Commitment

Commitment is a word which is used a lot in relationships, in business and in learning to name but a few. But here is a different question about commitment. How committed are you to what you make up? I mean the things you make up about the future, the thoughts you imagine in other people's heads and even the beliefs you have about yourself. Have you noticed that they come with a feeling (it's not nice) and have you noticed that the more committed you become, the worse the feeling gets?

Transcript

Hello and welcome to the Calmcast,

A time to feel calm and think clearly.

I'm Claire Downham,

The Queen of Calm,

A Transformational Life Coach.

I was a burnt out headteacher who finally made the journey to calm after years of trying,

And I want to prevent you from having to do the same.

The Calmcast is a series of short explorations gently guiding you back to your natural state,

Which is calm and clarity.

Just listen like you would listen to music with an open mind and curiosity.

There's nothing else to do.

Now let's relax into today's episode.

So today's little exploration is around the word commitment.

It's an often used word in our lives,

Isn't it?

There's a suggestion that there's some importance behind commitment,

Committing to something in your physical life,

Maybe an exercise regime or an eating plan or things like that.

There's all the things around our businesses and what we might commit to in them.

There's relationships,

Of course.

We make a commitment,

Don't we,

To somebody in a relationship.

So in that regard,

It's kind of got a nice tinge to it,

The word commitment.

But today I'm going to ask a different question about commitment,

Really.

And that is for you to bring some awareness to how committed you are to that which passes through your head,

Your thinking.

It's strange,

Isn't it,

That I would be talking about thinking.

I do that a bit.

But I really got this feeling to talk about the word commitment today because I've really been noticing something about that myself.

And for me,

If you've listened to me before,

You'll know that I can be a ranter about other people's behaviour,

Particularly certain people in my life.

And I get very committed to the story that I am telling about those people and how they're behaving,

Like very committed.

I get myself really,

Really entrenched in it.

I suppose it's bigger than commitment.

I've dug a hole,

I've climbed in it,

Probably pushed the soil over the top again.

I become very committed.

But what I've started to notice is that when I go into that place of committing myself to my thinking,

Of convincing myself that what I am saying about somebody else's behaviour or how they are or whatever is true,

There is,

As I become more committed,

There is an increase in a pretty uncomfortable feeling.

And this is where the real distinction can come in when you are committing yourself to your thinking,

Is that what I used to think when I was ranting about other people and getting really caught up in how they were being and their behaviour,

How they weren't doing it right,

Of course,

Because I am ultimately right in my dreams.

I used to think that that horrible feeling was coming from those people,

From their behaviour,

From how they were being in the world,

That they were making me feel blooming awful by being the way they were being.

And that really seemed that by ranting it out enough,

And maybe even sometimes saying something to them about it,

That I would somehow get some relief from the discomfort.

I used to pretend to myself I was trying to understand them.

If I can understand this person's awful behaviour better,

If I can understand why they're doing what they're doing,

If I can ramp myself through it,

I will get to the point where I achieve peace somehow.

That was the message that was probably,

I don't know,

It seemed to be running around inside me.

If I kept ranting eventually,

I would feel better.

And I don't know if you've noticed,

But that's just not true,

Is the simple statement there,

Is that as we rant we feel worse and worse and worse.

Now,

The reading of my feelings has changed over time,

And I don't read them accurately all the time.

Definitely do not manage to do that.

But some of the time I do.

Some of the time I start the ranting.

I notice the feeling,

And I remember that I'm making that feeling.

And that is transformational,

Because then in that moment it doesn't make sense to carry on.

Because now I know that that uncomfortable feeling is coming from me,

It's coming from how I am connecting to what has happened,

What the other person has done.

It's coming from that thinking,

That perspective that I have on that other person's behaviour.

And this makes it much simpler,

And that for me is continually where I will be pointing you,

And where I keep pointing myself is towards simplicity.

The simple truth is that if I have an off feeling,

It's coming from my off thinking.

And it seems to me that the more committed I become to that off thinking,

The more content I add,

The more ranting I do,

I feel worse.

It's the commitment to that that increases the energy that that thinking has,

And of course,

The more energy that thinking has,

The more uncomfortable the feeling.

And there's nothing to do here,

But there is a direction to look in,

And the direction to look in is as opposed to looking one way,

Which is these people and their behaviour is making me feel terrible.

And as I feel worse,

Because I've committed to that belief about them,

That is also coming from them.

And I'm inviting you to look the other way,

Off feeling equals off thinking.

And when I think about the difference there is that when I think about that ranting and that commitment to the ranting and the commitment to the story,

It feels like a big pile of rubbish.

That was another word I wanted to use there.

I'm going to go for rubbish,

A big pile of rubbish building up in my space.

Like my space is the only bit I've got a little bit of advocacy over.

Whereas when I look in the other direction,

There is space.

Because in that space where I say,

And I know,

I don't say I just know,

That that off feeling is coming from my off thinking,

Then there's just less to think about.

And all of our uncomfortable feelings come from basically too much thinking,

Overthinking,

That overwhelmed feeling,

All those other feelings that you don't like,

They're coming from thought.

And when we remember that,

And it is a remembering because there was a point in our lives when we really did know this very,

Very easily and flowed between our feelings because we didn't judge any of them as being wrong and we didn't have all that extra thinking about them.

When we look back to the truth that which is inside us,

There is just a remembering,

There's a remembering.

And the remembering for me is sparked by that remembering that the feeling,

The feeling that I've got,

That horrible feeling that I've got because I've committed to this story about another person's behaviour,

Whatever other stories we might commit to,

Is knowing that that feeling is coming from me.

And then it occurs to do something.

Maybe,

Maybe it just occurs to let it pass,

But sometimes it occurs to take a deep breath or go for a walk or whatever,

You know,

Whatever occurs to you.

But the occurrence of what to do comes from the knowing.

The knowing is I know that feeling is coming from my ranting,

It's coming from my commitment to a story that I have made up about life.

Now I have talked today about mostly about ranting because that's my little thing that I don't always catch early on.

Now for you,

It may be your thoughts about the future.

It may be thoughts about yourself,

What you can and can't do,

What other people are thinking about you.

There is a whole list of things that could fall into this category,

But they're all the same.

If they're giving you an off feeling,

Telling you that your thinking is off.

And it is in the seeing of that,

That it is possible to fall back into this simpler place,

Back into this place of calm,

That is always,

Always available to you.

It never,

Ever goes away.

You don't have to find that outside you.

So today's invitation is to just be aware of when you have an uncomfortable feeling,

Where that's coming from.

Have you committed to a story?

Have you decided it's true?

And are you on a journey with that story inside your head that is creating that horrible feeling?

So just just be open to seeing how this is playing out.

Thank you so much for listening.

There's nothing to do now,

But bring some awareness to how this is working out in your life.

Listen regularly to experience longer and longer periods of calm.

This has been the Calmcast with Clare Downer,

Queen of Calm.

Take care and keep listening.