Sculpted Into Essence

Catherine speaks about how the dharma journey is a sculpting away of that which is not our true self by life’s experiences of loss, love, experiments we have made along the way, or paths that we took and played out. We find ourselves in greater authenticity because we can no longer tolerate our pretensions and compromises.

Transcript

Welcome to In the Deep. I'm your host, Katherine Ingram. The following is from a Zoom session broadcast from Australia on March 6, 2021. It's called Sculpted into Essence. There's an apocryphal story, Very unlikely to be true, But it makes a great point. And the story goes that some great sculptor had sculpted an elephant, A stone of course, And someone who was admiring his great work of art said, How in the world did you do that? And the sculptor said, Oh, It was easy. I just carved away all of the stone that wasn't an elephant. There's a way in which the Dharma journey is in a sense a sculpting away by life, By life's experiences, By loss and love and various experiments we've made along the way of things that we tried that didn't work, Or paths that we took, And that we played out a certain type of journey. You know, Not a misstep, Just came to a natural end. And along the way, That which isn't our true self gets kind of sculpted away. And you find yourself more and more in a place of authenticity. And you find in part it's because you actually can't tolerate your own pretensions. And you can't tolerate your own compromises. Which is a good thing. It's a good thing to come to that. It keeps you really honest and humble. And it simplifies things as well. Because, You know, We can look easily, We can look out at the world, The poor world, With all the humans running about in a kind of desperation to be somebody and to have and to keep adding on, You know, A realm of hungry ghosts, Adding on more and more and more, Whatever the more happens to be. People are playing different games in it. Some want stuff, Some want power, Some want sex, Some want drugs, Some even like cruelty. You know, Just this hunger, Constant hunger. Much of it driven by a sense of deprivation about who they are. We've all indulged in that to some degree. It's not to make that some big fatal flaw of ourselves. It's all part of the human ego development, In fact. But let's hope that if you're really letting the Dharma be your guiding light, That ego need is being sculpted. It's getting sculpted along the way. And often it gets sculpted through pain, Through suffering. Now, What some people will do with that is they'll double down on the hungry ghost realm. The suffering happens and they don't get the lesson. They keep going for more. Or they keep compromising, Right? Keep compromising, Keep lying to themselves. But in this turning into the essential nature, And that being pretty much all that's going on for the most part, There is such an ease. There is so much more freedom. And so much more mystery about who you are. Your identity gets a little loose. You can still function and act normal, But your actual internal identity gets a bit loose. Someone said on a recent Zoom session that she didn't really even know if she was shy in public anymore, Because we've been so, All of us have been so non-social in our time of COVID, Right? And she was saying she wasn't even sure if she was a shy person anymore. And I loved that, That sense of no real fixed identity. Because when you're really tuned into this essential nature, It is mysterious. And you can tell stories about your history and things you like and don't like and where you've been and this and that. But way deeper than all of that is this current, This vibratory current that you can experience as your deepest, Truest self. It's real quiet in there. It's really quiet. It's really easy. It's very free. It doesn't have agendas. So I often talk about letting a Dharma intention live very strongly in you and letting all of life's experiences be part of this sculpting. The losses, The wins, The loves, The successes, The betrayals. Let all of it be the manure of your field of wisdom. And then you go deeper and deeper and deeper into this essential self where it's very quiet and you're not trying to prove anything and you can't really compromise. And by the way, I should just be clear about this. The compromise that I'm talking about is not that you have to go around and spew out every single thought and opinion you have in some misguided sense that you're honoring truth. It's not that. It's that when you're put into a position, Whatever the circumstance, And it's somehow demanding a departure from your actual values, You simply can't do it. But you're not constantly trying to impose your will on others or speak your great truths unless they're invited or unless you really see that they're absolutely needed in the circumstance. But when I'm speaking about not lying, I'm speaking more about being in circumstances that are requiring of you to contort yourself inside. Those become much more untenable because you just value peace, Right? This sweetness of being that I'm speaking about this ease, This quiet, This simplicity is so preferable to anything the realm of the hungry ghost could possibly offer you. But sometimes people have to play in that realm a long time before