Addicted To Stimulation

Modern life almost requires over-stimulation. We are living in — and have come to value -- a swirl of information delivered to us faster and faster. But our brains have probably not adapted to the increase of speed, the glut of information, and the pressure to keep up. Is it possible for us to live at a slower pace and still participate in the modern world? Catherine proposes that it is a choice, and that choice may require us to make changes in our lives.

Transcript

Welcome to In the Deep.

I'm your host,

Katherine Ingram.

The following is from a Zoom session broadcast from Australia on January 3rd,

2021.

It's called Addicted to Stimulation.

I've mentioned on previous sessions how much I've been enjoying watching movies or a series that are set in a previous time,

A previous era.

And of course,

Part of what is so enjoyable about that is the pace of life is so slow and just so different from what had been our pace of life.

Our pace of life has also slowed up in this past year.

And I've been just reflecting on on that contrast.

I've been missing,

Of course,

That slower way.

I prefer it.

And I've set my life up to a great degree over the years to honor that,

To indulge in slower ways and slower places and lots of time in silent retreats where things go very,

Very slowly.

Sort of nature's pace.

But I'm also aware that as a creature of my conditioning in this particular time,

And in noticing during the COVID lockdowns of this past year,

That I think we're all struggling a bit with our addictions to stimulation because we are so overstimulated.

We're really overstimulated,

Every one of us.

And there's probably some very strong neurological toll that it is taking.

I think that shows up in many,

Many ways in our societies in the epidemic of children having what's called ADHD and many adults and whole generations now being reared on a kind of nanosecond timeline of life where everything is just speed and more speed.

And needing the mind,

Needing the brain to be constantly entertained,

Just flitting,

Flitting from one thing to the next to the next to the next.

And so when we're confronted with a slowdown,

A stop in a way,

A lot of people,

Because it's almost an addiction,

It's like stopping cold turkey,

People are going a bit crazy.

Not just a bit.

A lot of people are going really,

You know,

Losing their marbles over what they perceive to be as this imposed containment when really what's happening,

We're not able to run about and have and consume and be instantly entertained and go anywhere we want and do anything we want.

We're temporarily not allowed to do those things.

Is this a cause for a lot of hissy fits and panic and fury and violence?

Is this a cause for that?

I say no.

That is a rather extreme overreaction and indicative of the behavior of addicts when they can't get their drugs.

And I say no because I'm not a victim of that.

I'm not a victim of addicts when they can't get their drugs.

So is it possible for us to use this time for more contentment and maybe live like humans had to live for many centuries?

Like in watching that I mentioned moments ago,

One of the things especially in watching the women,

They were often sitting around in drawing rooms sewing.

They'd be sewing or embroidering or knitting or reading a book or playing the piano.

Often a fire would be going,

They'd be sitting by the fire mending something.

Right?

One imagines just all of the kinds of craft work that people have done for centuries that took time.

And anyone who's spent time in Europe or in any of the places where the great architecture lives,

You can't help but be struck by the amount of time that went into the tiniest things,

The smallest objects,

Let alone the grand buildings and cathedrals and so on.

They lived on a different timescale,

Even though their lives were actually shorter than ours,

On average,

Quite a bit shorter,

And yet they lived on these long timescales.

What they did was something for perpetuity.

We have lost all of these ways of being and these arts.

And we have traded it for this blur of mostly nonsense,

Really,

Let's face it,

Of nanosecond realities of give me this,

Give me this,

And give me this now.

And if I can't have it now,

I'm going to be angry.

We can use this training we've had this past year,

This training we've had this past year.

We can use this to our advantage.

Because we've developed a certain facility with letting go and making do and taking time to do things because we can't do other things.

We can't go run about.

So you might have been noticing that you've taken time to learn something new or to create something.

Or even if it's just that you spend a whole lot more time looking out your window.

How great,

How great is that?

It's good we got an interruption.

It's great.

The wheels were about to come off from the careening runaway train into oblivion.

It was about to do to its own velocity come apart.

