Difficult Emotions: Why We Hold On & Learning To Let Them Go

We rarely hear people saying, "Wow I've been so happy my whole life!" What we most often hear is, "I'm always so angry/sad/anxious." Why is it that we get stuck with these difficult emotions that never seem to go away, while the happiness comes and goes so quickly?
In this talk, we will explore why these difficult emotions become "trapped," and discuss the practice of Sitting With Emotions. After listening to this talk, go to my guided meditation titled "Sitting with Difficult Emotions."

Transcript

Hi,

Thanks for joining me for today's talk.

My name is Cindy and I'm a clinical therapist,

Reiki master,

And yoga teacher.

Today we're going to be exploring how you may unknowingly be holding onto difficult emotions,

Which leads them to becoming stuck within us.

This talk goes along with a guided meditation I've created called Sitting With Difficult Emotions that you can find here on my page.

Before we dive in,

What are emotions and feelings?

Well,

Quite simply,

An emotion is energy in motion.

We label these different energies with words such as sad,

Happy,

Embarrassed,

Lonely,

Jealous,

Hurt,

Guilt,

Shame,

Calm,

Just to name a few.

A feeling is the physical sensation that we feel in the body.

For example,

The emotion of anxiety feels like knots in the stomach.

The emotion of calm feels like a lightness throughout the body.

The emotion of anger feels like a clenching of the jaw and a warmth in the face.

So to sum all that up,

The emotion is the word happy,

Sad,

And mad,

And the feeling is what it physically feels like in your body.

Now I have a question I want you to think about and answer for yourself.

True or false?

There are bad emotions and good emotions.

Now without overthinking it,

I want us to explore what your answer means.

Some of you may have said true.

There are good ones that I like and bad ones that I don't like.

Others may have said false.

It's just an emotion.

It's not good or bad.

Now for those of you who answered false,

I want you to look at this a little deeper.

So logically,

The brain is like,

Oh yeah,

No such thing as good and bad.

It's just an emotion or a feeling.

And this makes sense in the brain on a logical level.

But how does your body feel about this question?

Do you truly treat all emotions the same way?

Do you truly allow yourself to express all emotions freely no matter what comes up?

The truth is that most of us have learned from a very young age that some emotions are bad and others are good.

While you were probably never sat down as a child and given a list of the bad and good ones,

You started to internally create this list based off of how others reacted towards you when you expressed certain emotions.

Maybe when you would cry,

You were told things like,

Hey stop that,

Or you look ugly when you cry,

Or why are you crying right now,

There's nothing to be sad about.

Automatically,

Your body then labeled the emotion of sadness as bad.

Same with when you would become angry.

Maybe you would get punished or ignored when you expressed the anger.

So over time,

Your body then labeled anger as bad.

The same thing can be said for the lighter emotions such as happiness.

Maybe you were encouraged to smile more or told things like,

You should feel happy right now.

So then the body learned,

Oh,

Happy is good.

So although you are now an adult with a logical brain who can say,

No,

There's no such thing as good and bad emotions,

It's just an emotion,

Your body has been trained from a very young age over many,

Many years to label different emotions and categorize them.

So why does this matter?

Well,

When we attach a label to something,

In this case,

The label of good or bad,

It will directly affect how we treat it.

When the brain or body labels something as good,

It usually means that we will want more of it or we are open to willingly experiencing it.

So my brain and body says that food is good,

So I'll get more of it.

That person is good,

Then I'll probably want to be around them.

Those clothes are good,

So then I end up buying the clothes.

This emotion is good,

I then will fully allow myself to experience it.

When the brain or body tells and labels something as bad,

It means we will avoid and distract from those things.

So my brain and body says that food is bad,

I probably won't finish the food.

That person is bad,

I'm going to try to stay away from them.

Those clothes are bad,

I won't buy them.

These emotions are bad,

I will end up distracting,

Avoiding,

And numbing myself to feeling them.

So you see,

All emotions,

No matter what the emotion is,

Are meant to move in,

Through,

And eventually out of us.

Picture a bell curve or a triangle.

As an emotion flows into the body,

Along with the physical sensations that accompany it,

It starts to grow,

Reaches its peak,

Then it starts to decline.

We feel the emotion less intensely,

And eventually it passes out of us.

Now the speed at which this process happens will depend on what we're experiencing.

We have hundreds of emotional reactions every day,

But most move in,

Through,

And out of us so quickly that we hardly notice.

It's usually only the big ones that really catch our attention.

So let's go back to what happens in this process when our brain and body labels emotions.