they understand that. And some people have to play in it all the way to the end. We don't have to do that. Yeah, Still very much in lockdown. Vaccination's rolling out now, Which is welcome. Yeah, It's still very much, As I say, In lockdown. And it's challenging, Let's say, For everyone, I think. It's been almost a year now for us of restriction. So I like many people, But it just feels quite significantly impactful, Actually. And I suppose just listening to you, Catherine, What you're talking about is also a challenge in a different way, Whether it's a COVID time or not. I think what you're talking about this morning is quite a challenge. In some ways, It feels like the choice. And at other times, It feels like making these choices that feel innately right can also be isolating. So I struggle with that sometimes. And sometimes I struggle with how that is then in relation to others. For me, It's a choice for sure. And it feels right to be true to myself. But I find that it can be a lonely place. And I think that's. . . Certainly in terms of there are certain circumstances you just can't involve yourself in. Yeah, Yes, Yes. So therefore, The choice to be true to self and live from this place of, I suppose, Just being true to self is probably the easiest way I can describe it right now. It can lead to misunderstanding and it can lead to loneliness some of the time. And I think in these times of isolation where it's not possible to travel, We can't travel beyond five kilometers at the moment. So it's really worth it. So the lack of physical connection with others. I feel quite fortunate because I have a small bubble of family that I'm connected to. So unlike some other people who haven't had physical contact for some time, I don't have that. But I'm very aware of really missing the connection with being able to travel to the west of Ireland or travel to the UK or travel to where my friends are with whom I can connect. And of course, We can connect online. But I'm really missing that. No, No, It's been a long time for people in this circumstance. And I know the weariness that must ensue. I think, Though, It's important to allow the frustration to arise and it's naturally there and all that, But also to simply examine the thought forms that hurt, Right? So some of the thought forms that hurt are, You know, This is just going on too long. And this isn't how my life is supposed to be. And I'm missing out on a lot of other things that would probably make me happy. These thought forms are very, Very powerful and every one of them can be recognized as true. And there can be countering thoughts that keep going toward acceptance, Keep going toward a very sweet acceptance. And I know that one, They can't be a sort of perfect always in acceptance, But to just lean in that direction and say things to yourself that calm down the agitation and the frustration and the sense of loneliness. Because otherwise it's just adding, It's piling on to an already hard situation. There is an inherent aloneness, Right? And we're, As human animals, We're really most human animals are not designed for this kind of isolation. Some thrive in it. Some do thrive in isolation, But not many. And it's, You know, It's quite an experiment this whole entire world is making. But I think that it's important to not give into despair in this regard to really use your attention, Use your intentionality in every way that we always talk about, Right? Just simple joys, Gratitude, Understanding that there are reasons, Obviously, For all of this, Right? There are reasons that this has been the experiment and the alternative perhaps would have been far worse. I don't know, People debate that, But let's assume that that would have been the case. And yeah, We're having to be cooperative. For sure. And I think that's really possible some of the time. And then I think some of the time it's just a kind of weariness that goes with it. Because in my head, I perfectly understand the reasons and the science behind how we have to be right now. But I think just on that human level, It's a weariness of it. And thank God I'm not prone to depression or anything like that. But I think sometimes it's just important just to say, We're good at language here in Ireland, And I'm being careful about my language right now. But it's just like it just gets sick of it. You know, You want to let rip and you just want to go to a concert or go to a play or go to a gig or do something where it's just possible to really let go. Obviously, We can find ways to go and have a good shout somewhere or whatever, Get in the car, That's my favorite place at the moment to do it. Get in the car, Crank up the music and let rip. Yes, Yes. Well, There's plenty. I mean, You know, We're not in prison. We're not in solitary confinement actually in a prison. So we do still have plenty of ways to, You know, Get through the day and amuse ourselves and find little simple joys just like you just described. So I'm just saying use your attention. I hear you, I understand. I have moments myself of, You know, Feeling confined, Even though we're really not confined where I live, But we're not allowed to go anywhere internationally. And a few other, You know, Bits and pieces of inconvenience. Sometimes I'll get a little bit just, You know, I'll