Relationships - Communication With Tracy Brady

Relationships are very sacred. They are the mirror in which we have another opportunity to look at ourselves and our intentions become paramount. Our relationships are there to bring us closer to who we were created to be. Sometimes, in a relationship it’s not about the other person, it's about how we are feeling. And because there is a sense of risk involved when you first start taking care of yourself in a relationship it can be scary. Eventually, we need to be our authentic selves.

Transcript

Hi and welcome.

I'm Cassie,

Host of the Love and Healing podcast.

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Please welcome this week's special guest,

Psychotherapist,

Tracy Brady.

Hi Tracy Brady,

Welcome back to the podcast.

Thank you for having me.

It's good to be here.

Yes.

Well,

I love having you on and I feel like we have spent a good amount of time in and around the self and self love,

Self acceptance,

Inner child work.

We've talked a lot about those things and I want to move into more like once you feel solid and grounded within yourself,

We decide to venture into a relationship.

Just you saying once we feel solid and grounded within our self.

Oh yeah,

That's what we do.

We don't go into relationships till we're there,

But let's pretend.

Yeah,

Yeah,

Yeah.

Well,

Like I said,

We feel.

Exactly.

Exactly.

Right,

Right,

Right,

Right.

It kind of becomes,

I don't want to say challenging,

But maybe even a reminder that there's still a lot of work to be done in and around ourselves when we go into a relationship.

You know,

I always get on here and I'm sharing where I am.

Like when we talk about self love,

It's because that's where my brain goes and what I'm working on.

And so as I move into a relationship,

Which I'm in and have been for,

I don't know,

Seven,

Eight months now,

I go,

Oh wow,

There's like all kinds of stuff here that should be talked about.

So,

And I did talk with Richard and say,

Hey,

You know,

I'm going to be openly sharing my stuff.

Are you okay with that?

And he was like,

Absolutely.

It's your stuff.

So share away,

Which I love.

But one of the things as I'm like looking into relationship information is that the phases,

You know,

Of a relationship when it's new,

It's exciting,

You're in the honeymoon phase.

And then you slowly shift into,

Okay,

Real life hits and they're not perfect.

You're not perfect.

There's work to be done.

And communication,

I think,

Comes to mind first thing when I think about healthy relationship.

So let's talk a little bit about communication within a relationship,

Especially in the beginning,

We're coming in with our best selves.

We genuinely want to bring joy to that other person.

And then suddenly you go,

Whoa,

Whoa,

Whoa,

Whoa.

I'm starting to feel like I'm not being true to me.

Or that's how I go.

Because I spent all this time with myself,

And I'm comfortable.

And then I'm like,

How do I keep that as I'm diving into a relationship with someone I really like and care about and want to have them in my life,

But not lose me.

Wow.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

I know that you're happy about this relationship,

And I'm very happy for you.

And that one of the first things you talked about was phases of relationships.

And it sounds like you and you want to talk a little bit about noticing a shift between those phases,

Especially one going from what you called honeymoon and where you are,

You know,

Bringing your best self,

Trying to bring joy to the other person and to the relationship.

Certainly what we're trying to do then is we're trying to make sure they like us.

You know,

Because we like them,

We don't want to mess up.

And so,

Then once you start wondering,

Is this who I really am,

Or am I doing this for them,

And it's not really right for me or is it right for me.

Those can be questions that cause us to question whether or not the relationship is good for us.

The person is good for us because we we intuitively want to make sure that we are true to ourselves if we are in the place of,

As you said in the beginning where we are true and grounded in our own,

You know,

Know ourselves and all that so you know congratulations for people who are aware of that because that's not always something that we are aware of.

Feel those feelings of discomfort or anxiety but not be not,

But may not be sure why,

Or not go inside for those things we may blame the other person.

You know you're the one making me feel this way and therefore I'm going to leave,

Or it's not right for me or you're no good for me and certainly those are.

There are red flags I mean,

You know if there's,

There's physical abuse or things like that but one of the first things I would say is that awareness has to come first right.

It has to come first and so relationships are whether they're intimate couple type relationships or whether they are parent child or a good friend or coworker whatever.

They are all reflections for us to become more aware of ourselves.

So,

I don't believe that we are attracted to any relationship unless there's something for us to become more aware of so that we can be closer to who we were created to be.

Oh,

I like that.

So,

When you have these challenges,

That's why I think relationships are very sacred,

And I have been and known,

You know,

People and certainly been in my,

In my own experience where I have not been willing to see that as a,

As a challenge for me to go within as a reflection for me to go within and see what's happening.

I've,

You know,

Turned around said,

Ah,

You know,

I'm not putting this you know what that has been to my detriment.