And it got us it got to slow down.

And we got to slow down.

So this is a proposal for us to be actually really grateful.

And I know some of you are going into another lockdown.

So called another lockdown,

We could also call it another pause,

We could call it a retreat,

You're going into another retreat.

And there may be resistance,

There may be some hardships,

There may be economic concerns,

There are all those things and I don't take away from the stress of any of that.

All life has some degrees of stress embedded.

But there are also beautiful components that you can use to enhance your life and to feel grateful and to go a bit slower.

It's nice when everybody around you is going slower,

Isn't it?

If you are someone who likes going slow,

It's great when everybody else is forced to go your pace.

It reminds me of a line from Leonard.

I always liked it slow.

I never liked it fast.

You want to get there first.

I want to get there last.

The greatest revealings of the heart,

The greatest insights,

The greatest works of art,

The greatest wisdom comes from these deeper places,

These deeper,

Quieter places.

It does not come from the frenzy,

The hubbub,

The neurotic consuming white-hot greed and desire that is the usual fare of what our culture has promoted and is celebrating.

That's not where any of those qualities are found.

So you're not missing out.

You're not missing out.

You're falling in.

Drifting in,

Floating in.

That's what came to say.

As I'm aware,

I'm talking to some of you who are dealing with another kind of constraint on the movements,

But I'm here to say it's okay.

Better than okay.

You might really enjoy it.

I'm happy.

A couple days ago,

I broke my right wrist.

I'm having to do things with my left.

So I'm a little slower and it's yet another opportunity to slow down.

Yes.

Hi,

Catherine.

Hello.

Oh yeah.

I know if you remember me from Ojai way back.

Oh my goodness.

Okay.

How?

Probably 10 or 15 years ago or?

Yeah.

Yes.

Yep.

So I've been listening to your podcasts and I'm really happy to be on your,

Still on your list.

So this is really good to see you.

And you.

Anyway,

For the most part I've had,

I,

You know,

I was quite type A for many years.

And as I've aged and then had events that have just created circumstances where I didn't have a choice,

But to slow down.

You know,

I'm,

So I'm quite enjoying it,

Moving out the woods and just don't have a lot that I'm doing,

But I've been noticing this inner push lately.

It's like a piece of conditioning that's telling me I need to be doing more.

And I think what really,

What I'm,

What should be happening is I'm just learning to be and to slow down,

But there's definitely an internal,

Like I'm not doing enough kind of place.

And at the same time,

I live close to my grandchildren and my parents and been helping.

It seems like my life is sort of turning into just helping parents and grandchildren and people that I know that aren't doing well,

But I'm not out,

You know,

Pushing to make money.

I don't push anymore,

But there's something in there still pushing me.

Is that because you sense you don't have enough money?

No,

It's something there's just a should,

You know,

I have enough.

I just think that,

You know,

There's something else,

Some societal.

Let's address that.

So I'll just address what you've said so far.

Well,

First of all,

This push and this feeling of should is exactly what I was referring to at the outset of this talk,

That there's a way in which we've been very conditioned,

Not just a stimulation of that too,

But also to a sort of sense of pushing the somebody out into the world because we live in a culture that very much values you for what you are producing or what your status level quotient might be or how many friends you have on social media,

Etc.

All of this again in the category of pure nonsense,

But it's a very strong conditioning that is rolling around in the world,

Right in the whole world.

And fortunately,

There are some countries that are not caught up to all that.

So it's,

Sometimes you feel that you're standing in this wishing stream that's going the opposite direction of the of the way that you're facing standing in the stream is just rushing by you.

And you can't,

You resist surrendering to that stream because it's an enigma to your spirit.

And I would say that that is because you have a strong spirit.

So what you've described that you are doing,

Helping your grandchildren and being there for the rest of your family,

How wonderful.

That's what people did do for most of history.

That is what they did.

Right?

How wonderful is that?

What a privilege is that?

You know,

Who's keeping score anyway?

The most so-called successful people,

The biggest names,

The most,

The iconic characters of history in a very short time.