think, Oh, You know, I actually can't go to see my family or my friends no matter what I can't go. There's a certain way in which it feels the options are gone. And then I readjust and say, Okay, What am I going to do? Fight, You know, Lay on the floor and kick my feet. I mean, What, You know, So I just readjust the attention into, Okay, This is what it is here right now. I would love to hear how you explain how you combine that with you're not denying. It's not like, Oh, Let's not make a fuss. Oh, Let's not wallow in this. Oh, Let's deny your emotions. We see, You know, There's a lot of people who are constantly, Let's look at the bright side. I know that's not what you're doing. And I would find it useful to hear how you explain the difference, The subtlety there. Yes. So a lot of times when we're tormenting ourselves with a particular thought that we're not doing it deliberately, But let's say a story is arising and it is uncomfortable. But a lot of it is in imagination. Usually, A lot of our tormenting stories are occurring in imagination. So often what I'm saying when I say direct your attention, I'm actually asking you to direct your attention into the current reality in which you're living, The current reality in which you sit. And often if you check it out, It's okay, It's fine there. Now, You're right. We're not just such simple creatures that we don't have frustrations or senses about foreboding about the future or feeling constrained and restricted. Those are all normal feelings to have when in fact you are in circumstances that are limiting your options and your plans. But how much attention do those need in terms of like, Okay, Let's say my own example. I have a thought. Who knows if I'm going to see my family again? I have that thought. Who knows if I'll actually ever see my family, Any member of my family again? Now, That's a painful thought. That is the kind of thought that some people might actually make quite a depression around. People could get depressed at the thought that they're never going to see their family again. And what I do with that is at some point of having that experience of that thought, Which I've had many times in this past year, I say, Okay, Either that will be or it won't be. There's nothing I can do about it right now, Even though it's a sad thought. Don't deny it sadness. But how much time does it need? It arises. I acknowledge it. It's sad when it arises. But how much more does it need to be observed or worked through or talked about in my head? So like that, It's essentially knowing. It's a kind of just an inner knowing when you're out of balance in a certain thought form that's troubling you. You just start knowing, Okay, This has had all of the attention it needs for now. Unless there's something you can do, Like unless there's some plan you can implement that is going to change the course, Then you've got to focus on it. But there are a lot of things that we torment ourselves with that we can do nothing about. And the entire torment then is actually occurring in imagination. So for me, I'm not ever suggesting put happy spins on things. I'm pretty allergic to those kinds of methodologies. But rather, Just come back to a reality, Right? Your senses, The privilege of your senses. I often am aware, Very aware as I get older, Of the privilege of my senses, That they all work still, Even though my eyes are not as good as they once were. But I'm happy to be able to wear glasses and see. And I have trouble with my feet. I used to be when I was young, I was a long distance runner from my school. And now, I can't, I certainly can't run. I have to be careful about how long I walk. Like I can walk about an hour and then I have to rest my feet. So I'm very grateful to still be able to walk to the degree I walk. I'm very happy for that. And so I'm very, Like I'm saying, I'm very aware of the senses that are working, Taste and smell. I mean, As we know, People with COVID have, Some of them have lost taste and smell, Or they do at least temporarily. And just thinking about that, Like, Wow, To not taste or smell. So you come back into your own senses, You come back into present awareness, You come back into the tasks at hand, Whatever it is you're doing, Or enjoying. And you don't impose some kind of, You know, Other grand vision that has to supplant the negative thoughts. I would never suggest that. But simple gratitude about what is and reflecting on actually the privilege of just being. Also time limited. So it's about how you're using, How you're directing your attention only as needed. Like if you're just flowing along, And you're not grumbling inside and you're not sort of lamenting some kind of problem that isn't current, Like that isn't happening in the moment. You don't have to be directing your attention then. It's it can just be flowing along in any old way. See, I used to be involved in a scene where we were supposed to be practicing mindfulness, Sort of all the time, Like you're supposed to be noting this long, You know, Ordeal of noting, Noting, Noting all these experiences, And I don't subscribe to that any longer. I say, Use the directing of the attention only as needed. When the attention is kind of falling off the path of in some way, Just getting a little crazy, Getting depressed, Getting