From the clients I work with,

I've never had anyone tell me,

Oh my gosh Cindy,

I've been so happy for the last 20 years,

Or wow,

I've just been so calm my entire life.

What I usually hear from clients is,

I've been depressed since I was in college,

Or I've had anxiety my whole life,

Or I'm always so annoyed and angry all the time.

Most of us don't get stuck in happiness,

Calmness,

Excitement,

Or a state of relaxation.

We get stuck in the feelings and emotions of anxiety,

Stress,

Anger,

Shame,

Guilt,

Jealousy,

Pain,

And fear.

It's because we treat these emotions differently.

Think about what happens when the emotion of happiness and excitement comes into your body.

You buy a new car,

And it's one that you've been wanting for years.

Eventually you save up enough,

And you're driving it off the lot.

As you're prepping to head to the dealership to buy your car,

Those emotions are starting to bubble in.

You get handed the keys,

And you're driving off the lot.

The happiness and excitement is coming to their peak.

And since most of us label the emotions of happiness and excitement as good,

We therefore allow ourselves to experience them.

You're smiling as you drive your car,

You're telling your friends and family about your new purchase,

You turn on the radio and start singing,

And your body feels light,

It's jittery,

These are all physical signs that the emotion is starting to move through you.

Most of us don't try to block or numb ourselves when we're feeling happy,

So the emotions continue to move through.

You're still really happy and excited about your new car,

Even a few weeks after the purchase.

But after a few months,

You still really like it,

But you're not getting that jitteriness whenever you open the door,

Or smiling from ear to ear when driving it anymore.

Then fast forward a year or two,

Maybe by that time you started daydreaming about another car.

This is because the emotions of happiness and excitement have gone through their process of flowing in,

Through,

And out of you,

And you fully allow the process to happen.

Now let's think about the more difficult emotions,

Such as anger,

Guilt,

Shame,

Embarrassment,

Loneliness,

Sadness,

Fear.

On a subconscious level,

And sometimes even a conscious level,

These are labeled as bad.

So when these emotions become triggered within us,

You know,

Breaking up with a partner,

You don't get the job you work so hard for,

Something you've really really been wanting doesn't work out,

Our body will then try to block this quote-unquote bad emotion.

So for visualization's sake,

Pretend that the emotion of sadness starts to flow in through the body,

Through the feet.

As soon as it starts to come in,

The body is like,

No,

Hell no,

This is bad,

And we do things to block,

Numb,

And distract from feeling the intensity of that emotion.

This is where our addictions come in.

Food,

Sex,

Alcohol,

Drugs,

Over-exercising,

Keeping ourselves super busy,

Over-investing in other people,

Keeping distracted with work,

Overthinking.

There are countless ways that we numb ourselves.

So now that emotion was blocked.

It came into the body but didn't get the chance to fully flow through and out.

Then another difficult emotion is triggered,

Loneliness.

It starts to flow in,

The body labels it as bad,

And we again numb,

Distract,

And avoid feeling it.

Now this process continues over the course of your entire life.

These difficult emotions keep coming in,

And while they may burst out of us at different times,

Through tears,

Sadness,

And frustration,

They never really get the chance to fully move through and out of us like we allow the happiness and excitement to.

So then the body starts to become a pressure cooker.

Being a human can be difficult,

So these difficult emotions continue to flow in,

But every time they flow in,

We block them.

And while we're blocking them and not probably feeling them in their intensity in the moment,

They continue to remain in the body,

Adding even more pressure.

Eventually,

The buildup of blocked emotion leads to the development of illnesses,

Diseases,

Anxiety,

Depression,

Anger problems,

And tension throughout the body.

This becomes so normal to us that we don't even notice it.

So how can you tell if you have blocked emotions in you?

I'm going to give you a couple of signs.

So one example would be if you become emotional or cry and it feels like it's happening out of nowhere.

Maybe a small situation or trigger happens to you and you have a big emotional reaction to it.

So you look back on it and you think,

Oh my gosh,

Why did I get so upset about that?

Or other people may even point it out to you.

Why'd you get so upset over something so small?

When you're trying to do something relaxing like reading a book or watching TV and your body is physically there,

But your mind is somewhere else full of thoughts.

If you have difficulty falling asleep or waking up throughout the night or have a hard time shutting off your brain,

Or if you're suffering from chronic health issues,

Back pain,

Digestive issues,

Different mental health problems,

The great thing is that you can rewire your body and brain and teach yourself to remove the labels from these emotions so that they can finally start moving through and out of you.