Nobody's even mentioning their names anymore.

I once heard this adorable story that Paul McCartney told.

He was sitting around the table.

This is after he was married to Linda McCartney,

And they had young children.

And so one of his kids who was six years old at the time,

They're having dinner.

And she says,

Daddy,

What were the Beatles?

What really matters while you're here?

What actually matters is the love that you're sharing with those around you.

And it sounds like you're pacing that part.

You're getting gold stars on that one.

So I don't think you should worry about this.

I mean,

You're free to do it.

It's just a little extra suffering.

But it's part of living in this world of the me fixation,

The fixation on self,

Has gone to almost a comedic level.

I mean,

Pretty soon people are going to just be walking around with selfie sticks,

You know,

Just and that there's this sense so many people have now that if it's not being filmed and shown on their social media,

It sort of was not even worth having or doing.

Like everything has to be self-promoted out into the world in order to feel like you're having an experience.

You know,

It's so exhausting and so insipid.

And it doesn't allow for we spoke about this on the call last night.

It doesn't allow for much reflection on the eternities,

You could say on the deeper things,

On the deeper philosophies of life,

On the real considerations of what even matters here.

What even matters,

Given this blink in time that you're here.

This is part of the madness of the culture.

This is the,

We're like in the last days of Rome here,

Where it's like,

Oh,

I'm going to die.

I'm going to die.

I'm going to die.

It's just the,

We're like in the last days of Rome here,

Where it's just going into pure insanity.

And that's why I'm saying don't worry about stepping out of the maelstrom.

Don't worry about being seen as the oddball.

You can be,

Either you'll do it alone and nobody else appreciates it,

Which is fine.

Or you can be an inspiration to all the other so-called weirdos out there,

The misfits,

Who don't fit in to the death machine.

Don't fit in as little cogs in the army of the death machine.

That's what it is.

And you don't fit.

Hallelujah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Yes.

So good to be with you.

Beautiful.

Much love.

And to you.

Hi,

Katrin.

Hello,

My dear.

How are you?

Happy new year.

And to you.

I'm pretty good.

I mean,

Good relative,

Not good as I was a year ago,

But good as in how I was a month ago or two months ago.

Yes.

Yes.

I had an okay Christmas.

I mean,

It was no worse or no better than any period of time around these last few weeks.

I stayed home in my apartment on my own.

And I was fine with that.

I was wondering how you were going to do this.

Yeah,

I didn't feel like going anywhere for,

Well,

For a couple of reasons.

One,

Because just too emotional and kind of wanted to,

Didn't feel like I could be myself around other people.

It felt like under a bit of pressure.

And two,

COVID.

I mean,

I didn't want to go because of COVID.

And it's funny because a few close friends had asked me to come.

And if there was no COVID,

I still wouldn't have come.

But COVID was a good excuse.

But one of my friends,

He said he'd come down and pick me up Christmas day.

And I was never close to going.

But it's funny,

He had,

Which was very reckless,

But he had a family over on Christmas Eve.

His friend,

His friend's wife,

Who's a nurse and two kids who are in school all the time,

It ends up,

They ended up having COVID.

And he got COVID this week,

My friend.

So if I'd gone to him for Christmas Day,

I probably would have got COVID.

And things can always get worse.

So I mean,

It just goes to show you can't,

You know,

So something was telling me definitely not to.

Yes.

I'm so glad you shared that.

I'm glad everyone got to hear that.

All your instincts,

Even if it means you give up something.

Yeah.

And he's okay.

But he still,

He has COVID.

So who knows?

And the person that came to him Christmas Day,

They went to their family,

Or Christmas Eve,

They went to their family.

And Christmas Day,

And I think,

Like 10 or 15 people now have it from that one.

Oh my gosh.

It's crazy.

Wow.

Crazy.

Yes.

But I had a little flip.

Three weeks ago,

It was a Saturday.

I was very emotional.

I remember being in the hallway with my neighbor and I couldn't even have a conversation.

I had to come in.

