Talk: Homesickness

An excerpt from Dharma Dialogues with Catherine Ingram in Los Angeles, recorded in 2016.

Transcript

Welcome to In the Deep.

I'm your host,

Katherine Ingram.

The following is excerpted from a session of Dharma Dialogues called,

Homesickness.

It was recorded in Los Angeles in 2016.

There's a beautiful kind of homesickness that can overtake some people.

It's not a homesickness for a particular geographical place or a house or even a group of people.

Different kind of homesickness that some people are afflicted with.

A very beautiful one.

And it might result in a kind of spiritual seeking.

This homesickness that some people have.

One has to go on a big journey to try to make sense of this world.

Try to make sense of your place in it.

Try to feel some kind of calm.

Try to feel some kind of story that makes it make sense.

A philosophy.

Some way to hold it.

Some way to deal with it.

So that you can calm down.

So that you can live at home in your own skin.

We go on this big project of seeking answers.

But then it turns out,

If you seek long enough,

Some people don't have to seek so long.

They're quick studies.

But it becomes like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz when she's saying,

There's no place like home.

There's no place like home.

And she ends up back where she started.

Having gone on the journey,

But really happy to be home.

So this kind of beautiful homesickness,

A kind of holy homesickness really,

That not everyone has.

Not everyone has it.

A lot of people are very content with,

Or maybe they're not so content,

But they're not questioning just the rush for more stuff and more experiences.

And a very big project of aggrandizement for the personal self.

In any way one can find.

And we can see the madness of the world.

Right?

The madness of what's going on on this planet.

Driven by this misplaced seeking.

Not this holy homesickness,

A different kind.

That is truly destructive to everything in its path and to the beings invested in it.

But this other kind,

This other kind of spiritual seeking,

It too gets weary.

In a different way.

It gets weary because there's a sense that it's going to be some kind of,

Something outside of yourself,

Or some kind of attainment.

So that you're really never at rest.

There's always something more to be had.

Some new insight.

Some big enlightenment.

And those who've been coming know my opinion of that concept.

A fairy tale for grown-ups.

But people invest in that.

They work hard.

And then if you're lucky,

Or you're a quick study,

Or you just add it so long,

You might become exhausted by the search.

And you might have a moment of peace.

As though,

For instance,

You've been walking up a mountain with a backpack,

And now it's getting dark,

It's getting cold.

You know there's a lodge up there somewhere that you and your friends are in.

And you're just sitting there,

Somewhere that you and your friend are hiking to.

And you've got this big backpack,

And you're tired.

And you keep going and going and going and going and going.

Finally you get to the lodge,

And someone's built a fire,

And someone comes along and says,

Have a cup of tea.

And you take off this backpack,

And you sit down in front of the fire,

And you're just there,

Right?

It's like,

Just here is good.

Like that,

You might become exhausted with the search.

You've had a thousand insights.

You've had a million aha moments.

You know,

You've looked at the sun side and the ocean and into the eyes of friends,

And you've done the journey.

You've heard the teachings.

You've heard the lists.

And then perhaps there's this beautiful moment where the homesickness comes to an end.

Where the homesickness comes to an end.

And you just feel at home in your own skin as yourself.

And then you start to notice that it doesn't matter what room you're in,

Or what vehicle you're in.

You feel at home where you are.

And it turns out to have been simpler than you ever suspected.

It's one of the weird components.

I love that sense when I hear it,

Or someone reports it to me.

Someone who's been on that long journey,

And then the seeking comes to an end.

My teacher used to say,

Call off the search.

I love that sense.

And here's another thing.

This is just my personal preference,

But for myself,

I'm very comfortable with people who at least went on the search.

You know,

Who had that instinct,

That calling,

That holy yearning.

And then I'm particularly comfortable with those who called off the search.

So of an evening like this,

A summer night in Los Angeles in February,

We're just going to be at home.

Just be at home.

Let yourself feel how familiar that is,

Actually.

Imagine for yourselves for a moment,

Any of you who think you've still got something to get,

You've still got to understand something,

You've got to find the right combination before you can unlock this key to life.

Right?

If you have those ideas,

I just invite you for this evening only,

To just forget about those for the moment.

And imagine how it would be just to say yes to your sweet existence,

Your own beingness,

This beautiful experience of life,

With nothing else needing to be added.

Okay.

If anyone has anything you'd like to discuss,

Any questions,

Please feel free.