You know,

It really has because I am always faced and I believe we're always faced with mirrors for us to have another opportunity to look at ourselves again.

Awareness is the first thing.

And then I think when we have a relationship,

Our intention becomes paramount.

You know when you say you are.

If you maybe wonder if you're being true to yourself.

I think you have to look at your intention and if something is not feeling authentic for you.

Rather than decide that it's the other person who's at fault,

Or who is an appreciative,

Or who is a jerk,

Or whatever.

You know,

First,

Give yourself the opportunity to go back and look at your own values.

First of all,

And ask yourself,

What is it that's important to me here,

And what is it that's important to them because now you're in a relationship.

And if you want to keep that relationship if you think it's still good for you,

Which I think probably is if it's,

You know,

If you've got love and you both are intending to put each other in a position where you care for and nurture each other in addition to the relationship,

It's wise to take the time to say what value is this affecting inside me and do you know,

Have I done my work on that.

I don't know if you have an example,

Or you could create an example.

But yeah,

What comes to mind is when we,

When we first started dating,

For me it was the,

Here's,

This is a quality about myself I love.

It's something I love and hate,

Is that I don't do anything kind of.

I'm like all in whatever I do.

Whether it's relationship,

A job,

And I have to remember to pull back and give time to me.

Like I take a,

When I'm by myself,

Not in a relationship is what I'm talking about.

I will take a whole day and lay on a couch and binge watch something and eat popcorn and whatever all day.

That's a recovery day.

And when you get into a relationship,

You're,

You're having so much fun.

It's not like I'm saying this is a negative.

You're having so much fun with the other person that all of a sudden you wake up and you're like,

Whoa,

Whoa,

Whoa.

What about me?

I need a day to do whatever the hell I want to do and taking it.

And I was aware enough that that's exactly what I did.

I just had a conversation and said,

Hey,

I'm in a place where I'm starting to feel that I'm not taking care of what I need to take care of.

So I'm just going to take a couple of days to myself and do what I need to do.

And what I love about Richard is he was totally open for that.

He's like,

Absolutely.

You have to take care of you.

I found that was for me,

That was like one of the first times I actually said,

Hey,

I'm feeling something and I shared it and it wasn't detrimental to myself or to the relationship.

It actually benefited me,

Richard,

And the relationship.

And I think,

Thank goodness,

I am at a place where I'm feeling confident to say what I'm starting to feel.

And I think a lot of people don't.

Okay,

So that's a great example,

Cassie.

You can kind of be,

I don't know,

You know,

We're animals,

And you know when we're hot and heavy,

It's like,

You know,

We don't want to come up for air much less eat.

But we can become addicted to that and that's okay because that's partly what bonds us you know those hormones and all that kind of stuff and it becomes a primary objective to mate to be with that person to,

You know,

All those kinds of things but then once you start coming.

I don't want to call it coming down off the honeymoon but rather coming back into reality.

Who in the world can or wants to sustain that level of intensity of emotion and physical and for,

I mean,

Especially as we get older,

Good Lord,

You know,

First thing I would say is that you know something you spoke about knowing yourself enough to know that you do pretty much everything at 100% you're either zero or 100 there's there's not a lot of in between there.

And so that may be something that you might want to look at.

But it's important for you that you get that and so you're honoring that because that's where you are and that you had developed a,

I don't want to say a habit but something that you took where you took care of that for yourself,

And whether or not that's how you want to continue to take care of that need for yourself is a,

You know,

That may change through the years but the most important part of that is that you did take care of it and you know how,

And you're aware of it.

But I do understand that sense that you talked about that,

You know,

If you didn't say it and he wasn't doing it,

He wasn't taking time away from you,

But rather,

It kind of felt like there was a competition within yourself about whether or not I take time for me and risk,

Because there's a risk involved when you first start taking care of yourself in a relationship right when you start coming down off of this,

Let me show you that I'm super person.

Superwoman superwoman done the same thing,

You know,

I can,

I can cook and spin plates on my feet.

And,

You know,

Sing songs and dance and be hot and sexy all while working and change the oil in the car look at me.

Eventually,

You get gas,

You need a break,

You know.

So,

You're tired of that right.

And that's that inner calling to be who we are,

And to have someone love us for who we are.

That is so important.

That's why,

Whether or not it seems like the right thing or the wrong thing or they're going to not like me or I really want to spend more time with them but I know I need to do this for myself.

Doing these things for yourself is important to know that you can count on yourself.

Number one,

That you,

You know that you're going to come through it's kind of like a parent saying you know you've been outside all day,

You've had no Kool Aid no water.