I was just,

And I've been going back on foot and I've been talking to my neighbor and I've been going back on foot with my,

With April's phone,

And I'd gone to the store maybe three and a half weeks ago,

I handed up her phone.

And I'm like afraid to give up her phone.

And then I took it back.

I went to the Verizon store and I took it back.

Because I felt like,

Do I have all the photographs?

Do I have all the passwords?

And I did.

I did.

But I'm going through the phone last three weeks ago on Saturday.

I'm in a bad way.

And I make sure I write down all the passwords,

Which I probably won't even need.

I make sure all the photographs are transferred,

Which they are.

And I'm just going to that Notes app on our phone and I just click onto it.

And there's just a few things from work.

It literally is the last thing I'm checking and I don't even know why I'm checking it.

And then I see that she'd written a couple of things on August 3rd,

Which was after she'd gotten sick,

But before she had started adding chemo.

So her head was,

She was in a good place as in the chemo wasn't in her body because once that chemo went in,

Everything changed.

I mean,

It just did.

And she'd written like notes and all the things she wanted to do during chemo,

Like our therapy and the diet she wanted to do.

And all that went out the window really fast,

You know.

But then I found a note,

A long note that she had written to me in case that she would die.

Oh my gosh.

And it was absolutely,

I mean,

It just changed everything because like I said,

Her head was clear and it was like,

It was about how she,

And she was joking.

She says,

Here I am trying to control your grieving.

And it was like that she was speaking to me on that day.

Oh my gosh.

And how amazing that you didn't give up the phone.

It was amazing that I didn't give up the phone.

And I mean,

Really since then,

There's been a flip and it's not,

Really there has been a flip right there.

And then I just cried my eyes out reading it.

And she,

You know,

A lot of the things that she'd wanted me to do,

I've been doing,

You know,

My meditation and my yoga.

She told me not to isolate and whatever you do,

Don't isolate.

So even though I mean,

You have to isolate,

But I've been like,

I've made a note to call somebody every day if somebody doesn't call me,

You know,

And a lot of things,

A lot of things.

But just amazing to have that,

Like,

That she's speaking to me.

And it was like,

It was like there was a closure on some level,

But an opening up kind of an ending of one relationship maybe and an opening up of a new relationship with April.

But it just,

I mean,

I was so close to not having that really.

Oh my goodness.

And also in a way,

It's interesting the timing of it because it may have come at such the perfect moment in terms of your grief process.

You know,

Like had you found it earlier,

It might not have landed in quite the same way as now when you've had some space around the intensity of the aftermath of her death.

Because that's kind of a shock period.

There's a certain like the grief is so overwhelming that your body is just sort of in shock,

And almost nothing can kind of get in.

But as it starts the healing process,

Not that it's healing,

But just as I said last night to someone else about her,

She lost her husband a year ago,

That more space starts to open up around the grief.

And then other things can be noticed and felt just as one,

You know,

If you've had a bad injury,

There's a certain shock to the whole entire region,

Such that you know,

You can't feel anything in the sense except the pain,

It overwhelms the whole region.

But then as the pain starts to subside,

You start to feel other sensations.

And anyway,

This discovery of the note and the way that that happened,

Has some kind of beautiful grace in it,

Nothing magical,

But just the timing was really interesting.

So I'm doing well,

I feel like I'm doing well,

I'm doing a lot of things.

There's more,

There really is more space.

And you're just talking about the silence.

Now,

I'm journaling,

I'm writing,

I did a grief journaling thing online for a month,

Which was fantastic.

But that's over now.

So now every morning,

I just write a page of a journal to April,

As if like,

Telling her kind of what's going on.

Somehow that helps me,

You know,

It just helps me.

And I've been meditating every day,

Twice a day,

Most days.

And I've really been just kind of things have been opening up,

You know,

Really,

It's kind of like letting the pain kind of go through me on some level.

And I feel like there's openings here,

Like compassion and stuff like that,

Even other things that maybe were dormant as well.

