Disappointment

What is the nature of disappointment? Disappointment is when you are hoping something will come to be, according to your preferences, and it doesn’t. Catherine discusses the possibility of overcoming disappointment, love things the way they turn out, and direct the flow of it with passion, effort, and energy. This track is an excerpt from Dharma Dialogues recorded in Lennox Head, Australia in February 2018.

Transcript

Welcome to In the Deep.

I'm your host,

Catherine Agram.

The following is excerpted from a session of Dharma dialogues held in Lenox Head,

Australia in February of 2018.

It's called Disappointment.

What is the nature of disappointment?

Disappointment is when you're hoping something will come to be according to your preferences and it doesn't.

Now there are different types of disappointment.

There are small disappointments and some people live in a situation whereby they're experiencing lots of small disappointments.

Other people might be living in a situation where they have a general disappointment about life,

About how their life has turned out or is turning out.

So there's a big background disappointment,

Which is frankly very,

Very difficult.

And of course some people are dealing with both.

They have a general disappointment,

Feeling that somehow their life is on the wrong course.

And then they're experiencing lots of tiny disappointments.

Or perhaps they frame things that way a lot because of the general disappointment.

But is there a possibility of overcoming such tendencies?

Is it possible to truly love things the way they are,

The way they're turning out?

And also is it then possible to engage in trying to be helpful,

Perhaps try to direct the flow a bit with the passion and the energy and the effort that that would require at the same time,

Not living in disappointment when you see that your effort and your energy is not coming to fruition in some cases?

It takes a certain incredible clarity of mind and heart to live on that fine razor's edge whereby you give your actions over and let come what may.

Now maybe it's fair enough to sometimes have disappointment arise when you've put a lot of effort in and you think you can clearly see this is for the greater good and that if it doesn't happen,

That's going to be a really bad thing.

You might think you see that and therefore disappointment arises,

Perhaps even sorrow arises.

How long though do you have to suffer this before there is a surrender to reality?

This is fresh for me because this weekend I jumped into trying to help with the protest and actions against the West Byron development.

And I spent many hours.

I convinced the ad department at the Sydney Morning Herald to give us a full page ad for a quarter of the price.

I went to the rally yesterday and over the last two days I raised $2,

500 toward the price of the ad.

I met with all kinds of people at the rally.

I got lawyers lined up and one of the big heads of one of the gigantic advertising agencies to donate his time for free.

I and my friends were going to write the thing.

But right now we're stymied because we have no place,

We have no account we can collect the money into,

Believe it or not,

That is stymying us and we don't have time for any delay.

And so this morning I found that out and I noticed this wave,

This huge wave of disappointment arising.

It's a little more complicated.

I won't bore you with all the other details about it,

But it looks like it's going to be quite hard to overcome this what may seem to you on first hearing of rather simple block in the fly in the ointment.

It's actually more complicated than that.

But anyway,

Suffice to say it would take a lot of effort and energy and all kinds of negotiation and this and that to pull this off.

It was already going to be a lot of work.

So I noticed this wave of intense disappointment and sorrow arose as well because I don't actually see any other actions that are happening that look very promising,

Frankly.

And behind that wasn't okay.

It went fairly quickly into okay.

Not that it's good that we don't have this huge help.

That's not,

I can't say a good thing.

I don't plan to put any happy spin on it.

But can I say,

Okay,

Yes,

This is for the moment how it's playing out.

And the answer to that is yes.

I came to the yes fairly quickly.

And the effort and all of that engagement and all of that that was poured into it.

I just give as a,

You know,

The planting of some seeds that didn't come to fruition,

Just like you might throw some seeds in the garden and some of them come up and some don't.

It's like that with life,

Isn't it?

I mean,

So many situations,

So many experiences,

So many dreams,

Right?

We can't help but have a certain relationship to our future pictures.

And we invest our hearts in those pictures,

But when they don't come to be,

Then what?

Yes,

You'll feel a little sting perhaps sometimes more than that,

But please know all of us,

And I say this to myself as well.