angry, Getting anxious, Etc. Then you, You get out the great tool of your perception that sees that this is unnecessary suffering. And then you redirect. Now that said, There's, There's true grief. And there's, There are losses that come along. Just read this quote, Was it? Something like, It was Kamu or some way. He said something like, I don't want to die. I don't want anyone I love to die. But I'm going to die. And everyone I love is going to die. And, You know, I mean, There's this, There's this inevitability to our, Our sorrow and our losses and our grief. And I allow that I allow my full portion of feeling grief and experiencing grief, Especially in the immediacy of the loss. You know, I have no quarrel with it whatsoever. I know that that's part of loving. But I what I also see is a lot of my own suffering over my lifetime and in conversation with others, I'm aware, A lot of the torment, The mental torment is quite unnecessary. Imagination, That suffering. We do that as humans. It's probably it was probably evolutionarily helpful to imagine possible situations that you have to really figure out a way out of. And so it became this this habit that we have. But one can mitigate that habit, Don't have to destroy it or anything probably can't destroy it. But just to really know, What do you need to suffer and what you don't need to suffer? I love, I love how you then went into the grief bit. Do you have a sense that, Say you're guiding someone else and you're seeing grief, And it gets mixed up with the thoughts and the words they say, You say, Okay, You're heaping misery onto you. Stay with the grief. Do you have a sense of how you detect? Do you have a time? Okay, I've had five minutes, I've had three hours. Can you guide us on that? Do you mean do I have a timeline for them or? I guess when it's for yourself, Let's say, Do you have a sense, Okay, This is grief, I can take my time over it. And oh, Now I'm just making myself unnecessarily extra miserable. Yeah, I do have a sense in my own case, But usually I go over time. I play a while in overtime before I noticed that we're in overtime. I really, You know, Milk it for every last tear. And at some point, I am actually getting the sense, Okay, This is enough already. Not that I think that the grief should be fully gone. I mean, I think with every loss in my life, It takes nothing more than a moment's reflection on the loss that I can feel the grief that's there. That's part of me, Part of my, You know, Part of my history and my story and, And so on. Even so, Actually, And why I kind of went to this talk at the beginning about the deep quiet, The deep quiet place. That is living very strongly in me. It's coexisting with all the stuff of life and all the grief and the love and the drama and the world stage and the madness in the world and the intensification of the destruction and all of that and all the goodwill that exists in the world. All of it is, You know, Kind of all blending around in our particular moment here in history. And I'm watching it with a great fascination and sometimes horror. But there's a deepening quiet concomitant with that experience. There's a way in which I don't want to use the word detach because it's not, That's not it. It's a kind of a witnessing that's quiet. That's basically saying, Okay, This is the show here. This is the show. And it's this just this beingness is in this wonder of another creature experiencing it. So yeah, To your question, Though, As to how long? I mean, I woke up the other morning, I dreamed about my brother who died in 2002. And it was a long, Complicated dream in which we were going to the theater and his new convertible. It was raining. And we got there and he had tickets and I didn't and I went in to get us seats. And then I thought, Oh, They're going to come and ask me for the tickets. And it was this whole complicated thing. And, And then I saw him in the auditorium coming in, And I was yelling his name in the dream to tell him where I was in the auditorium. And I woke up. And I was struck with this grief. I wanted to still be sleeping, I wanted to still be in the dream. And I was just struck with this intense grief, You know, After 19 years, Since the time he was gone. And, You know, And I had no quarrel with that grief being there in my, You know, Realizing I can't just go straight back into that dream. I'm awake now. And there it was, You know, There it was. Yeah, I just think that, You know, We do our best, We do our best to stay strong and to show up and to keep loving, Even though we know the risk and all those things. And at the same time, I am more and more reliant on this quiet place, This, This surrender of all of it. Like there is some way that I'm just witnessing and this witnessing presence. And then the drama of life is going on under the big tent under as another show. Thank you. You're welcome. Where are you? Where are you living? I'm in Scotland. Scotland. A nation of tough people who will say, But everything's fine. Mustn't grumble. Yeah. Right. Yeah. No, That there's a fine balance about things like that, You know, Where you're not even allowed to feel the grief and that you're certainly not allowed to indulge it. So that doesn't really work. There was an American poet. I don't even know if he's still alive. His