And yeah,

The journaling,

The meditation,

I do a grief group,

And I'm doing a lot,

I'm exercising every day,

And I'm doing a lot of good things.

I'm reading way more than I used to.

I was really struggling to read.

I've been trying to take a half an hour every day to put down the phone.

And it's funny yesterday,

Like just to not connect with the phone.

And yesterday,

I put it down,

Like from 4.

30 to 5,

I set my timer,

And I put it down,

And around five minutes later,

I pick it up forgetting.

I don't understand what are you doing?

I'm trying to like disconnect from my phone for at least a half an hour during the day.

And you mean you're on your phone all the rest of the time?

No,

I'm not.

But I want to consciously,

Consciously not be,

Yeah,

Turn it off.

And just not,

Yeah,

Because I feel like I'm on it way too much.

So just,

But it's like,

I was around six or seven minutes in,

And I picked it up unconsciously.

Well,

It's what I'm speaking about,

The addiction to stimulation that we've been getting accustomed to for quite some years now.

And that we should challenge it.

And I really encourage us to challenge it.

It doesn't serve us.

It's,

I mean,

We can use,

Obviously,

We can use technology as our servant.

But unfortunately,

It's becoming our master.

And so this is an unhealthy relationship.

It's kind of an abusive master.

So yeah,

But anyway,

I'm very,

Very happy to see how you are tonight.

That's beautiful.

And really happy to see that.

And you've definitely processed a lot in the last few months,

You're definitely processing a lot.

And I'm sure that it's not that the grief isn't powerful.

And part of it,

You know,

It just sort of starts to live in you.

I said I was talking about it,

I think last night on the call,

How,

You know,

It starts to live as sort of the background.

And you're not probably there yet.

But at some point,

It's like a background thing that has been metabolized in your system.

As I said last night on the call,

I did say this,

That I feel like I'm a catalog of all the losses that have happened in my life,

Of my best friends and my brother and now my father and all kinds of people that I've loved.

I feel like,

And going back to my grandmother when I was seven,

Which was an incredible one,

Because she really functioned as a mother to me.

And I feel like it's all part of now who I am.

And yet any one of those losses,

If I think about it,

Has sorrow with it,

But I'm not afraid of that.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

And I feel like there's a lot of this discussion that we're having is there's a lot of benefit for anyone to hear it.

Because some people have not gone through,

Like you being such a young person to have gone through the loss of your beloved wife who you adored.

It's not so usual,

Usually,

People experience that at a later point in life.

So it's really powerful as a lesson to see the power of the human spirit.

To endure this and to face it,

Like face it fully and to feel it and yet be left standing.

Yeah.

Hi,

Catherine.

I'm in New York.

Are you in the city?

In the city?

Yeah,

In Manhattan.

And it's been wonderfully quiet here at times over the last little while.

Yeah.

Absolute silence on Christmas Day and New Year's Day has been,

I like it this way.

It's funny because I love the energy of the city,

But I don't like all the people rushing around and making noise.

But one thing that is creating noise in my head is some of the relationships that I have with my family have really been put under strain because of COVID.

And I find myself,

I've had a lot of changes,

Like new relationship,

With myself and really trying to let go of my expectations of how my brother or how my mother or other family members should be treating me or what a relationship is meant to be like.

And I've been really trying to practice.

I know you talk about just letting yourself be and not to push the practice or not to push the absence of or the mindfulness or whatever.

And what I've been really trying to do is just like surrender to the flow of things,

I guess,

Surrender to what I've been trying to speak of as a higher power or a god or a guru or something like that.

Not to worry so much,

But it also feels that there's this urgency to make peace with people because we don't have a lot of time.

And I realize that now,

I had a lot of freedom before,

But now I don't.

And maybe I worry that I won't see my mom again or I won't see my brother again.

Or I won't see my brother again.

So it becomes more urgent to make peace and to find a place that I can surrender to allowing them to be and not telling them who to be.

But also I just have this real drive to be still connected.

Dr.

Anneke Vandenbroek Sure.

