Befriending Emotions

Today, I'll talk about a technique called Befriending Emotions. This technique involves applying awareness straight away when a difficult emotion arises, and instead of resisting it or going with an impulsive response, greeting the emotion to yourself and welcoming it into your life. In this way, we're hoping to achieve some equanimity whenever this emotion arises, by taking the mind out of fear-response mode through the loving act of greeting.

Transcript

So,

Hi there.

So one of the best ways to deal with recurring difficult emotions is to use a technique where we essentially befriend them.

Whether it's anxiety,

Fear,

Jealousy or even just one-off difficult emotions,

Befriending emotions is a good way to get by through difficult periods,

Where some emotions become stronger that we'd really rather didn't.

While initially this technique might seem rather unusual or feel rather unnatural,

I hope that you'll quickly be able to see the ease and relief it can bring when put into use.

In terms of difficulty,

I would say this technique is sort of in the middle.

This is because it feels unusual to pursue initially,

So it can take just a little practice before it becomes a more natural and more consistent response whenever a difficult emotion arises.

Once you've got the hang of it,

Though,

It should be able to grant you some respite against whatever difficult emotions you are experiencing.

That said,

As I always say with things like anxiety,

The best and usually ultimate way to deal with them for good is to make a concrete change.

If you're seeing anxiety as a result of a stressful job,

Relationship,

Commitment or whatever,

It's probably best to consider what about that situation can be changed to stop that anxiety being caused.

Techniques alone cannot remove anxiety,

Only alleviate it and that in turn takes energy.

So while this technique can help you deal with difficult emotions and potentially on a longer term basis as well,

I'd still strongly advise you not to treat it as an ultimate solution,

Just as a temporary means to alleviate difficult emotions until a concrete solution can be found.

Again that said,

If you are able to develop it to become an ultimate solution,

That's great.

Just don't necessarily set out expecting it to be so and then find disappointment.

So with all that out of the way,

Let's not waste any more time and let's jump right into the technique.

So the befriending emotions technique is really very straightforward to explain and to grasp conceptually.

It's really in the learning and the practice where the difficulty lies.

But even then it's not so much a tedious difficulty.

In other words,

It's not so much that the technique is difficult for the whole time you're practicing it.

It's more that the technique involves welcoming unpleasant emotions into the mind and sometimes the body.

But that's something which is not at all instinctive.

That's what makes it tricky.

So the difficulty really lies in initiating the learning and practice.

And then there's a smaller sort of secondary difficulty as it were in then relaxing the awareness and watching whatever emotion it is once you have initiated it.

So let's start with the main part of the technique.

The befriending of an emotion as soon as it arises.

And a little side note here,

Just bear in mind we are befriending emotion,

A process which takes time so the whole process will not have occurred to its fullest on the first go.

So imagine I'm sitting on a bus.

I'm just minding my business,

Looking out the window,

Enjoying the view and thinking about whatever,

When suddenly a thought arises that involves something I'm anxious about.

Straight away I notice the mind start to accelerate.

The stomach tightens a little and I feel a little pang of adrenaline shoot through my chest.

What's your instinct here?

It's probably not an instinct actually as much as a natural reflex.

Mind continues to accelerate.

You move yourself in some way to respond to the anxiety.

Maybe you start bouncing a knee,

Maybe you stretch your body out a little when you're kind of sitting or something else.

The anxiety continues feeding itself in the usual vicious cycle.

And so we come to a big wave of anxiety,

Maybe even a full on panic attack or something similar.

So how can we short circuit this?

Let's go back to the beginning for a moment and see.

So I'm on the bus.

The anxiety arises,

All the usual physical responses are there.

I notice the mind start to accelerate a bit.

Now straight away I can snap my awareness onto these things and say aha,

There's anxiety.

That's really the goal anyway in most mindfulness practices but we diverge from that a little here because I then follow that with a greeting.

It's a little strange but I say hello anxiety,

Thank you for coming to me today and making my life a richer experience.

Now that might sound completely ridiculous.

It may sound revelational but in applying this kind of friendly approach you not only short circuit that vicious cycle of anxiety on anxiety on anxiety but you also create a mental connection between this usually unpleasant emotion arising and the inspiration of kindness and ultimately a kind of love sort of.

Now it appears that very often if you do something that shows the mind that something is a certain way when in fact it's not you can actually gain a lot of influence over some aspects of the mind you wouldn't usually have influence over.

So for example making the body still often aids sleep because as I understand at least you are sort of using the body to show the mind that it is asleep and so the mind does indeed fall asleep much more easily because of what it has shown.

It's not like a solid and reliable cause but it definitely does help everything along the desired path.

So how could you possibly be afraid of something towards which you show a loving kindness?

As soon as you actively welcome an unpleasant emotion into the mind you are essentially teaching it that this is something not to be feared.

So by welcoming anxiety say you are stopping the anxiety about anxiety for one and you are also showing yourself subconsciously that anxiety is something not to be feared.

Now of course this won't work in every scenario and sometimes if you are very tired or hungry or weary in a stressful time or something else you won't be able to snap onto this quite so easily.

What I am trying to say here is that this is not effective 100% of the time.

Really,

Very few mindfulness techniques are effective.

But in befriending these emotions in this way we can at least reduce their impact most of the time.

For however long it is we practice the technique.

Whether that's for a few months until the stress source is sorted or for a whole lifetime perhaps however long you want to practice it for.

Whatever your personal needs are in regard to this.

And of course practiced on a long term basis this technique can also help with mindfulness generally by helping to more easily find that place of balance,

Of equanimity with difficult emotions rather than instinctively resisting them and getting caught up in them.

So that's really the core technique.

One more thing I'd like to add is that you can also add to the end of your greeting.

You may stay as long as you like.

Again this just ensures a little more equanimity.

You are showing the mind you are ok with this thing sticking around.

It can't be dangerous in that case then surely.

Added to that you are more able to cultivate this ok-ness as it were within yourself maintaining that focus on the important aspect of whether or not you are resisting the emotion being around.

And all of that said of course you can make your own greeting,

Your own response to difficult emotions based on the theory of this one.

Whatever you like.

And most importantly whatever works and feels best for you.

May take some time tweaking and fiddling around but eventually you should be able to come onto something that really works for you.

And finally just another reminder again that this technique is really meant to be a temporary measure to alleviate difficult emotions until a final solution can be found.

So while you might be able to improve and extend it after some practice,

Please don't set out expecting it to be an ultimate fix.

I'd really say this for any mindfulness technique to combat anxiety.

And with that I really hope this was helpful.

I've certainly used this technique a lot myself and found it really really useful.

Hard as it is to articulate well.

And that's really why I wanted to share it today.

And I wish you all the best and try and set yourself if it sounds useful.

So thanks again for listening and see you next time.

Bye bye.