How Response-Ability Helps Us Feel Less Stressed

Have you noticed what happens when you act from a place of reaction? You tend to snap, say unkind things especially to the people you love. The way you are with the people around you is completely different when you are calm. When you are in a calm state, you are response-able! You still might feel the need to express something to someone but the way you do that will be very different. Want to learn how to be more response-able then understanding how the mind works is vital.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to the CalmCast,

A time to feel calm and think clearly.

I'm Clare Downam,

The Queen of Calm,

A Transformational Life Coach.

I was a burnt out head teacher who finally made the journey to calm after years of trying and I want to prevent you from having to do the same.

The CalmCast is a series of short explorations gently guiding you back to your natural state,

Which is calm and clarity.

Just listen like you would listen to music,

With an open mind and curiosity.

There's nothing else to do.

Now let's relax into today's episode.

So today I'm going to talk about responsibility.

Now I know that word has a different meaning when it's the whole word together,

Responsibility,

Responsibility,

But actually I prefer to split it into response ability,

I.

E.

The ability to respond and how that kind of works alongside stress,

Like how our inability perhaps to respond rather than react can really feed into our levels of stress,

The way our relationships work,

Because this month we are focusing on relationships and how they are and how we can have better ones,

Because I think we all want that,

Whether that's,

And it doesn't really matter what relationships we're talking about.

I think often when you say the word relationship,

People think you're talking about a significant other,

Your partner,

Your one true love or whatever you want to call them,

Your other half,

You know,

I don't know,

Boyfriend,

Girlfriend,

Husband,

Wife,

Whatever,

Doesn't really matter what you call them,

You'll have your own word for that,

But we're talking not just about those relationships,

But about every single relationship that we have in our lives and other people for me used to be,

Or appear to be in fact,

A huge cause of stress,

Because as I like to tell people,

So many people don't live their life Claire's way.

You might have noticed that lots of people don't live their lives your way and that can seem to be an irritant,

Can't it?

I'm just laughing at myself,

You might be sat there laughing at yourself too,

Because it really can appear that if all those other people just behaved in a better way,

And better is an inverted commas of course,

If they all just behaved in a better way,

I could have a much nicer life,

I could be calmer,

I could be happier,

Etc,

Etc,

But that is a trap,

An illusory trap really,

Because fundamentally our feelings don't come from the outside world.

So this is how I see it plays out with many of the people I work with who perhaps are having some issues with their relationships in the context of an experience of stress and overwhelm and anxiety.

People can be a real big part of that.

There are circumstances as well that feed into those issues,

But often that relationship or relationships with other people are a key part of what brings about,

Or seems to bring about,

Stress,

Overwhelm and anxiety,

Which is what of course I help people with.

So this is how I see it plays out,

And as I tell this story,

And I probably will tell some personal stories in this as well,

Is that I've seen this playing out in my own life.

With one particular relationship,

I've seen a huge transformation since I came into this understanding from a relationship that was difficult,

From a person who seemed to be extremely difficult.

And to be fair,

If I sat down with you and described some of the things this woman has done,

You probably would be on the same page as me in terms of the difficulty of her behaviour.

However,

This is what I've seen happen.

So this person's behaviour used to appear to be a huge problem in my life,

In my fiancé's life,

And we would react to everything she did.

And mostly,

That wouldn't be verbal conversations,

Although there were some of those that were not pleasant,

They were mostly her messaging us with unpleasantness and telling us what to do and being quite rude and changing arrangements at the last minute so that my fiancé didn't see his son as much as he would like,

Etc.

So what used to happen was we would react.

So we would,

And I see this a bit like somebody's already sparking,

They're already upset and angry,

And when we react,

We pour extra fuel on the fire.

So that's what would happen.

She would send a rude message,

Telling us something about what we've done that she didn't like and how we were doing X,

Y and Z.

And we would react so that,

You've done it,

Haven't you?

Don't tell me you haven't done it.

You've all done it.

You've all sat there with your phone,

Virtually breaking the phone screen or on the keyboard with an email,

Sending,

You know,

Angrily banging out the keys.

And that would,

And this would often be happening on a Sunday night,

Which should be a nice chilled evening,

Really,

But could happen other times of the week too.

And then,

So we would reply from a place of,

Well,

A place of indignation and how very dare you speak to me like this and da da da da da.

And we would reply back.

And then she would reply back and we would reply back.

And then by the end of the evening,

I mean,

There were many,

Many nights when,

I mean,

My fiancé,

One of these people who doesn't really matter what goes on,

Just goes to sleep.

Whereas,

You know,

I mean,

I'm not saying she just goes to sleep.

Whereas I would be riled up,

Angry.

I'd be thinking over better replies to get her to be different.

And I would be,

You know,

Not able to sleep.

My head would be spinning.

And I then might,

If I did get to sleep,

Then I'd wake up again in the night and then be off again,

Trying to work out what else I could say to get her to stop doing what she was doing.

But it was all done from a really horrible feeling.

And that's the key.

That's the thing to notice about that.

And it went on and on and on like this for,

Like,

I'm not joking,

For years.

Like,

There'd be a few days of quiet and then there'd be something else.

And then there'd be a few days of okay,

And then there'd be something else.

And the frequency of these kickoffs between us would be,

You know,

More than once a week for some periods or at least once a week.

And it was,

It was exhausting.

It was ridiculous,

Really.