name was Robert Bly. And he had a line I heard once. He said something like when a man who has a limp tries to walk in such a way that it doesn't show the limp comes out someplace else. So yes, Suppressing often causes some kind of eruption somewhere else. So, Yeah. I really, I have a sense of being really fed by some of the words that I've heard today, Really about the witnessing presence. And I had an experience of grief this week. And I was interested to witness how it came suddenly. And then like I woke up the next morning, Went about my business and almost thought, Well, Hang on, Where's it gone? Like, You know, Does this mean I don't care anymore? Like before I went to bed, I found myself kind of sobbing, Sobbing. And then I thought, Right, Take tissues to bed in case I wake up crying. Well, I didn't. I went to sleep okay. And got up in the morning and thought, Oh, What was that? Oh, Yeah, Yeah. It's a little, It's our little dog who died. And she was 15, Just about 15. So she'd been a very constant, Faithful presence. And she's buried in the grounds of the garden. And I'm interested to note that I'm kind of checking in almost saying, Well, Are you feeling grief now? And today I'm not. I just had that lovely porridge for breakfast and thought, Oh, That's lovely. I've got time to get ready for Dharma dialogues. And so I'm kind of just interested in this. When I, I can't force myself to feel grief and I don't want to. But it's like a game of roulette or something. And I sort of think, Well, Ooh, Wonderful. Something might come today. And of course, The grief of a little dog also can bring up my grief for all sorts of other things. It's like a little conduit where I have permission to also kind of recall someone else. Yes, Of course. Often. I think what I'm saying is I'm really committed to not manufacturing something. No, Of course. Sure. It is interesting how sometimes it works that way with grief that you would have, Perhaps prior to the actual experience, Thought that it might be different, Might be more or might be less. But yeah, Sometimes there's also what's called anticipatory grief, Where if someone has been ill or an animal, A pet has been ill for some time, That your grief process actually starts prior to their actual departure. And so sometimes people get through grief faster because of that, You know, They get through the process a bit faster and also mixed in with relief for any creatures end of their suffering. But yes, Again, Who knows? The seasons of grief are so unique. They're so unique to each of us. Hello. Hello. I have the first time here. I'm very happy to be here. How beautiful. Are you in Germany or where? I'm in Germany. Yes, In Germany. Well, I read a biography about Papaji. There was a story about two Australian people. And I was looking at the internet if I find them and I didn't find them, But I found you. Yes. And well, Then I looked at some videos of you and I really liked it. And I read a book, Passionate presence. I like this book. And well, This is beautiful. How nice that you that you followed that thread. Yeah, I'm really interested about I was reading before Papaji, I was reading a book about Ramana Maharishi. And I'm totally interested about that and how you can, How do you say it, Translate these teachings in our times and make them understandable for Western people. Yes, The Indian people. Exactly. Yes, Yes. Because, You know, We were limited by the ways that things were translated. So for instance, Here's an example. Ramana Maharishi is very known in the West for having this question, Who am I? Right. That that's a very famous component of the teaching. But I was told by someone I met in India who had spoken in Ramana's language, That actually, It wasn't really a Who am I question. It was more like he said, It's not exactly the perfect translation, But it's closer to What am I? If you translate to English, But even that was imprecise. But I liked it better. I liked it better. Because really, It's sort of, It is more of a what it is more of a here we are this, This manifestation is like dancing molecules that everything we look at. Everything we look at everywhere came from stardust, Stardust and gases. And I like to add a mysterious element, Some mysterious component we don't understand at all. And so like, What is that? What is that? So you start feeling into this way mean by you become much more mystery to your own self. You realize, We tell all these stories about Who am I? Right. That's why I don't love that question so much. We tell stories about it. But those stories are very arbitrary. I mean, We've proven in neuroscience over and over again, That memory is not to be trusted, People will have very strong memories about things that can then literally be proven completely wrong. But because they've practiced the memory, Many times, They deeply believe it's true. And even when you show them the evidence, Even if you show them a video of themselves telling a different story at an earlier time, They have a hard time believing it. So we realized that so much of our identity is this rehearsed story about who we are. And that's why I'm saying that when you sculpt away all the non essential bits, You get down to this extremely mysterious experience of being and you can't really even hardly