Yeah,

I understand this very well.

You have similar struggles.

And what was coming to say to you and what I say to myself is do your best.

You're working with two streams of needs.

One is to stay connected.

And the other is to try to navigate whatever stressful disconnects that are inherent in the relationship.

And with family,

Unlike with so many other types of relationships,

I always say you're just stuck with these people.

Even if you try to be estranged,

Because I've met people over the years who were estranged from one of their relatives,

Right,

Whether it's their father,

Their mother,

Their sibling,

Whatever.

But the thing is,

Those estrangements live large in your awareness.

And often,

What I would notice is that people would bring that issue to our sessions over and over again,

Because it's obviously living very,

Very big in their being so you don't get away with it,

You know,

So you've got to find some way find some way to navigate the keeping the connection.

And that may mean I'm a very big fan of finding the right amount of contact,

Having the right proportion of contact.

So sometimes,

If you're having too much contact,

It causes flare ups.

And you just got to find the sweet spot.

And there may not be a perfectly sweet spot,

Because there may be some types of chemistry you have with various of your relatives,

That always has a little bit of a strain in it,

You know,

But you just do your best to find the words that might be the most easy in flow.

And even if they don't,

It doesn't work out that way.

It might be that when you sense things are starting to get tense,

It's time to hang up,

And you make some graceful exit.

You know,

You just find your own ways of keeping the contact.

But I also caution people to not think that you have to be a victim of any kind of abuse,

Just because you're related.

So there's that,

You know,

If there's any kind of emotional abuse or being put down or being criticized for who you are,

How you live or any of those things,

Just because they're your relative doesn't mean that you have to put up with that.

And so again,

You find a graceful time to exit and you take a little break.

And it may be that the next time you speak,

They don't feel so much the need to have that conversation,

Especially if you've let some time go by.

And so it's there are different ways to play it and you find your own but it is something that I work with,

In particular with one of my relatives,

And yet I'm not at all willing to just sever that relationship,

It would be unthinkable.

But I do find it very difficult to navigate and,

And I'm constantly trying to find strategies.

And most of the time,

As soon as whatever difficult conversation is over,

Like by the next day,

I'm absolutely filled with love for that particular person.

And I have a lot more energy the next time,

You know,

I have more a little bit more patience,

Or I have given myself a good talking to as to how I can get through the conversation without too much struggle.

And if struggle starts to happen,

Then it's time to gracefully end.

So we have these fantasies,

One of our one of our struggles in life,

I think,

Is the disparity between how families should be and how many of them in fact,

Actually are,

And how what you understand as love and acceptance,

And that you that you think that your relatives at least,

At least those people should have it back at you,

Doesn't necessarily work out like that,

You know,

And how you should be considered at the same,

At least at the same level that you consider them,

But it doesn't often work out like that either,

You know,

I say all the time,

Be the one who's offering understanding,

Without expecting to be the one who's understood.

The more deep you go in this,

The more quiet you go,

The more quiet you go,

The more wise you become,

The thinner the crowd around you who can speak at your level.

So basically,

You find yourself and this is not to be putting yourself in any high horse,

But find yourself being the one who has to just understand almost like an older person or a parent to a child.

You're the one who's having the steady hand,

You're the one who's seeing the other person's limitations and fears and their behavior that ensues as a result.

You're the one having to kind of forgive their behavior towards you,

Etc.

Just that's how it goes,

The quieter and deeper you go.

That's actually across the board with everybody.

It's that you will often find yourself just shaking your head at how people are and knowing that's not how you're behaving to them.

But that kind of fairness was never guaranteed in this plan.

And it gets frustrating sometimes,

I know.

And I get caught by that too.

I like parody,

I like justice,

I like reciprocity,

I like all those things and I don't often get them.

But I have to live with that.

That's often the case.

Thank you.

You're welcome,

My dear.

So you know,

The pandemic,

I mean,

For me,

It's been a really mixed bag.

There's some very hard things about it.

And then there's some real gifts,

You know,

That you've been talking about,

That I've really started to really get in the groove with.