There are so many different tools you can use,

But one of the ones I would like to highlight today is learning how to sit with difficult emotions.

So this is a tricky one.

We hear it all the time,

Right?

Oh,

You just need to sit with your feelings.

And it sounds so simple,

But in the beginning,

It can actually be pretty challenging,

Especially when we've lived our entire lives,

Numbing,

Distracting and running from them.

It's going to be very important that you're patient with yourself when starting this practice.

Think about it.

It took years to develop the pattern of numbing your emotions.

So it's going to take some time and practice to integrate a new way of meeting your emotions.

As I mentioned earlier,

I've created a guided meditation called sitting with difficult emotions that you can find here on my page.

This meditation will guide you on how to be with an emotion without the usual judgments in our minds that prevent it from flowing through.

So think about it.

When you're happy,

We don't usually say to ourselves,

Hmm,

Why am I so happy right now?

What's causing this?

We just fully allow it to happen.

We let ourselves experience the full flow of that happiness.

But when we have a difficult emotion,

The brain goes into overdrive with judgments like why am I feeling this?

This is horrible.

I shouldn't be feeling this right now.

It's never going to go away.

Why can't I get over this?

I can't believe they did this to me.

This is unfair on and on and on with the judgments.

When we're sitting with a difficult emotion and allow these judgments to continue,

The judgments actually end up piling anger,

Resentment and frustration onto the original emotion.

Maybe you originally were feeling sad,

You tried to sit with it,

And your brain just kept chatting away with all these judgments and 10 minutes later,

You actually feel worse than you did at the beginning.

So the emotion just continued to escalate as you sat with it.

Now you feel worse and you eventually just told yourself,

Okay,

That's enough.

And you push the sadness down,

Along with the anger and frustration.

When you learn to sit with emotions and disconnect from the judgments,

You'll find that instead of the emotions escalating and continuously growing bigger and bigger as you sit with them,

The emotions will actually start feeling like waves.

Think about the ocean.

So sometimes the emotion will feel medium sized,

Then it'll feel smaller,

And then a wave of it will hit you and it'll feel really big and overwhelming.

And then it gets smaller again,

Then back to really big.

So it just keeps flowing through you like a wave.

By allowing this process to take place,

The emotions are able to begin their flow through and out of you.

So if you're ready to learn this practice,

Choose a time where you will be undisturbed to be able to do the guided meditation.

Remember,

This is something new,

And it'll take some practice.

If you've been blocking your emotions for some time,

It may even be difficult for the emotions to come up on their own.

Don't worry,

This can change over time if you dedicate your time,

Energy,

And intention.

I hope this talk has helped in building your understanding of the relationship that you hold with your emotions,

And that you can start to build a sense of curiosity and an openness as you start the journey of learning how to sit with your emotions in a way that allows them to heal through you.

Thank you so much.

Reviews

really helpful- such a clear practical perspective on my more difficult emotions. I will view things better going forward. Remind my self not to distract and be gentle to myself. this is great!!!❤️

There's a lot here. Interesting ideas, lots of which seem very reasonable but I am finding myself feeling resistant to this. Which is weird because I do a lot of sitting with my feelings! Still, it's a work in progress for me, so the more ways to think about it the better. I'll need to try and listen to this a few times though, I think, before it sinks in. Thanks for this gift.

Oh WOW… this is profound!!!!
YES yes yes… allowing ALL of my emotions to be felt and flow with self compassion, self-awareness and heART rythym… this is truly extraordinary - a new realisation for me Thsnk You Cindy… now to the meditation… I am saving this to share and to relisten… W💜W
‘The penny has dropped! ⚡️
Deeply grateful thank you 💜🙏💜

This was an excellent articulation of sitting with emotions. I have so much more clarity now. Thank you! 🙏 ❤️🕊️

Thank you so much! Wonderful explanation of what I have experienced without understanding. 🙏🏼

Thank you. Excellent talk understanding emotions. Very clear and relatable examples. Will listen to the next talk. ❤️🙏🧘‍♀️

Really loved this, very straight forward and makes so much sense, thanks🙏🙏

Why has it taken my full adult life to learn this? In this 15 minute talk, she explains clearly the root of all issues dealing with emotions. It makes so much sense. It has opened my eyes and my mind to move forward. Bookmark this and return often.

Grea

This talk was really helpful and eye opening to how we oftentimes extend our own emotional suffering without any awareness of it. I also appreciate that there is a meditation that goes with this talk!

That was such an informative talk! Really brilliant. Thank you!