speak about it. You can't label it. You can't and I know if you're attracted to Poonjaji's teachings and to Ramana's teachings, You find that over and over again, Poonjaji used to himself say, He wished so much that someone could speak to him of this essence, And that he wished he could have spoken of it. Of course, He spoke of it very beautifully, As close as you could get. But he would say very touchingly and endearingly, He would say, I wish someone could speak of this. But words fail us. Yeah, Well, I try to, I still read a lot. I like to read. I read a lot. But I know, For me, It's more important to go this way to experience it. Maybe I can ask one first question, Because it's important for me. I had in the last year, Some deep experiences. After that, I am very happy about this. I have some room of joy, Sometimes more, Sometimes less I carry with me. And I really can feel, I'm good and feeling joy. And I'm not good. I think I'm feeling love. Sometimes I say I don't like young beings. I love trees. Yeah, Yeah. So something like that. You know, The people, They make it very hard for me to love them. You know, When I stay in the supermarket, And so on, Go away or something like that. It's really tough to like them. I have to go some kind of way to still be with them. It's not easy for me. Yeah. In one way, I'm happy to have this room of joy. I can a lot more be with myself. I don't need so much from the outside. When I paint, It's not so important anymore. If I have an exhibition and the people say, Oh, It's great. So I do it more from the joy or the joy. Yeah, To express myself. This is all very good. But I would like to go to feel more understanding and love for the people. All right, I'm gonna say something probably controversial. It may not be your nature to go to what you imagine is like the story about love, And about loving everybody, Or about loving even a lot of people or any. It could be that general kindness is good enough. Like that you don't contribute to the pain that is out there. Because frankly, I'm with you. I get thrown by the behavior of humans. I really love the natural world. I especially love the other animal creatures who are the innocents of this world and who are being so destroyed by our behavior. I struggle with my own aversion to humanity. I do. Of course, There are many, Many, Many people that I care so deeply about that I love. But it's not very sentimental type of love. It's not a very mushy kind of love. It's that I'm grateful for their being here at the same time. I think sometimes in spiritual circles, We use the word love. And people tend to exalt that into some idea that is more noble than most of us can really attain. This kind of idea of universal love and all of that. I don't demand that of myself. I'm good with feeling that if I can generate understanding for someone whose behavior is reprehensible to me, Like even if I just witnessed them as strangers or hear about it on the news, And that if I can generate kindness to the people I interact with, That's kind of good enough. I don't really demand of myself to prove anything by any extra grieving. I would apply that to love as well. Maybe it's just not your nature to have that kind of experience of your feelings for people. Understanding goes really long way. A lot of times when someone's done something so horrible and the things humans do, There's no level of depravity that we have not known of humans. There's no bottom to it. What I tend to do in those circumstances is I consider the harm that might have been done to them. We don't know for sure because sometimes people who've grown up in really nice families and all their siblings are perfectly okay, And they're just not. They're a sociopath who's very dangerous or a psychopath. But a lot of people that are filling the prisons, For instance, Have been abused really terribly. Whenever I've come to know of one of those circumstances it really softens my feelings, Really softens my heart toward them, Not to the point of love, Let's say, But just understanding. Understanding and kindness might be just all you need. Thank you. It's great to be here. Thank you. Lovely to meet you. More and more I just have this sense of watching everything in terms of this concept of what is the nature of it, Right? What is the nature of it? Even the possibility of our ending this species and so many of the others which were in the process of ending were losing about 200 species a day on earth. If you let that in and you realize where that's headed, It's just really unspeakable what happens inside of a being holding that kind of information. Even that, One can actually see this is nature playing out. It is evolution doing its thing. Very impersonal. It's just evolution. That's what I mean by going with the nature of things. If this is what evolution is doing, Then this is what we accept. We have to. It doesn't mean we don't try to tweak it any way we can or mitigate it. Of course, We try, But it might not go our way in terms of our trying. Then what is it? It's basically understanding. It's understanding and it's surrender to saying, Okay, This is the nature of things. This is the actual nature. It's not an aberration. It's what evolution is doing. Like that, I view a lot of things through that lens. Anticipatory