I reminded myself earlier today that the fighting,

The resistance to what already is,

The resistance to reality is a losing battle.

And you only just add on more suffering when you battle it.

So as you know,

The last few months have been quite tumultuous in all my externals.

And last night I hit this point of just absolute frustration and just this rage was coming through because I just want one thing to go right.

That would be awesome.

And so I hit a wall last night with it.

And I just felt really angry and resentful.

And it was very much that thing of,

I had such a beautiful three months when I first moved back here and I was very blessed.

And then to lose it all within a day and everything,

I lost everything.

So savings,

Partner,

Living space,

It all just kind of went.

And it was just like,

Okay.

And so I've been trying to stay positive and then I just cracked it last night and really,

And then all I could do was surrender to it because all I saw,

All I could see and feel was that as that rage was playing out,

I was stepping away from myself and that was what was causing the pain.

So the only pain that actually existed was not in the externals and it was purely my perception of them.

And so then when I came back to rest with myself,

When I really am just that one breath,

Not even a breath away,

Just actually just go back in,

Go back in,

Go back in,

Lose all the ideals,

Lose that mental landscape of what looks nice and what was nice because it's not there anymore.

So if I'm wanting back what I had or projecting what I think I want,

I'm just in discomfort and then it builds and builds.

Constant disappointment.

Yeah,

Yeah.

And even though all this craziness is on,

You know,

In my externals that I'm so blessed in amongst all that craziness.

And also all kinds of other blessings are your life,

Right?

Yeah.

At the moment,

They're a little bit tricky to see.

Yes,

But can you see any?

Yes,

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

In fact,

Many probably.

Many,

Many,

Many,

Many.

I'm still in fight flight mode just with the financial insecurity.

So I know that there's still that adrenaline going,

You know,

So the mind,

I'm just,

I watch,

You know,

There's the watching of the mind and the mind is darting about looking for solutions,

So it's kicked into problem solving.

Right.

And that can all be occurring in a relatively relaxed way that one can just take it as they come,

You know,

This detail gets handled and then the next detail gets handled,

Right?

And that's all you can do.

Exactly.

And at times like this,

Where a lot has been,

You know,

Washed away,

It is really important to count the blessings of what is left.

Thank you.

Yes,

Lovely,

Lovely to see you.

And I know,

Of course,

You know,

All of this in your own heart,

It's written in big letters.

Yeah.

And then I've got this joy.

Yeah,

I know.

This is life.

Yes,

I know.

In this moment.

Yes.

With people of a similar heart.

Yes.

Or who seek to stay in that heart space.

Yes.

Because we're all that.

Right.

But those who.

.

.

When you get to share with the similar people who also want.

.

.

Want that.

Yes,

Yes,

Absolutely.

It's the power.

It's the power of coming together like this.

It's exactly what it does,

You know,

No matter what we talk about.

It's that you're sitting in a room and that is being transmitted to each other loud and clear.

Yeah.

Right.

Absolutely.

Reminds us of each other's hearts.

Yes.

Where they really want to dwell.

Yes.

Where they dream.

And I often speak about it being a kind of frequency that you're just,

You know,

You're immediately tuned into.

Yeah.

It's sort of this undercurrent or this frequency.

Totally.

That is the one that you want to live on and that you're dipping into in a situation like this.

It's a really loud broadcast of that frequency.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I think that's the power of the blessing.

It's not up at the moment.

It's just the story,

You know.

Yeah.

I seem to live in a way where I have such an abundance of beautiful things around me,

Like visiting my daughter in Perth and travelling and all sorts of things.

And at the same time,

I've got nothing.

And I've really been struggling lately with that sense of failure,

Of just complete what's the point of anything.

And I sit in that daily.

Daily.

I have for a long time.

And there's so many actions which can change it.

There's so many things I can do.

My friends are all like,

Come on,

All you got to do is this.

And none of it appeals to me.

Nothing.

Right.

Nothing holds water.

Yeah.

And I think that's only right now,

Right now,

Is all I have,

Really.

Yes.

Wow.

Yeah.

I don't know what to do about it.