I know you're having a good time,

But you got to come in and take 30 minutes and get hydrated and pee and you know when you're a kid you don't want to stop playing.

Right.

But it's good for you.

And it gives you more energy and it gives you that balance that you need so that you can't go out and play again.

So there is that confidence in trusting that you're not doing anything to go against the relationship,

You know you're not you guys I'm sure you didn't take your day on a day that you guys had planned something major.

You know,

And in that way he is able to trust you that you'll take care of yourself and he doesn't have to worry about you know maybe he was sitting there watching you saying she is how did how does this woman do it,

You know,

And that's a false presentation.

Right,

Which it's okay because that's what we do we falsely present ourselves you know you present yourself in such a way that God who could resist you.

You know that if they do they're crazy,

Because I have presented by very very best self.

But this is,

You know,

This goes right along with that.

That shadow side of ourselves,

You know,

We're not perfect.

We're not,

I mean we are perfect but we're,

We're not always who we want to be.

Now we have our judgments,

And we have our pettiness.

One could present themselves as a very healthy,

Responsible,

You know,

Whatever,

But really,

You know you,

You don't even have the time take a shower or you're only doing it for because you're in a relationship now or something like that,

You're going to eventually go back to who you really are you're gonna have to.

Absolutely,

Absolutely.

So I think that that's,

You know,

Having integrity but going back to your value system.

You know what's important to you,

And that,

That can't change permanently really,

You know,

That just can't change and so that's why if you find someone that supports that for you.

That's awesome.

Yeah,

I do think communication,

I was married for 22 years,

And I think it was an amazing,

Blissful relationship for 22 years because we never really had any deep conversations.

We,

The communication piece was missing,

Which blissfully ignorant,

It just,

It worked for 22 years and then at some point,

It doesn't work anymore,

Because there is no communication.

And so,

For me,

I,

I really value the communication piece like that's really important to me in any and every relationship,

And yet,

It can be one of the most difficult pieces of a relationship,

Being able to communicate openly,

Honestly,

Without addedness or defensiveness.

So let's talk about the communication piece in a relationship and ways to communicate healthy and what I what I'm first thinking of is when you first enter a relationship,

Having a conversation about,

Like you said values,

What's important to you,

Do you have common interests you do you have common,

Whatever,

Or there are certain things you feel like we should be talking about in the beginning of a relationship that we may not be doing.

I think that actions do speak louder than words.

I don't say down the words because I'm a big communicator and I talk a lot.

And I enjoy listening to.

So the verbal is important.

That's,

You know,

But you can you can tell what's important to you it's kind of a shortcut by watching what you spend time on and your intentions and your milieu inside of yourself.

What approach,

Do I have to myself and my external world in general.

See another person's values by what they do,

What they spend time with how they spend their time,

What's a priority for them,

What their struggles are,

You know,

That kind of thing.

And so,

Whether or not we have conversations about those initially I think,

Going back to the honeymoon phase and want to be yourself.

I can make it sound pretty good.

You're going to need to watch me.

Right,

Over time.

That's why that old adage about you know,

Don't marry anybody that you haven't watched get really really sick.

Because we're at our most vulnerable.

When we're ill people have lives and sometimes you have enough money and sometimes you're,

You don't and sometimes you have your health and sometimes you don't and sometimes things are going your way politically or socially and sometimes they're not.

So,

That kind of gives you an idea of what you value,

You know.

But I think talking about it is kind of a,

I don't know if it's a waste of time but it's good to communicate don't get me wrong,

But I think the time to communicate is when you see something that you really like.

You were sick,

And I noticed that you still took the time to call your kids.

That made me get the idea that even when you may not feel up to it that you will call me,

It made me feel important.

You know that the people in your life,

Don't just go away because you have something to focus on that draws your attention or something like that,

Something that you can brag on somebody about and give them that affirmation that you see the goodness.

Because oftentimes we're so wired for the negative,

We're so wired to bring up stuff that bothers us that it can become unbalanced and we can,

I know I can look like a just,

You know,

I'm only finding bad things,

You know,

And that's not true it's just that I want to talk about the bad things,

You know,

But the good stuff it's just like yeah just kind of makes things wonderful but you don't focus on them so I think one of the things to talk about and communicate about is when you find something good,

And not just telling your partner or your child or whoever you're in the communication with the relationship with what you like.

But why,

And how it feels for you.

Because that is so important we need to know that we make a difference in our loved ones lives.

So,

That is one,

One thing I think is important to start a habit of doing.

Maybe before you go to bed,

Ask what brought you joy today.

You can learn a little bit about that person that way.

Now,

The other thing to do is if you do seek an inconsistencies in actions and words.