grief. That's very much where I am. I'm grieving the loss of an aunt, My godmother. She's in hospice now, Hospice at home. She was suffering for a very long time and she and her husband, Who's 92, She's 85, They had a very hard time reaching out and getting help. I got involved in some small way because I went into their community. They're in California and I'm here in Berlin. I got involved and I found the hospice community there and I was able to establish contact for them. And so immediately they had a team working for them. And the most beautiful thing happened, Which was that a guitarist and singer came to their house, Who was part of the hospice team and sang for them. And we're talking about our feelings about humanity and we're talking about, I mean, We do sink pretty low as a species. We really do. But when I heard that about that beautiful act and the strength of the person, I mean, If I think of myself can I go into that situation? Am I strong enough to face the grief of those people and their loss and sing and play an instrument and give up myself? I have been in those situations and I can tell you I just feel very grateful for that person. And things like that are for me the core of who we are, Who we aspire to be. It's brought me great faith, Great faith. Aside from that, I really love the story about the elephant and the sculptor. And my question is, What happens when the mallet of life strikes the chisel and takes too much stone away? And I feel that we're all in that mallet moment where life is hitting us and is taking our little elephant away. And maybe I was a bull elephant before, But maybe now I'm a little, You know, Thai elephant in the forest. My elephant is getting smaller by the mallet of life. And that's sort of where I am. I had great hope for 2022. It's got to be better than this. It's got to be better. And I just had a huge cancellation of a project that I've been working on for 20 years. And so when I'm getting cancellations in 2022 already, That's a smaller elephant. Yeah. Okay, But let me put another frame on it. Because what if actually, Well, Yes, There's there's the loss and adjustments and letting go and things not working out. And all of that comes with disappointment and suffering and perhaps financial stress, All of it granted. But I think also, This time is testing our mettle and forging our mettle in a very different way. I mean, For most of us in our privileged circumstances, And I'd dare say all of us on this call, We were pretty spoiled in life. We've been having a grand party, You know, Compared to everybody else pretty much and in the world and in history. And I just can't help but think that there are jewels in this that were hard won and came through suffering, But that are incredibly powerful. And for one thing, We now live in the actual uncertainty about life and about future. That is much more realistic than the one we were living in, In which the world was our oyster, Right? It was, It's what we thought, Even if it didn't always turn out that way. And if there were bumps, And sometimes people died unexpectedly, But really, We would have had a pretty good bet to have our grand tea party continue. And now not. I just, This is maybe a too long aside, But I just watched Dr. Zhivago. Now, I hadn't seen it in many years. And I had seen it a number of times long, Long ago. And I was quite surprised at how much I forgot, I mean, Like, Pretty much most of the story, Except for some iconic scenes. But anyway, There's this one part where Zhivago and Lara are together, But it's looking like they're both going to get captured. And like, They're both in trouble for different reasons. And, And things were very brutal in that whole Bolshevik revolution time, That was pretty bad, What was happening. And they were acknowledging to each other that this may be some of the last days together. And I think it was Lara said, You know, Let's, Let's make them ours, Or let's make them beautiful, Or whatever. It was, You know, It's obviously a cinematic story. But I was reflecting on how many people have lived in history, And in circumstances where war is coming, Or, You know, Huge changes are underfoot in the world. And, And you can be saying goodbye to someone, You know, They all aren't so great that you're going to see again. And all of those kinds of things you can feel in people who have lived in those ways. Something very strong and powerful. And, And part of that powerful experience, I think, Is knowing how to let go. Knowing you have to let go, When things are gone, When they're taken from you. You know, You like, There's another scene in Zhivago, Where he's been away helping out at the war, And he comes back to Moscow. And their beautiful, Fabulous house has been taken over by the by the revolutionaries. And they've got now 13 families living in what was their house, And they're confined to just one room. Even that starts to get taken away from them, Which is why they eventually left Moscow. But, You know, Like, He just kept, He just kept making the adjustments without fighting without any kind of, You know, He just would say, Oh, Okay. And one of the comrades said to him, You know, 13 families are living in this place where only your private family lived before. And he very sweetly said, Yes, That does