Or the mind is just endlessly throwing up solutions.

And you need to get a different job.

And you need to do this.

And you need to do that.

But it all feels completely empty to me.

I hear you loud and clear.

Do you?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well,

This emptiness,

I try and let it in,

In a sense.

I let go into it and I sit in it.

And there's nothing there.

There's absolutely nothing there.

Yeah.

No me.

No nothing.

Yeah.

I'm okay with that.

At some point,

I'm just,

It's just witnessing it,

You know.

Yeah.

But I,

All the fears and things about,

You know,

What are you going to do?

Where are you going to get your next paycheck from?

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

Yeah.

They're all sitting there.

Yeah.

I don't know what to say,

Catherine.

I'm.

.

.

Well,

You said it very clearly.

And I think others in this room can relate as well.

And I certainly can relate as well.

I'm not exhausted by it.

Right.

But I feel like it feels dead,

For want of a better word.

Like,

I know it's very beautiful and all right,

But there's something there that's just,

And I think,

Oh,

Maybe it's a childhood feeling or something like that.

I'm going to look into that and da da da da da da da da da da.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

One thing that occurred while you were speaking though,

When you said you had nothing and that people make all these suggestions,

None of which appeal.

One thing that did occur as you were speaking was that you actually have freedom to not be forced into things you don't want to be doing.

Like,

You're not forced into having to go down some track that is completely a compromise to your soul.

Like,

You have the freedom of not compromising yourself.

Is that true?

I'm living with developers,

Guys who are making hundreds of thousands of dollars and da da da da.

I'm living with people who are very dynamic.

You want something,

You go and get it.

Right.

That sort of high energy.

Yeah.

We live in a culture of people being judged and valued by,

To my way of seeing it,

All the wrong things.

We live in these kinds of cultures here in the West.

That's how it is set up.

Yes,

It is.

And to challenge it takes enormous confidence.

Which I don't have.

Yeah.

I mean,

It's very hard to have it because there's a collective trance and it's very hard to be confident when everybody else sees it one way and you see it a different way.

But it is the domain of many,

Many people who have loved the deeper truths throughout history and who have walked a very different path,

Including my teacher,

Poonchichi,

Who also had nothing by the way.

He did not own a house.

He lived in a really tiny rental house with a whole bunch of other people in incredibly basic conditions.

I don't know if you've ever heard me tell this story.

You probably have,

But one time when I was there visiting,

One of my girlfriends came from America to visit and she is and was very,

Very wealthy.

Her husband was extremely wealthy.

And she only stayed three days,

But she was so taken with Poonchichi that at the end of the three days,

She wanted to buy some gifts for him.

Now we'd been in his house a lot and she had noticed all these things that she perceived were missing from his house,

Like that were needed at the house.

So,

She and I go to the market.

This is all her initiation.

We go to the market and she buys just a massive amount of stuff.

We came home with these gigantic baskets,

Which she also bought,

Everything extremely expensive,

Shaving kits and all kinds of kitchen tools and kitchen things,

Very,

Very high-end sheets.

I mean,

I can't even remember them all.

It's many years ago.

We go to his house and we leave these baskets the next morning.

And even as we're doing it,

I'm thinking,

This doesn't quite fit.

This doesn't quite feel right.

And she insisted on putting both of our names on the card,

Right?

Well,

She then flew out that day.

She left.

I'm still there,

Right?

So,

Poonchichi doesn't say one word to me,

Doesn't say thank you,

Doesn't say anything.

But over the next few weeks I'm noticing everyone else's house I would go visit,

There would be one of the things from our basket that had been given to them.

He gave everything away.

He gave it all away.

He didn't even keep the shaving kit.

Somebody else got the shaving kit.

And without a word spoken,

It was a powerful teaching to me,

Right?

In many ways.

One was I actually knew in my heart of hearts that this didn't feel right and I actually didn't want my name on it,

But I was too,

I didn't want to offend my friend and say,

Please take my name off the card.

But also just to see someone live so freely with so little and not want anything more even when it's laid at your feet,

Right?

It was so fantastic.

