Creating Boundaries With Grace

Are you struggling to set healthy boundaries in your relationships? Join us to explore how the 3 Principles can guide you in establishing boundaries with grace and assertiveness, empowering you to build more balanced connections.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to the CalmCast,

A time to feel calm and think clearly.

I'm Clare Downam,

The Queen of Calm,

A Transformational Life Coach.

I was a burnt-out headteacher who finally made the journey to calm after years of trying,

And I want to prevent you from having to do the same.

The CalmCast is a series of short explorations,

Gently guiding you back to your natural state,

Which is calm and clarity.

Just listen like you would listen to music,

With an open mind and curiosity.

There's nothing else to do.

Now let's relax into today's episode.

So,

Today we're going to explore boundaries,

And it seems I'm on a bit of a theme at the moment,

Discussing things that have had good PR over the last few years,

Because there's a lot of talk about boundaries,

And how we have to establish those and make them very rigid,

In order to keep ourselves safe,

Because I know for some people that's a physical safety thing,

But for most of us,

Our boundaries are something around our emotional state,

I think.

Although I think where we do allow people to perhaps do more,

Or have us do more perhaps,

Than is helpful to us,

Those boundaries can,

Or the lack of them,

Can become something that ends up making us ill.

And I would say for me that was key in my downfall,

In what happened to me in terms of my burnout,

Was definitely something around a lack of boundaries,

And a lack of being able to say no.

But I would say that for me,

The boundary was really clearly within,

Because there was a part of me that wanted to be doing an awful lot out in the world,

Going on far too many dates,

And going out too much,

And seeking my well-being in the outside world.

And the result of that was burnout,

Because I had a lot to think about,

And an awful lot to do,

A lot more than really was healthy for me.

So there's something here around seeing that,

Becoming aware,

I guess,

Of what it is that has you put yourself in a position that's not healthy for you,

Because that's really what a boundary is,

Isn't it?

It's just not allowing or not having something happen that is not good for you.

Now,

I've spoken to people before,

And when you speak about boundaries,

It sounds like it's something very rigid,

That there is a rigidity to it.

It's like it's a big stone wall around me and my house,

And all the people,

And it's very,

Very rigid,

And if I don't establish something that's very rigid,

Then I'll somehow be in danger.

So there's two things about that.

First of all,

There's this idea that our well-being can be damaged by the outside world,

Our emotional well-being,

Our mental well-being,

Which isn't true.

And second of all,

There's something about rigidity which doesn't sit well with me in terms of our present moment guidance as to what is right to do and what is right to say yes to and what is right to say no to.

So there's a real difference between us going,

Right,

Well,

That's my boundary now.

I'm not going to let that person speak to me that way or send me a message that way or come into my space that way.

I'm going to say no to everything that person asks of me,

And as a result,

I'm going to be all nice and safe in my little box with a big stone wall like a castle.

I'm going to be safe in my castle.

But I think that puts us in a place of trying to control the future,

Which is not helpful,

And not trusting our in-the-moment intuition.

It's like,

Well,

I must put in these boundaries because I don't trust myself.

And I spoke to somebody yesterday,

And we were talking about trust.

And I think there is something about if you need to put a boundary in,

You don't trust yourself to make a decision in the moment for what's best for you.

And this lady was actually talking about writing everything,

Every little thing on a list and saying that,

A,

That made her feel like she didn't trust herself to get things done.

Now,

I write things on a list,

But it's mainly because I do trust myself to get things done.

It's not about not being productive,

But it is about my memory.

I can easily forget to do things.

She was a lot younger than me,

So not so much so,

Hopefully.

But also that if we have to put everything on a list,

We don't trust the universe to look at,

That everything's unfolding perfectly and that actually if we forget to do something,

Perhaps that thing was never meant to be done.

So when we put these very rigid boundaries in place,

It is almost saying,

I don't trust you to yourself,

I don't trust you to look after yourself.

And then you may put boundaries in in one area of your life and you'll find that the pressure or the excessive workload or the too many things to do and too many things,

Creeps in from another direction because you've not developed that ability in the moment to know whether something is okay for you or not.

And that's a lot simpler than you might think because if we navigate by our emotional state and therefore our state of mind,

We can actually navigate life moment by moment.

So let me explain a little bit about what that looks like.

It's definitely about listening to your body.

So I speak to a lot of people who are burning out or who have burnt out and they will say,

I know there were things I should have said,

There were people,

Situations,

Opportunities,

That it would have been better for me to say no to,

But I said yes to them.

So that there were no boundaries there at all,

But there wasn't a connection to the body.

So let's take this down to its really simplest level.

On the simple level,

Physically,

So this is about physically first of all,

Being in touch with your body,

Is if you are tired,

You need to sleep and rest.

If you are aching,

Then you need to,

You know,

Perhaps move more or whatever.

If you,

Every time you eat something,

You get a terrible pain in your stomach,

Then maybe you need to listen to your body and not eat that thing.

