Balancing Work And Personal Relationships

Join Clare for an exploration of how to create a balance between work and personal relationships which provides an opportunity to learn a simple understanding of how your mind works which helps to develop self-awareness.

Leave your busy intellectual mind behind and listen to this track like you would listen to music, in the background. Remember that you can listen to this track again and again to deepen your access to calm, balance and clarity in your life and business.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to the CalmCast,

A time to feel calm and think clearly.

I'm Clare Downam,

The Queen of Calm,

A Transformational Life Coach.

I was a burnt out head teacher who finally made the journey to calm after years of trying and I want to prevent you from having to do the same.

The CalmCast is a series of short explorations gently guiding you back to your natural state,

Which is calm and clarity.

Just listen like you would listen to music with an open mind and curiosity.

There's nothing else to do.

Now let's relax into today's episode.

So today we're explore,

Exploring,

Exploring.

I love it when I start off with the inability to speak on a live podcast recording.

I always think that's a good start.

So today we're talking about balancing work and personal relationships with your family and friends.

And I'm going to talk about that today.

I'm going to talk about personal relationships,

Which is something that I talk to people about a lot because it seems like that's another thing to do,

Doesn't it?

And even as I'm saying that I'm seeing something fresh and new about this,

It can really look like it involves a lot of balancing things and forcing ourselves to be balanced between our work and our personal relationship.

But in actual fact,

Something naturally emerges when we understand better our own functioning and how we work.

So let's explore this a little further in terms of that word balance,

Because I tried and I was trying when I was burning out 100 miles an hour,

I was trying to apparently create balance in my life.

And what that actually involved for me was I didn't have a personal relationship.

I had a relationship with my children,

But I didn't have a partner at that time.

And that involved me doing an awful lot outside of my work,

A lot of dating and a lot of going out.

And I thought that was me creating balance.

It was just me doing a lot.

It was me making sure I was having a good time as well as working because that was important.

And I thought I thought self-care,

That going out and partying and doing lots of things.

And it all looked very forced and very like I had to make myself do it very much like I had to make myself do it.

Now,

These days,

It's very different and it's really hard to describe without sounding like I float through life kind of doing what I like.

I don't do that.

I have appointments in my diary.

As you know,

If you're watching this,

Actually watching this live,

I do turn up and I do do things to help people.

And I do have some regularity to some kind of routine and things that I actually do on a regular basis.

But I think where the difference is now is that there's something about presence for me.

If we're looking at our life and going,

Oh,

This is really out of balance.

I'm not spending enough time in my personal relationships.

I'm spending far too much time working.

How do I force it back the other way?

Well,

Of course,

That does seem to be hard work.

If,

However,

We are present with those that we love when we're with them and we perhaps start to notice that we're a bit fractured with each other or some parts of our relationship perhaps are not as present as they once were.

And there are lots of different parts of our relationship that could be.

That could be the physical part,

But it could be that we're not making time for each other.

We're not going out very regularly and we're not spending that quality time with each other.

Now,

If we're present,

That will become apparent.

Bruce and I have these conversations sometimes where we just say,

Oh,

This bit's got a bit out of kilter.

Let's have a look at that.

Let's just bring some awareness to it.

And often just by bringing some awareness to it,

It does seem to resolve itself.

But let's just poke around a little bit in why we're working so hard.

Because that's,

Like,

If we keep going down,

I've talked a little bit on the surface,

Though,

We can look at our relationships and be present in our relationships and notice when they're getting out of balance.

But why,

Why are our relationships and our work,

How is that getting out of balance in the first place?

Well,

Here's what I see about that.

And it is,

It's doing too much,

To be honest.

It's,

It's trying to get somewhere in our business to the next level of income,

To the next level of clients and the next feeling of security that we think is going to come from having that many clients or having that much money or having whatever else it is.

It's that,

It's that push.

So it's that that makes us stay at our computer when really it's time to eat an evening meal with our family or it's time to spend some time just chilling with our partner.

It's that that's pushing us.

And what about that?

What is that,

That need to keep going and keep going and keep going?

Well,

The word that comes to mind as I say that is fear,

Insecurity,

Fear of failure,

Well,

The word that comes to mind as I say that is fear,

Insecurity,

But not just fear and insecurity,

But believing that we can get rid of the fear and insecurity by having more,

Having a bigger business,

Having more money,

Having more clients.