And he was like an emperor in the world.

He was like an out of the box creature.

And all that he left was the love in our hearts.

That's all that was left behind of him.

And that's all we really actually are about here.

And we forget because of the cultural hallucination.

And I do notice that with anyone I choose that they're consumed and distracted with this.

There's nothing more important in their lives than what they're doing or having or getting.

I know.

And like I was just with my daughter and her boyfriend,

He's got six houses and five cars and a big speedboat and he doesn't work and he's like,

What are you doing?

And he's no happier than I am or anything like that at all.

In fact,

Quite the opposite.

Yes,

I'm not surprised.

I know a lot of people just over the course of life,

Because I happen to know a lot of people in general.

I know people from all stratas.

And a lot of people who have a lot of things,

They're very busy taking care of all that stuff and protecting it and fretting and they get pissed off because someone was using their beach house and broke their lamp.

It's like a lot of times we really project about lots of things with regard to having and getting and wanting and showing and proving and being somebody and all of those things.

You take a step aside and think,

Is it really better or was my simple life the one that I actually wanted?

Because if you really,

Really,

Really wanted stuff,

You have the capacity to get it.

It's just that you want your time and your freedom and your ease of being and your easier life,

Perhaps more.

That's true for a lot of people.

But then they get tormented by.

.

.

I'm trying to make peace with it.

Yes,

Good.

My whole life has been this actually.

It's ridiculous.

I've had times of absolutely nothing.

Yes.

Sitting on the side of the road.

And you've had times of something.

You've had houses.

And I've had times of houses and kids and everything.

Yeah,

You had the whole catastrophe.

Yeah,

Absolutely did.

I just wish I could feel in myself much more at ease with it than I do.

It's a gift you can give yourself.

Only you can give it.

Sure,

But I.

.

.

Do you never give it to yourself ever?

Is there never a time when you just are sitting at the beach and looking at the sea or having a nice cup of coffee with a friend?

There is all the time,

Catherine.

All the time.

There's moments when you think,

This is pretty damn good.

I don't need to be anywhere else.

Yeah,

I get a lot of that.

But this feels like an underlying.

.

.

I'm not going to say awareness because I don't feel I'm very aware of what it actually is.

An underlying agitation of sorts or something.

Yeah,

Frustration and agitation.

Feeling of something being missing.

Yeah,

Yeah,

I guess.

Well,

Of course,

There's no point in fighting with the feeling,

But that what I always recommend is a counter,

A counter story.

When the feeling is arising really strongly,

Something's missing,

Then there's a countering that you can do,

A reflection that says,

No,

Something's here is all also.

It's that some.

.

.

Okay,

Something's missing.

Well,

Maybe,

But something's here.

Something's here.

Good health.

Can see.

Can breathe on my own.

Well,

That's a declining affair,

Isn't it?

But right now,

Right?

So pretty good.

And to dignify your wonderful life with a lot of how it's rolled out is because that was the pull at the time.

One of my friends has a great line.

He's a blogger.

His view of history,

The way history rolled out is simply said by,

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Whatever was happening,

The war,

The invasion,

The this,

The that,

Seemed like a good idea at the time.

Women couldn't vote,

Then women could vote,

And all of it,

All of the history.

So how it played out.

And that's how our lives often go.

It's rolling out because you took this step,

Then this step.

Did this step feel okay?

Yes.

Then we take the next step.

I never feel I've betrayed myself.

Well,

There you go.

But I just sometimes look at the consequences of decisions and think,

Wow,

Wouldn't have been hard to see a bit better than that.

No,

But maybe that's just a frame on it that is an unnecessary suffering.

What if you can look at your life as you sit here in frankly,

A lot of privilege,

Really,

By world standards?

Okay,

We've got that.

And also look at your life and think,

You know what,

Truthfully,

It's been pretty great.

A lot of joy,

A lot of love,

Beautiful children,

A lot of blessings.

What if that were equally true,

Maybe more true?

Thank you.

I'm just wondering if you could talk on comparison a little bit and the way the mind works with comparison because that feels like it's the root of a lot of the… Absolutely.

