Hey,
Insight Timers.
This is chapter four of Body Love and Beyond.
It's called forgiveness and its nuances.
What's important to recognize is that the conversations you have about yourself come from somewhere,
Your past,
Your family,
The people you grew up around,
Your teachers,
Your friends,
Your community,
Your culture.
Somewhere along the way,
You absorbed either directly or indirectly ideas about what it looks like to be a worthy,
Valuable person.
You weren't born thinking you're not enough.
These ideas are very much learned.
The good news is that means you can unlearn them.
So before we go any further on our body love adventure,
We've got to talk about something really important,
Forgiveness.
You see,
I could hold a lot of anger and blame towards other people for causing my previously mentioned mental emotional pain.
I really could.
I really,
Really could.
I could recall the time in senior kindergarten when I got punched in the face because my hair was brown.
Side note,
I'm friends with that girl to this day.
Life is kind of funny like that.
I could recall the time in grade three when I was made fun of for being a lesbian.
I'm not,
But so what if I was?
I could also recall my rating of attractiveness from a boy in grade six.
I could recall the girl in grade seven who called me Dobby,
Again,
The Harry Potter character,
And got other kids in school to do the same.
I could recall the time my high school friend drunkenly told me I was useless.
The time my university friend told me I had crow's feet forming around my eyes.
The time that guy at a party told me I looked quote unquote,
Rapeable.
What does that mean?
I could even hold a grudge towards my parents who encouraged the quote unquote,
Thin is beautiful paradigm.
You get the picture.
Everything I just mentioned,
That's just the tip of the iceberg.
A lot of hurtful things happened to me growing up and I could make a lot of people wrong for something they did or said to me that contributed to my former emotional pain.
I'd have every right to want to have a word with them,
But honestly,
If I saw any of those star naysayers for my early journey,
I'd want to hug them tight and share with them the distinctions I know now.
Because you know what?
Hurt people hurt people.
Have you heard that before?
Well,
It's true.
There's no doubt in my mind that any of these people who spewed nastiness my way were crying harder on the inside than I ever was.
Only pain causes people to want to put others in pain.
And guess what?
Of all the nasty things people said to me,
None of it had anything,
I mean anything to do with me.
None of it.
They were just projecting their pain onto me.
And in a weird way,
I'm grateful.
Why?
Because if it weren't for all this trauma,
I would not have sought out the personal development tools I needed to become the person I am today.
The tools that would open me up to love,
Compassion,
Responsibility,
Power,
And yes,
Body love.
So if I saw those folks who are mean to me growing up,
I wouldn't scoff at them.
No,
I'd just be interested to know what they were going through at the time.
Okay,
Now it's your turn.
Who is giving you a hard time right now?
Who has given you a hard time in the past?
Who has said or done some unbelievably hurtful things to you?
Write all these names down on a piece of paper.
Go ahead,
Write them down.
Now close your eyes and just try and imagine their life and their particular set of circumstances.
What is their relationship like with their parents,
Their siblings,
Their friends,
Their teachers?
Just imagine all the people in their life being really mean and nasty to them.
All the events that struck them deeply and altered their sense of innocence,
Happiness,
And joy.
The emotional or physical abuse they faced,
The teasing,
The bullying,
The instability,
The repeat conversational loop in their mind telling them they are totally useless and unworthy of love.
Just trust me,
As soon as I started being in spaces where people were sharing what was really going on with them,
Let me tell you,
Everyone is going through something.
And the extent to which they exercise quote unquote toxic behavior is the extent to which they themselves are in pain.
Everyone's got a story that could break your little heart.
Really,
Go ahead,
Close your eyes and imagine all of it.
Knowing what you know about that little voice everyone has in their head telling them they aren't good enough.
Can you just forgive them?
They are trying to survive just as much as you are.
The pain they are projecting onto you really isn't about you.
It has nothing to do with you.
It's actually not personal at all.
And let's take it to the next level.
No doubt you yourself have impacted others to the point where they would write your name on their list of people who have said or done hurtful things.