But what was keeping it alive was the feeling state that I would be in,

Because it usually would be me who replied,

Because I'm just a bit faster at typing on the phone than Bruce.

I'll just do it.

I'll be telling him what to say.

I'll just do it.

I'll just do it.

All right,

There,

Bye.

So that and that would,

It would,

You know,

That went on for a long time.

And I would,

I started to see it.

I started to see it,

But still do the reacting.

So I started to be aware.

Now,

I wasn't really going to say,

But still,

She needs to know.

If she just stops doing this,

We'll be fine.

And I remember a couple of things happened.

One thing happened was that my fiance one day,

Something else had happened.

And I remember we were stood in his office and he just said,

Oh,

If only she would just stop.

And as he said that,

I just said,

Oh God,

She's not going to,

She's not going to just stop.

She's not going to do that.

And that's not,

That's not our realm of control anyway.

She,

She's,

We can't,

She's trying to control us,

But we're trying to do the same way.

You know,

Life is a mirror,

Isn't it?

We're trying to control her too.

We're,

We're trying to stop her doing this in the same way that she's trying to stop us doing things.

So we had this huge,

I had this huge realization.

I said that to him.

I said,

She's not going to do that.

And so the only thing that can change is,

Is us.

And then I remember the moment when I was fully aware or as fully aware as I was at that time of my state of mind in that interaction.

So one Sunday night a message came through and it was the usual,

We've not done it right.

We've not done what we're supposed to do,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

And I remember reading it and feeling that.

So that initial feeling,

This is,

This is where we,

This initial feeling is just,

That's your reaction.

And that is not,

That is not for you to control.

Forget about it.

Forget about trying to stop that happening.

Cause I think that's one of the things I often see when I talk to my clients is that they think they've got to control that feeling,

Like they've got to squash that feeling down.

And,

And,

And,

And if they have those reactions that that's wrong somehow.

Now those reactions are coming from Lord knows where,

But I would say they're coming from the past.

They're coming from so-and-so,

Something's happening outside of me.

This is my habitual reaction to that thing,

To the,

To,

To it's,

It's triggering,

You know,

It's,

It's me.

I'm triggered in some way,

Not it's triggering me,

But there is a trigger there for me.

And then there's a feeling,

You know,

I don't,

You can call that feeling wherever you could be anger,

Could be anxiety,

Could be a stressful feeling,

Could be feeling of overwhelm.

Those feelings are letting us know that the,

That the,

The,

The reaction,

An old reaction,

A habitual reaction,

That's just,

It's happened so many times before.

And this is where we can beautifully get really curious to sort of see,

Oh,

Right.

So I,

I,

I do this often.

This is how I am with this kind of situation.

And that's cool to see.

I think that's powerful to see that.

So on this particular evening,

The message came in and I felt the reaction.

And in that moment,

I knew that I was not in a fit place to reply to that message.

So I put my phone down and I did something else.

That's all.

That's all.

I didn't do anything about this feeling.

I didn't try to get rid of it.

I didn't try and make the thinking go away.

I didn't try and work on it.

Nothing at all.

I just knew,

Just knew I was not in a good state of mind.

If I replied from that place that,

That she wasn't making me feel that way,

That,

That feeling was me in a reactive,

In a state of reaction.

So I put my phone down.

We,

I think we were in the middle of cooking.

So we ate evening meal and went and chilled,

Watched a bit of telly.

And I think later on,

I looked at that message and I just thought there's nothing to do about this.

There's something powerful that happens when you can see that somebody else's state of mind is not good.

People don't write angry,

Poorly grammatical messages that last three scrolls on WhatsApp when they're in a good state of mind.

So,

So what would we be replying to somebody else's poor state of mind from?

Our poor state of mind,

You can see why that creates a mess,

You know,

Crashing together of two states of mind,

Two dodgy states of mind.

Not,

Not helpful.

It's like throwing fireworks into a fire.

You wouldn't do that really.

And then try to duck and get out of the way as they fire towards you.

Now what's happened over time with that is that I have,

Well,

We both have less and less,

It's usually me,

We've less and less replied from these poor states of mind.

Now,

This is useful to know because what I can perhaps imagine you saying now is,

Well,

Yes,

But there are some things that just aren't okay and I don't want people to do them.

Well,

I'm telling you now that if you wait and you come back to it later,

You either will just think,

Oh,

I can't,

There's no point in replying to that.

Or you will still say,

Please,

Can you not do that?

This thing that you've been doing,

Can you not do it?

It's not,

It's not helpful.

Or you just won't reply at all.

But the way you reply will be very different when you come.

And I know you've seen this and it's just worth experiment with this,

Experiment with letting something go and then coming back to it later and notice how different you are.

So I've talked a little bit longer than I normally do here.

So how responsibility helps with stress is that we're not feeding more and then getting more back.

Like if somebody's behaving in a way or sending you rude messages and you want,

You obviously,

We'd all love that to stop,

Wouldn't we?

We're just human.

But when you start to see that what you're feeding into it and you start to not do that,

It goes.

So,

And it gradually disappears.

And over the last few years,

This person does a lot less of these things,

A lot less,

Like unbelievably less.

It's phenomenal how much it's changed.

So I hope you found that super helpful.

Do head over to my profile and find out more about what I'm sharing and what I'm doing in the world.

And if you'd like to have a conversation or something like that,

Then please do head over there and let's connect and see what we can talk about.

See if I can help you with your responsibility.

Take care.

Lots of love.