Yeah.

It's a very common thing,

Isn't it?

I mean,

We can't help but do it.

And I noticed whenever I've read about the studies of the other primates,

They do a lot of… They have a lot of jealousy and a lot of drama running in their little societies.

And so,

Yes,

It's a very common thing and we can't expect to eradicate it in our own case,

But one also doesn't have to be operating at the effect of it.

So when you're noticing it,

Just like we're talking about disappointment,

When you're noticing it and at some point you realize this is really going to go nowhere,

I'm fighting a losing battle.

When you notice a comparison about anything,

About somebody having something or some situation that you don't have and they do and so on,

Of course,

You don't have to beat yourself up for having it.

It's a human thing,

Very conditioned,

And see if you can move the attention.

One simple way to move the attention too is that you actually don't know what their internal experience is,

Right?

So sometimes you're projecting about,

They must be so much more at ease in the world than I am because their circumstances so much better,

One might say to oneself.

When you really don't know that,

Nor do you know that it will hold even if it happens to be true.

And it's not to wish ill on anybody,

It's just to say that some of our stories that are tormenting us don't necessarily have to be true.

And then fall back into,

I love the phrase and I say it all the time,

Dignifying one's own life.

This happens to me in my life and frankly,

It's a lucky life,

In the scheme of things,

Really lucky life.

And it's funny how we always compare upward instead of the downward part where there's billions of people scrapping for just today's food.

Against that standard,

We're incredibly lucky.

This appointment would come up probably from when I can remember going to school and this is what you do.

I've never really enjoyed the idea of working because you have to achieve something to show everyone what you've achieved.

I'm quite happy to work with what needs to be done.

Picking one thing that you have to be very good at for the rest of your life and constantly,

It's like a house that keeps falling down,

You have to keep propping it up everywhere.

So I guess the little fantasy I have that I just caught there was with disappointment is my golden thought is I can't wait till I don't have to work anymore.

And if that never comes,

I'll be very disappointed.

So I wake up every day and I'm like,

I have to go to work.

I have two small ones and we're at that stage of our lives that anyone this age with kids would,

It's a hard time.

So you're just trying to get your first house and it's not a big deal.

It'll pass or it won't.

The expectation of it being how I want it to be,

It may come or it may not.

So that's,

I don't think I need to give it energy anymore.

Yeah,

You don't.

You're doing what you're doing for a greater good,

Which is that you're supporting your family.

So when you surrender to that what's so,

That you wouldn't feel as good if you weren't supporting your family.

Yeah,

It's an easy decision.

Yeah,

It's an easy decision.

And that's the one to notice,

Right?

It's that basically it has to be done at this phase.

Yeah.

And you can't really know what will happen in the future.

You can't see the future.

So to just surrender to how it is now is that you have children and they're thriving and you're doing your job as dad.

Again,

When you dignify your life,

You dignify the hand you were dealt.

This has been In the Deep.

You can find the entire list of In the Deep podcasts at KatherineIngram.

Com where you can also book a private session by phone or Skype and see my schedule of upcoming events such as our spectacular retreats in October of 2018 in Italy or in New Zealand in May of 2019.

If you're a regular listener,

Please consider making either a one-time or a recurring tax deductible donation in any amount that is comfortable for you.

Till next time.

Reviews

Yes, very helpful! Thank you! ❤️🙏

Very interesting listen
Thank you

Really helpful to hear others talking about their experiences around such an emotive subject, something we all experience and deal with in our own way.
Thanks for an excellent discussion 🙏🏻

Amazing advice as always Catherine! Dignify your life. Fantastic. Thank you so much! ❤️🙏

Excellent - thank you!

Helpful perspectives to have when facing disappointment. I particularly enjoyed listening to your teacher's story...how free he is, content and joyful with the little he had.. inspirational..🙏🌟 Thank you for this. Namaste 💟

Really helpful to hear people’s stories and how we all struggle with acceptance, even when we know intellectually it’s power. Good to be reminded that our experience of the external is all in our heads. Thank you for living your dharma.