Whether you know it or not,
Based on their past experiences,
People have triggers that are sometimes difficult to imagine.
You might have said something to someone you didn't even think about,
But to them,
To them,
It was earth shattering.
Knowing what you're going through with your own pain and your own wounds,
Wouldn't you appreciate it if they forgave you?
At this point,
I want to take a second to address some opinionated nuances to the forgiveness conversation.
While I do encourage forgiveness,
I don't believe we should let any harmful behavior off the hook.
I believe that as a society,
There is some serious work that needs to be done.
Do we need to place more emphasis on kindness,
Compassion,
And leadership training in our school systems?
Absolutely.
Do we need to teach younger generations the power and impact of words?
Yes.
Do we need to adopt anti-racist training and policies in schools,
Workplaces,
And all community institutions and organizations?
For sure.
Do we need more access to therapy,
Empowerment training,
And healthy recreational activities for our communities?
Yes.
Do we need more access to communication courses,
Conflict resolution seminars,
And strategies for coping with the stress of everyday life?
Totally.
Do we need more spaces where men feel comfortable being vulnerable?
Yes.
Do we need to unlearn narratives and internal biases that lead to racism,
Sexuality,
And gender discrimination?
Definitely yes.
Do we need a more diverse range of races and body types celebrated as beautiful by mainstream media?
For sure.
Do we need more mental health awareness and spaces where we are supported in what we're actually dealing with?
100%.
The list goes on.
You see,
The stuff that's been thrown your way is not necessarily so much about the dysfunction of the individual,
But the environment or society they and you were brought up in.
That absolutely doesn't let them off the hook for their actions,
But let's put it bluntly.
We live in a world that doesn't work.
In my opinion,
Not enough resources have been put towards community empowerment and care.
We experience the fallout of this daily and constantly,
Both on a collective and a personal level.
So again,
As a society,
We have work to do.
No doubt.
Now I know it would be really nice if that person who has bullied you or disrespected you were to have a moment of clarity,
If they've reached out to you acknowledging the impact of their actions and words,
And what a dream it would be if they even said,
Sorry.
Wow,
That would be really awesome.
But here's the thing,
That apology isn't coming.
It's really not.
Should people be responsible for the actions and the impact of their words?
Yes.
But at the end of the day,
Feeling frustrated by someone's unconscious behavior isn't going to give you any power or freedom.
When you forgive someone,
It's not actually for them.
It's for you.
It sets you free.
Not forgiving someone,
Aka holding onto resentment and anger,
Is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
It just doesn't do you any good.
You'll carry all this negative energy with you and it will just get in the way of you moving on to the best and brightest version of yourself.
And forgiveness doesn't mean that you support or condone their actions.
It doesn't mean that you're saying what they did is okay.
It also doesn't mean that you have to spend time with them or even be friends with them.
It doesn't even mean you have to see them or talk to them ever again.
You can set healthy boundaries with people who haven't properly respected you and forgive them for being on their own journey of discovery.
Maybe they've lost their way.
Maybe they're struggling.
Whatever it is,
Have you noticed everyone,
Including you,
Is just trying to wing this thing called life?
Improvisation is messy.
If we can get present to how deeply unpersonal it all is,
It gives us more freedom.
The other thing I want to mention,
Rhi,
The forgiveness conversation is we don't need to shove positivity or high vibrations down our throats either.
It's not healthy to demonize our anger,
Sadness,
Or hurt feelings.
We don't need to make those feelings wrong.
Generally speaking,
Our feelings are there to lean into.
They guide us towards necessary change.
We shouldn't forgive the systems and societal narratives that don't serve us.
It's just that we can work to dismantle societal narratives and take control of our own sense of self-worth.
We can take control of our own beauty story.
And by taking control of our own beauty story,
We actually start changing societal narratives.
Isn't that cool?
No matter what,
We get to write our own self-love narrative.
No one can take the pen away from us when we're writing our story.
So if you gave your self-love away to your bullies,
I'm telling you now,
You can take it back.
