This is not solely a meditation,
But more of a combination of a meditation and a talk.
Begin by closing your eyes,
Only if that feels safe.
If not,
Just soften your gaze.
Let your breath be whatever it is,
There are no expectations,
No fixing,
Only noticing.
You are here,
Listening,
And that is strength when you are suffering.
And for now,
Just let the world fall away for a moment.
You don't have to hold it all right now.
You don't have to smile or explain or rise to anything.
This is your moment to fall gently inward,
To be held instead of holding,
To release tears instead of fighting them back,
To just remember that you are important too.
Being alone can be hard,
But it doesn't mean you're not good enough when you have those thoughts.
It doesn't mean you're weak or failing and it is not a measure of your love.
Postpartum is an illness,
And I had it too.
It is not something you have chosen,
It is not because you don't love your baby.
Your hormones are out of sync,
And you have just created a whole entire life within yourself.
That's no easy feat,
And in some countries and cultures new mums are so deeply cared for.
This significantly reduces the risk of postpartum depression.
Yet in others,
Postpartum is faced alone,
And when you find yourself in that place,
You must do it for you.
You must put yourself and baby first,
Reach out and ask for the help and support you need.
Even if you don't get it from those around you,
Go further,
But do not suffer alone.
It took me so long to see how I felt and to allow it to be true.
So I suffered,
Thinking that people would think bad of me if they knew how I felt,
How depressed I was,
How broken I'd become.
I thought people would think then I didn't love my baby or want him,
Or that I was ungrateful and failing and falling,
But I wasn't.
I was unwell like you are.
Sometimes the depression feels like a wave,
Sometimes large and crashing,
Sometimes quietly rising but always real.
Maybe you thought this season of your life would feel different.
Maybe you expected joy or lightness or instant connection because that's what people tell you,
Right?
Yet maybe what arrived was fog,
Exhaustion,
Detachment,
Tears that made no sense and an numbness that scared you,
A feeling of guilt that soaked into everything.
You are not alone in that,
In this.
You are not bad or broken.
You are not failing at motherhood.
You are experiencing something real,
An emotional shift,
A chemical storm,
A rewiring of your very being and yet still,
Beneath all of it,
You are you,
Whole,
Worthy,
Still here.
You are worthy of being here and you are worthy of being well but you must also know that it's okay not to feel well and to be honest at least with yourself to begin with.
Once you recognize that and tell yourself that it's okay to be there because it is,
You can put things into place that you need.
If you had a physical illness,
Would you get that dealt with?
Of course you would but you also need to deal with this.
Let's take a breath together,
Inhale gently through your nose,
Hold it there and exhale slowly through your mouth,
Again breathe in,
Breathe out,
Let your shoulders drop just a little bit and clench your jaw and soften your belly.
You don't have to be strong here with me,
You don't have to be anything but here.
Any way you arrive is good enough.
So let's name what might be real and sometimes this can be hard but that's okay,
You can own it here,
You can release it here and you are safe.
Maybe you feel disconnected from your baby but you can't bear to say it out loud.
Maybe you cry and don't know why or maybe you do.
Maybe the nights feel endless and the days even longer.
Maybe you resent your partner or your body,
Your old self or the people who seem to be happy and together.
Maybe you wonder who you are now,
Perhaps everything seems to have changed.
None of these feelings make you a bad mother,
They make you human,
Tender,
Cracked open and trying your best in a season that demands everything more than you have ever given before.
What you are going through is not your fault,
It is not a reflection of your capacity to love.
It is the nervous system,
The brain,
The body,
Adjusting,
Aching,
Healing,
Reaching.
You are allowed to struggle,
You don't want to but you are allowed.
You are allowed to feel rage,
Grief and confusion.
You are allowed to say this is hard,
I'm hurting.
You are allowed to ask for help,
So reach out to someone for help.
Don't do what I did,
I could have recovered so much sooner.
Talk to someone.
You are still you,
You are still a good mummy,
Even when you're sad,
Even when you don't feel bonded.
It doesn't mean you never will,
It just means it's not right now and that time will come.
And you are still you and a good mummy even when you need a break or a scream into a pillow or silence.
You are still you and you are still a good mummy.
Let that in,
Not as a performance but as the truth.
Now is not the time to place a mask over your face and pretend to be okay.
Now is not the time to pretend you've got everything together when you don't.
People say having a baby is the best time in the world but for some it's the hardest.
Not because of the baby but how your well-being has responded to the change.
Now is not the time to live up to unrealistic expectations.
What you see on social media is fake.
Houses are not tidy like they want you to believe and faces are not made up.
Not everything has to be done around a house.
Not everything needs to be completed or perfect.
What matters is you and your baby.
And if that means sitting on the sofa all day guilt-free and resting with your baby in your arms and snacks galore,
So be it.
Do what you need to do to stay as well as you can be for you and your baby and other children.
Do the bare minimum to achieve that and that will be enough.
When you come out of the other end of postpartum depression,
You will see that not even most things are important.
That clothes didn't need folding that day.
Your hair didn't need washing.
The dishes could have waited.
You did not need makeup on.
You will survive all of that.
As long as your baby and yourself and any other children you have are safe and cared for,
Nothing else matters.
You will not look back in years to come and wish you'd run yourself ragged more with unrealistic expectations.
You'll wish you'd taken care of your mental health.
Trust me.
Do what you need to do,
One day at a time.
Say no when you need and yes to help.
Just be present.
One breath.
One moment.
And say to yourself with compassion,
I am not alone.
I am not wrong for feeling this way.
I am unwell.
But I will heal.
You're not supposed to carry this alone.
You were meant to be held to.
Held by loved ones,
By your community,
By a care and by a love that doesn't demand anything from you.
If help is available,
Reach for it.
Not because you're weak,
But because you're wise and it can take strength to reach out and say I'm unwell.
But those words,
Those two words,
I'm unwell,
Can change your whole world.
Those two words can change everything and when you say them,
You'll see that it wasn't that bad.
The time and time before other women have said them too.
Those words can bring you what you need.
You don't have to wait until you get better to be loved and cared for and worthy.
You don't have to pretend you're okay.
You just have to be honest.
You must be real and know that you matter and that your baby is worthy too of a well and balanced mummy.
So let this meditation and talk be a small balm.
A soft place to land.
A reminder that you are still here.
That your story is still unfolding.
Motherhood is not only light,
It is shadow too.
And sometimes the dark parts teach us how to love ourselves more honestly.
You will not always feel this way.
The fog lifts,
The light returns,
The connection grows even if it's slow and quiet.
You are not behind.
You are becoming.
And you are doing it beautifully even now.
Even when you think you aren't,
You are.
So take one last breath with me.
Not a deep one.
Just one that's enough.
Let it land in your body gently.
And inhale this vow into your soul.
I will offer myself love in moments I feel most unworthy.
I will remember that healing is not linear but always possible.
I will not walk this path in silence.
I deserve support.
I deserve rest.
I deserve peace.
You are a mother,
Yes.
And you are doing a great job keeping your baby safe.
And sometimes getting the help we need is how we do that.
You are also you.
A soul worthy of softness.
Especially now.
You are loved even in the fog.
Especially in the fog.
Namaste.
