives,
We can probably see moments on reflection when we didn't think we were coping,
But actually we came out the other side and we were fine.
I think the ability to cope is innate in us,
The ability to do the next thing,
Take the next step from that place of presence is innate because all those things that we need to do that are innate wisdom,
Calm,
Love,
All those things are innate,
They're always there.
And the idea of us coping or not must be created by us because let's say you and I were in the same situation and we were seeing whether or not we were coping,
I might have a completely different level of sensation,
Feelings and thoughts etc that I would say meant I wasn't coping or was coping and yours would be completely different.
And what's just come to mind is I guess the phrase I use sometimes is I'm sick and tired of this,
There might be an example,
I don't want this thing to be happening anymore,
But I think I now do have the deep sense that I am still moving forward.
And I guess the other thing to know is that the truth is that as a human being some things are going to be preferable to others,
Some experiences are going to feel nicer than others,
That's always there and that's okay.
I think this idea of coping probably connects quite closely to the idea of resilience and to me that is also innate,
That is like the sense of something,
Some invisible magical thing,
Just pulling you through life.
Unlike the understanding of whether or not we are coping,
The understanding of whether or not we are resilient feels quite similar.
If we think that coping looks like us,
Utterly calm no matter what life brings,
Absolutely almost like free from emotion,
Free from experiencing the ups and downs,
If we think that coping looks like that and we're a little bit off that,
The minute we are aware of ourselves being a little bit off that,
That could send us into the idea that we are not coping.
But that has to be a judgment,
It's a judgment of ourselves,
It's a judgment of what one feeling means against what another feeling means,
That we must be coping really well if we've got a smile on our face and we're calm and happy and content and we're not coping and we've got a different emotional state to that,
That that is laden with judgment isn't it?
And maybe if we know that underneath all of that whatever's going on in our heads and our bodies,
Whatever's going on underneath all of that we are coping.
We're still moving forward,
We're still taking the next step.
Even if it doesn't feel that way,
Even if it feels like the not coping is a stuckness,
We are still moving forward.
But of course if we,
The minute we start believing or thinking a lot that we are not coping,
Every little sign or symptom of discomfort will be an addition into the arsenal of evidence that we are not coping because as I've said before that really is how the system works in terms of how it creates our experience.
If we perceive of something to be true,
If we get something stuck in there then that acts as a filter for how we see the world,
How we perceive the outside world but especially how we perceive ourselves.
So if you feel that a sign of not coping is feeling anxious or feeling stressed or overwhelmed then you're really going to see more of that symptom and add that into the collection of evidence that is proof that you are not coping.
And I feel like all there is here is just a slight nudge in,
In awareness.
Where could you see that you are coping?
Like despite feeling terrible that you're still doing the next thing to resolve the situation that you're in,
To sort out the difficulty,
To resolve whatever it is that needs resolving,
That despite crying you are still managing to do the next thing.
Even if that next thing is picking up a tissue to wipe your eyes you're still moving forward.
It really is a change in perception that would bring about a change in the sense of self,
A change of awareness really because wherever we put the energy of consciousness,
Wherever we put our awareness that is what we will see more of.
And there's a lightness about just changing that just with a little nudge to one side or the other,
Just changing a little bit the awareness.
What if you noticed all the places where you are still coping,
Where you are still getting things done,
Moving forward,
Whatever else.
I think that would have quite an impact on how you would feel about your sense of self in terms of your ability to cope.
So yeah just get curious about this,
Just notice where you can bring some awareness to this.
Thank you so much for listening.
There's nothing to do now but bring some awareness to how this is working out in your life.
Listen regularly to experience longer and longer periods of calm.
This has been the Calmcast with Clare Downham,
Queen of Calm.
Take care and keep listening.
