Hi,
I'm Charlotte and welcome to today's talk on toxic positivity,
When positivity becomes a punishment.
So I don't need you to be in any way,
Just want you to be yourself and I'll meet you there.
Before we begin,
I wanted to tell you something honestly.
There was a time in my life when I was terrified of being anything other than positive.
I didn't call it toxic positivity back then.
I called it manifesting,
Keeping my vibration high and staying aligned.
I was deep in the law of attraction and I followed every rule.
I monitored my thoughts like they were dangerous,
Corrected myself the moment sadness appeared.
I believed that if I felt grief,
I would attract more grief.
That if I let myself feel tired,
Life would only give me more to be tired about.
And so I smiled when I wanted to cry.
I said I'm fine when I was falling apart.
I whispered affirmations when I really needed someone to say this is hard and it makes sense that you're hurting.
I thought positivity would set me free,
But eventually it became a cage.
And that is why I'm here and why this matters.
Not because positivity is wrong,
But because forcing it can become another form of self-abandonment.
So today I want to offer you what I wish someone had offered me.
A place where you don't have to pretend.
A place where all of you is welcome.
So this is what today's talk is about.
Unpacking toxic positivity.
Every day we are surrounded by a constant stream of polished positive lives.
A kind of world that we step into without even realizing.
Without ever naming it for what it is.
On the surface it can look harmless.
Even kind.
Think positive,
People say.
Look on the bright side.
Be grateful.
Everything happens for a reason.
And sometimes those words are comforting.
But sometimes they land like a weight.
Instead of helping,
They silence us.
They tell us there is no room for sadness.
No space for fear.
No permission for anger.
Toxic positivity is not positivity.
It's emotional gaslighting,
Disguised as encouragement.
It takes your real,
Raw feelings and says,
No,
Not that.
Try again.
But happier.
Have you ever felt that?
That your true emotions were inconvenient?
Unwanted?
That you had to put on a smile before anyone would accept you?
Now think about the world we live in.
We scroll past other people's polished lives.
Their perfect homes,
Their glowing children,
Their just right morning routines.
Even when we know logically these are highlights.
Staged,
Filtered,
Carefully chosen.
Still something inside whispers,
Why can't my life look like that?
Why can't I keep up?
And so we tidy ourselves for the world.
We post only the happy moments.
We share only the smiles.
And slowly we learn the same rule.
That joy is welcome.
But sorrow is not.
But what about the mess?
What about the nights that feel heavy?
The mornings when the kitchen is chaos.
When the house feels like it's collapsing around us.
When our own hearts feel untidy.
If we only ever show the world our brightness,
We begin to feel ashamed of our shadows.
Notice if that feels true for you.
And then there's the world of self-help.
So many books,
Podcasts,
Courses.
Each one promising this is it.
This is the secret to a happier,
More successful life.
And beneath that promise is another message.
You are not enough as you are.
You must fix yourself.
I lived this once,
And maybe you did too.
I believed that if I just monitored every thought,
Stayed relentlessly positive,
I could earn the life of my dreams.
But what it gave me wasn't freedom.
It was guilt.
Guilt every time sadness rose up.
Guilt when I wasn't myself.
Guilt when I wasn't grateful enough.
Guilt when I still felt broken,
Even after trying so hard to be better.
Do you recognize this?
That feeling that being human is somehow a failure.
That you must constantly work on yourself.
Polish yourself,
Improve yourself.
Just to be worthy of belonging.
Pause with that thought.
Notice if you've ever carried that pressure.
And then there's the purpose.
Find your purpose.
Live your calling.
Leave your mark.
But what if your purpose is quiet?
What if it doesn't look like a best-selling book or a shiny career or a million followers?
What if your purpose is simply to bake bread on a Sunday?
To keep a garden alive.
To rest without guilt.
To notice the sky.
To read a book.
To breathe.
These things matter.
And they are enough.
But the culture of toxic positivity tells us not big enough.
Not impressive enough.
Not purposeful enough.
And so we begin to doubt the deepest truths of our own lives.
But listen.
Your life doesn't need to be spectacularly perfect to be meaningful.
It just needs to matter to you.
I wonder if you could notice.
Where in your life have you felt the pressure to perform happiness?
It could be anywhere.
It could be anywhere.
It could be at home.
It could be with friends.
It could be with family.
It could be at work.
Where have you felt you had to put a smile on?
Even when your heart was breaking?
Where have you hidden sadness?
Because it felt like it would be judged?
Just notice.
And there's no need to judge yourself.
No need to fix.
Simply notice.
Gratitude is a huge part of the self-help world.
So bring to mind a moment when you felt you had to be grateful.
When really you felt exhausted.
Or a moment when you felt you were not alone.
A moment when you felt you had to be positive.
When really you felt despair.
Notice how your body remembers that.
Notice the tension.
The bracing.
The way your truth had to shrink back inside you.
And now gently whisper to yourself,
I can be honest with myself.
And allow those words,
If you're ready,
To soften something inside of you.
The antidote to toxic positivity is not negativity.
It's honesty.
It's being allowed to say,
I'm tired.
I'm sad.
I can't afford that.
I'm scared.
I don't know who I am right now.
And hearing in return,
That's okay.
You don't have to tidy up before I arrive.
I'll be there.
I'll meet you right in the mess.
Can you imagine saying that to yourself?
Imagine believing that you can be met.
Just as you are.
By the most important person in your whole world.
You.
And I always say that because to truly hold others,
Fully,
You must hold yourself first.
Place your hands gently together.
Holding one into the other.
Hold them softly.
As if they are the hands of your own soul.
And whisper,
You belong here.
Just as you are.
You are allowed to feel what you feel.
You don't need to be fixed to be worthy.
You don't need to be positive to be loved.
Let those words wash through you.
Let them sink beneath the old messages.
The old demands.
Notice if something in you exhales.
Even just a little.
And if not,
Meet yourself wherever you are.
So toxic positivity tells us only half of us are toxic.
The other half of us is welcome.
But the truth is the whole of you belongs.
Your laughter and your tears.
Your gratitude and your grief.
Your joy and your rage.
Your hope and your despair.
All of it belongs.
All of it makes you human.
All of it is worthy of compassion.
So as we close.
And as you breathe.
Carry this truth with you.
You don't need to perform happiness.
You only need to be here.
As you are.
As you are.