And I,

I hear this a lot from,

I have colleagues,

A lot of colleagues,

Well,

I work with some people who have,

Have lots of money and,

And there's never enough.

There's never enough.

If you think your security comes from out there with how much money you've got in the bank or how many clients you've got or anything else for that matter,

Then you will never feel secure and you will never feel able to enjoy some kind of balance between your personal relationships and your work.

That will never happen.

You will be waiting for that to happen for a very,

Very long time because it isn't out there anyway.

It doesn't exist out there.

So if you're looking for it out there,

You're not going to find it.

Where is it then?

You might be wondering,

Where is that feeling of security,

Of safety,

That,

That lack of fear,

That,

That disappearance of insecurity?

Well,

It's inside you.

It hasn't ever been,

And it never will be out there ever.

But of course,

When we think it is,

We keep going.

And I've seen this,

I've seen people say,

You know,

I need this much money to feel okay,

And this many clients,

And they get to that much money and that many clients.

And they might have a little moment or two,

Maybe a short time of some kind of sort of elation and excitement.

But then of course,

That disappears,

That disappears,

It goes,

Because it never was the money,

It never was the clients.

And then of course,

What happens next is that,

That it feels like,

If you still believe it comes from the outside world,

It feels like,

Well,

There's an,

I must go further than,

I must take the next step,

I must,

I must push to the next level of income.

So you know,

It might be you first of all go,

I need to have 500,

000 pounds in the bank.

And I know I'll feel secure when I get there.

And you get there,

And you don't feel secure.

And you don't feel at ease.

And you still feel frightened and like,

Oh,

You might lose it all at any minute.

And of course,

These kind of underlying beliefs like this,

They are,

They're old stuff that we've picked up from,

From being around people who perhaps,

You know,

I hear it from both actually,

I hear people who've been brought up with very little money and every penny mattering,

And them having a lot of insecurity about money.

But I've also heard it from people who,

Who had plenty of money and whose parents worked very hard,

Still,

Still the same insecurity,

It's really interesting or a very similar insecurity.

But it never ever will be resolved by putting more money in the bank.

Now,

I want you to absolutely be clear,

I'm not saying don't grow a marvellous business and serve lots of people and have a ball doing it.

I am not saying that at all.

I'm not saying don't make money.

I'm not saying that.

But in actual fact,

When there is some lightness around that,

I.

E.

Doesn't look like our life will depend on it,

Then actually,

First of all,

The money flows more easily.

But second of all,

You're not jeopardising your personal life in order to create that business.

You're able to say,

I've done enough today,

I'm going to stop now,

I'm going to go spend time with my children and my partner,

Or whoever else you might be,

My friends,

You know,

Your personal relationships are broad ranging,

Aren't they?

They're not just one thing.

But that is,

That's hard if we think that the business has to be somewhere for us to be okay.

And so this is still this outside in misunderstanding that I always speak about,

Is that if we think our well-being depends on a business being in some particular place,

Financially,

Client wise,

Size,

Whatever you want,

A number of staff,

Maybe,

Then it will look like we have to keep going.

And I remember working with a client once who had a small business,

And she was kind of at a point where she had to kind of think about whether she wanted to take on a team member,

Or an associate,

Or do something different,

Like perhaps have more VA support and things like that.

And she told me about a conversation she had with somebody who's very,

Very into having lots of money,

And she said,

She said,

He said,

I needed to grow my business and was I growing my business and did I have any staff yet and all this kind of stuff.

And she sort of said,

Well,

No,

Actually,

And I don't want that.

I don't want that.

I actually like my business just as it is.

It earns me enough money to enjoy a really quite nice life.

And I get to stop and go on holiday and completely switch off my business.

Knowing that,

That the group that I work within will look after all of that.

I've got good support,

Good VA support,

Etc.

And it's all marvellous.

I don't have to do lots and lots of things.

I don't have to keep working when I'm away and that kind of thing.

Like there's money doesn't make,

I mean,

It's just an old flipping phrase,

Isn't it?

Money doesn't make you happy.

Just money doesn't make you happy.

It just doesn't.

It just doesn't do that.

It doesn't.

And it does not remove insecurity and it does not stop you feeling afraid.

It's all inside out.

So that balance between work and our personal relationships can be just found easily when we're not looking for our wellbeing out there.

It will naturally occur.

So something to ponder there.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on that.

Lots of love.

Take care and have a wonderful day.