So Catherine,

It seems to me that in the context of what you're talking about,

That there are various practices that one can do that are not really,

One doesn't set out to gain enlightenment,

One sets out to gain more comfort in one's own skin.

Such as,

You know,

Various kind of yoga practices,

Various meditations and so on.

There are people who feel that that's the road to enlightenment.

But I think it can be a way to stop the busyness,

Stop the racing around in your mind and just be still for a minute and actually be comfortable in your own skin.

So it sounds like you're talking about no practices,

But maybe you're not.

I'm really talking about an attitude.

I'm talking about where you're coming from.

You know,

One can do yoga practice,

So-called,

Or any kind of practice,

You know,

Tai Chi or Qigong or meditation or whatever,

Without a sense of some other improved version of oneself.

You're just doing it for the sheer enjoyment or for the feeling of,

You know,

Additional comfort and so on.

But not as a way of,

Not as any kind of negation of your being as is.

So one of the things I once heard someone say,

I loved it,

I think Poonjaji said it,

He said,

When the Buddha gets up from his meditation cushion and goes to work in the garden,

He's not a gardener,

He's still the Buddha.

He's the Buddha working in the garden,

Right?

So it's like that.

You're always in your own fullness of being,

Whether you're doing yoga or,

You know,

Sometimes I do,

I feel like I have a little tool chest and I use these tools as needed,

Right?

So sometimes I do breath practice when I need to use breath practice for some particular purpose.

If I'm in pain,

For instance,

I'll use some little mental training just to deal with the pain if it's very intense.

But I'm not actually goal-oriented in it.

I'm just,

It's just a mind management,

I like to say.

And you're also pointing to a kind of physical management whereby you're,

You know,

You're using the body to just to,

You know,

Be intelligent about living in a body,

Right?

So I'm not suggesting that one just lays around and floats in beingness and doesn't,

You know,

Do anything.

But it's more the attitude,

The motivation,

The sense of ease about yourself as is.

So it's not a self-improvement course?

No,

No.

It's really a,

It's really a recognition of the celebration of yourself and of your delight to be here,

Of your delight to be alive and the gratitude that comes with that.

It's,

Like I said,

When,

You know,

We all,

Many of us,

I'm sure in this room have gone on big self-improvement projects.

I know I did,

You know,

And it was endless,

You know,

It was just endless.

I was trying to purify my mind,

Which became more and more hopeless the more I got to know it.

You know,

It was this weird dichotomy because the meditation practice allows you to really know the content and the tendencies of mind,

You know.

But the more I did,

The more horrified I became by the boatload of material that was arising and was very familiar,

You know.

So what a relief to not bother,

You know.

And what weirdly also,

The self-referencing stops,

Or it doesn't stop entirely,

But it diminishes greatly,

You know,

Like the checking on how you're doing,

You know what I mean?

Or like thinking,

You know,

Even thinking about how you're doing and keeping accounts of any sort.

So it's like a whole other huge project falls away.

I'm just going to say one other thing before I pass the mic on to someone else.

It's just that my recent experience is that the point of surrender where you say,

I'm not doing this.

I'm just going to sit.

That there's something that falls away and something that remains and what remains is very still.

And that's a good thing.

Yes,

Beautiful.

Yeah,

That.

And I propose you can actually choose that a lot,

You know,

That we're going to have that reference point and you notice how nice that feels.

You can just start making it,

You know,

Your light and tension through the day that just kind of tapping into that home base in yourself.

This has been In the Deep.

If you'd like to know more about my work,

Which would really help as it takes quite a lot of time and expense to produce them every week,

Please visit katherineingram.

Com.

Till next time.

Reviews

Appreciate this view on setting down the quest for continual “self improvement” 🙏

❤❤❤ I loved the term, 'holy homesickness' & the reference to one of my favorite childhood movies, "The Wizard of Oz"! Never thought I would be thankful to have vertigo right now, which led me to search for a meditation on sickness which directed me to this meditation! Blessed! Very affirming! I appreciate the encouragement for self-validation & self-compassion! God bless you! 😀😀😀🙏

I really enjoyed this. The understanding that meditation in all its forms is not a self improvement course, but a coming home to one's true self is my take away.

Thank you... The homesickness has been both a sorrow and a direction. Blessings to you.

Very nice talk with good subjects. Good for reflecting on.

Wondergul; thank you.