seem more fair now. It was like, Really kind of adorable. So I think that this process that we're in, There's some good bits to it. And I'm sorry for you in losing your gigs and, And that there must be some level of even identity material that's kind of shaken like what now. But I think that it does throw you into deeper waters as well. Not to deny that it's hard, But but also to know that, You know, It's preparation for the big one also. Well, I think we're all headed for a shivago moment. My reaction right now is to leave the primitivo on the shelf and start drinking the burgundy. Yeah, Why not? Yeah, Let's let's let's uncork the burgundy and let's get it out. Yeah, Yeah. Why not? There's no real downside to that, Actually. A friend of mine used to say, Don't postpone joy. So I'm gonna gonna leave you with that. Don't postpone joy. And part of not postponing joy is being with all of you this morning. So you're all a part of my joy. I also just want to thank you so much for this community. I've been looking so much forward to it. It's, It's, It's like being with friends. You know, The Dharma friends. I love it. It brings me so much joy. And, And I just, I loved what you said in the beginning about the elephant and, And also about no compromises anymore. I can really relate to that because in this grief period of losing my husband, It's been over a year now. And, And I feel like I just can't compromise anymore with myself. I've done it my whole life. I've been pleasing people. And of course, I'm, I'm, I'm very kind still and all that stuff. But there's something in my body almost screaming about, I just can't compromise anymore. Yeah. Because it's too high of a price in myself. Correct. Yes. Yeah, There comes a point where, Where you, You realize that, That peace, And I know it sounds cliche, But there is no higher happiness. And if you don't have peace, There's nothing else out there that's going to be satisfying. No, Even though, Even though I've been a slave to, Oh, Everybody has to love me. But I have to just say, Not everybody loves me. It's more important with my inner peace because they are bad for me to be with. Do you know what I mean? Sure I do. Yes, Of course. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, That's another part of, Of choosing good company and not making any apologies about that. It doesn't mean that you have to be unkind or, Or that you're punishing people who might want to be with you, But you would rather not be hanging out with them because the internal cost of that is just too much. And some chemistries don't blend well. That's just the law of nature. So the hard part about that one is that when people feel hurt about it and I don't want to hurt anybody. And one has to, Has to factor that in, In terms of how one communicates your own need for quiet and calm and staying at home instead of going out to meet someone. So, You know, You have, You get better and better, I'd say at speaking words that are kind and clear that don't make someone feel rejected. Two and a half years ago, I made a very deep experience. And for two weeks, Everything was one. It was very peaceful and much love. And then it goes less, Less, Less. And sometimes it comes back up, But very often it's again, The way, So it's changing. Okay. Well, There's no, There's no need and really no possibility to hang on to experiences and states from the past, But maybe that experience gave some kind of, Of a sense of, Of, Of, Of, Of, Of, Of, Of, Of, Of, Of, Of, Of resonance. Do you know the word resonance? Yes. Maybe it created some kind of resonance inside of yourself that is more prone to that again. Right. Is more prone to that again, More, Are you in Germany or where are you? Yes. In Germany. Yes. So, Yes. So yes, Maybe, Maybe in that profound experience, It may be created just some opening inside of you, Some way in which there's a certain, You can hear that bell when it's ringing, Right in the now. You don't have to recreate the exact circumstances of the past, However nice that was, It's gone, But there may be an inclination now in you to live more like that in a gentler way, In an ordinary way, I would say ordinary. Sometimes we have these big explosive experiences, Right? But they're not really that easy to live with on a daily basis. You kind of have to metabolize them. You have to metabolize those understandings and those feelings and those insights that come, And then it becomes more like a habit that you have that you're just kind of flowing along in some kind of reverberation of those insights and those experiences. And there might be some little peaks along the way that you can't anticipate or know. Yes, Indeed. So some traumatic things from the childhood. Oh come up, Okay, Yes. Yes, Yes, Yes, Which I didn't know it comes very suddenly and I have to work with it. Sure, Yeah. Well also again, As I talked about at the beginning, There's a kind of clearing out the cutting away of everything that's not the elephant or not the essential self. There's a kind of clearing out and sometimes in the clearing out, You are looking at older material that you really hadn't understood in a wise way before and that now you maybe do understand it in a wise way. So it's part of a process of going to a very simple place, A very simple way of being.