That's important.

But it may not be a time for World War Seven,

Right,

You know,

But it may be important enough for you to bring it up,

But I would be cautious in doing that because we can't change other people and other people.

We have no ability to do anything about anybody else you know we can raise the stakes,

We can threaten we can remove ourselves,

But those are those are things that we do not,

We don't impose change on other people.

So I would consider when you see something that bothers you.

When that honeymoon face starts to wane.

To let it be a reflection for you to go back into that self awareness and ask yourself what's going on,

Why is this bother me.

Is this something that I'm projecting into the future that's going to mean something along both you know that I'm creating this big story around.

You know,

Before you go and start harping on them to change something that's inconsistent with your values because truthfully I think one of the things that happens for us is that we connect with people who are complimentary to us.

That they're not necessarily on the same page that we offer each other a mirror to reflect back to ourselves to look at that mirror and say,

Oh,

What is it about me that I need to look at,

Except.

What are my triggers my perceptions my issues about this.

Because.

You may think that you're aware of all your stuff but if you get in a relationship you're going to be aware of a whole new level at a whole new level of what it is that is unhealed in you,

What it is that you like don't like how you're affected I mean it's just a huge big ol ball of twine.

That's for us to unravel,

You know,

That's not for them to unravel.

So,

Later on maybe,

You know,

Later on maybe you may have to have these conversations and we can have a conversation about how to bring up those differences and how to respectfully communicate those things.

I want to ask,

I see.

When you say you had no communication and it was blissful for 22 years.

Obviously,

Obviously you've had some communication,

Right,

You had a couple of kids.

But it's a blissful.

So,

For you.

And I'm guessing maybe your ex husband to you guys had an agreement where,

As long as there was no conflict.

You were okay.

So,

That would have to mean that you both acquiesced or turned,

Turned a blind eye or didn't use each other as mirrors or,

And,

And I wonder about the intimacy and that relationship,

You know if there was really this deep caring and understanding that can only come from coming together in conflict.

Yeah.

Yeah,

That's a great question you know I,

I've always felt like we were totally in love and connected.

But I really as I have done,

Like really reflected,

Even about myself.

It was like surface is the only way I can really describe it.

It was fun.

It was what I would consider loving,

We absolutely care deeply for each other and I still feel very connected to my ex husband we are very good friends and have a have a great relationship today we've been divorced about 19 years something like that.

But I really do think that that is why communication is so important to me today,

Because I feel like had I had the tools and knew how to communicate,

It would have been a deeper relationship.

And so,

Going forward.

That's really important to me is having a deep connection,

Being able to have conversations and not feel like it's that conflict thing that everyone tenses up when you even say the word.

That's I really want to be so comfortable in communication with the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with that it's,

It's okay to say things to be able to have those conversations about something that might be a little intense to talk about,

But I also want to be able to have conversations about what's going on in the relationship.

And I want to be able to have conversations about what's going on in the relationship.

And that's what's important to me.

And the thing I enjoy about my current relationship is that we have had conversations around this and that is important to him as well,

That it doesn't escalate,

Because in the beginning,

We did have like one or two little conversations that we had and we were all isolated.

And my go to in those moments is shut down,

Stop talking,

Pull away.

Right.

And I think I would say that's probably common for most people because we don't know how to deal with conflict,

Or we feel like someone's going to have these struggles to bring them back to a place where we could sit and have a conversation.

So it's sometimes I do feel like maybe it is not a bad thing to just pull away.

But we as we have further our relationship and been able to have conversations about those moments,

And neither one of us want conflict,

But we know that there's no way you're not going to have conflict.

We are human beings.

And we always get along.

And that is okay.

So you're,

You've come from a place of recognizing that,

Although your marriage was good,

And you enjoyed it and you had a great time and you felt it was mutually loving that it wasn't the kind of environment,

From your side or maybe your ex husband side,

Where you either have you felt comfortable,

Bringing up anything that might have been of difference.

But somehow you remarkably took care of it.

I don't know how in the world you did that without talking about it.

But I'm guessing there's probably a lot of swallowing things that you didn't want to swallow and he probably did the same so literally both sides.

And that,

You know,

That can that can breed a lot of resentment and,

And,

You know,

So congratulations on maintaining a loving relationship and,

You know,

Mutually respectful.

It sounds like you are in a relationship where that's not occurring that that you're actually in partnership with someone who is aware and comfortable with having those difficult conversations that,

And that both of you are kind of testing the waters to make sure that it's safe.