But I have a 19 year old daughter who is really struggling,

Right,

Like very seriously struggling right now.

And it's extremely scary and stressful.

She is at home right now.

So I have found that I really,

Really need to make sure I'm taking care of myself.

Yeah,

So that I have anything to do with it.

You know,

If I just let my,

You know,

It's very hard,

You know,

That saying,

A mother is only as well as her least well child or something like that.

That's how it feels.

So I could just go right down with her,

Into the land of,

You know,

Anxiety and depression.

But that's of no good to either of us.

So in a way,

The time that's here,

Which is hard for her,

Is good for me to delve into these self care things.

So I've just really been enjoying things like this.

There's a meditation group that's now gone online that,

You know,

Twice a week,

And then I've been doing it for a long time.

That,

You know,

Twice a week,

Meet with this group via Zoom and meditate,

Doing a lot of yoga and different yoga workshops and just whatever I can do to feed myself and nurture myself.

So I decided I was going to declare for myself 2021 the year of radical self care.

Because I feel like,

You know,

We probably all needed that last year,

But everybody was just trying to figure it out.

And so now we sort of caught up with what needs to happen to get through this,

I think,

Many of us.

And so now I feel like I'm in full implementation.

So I have to say the first thing I did on New Year's Day was take my girls up to a friend of mine is a dog breeder.

And she had a litter of puppies.

No.

So we went and saw,

Had little puppies crawl all over us for New Year's morning.

And it was the best way to start the day,

You know,

Just start the year,

You know,

Is all this,

That oxytocin,

You know,

Coming out of these little puppies licking your face.

And did you get one?

Did you get one?

Oh,

No,

We have enough things to take care of here.

But it was just for the looking.

But it's still such a really feel good moment.

I was talking to my daughter who's struggling so much about this idea that,

You know,

You can sort of let life happen to you and around you.

Or you can craft your life.

You can make your life a little bit more complicated than you can craft your life.

You can make very conscious choices about how you want to go about it.

And even just that day,

I was telling her I crafted the first day of 2021.

Yes.

You know,

Like,

We saw the puppies,

I had a massage,

I did a yoga and sound journey workshop.

So lovely.

And if we could sort of take that kind of intentionality,

You know,

Every day,

If we had that ability and that focus,

You know,

We can really then create what we need.

Yes.

We don't have to be just passive.

So it's so good that you're modeling for her,

That you're taking care of yourself,

You know,

At 19 years old,

And in this circumstance,

And all that the hormonal level that someone is dealing with at that age,

Combined with this time,

Which may seem very scary and very imprisoned,

Like for someone who's 19,

When you're just wanting to burst out at the seams.

It's a bit different for us who kind of like hanging around the house.

I've already done all that.

Yeah,

We got to do all that.

Yeah.

And,

You know,

It would have been like tying down wild horses for me at that age.

So I can understand.

But it's,

And so there's some level of it that probably you really can't have much influence or control over.

But what you can do is provide safe haven,

You know,

Good food,

And mom's doing all these cool things to make sure she feels okay,

You know,

And it keeps her own well filled with well being and joy and,

And keeping on.

So I think you're,

You're doing exactly what you can do and the best thing you can do.

So,

You know,

I guess the only other piece and I often say this to parents,

Is to,

As best you can not pathologize her state of mind or being in any way,

Just not to treat it as though it's some permanent state about her,

But just that she's in a hard moment,

A hard time right now.

And that you get that.

Yeah.

Good to see you,

My dear,

In your pajamas.

Love it.

I know it starts with me.

And I'm really asking in this new time,

How can I hear more of what to do or not to do,

Or not feel?

And then what you said earlier about the understanding and not being understood,

Something like that.

And the other thing that came to me is that we could,

I can always ask to understand and I don't think I can ever put myself in anyone else's shoes.

I can't.

Yeah.

Yeah,

You can't fully,

Of course,

You can't.

I mean,

But you can often sense that someone is having a hard time or has certain types of fears or you can sense,

You get clues,

You know,

We're very sensitive creatures.