There's all sorts of ways,

You know,

Like sometimes I've been sat in my chair for a while and I'll start to notice my lower back is a bit twingy and,

You know,

I know I need to get up and move about and maybe,

You know,

Give my neck a little roll or whatever.

You know,

There's things I can do to relieve that,

To just,

You know,

Kind of shake that off.

But,

You know,

If I'm not listening to my body or if I'm listening to my head and my head is saying,

Well,

You've got actually loads of work to do,

So you can't actually get up from this chair,

You need to stay put,

Then I will probably stay put and that won't be good for me.

So there's something on that basic level.

So if you're absolutely shattered and,

You know,

Somebody gets in touch with you and says,

Well,

Can you just,

Can you just squeeze,

Can you just squeeze this in?

And your head says,

People pleaser,

Don't want to get this wrong.

You know,

I want to make sure everybody's OK.

There's some guilt there,

You know,

So you do something from your headspace and there's the old psychology and conditioning that has you perhaps be somebody who wants to make everybody happy.

Whereas if you listen to your body,

You will hear that your body says,

You don't have physical capacity for this.

Your body is so much wiser than your noisy head,

And your noisy head is just running old conditioned habitual ways of being in the world and therefore is not about what's present right now.

And what's present right now is your body,

Because it can't not be.

Bodies don't do time travel unless they're Dr.

Who's body or whoever he has in his tardis with him.

Or in fact,

The children in the mystery,

What's it called?

Something about Sulphur Springs.

We've just finished watching on Disney.

Very good.

Highly recommend that.

They did a lot of time traveling,

But our physical body doesn't time travel.

So it's got the truth of the present moment with it.

Like a deep connection to the present moment.

And to me,

That is a deep connection to the,

You know,

Universal intelligence.

Your body is connected all the time to universal intelligence.

That's how it's,

You know,

Strongly connected.

That's how you're breathing and your heart's being infused,

Being digested and whatever else is being processed in your body.

What's happening in your body is happening with ease and with flow without any issues.

So when we are listening to our body,

We will be more likely to say no to things.

Now,

The other thing to notice when we're perhaps in more of that kind of,

You know,

No boundaries kind of saying yes to everything is,

You know,

To notice how that feels.

Now,

If that feels kind of,

You'll know the feeling,

The feeling where you're just kind of,

You know,

You're just doing something because that's what you do,

Generally speaking.

And what I find happens over time with people is that as they start to say no,

It's like we step through that conditioned thinking.

We step through our conditioning.

So the first time you say no,

You're probably going to feel horrible.

Now,

Remember,

It's your horrible thinking about you saying no that's the issue,

And that feels,

Might feel anxious,

Might feel,

You know,

Fearful,

Like you're stepping outside what people are expecting of you,

And there'll be a lot of thinking,

And there'll be some emotion with that.

And that's why we don't say no,

Isn't it,

Because it feels terrible to say no sometimes.

But every time you say no,

That will get easier.

Every time you just realize,

Oh,

It's my thinking about saying no that's the issue here,

It's not me saying no.

My body is screaming for me to say no because somebody is saying,

Can you come and do something until 11 o'clock tonight?

And I'm absolutely shattered,

And I haven't got the energy to go do something until 11 o'clock.

So I'm going to have to say no.

You know,

My body is screaming for me to say no and have an early night and be in bed by half past nine.

But my thinking about saying no to those people who want me to do something is ramped up,

And then we're feeling that in our body.

So we don't say no because we think the feeling will go away if we do the yes thing.

The feeling will go away anyway because the feeling is generated by your thinking about saying no,

Not by saying no.

And as I say,

The more you say no,

The more,

The easier it will get.

You just keep saying no,

And you keep saying no,

And you keep saying no again,

And eventually that becomes easy to say,

No,

I don't want to do that.

That's not for me.

And then the no comes with that grace.

It just comes from a place of calm,

You know,

Calmly saying,

I'm really sorry,

But I don't say sorry so much either.

I'm allowed to say no without saying sorry,

But you might want to say sorry.

You know,

I can't do that.

It's not possible.

And then there's just this kind of falling away really,

And you can step into a space of a new you,

A more connected you,

A more present you,

A you that's looking after your body better.

So that was creating boundaries with grace,

Exploring lots of things around relationships at the moment.

But whenever you're listening to this,

There will be live sessions available on Insight Timer,

Courses being created all the time.

So please do,

You know,

Follow me,

Connect with me,

Come and see what else I've got going on to help you to just have a nicer experience of life really,

Because I think that's what most of us want,

Don't we?

So take care and,

Yeah,

Keep tuning in.

Thank you so much for listening.

There's nothing to do now but bring some awareness to how this is working out in your life.

Listen regularly to experience longer and longer periods of calm.

This has been The Calm Cast with Clare Downam,

Queen of Calm.

Take care and keep listening.

Reviews

I really related to this. Boundaries have changed my life for the better & I have learned to say “no” & stop being a people pleaser. Thank you.

Wow! This really resonated with me and the lack of setting appropriate boundaries for myself. Thanks for sharing.