And that's fantastic,

Because it's like,

You know,

You want you're at the pool,

And you're not sure how deep it is but you watch other people go off the time before you know you're kind of like test the water make sure it's not too cold,

You know,

Make sure nobody's gonna laugh at you make sure you know because it's it's vulnerable to,

To speak and share how we how we think and how we feel and things that could be questioned and things that we know are not necessarily shared,

Maybe with someone else,

Coming from a place of understanding and awareness of your,

Of your own values and intentions about for yourself.

You know,

Just an example.

Maybe you're married and you've got a couple of kids and there's a safety issue with one of the children playing outside and you have to bring yourself to a place where,

What is it that it's going on here with me.

This is a safety issue for my child that I am responsible for it's not let me judge you as bad,

Or let me say that you're not you're ridiculous for not seeing it or anything like that.

You can come from a place that says,

I know that you care about our children.

They care about our children are safe their safety.

If you could help me understand how it's,

You know,

So I can feel like I'm doing my job of keeping my child safe.

I can be okay.

It's not about this so that I could be okay.

It's not about judging you that you're any other way.

This is,

This is a value that I have noticed in myself that I can either live with or can't live with.

And so often we are so trigger happy to number one not not see the good.

Hey,

You've made us a great home.

The kids have a place to play.

I'm so happy to share,

You know,

The,

The safety of our children with somebody who cares about them as much as I do,

Looking at all the good stuff but we're so trigger happy and trying to protect what we think is our own risk or something's going to happen to us down the line or something we we lose our sense of overall picture,

And we get so narrow focused and our brains just go crazy.

But what we truly truly want and if you can remember the intention to bring a sense and an environment of loving care as much as you can.

I feel like a hypocrite saying this because I'm,

I just don't do it well,

But if you can bring a sense of loving care and an environment of holding this relationship and in a safe and nurturing space,

No matter what you talk about.

Then I think you can move,

Move through these things with ease and deepen that connection to where you can become intimate more into into intimacy is into me see.

So,

You go into myself and see which is vulnerable,

But that bonds us that really bonds us coming together at those places of our difference and allowing us to see as a mirror,

See the other person and their perspective as a mirror for ourselves to bounce back and become more aware of ourselves more in tune with what our values are.

What is my responsibility here,

What is not my responsibility here,

How am I asking you to change so I can feel better when it's really my job to do that more silence I think is good,

More listening on both,

Both parts but we can get into more of the tools and tactics and other time.

Yeah,

Absolutely.

A couple of things that I just want to circle back to that you said that I love and really want to drive home is the vulnerability piece that is hard to do,

And be open and put yourself out there and be vulnerable,

But it's such a wonderful thing when you can do it.

I love the mirror analogy to like it really is that person in front of you is just reflecting back something that you may need to spend some time with.

And then being aware,

You have to be aware of what's triggering for you and not react.

And we get so used to like you said we get so used to the reaction,

Going to the negative.

I think those are three really solid things that you take away anything from this conversation today in communication.

I think those are vital in the coming from a place of love.

There's certainly a mystery,

When we are in touch with our own vulnerability and ground ourselves enough to open a safe place for another person's vulnerability to be.

But there's a beautiful mystery in that which is an alluring place for humans,

And I think we can touch the void with that and it's,

It's amazing and so not running from it permanently is probably a real important thing to do but to recognize that I may need some space and you can always say that,

You know,

This is this I've noticed I'm getting a little upset here or I'm wanting to run away or I'm wanting to shut down and I don't want to do that.

But I'm going to need some time to think about this and then can we come back to this,

I'll let you know,

You know,

I may need a day or two,

Or an hour or two whatever.

What you know what you brought up is important,

But I'm going to need some time to consider my own thoughts and feelings and values before I can bring myself authentically to this and give it the attention that it deserves.

Absolutely.

And that is so important.

I think,

Being able to say that,

And be secure that it's not going to hurt the relationship it's actually going to help.

And if it doesn't or that other person reacts in a negative way,

I think that's also a sign and a whole different conversation.

And we'll talk about that I do for everybody out there,

I really Tracy and I've been talking that we want to do quite a bit around relationships because we,

We have spent a lot of time on the self piece,

And the self will always show up in relationships.

And so I think it's important to kind of dive into the self in a relationship,

And how we react.

So,

We're going to be spending a lot of time having conversations in and around relationships,

Communication.

So,

Join us again Tracy Thank you so much for coming on and starting this section on relationships.

Thank you Kathy.

Absolutely.

To all of you,

Thank you for tuning in,

Listening,

Watching,

Stay safe,

And we will see you soon.

Reviews

This conversation about communication was both insightful about interpersonal relationships and also helpful for internal reflection and improved self awareness. I loved the part about being attracted to those who complement us and act as a mirror.

Great conversation, thank you and Namaste