We pick things up,

We pick things up on a kind of,

Do you know what mirror neurons are?

No,

It's almost like you're,

Well,

It's,

It's a theory anyway,

Neuroscience that your brain,

Your brain when you're with another person,

That certain types of neurons start mirroring each other in your brains.

And so there's a certain thing that when,

And we all know this experience that you might go into a room and let's say you would describe it as,

Wow,

That was a great vibe there,

Because you can sense the people in the room were kind of relaxed and maybe they're having fun.

It's a good vibe.

And on the other hand,

You can go into a place where there's a decidedly not good vibe,

Right?

And you can feel that too,

Because you're a sensitive creature.

You're picking up so many cues that you're not even perhaps conscious of.

You see it in dogs.

Some dogs,

Like there's some dogs who don't have any trouble with any other dog and they'll come upon one dog and suddenly there's a flare up.

They're like fighting and you know,

It might be a dog that doesn't get in any other fights,

But this one dog,

There's a trigger.

So we're creatures that have evolved to be very highly sensitive to the other creatures.

I agree.

Yes.

So even though you can't walk in somebody else's shoes,

But you can pick up all kinds of cues about their state of being.

It may not be dead accurate,

But you're getting enough information to know that this person seems depressed or they seem angry or they seem buoyant or joyous or they seem like they're hallucinating.

You pick up cues and that's a very strong protective mechanism for you.

And it's also a way that we get attracted.

We get attracted to certain people because we can feel a resonance.

We can feel,

I like to say it's like water into water.

You're just like,

Whoa,

Here's a blend.

Here's a nice blend.

Yeah.

This is where it got very smooth boundaries,

Like no boundaries.

These are the ways we fraternize in the world and all the more so with family,

Because we usually know their history so well and we can understand certain of their behavior based on what we actually do know of their conditioning or their history.

And the other thing I wanted to say is making new friends.

People have never read Pico Iyer.

He's an incredible soul and human being and I say he's become my best friend.

So I went to a book reading and told him he's my new best friend.

Yeah,

He's a brilliant writer.

He's a brilliant writer.

He and Leonard Cohen were very good friends.

Yeah,

Very close.

Very,

Very close.

Yeah,

It's how I can make new friends in many different ways.

Of course,

Then I was seeing people and being with people,

But the books,

The music,

This with you.

I mean,

I have so many sweet spots.

Well,

It's so great that you feel grateful for your life and all the wonderful things you've just listed.

And it's really a blessing for everybody to hear that,

Because every one of us has our own versions of that.

We each have our own delights in our lives and to our disadvantage and peril,

We ignore those things and fail to celebrate them.

And we think more about what's missing.

I mean,

It's madness,

Right?

But instead to flick it around and really just celebrate what's here and plenty is here.

Right?

I mean,

Sometimes I've had the thought I may not get to do a lot of the things that I was expecting I would get to do.

For instance,

Seeing my family again.

I live on the other side of the world from my family and my oldest friends.

All my oldest friends are all in America and a few in Europe.

Here I have new friends,

But as they say,

You can't have any new old friends.

So friends and family,

Oldest friends and family,

All on the other side of the world.

And I've always loved doing the retreats overseas,

Especially the retreat in Italy,

Which is like this heaven world that we go to.

Some of us on this call know it well.

And so I had all that on my little list of fun things to look forward to.

And truth is,

I may not get to do any of those things.

Who knows?

Really?

Who knows how this is all going to roll out?

And so I've many times said,

Okay,

What if this where I live now,

This home and this region,

What if this is it?

And I've bowed to that.

I've bowed to that and said,

Okay,

I can't fight with reality.

That's crazy.

So maybe this is it.

Now,

If that,

If things change and I get to do those other things,

I expect I will have a kind of gratitude for being able to do those things that will be much enhanced.

But if I don't get to do it,

Then I'm not going to denigrate the life that I have.

I want to take a page out of your book and just say,

This is the sweet spot.