Manage Your Anxiety With Therapist Amber Benziger

There are 40+ million people that have a diagnosis of anxiety disorder. You can learn to manage it by identifying it, acknowledging it, and then getting grounded and connected with yourself. Once you are back in your body, you can challenge your negative thinking and then reframe the thoughts into something more realistic.

Transcript

Hi,

I'm Cassie,

Host of the Curiosity Junkie Podcast.

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Today's guest is a licensed professional counselor and a certified clinical trauma professional.

Her goals are to create an environment for women to explore,

Process their feelings,

And heal while growing in self-compassion and self-worth.

Please welcome Amber Benziger.

Hi,

Amber.

Welcome to the Curiosity Junkie Podcast.

How are you?

I'm so well.

Thank you so much for having me.

I'm excited.

Yes,

Me too.

Anxiety is what we're going to be talking about today.

And it's something I think I have dealt with all my life.

And I would imagine almost every human on this planet deals with it in some way,

Sometime or another.

Absolutely.

I think what we don't realize is anxiety is this inherent thing that we all have.

And as much as I feel like that's the first question that anybody ever asked me,

How do I get rid of it?

It's like,

You can't get rid of it.

We all have it.

It's this natural response.

I know people don't like that answer,

But you have to think about it as it keeps us safe.

We don't want to smoke alarm,

Right?

Like if something happens,

We want to be,

If we're getting too close to the edge of a cliff,

We want our body to notify us like,

Hey girl,

Back up.

So,

You know,

That's,

That's like the good part about it.

It's when we kind of allow it to over,

You know,

Take and control our life.

And we think that everything is a threat is where it gets a little dicey and we need to start taking a step back and take a look at how to manage it.

Yes,

Absolutely.

So for anyone who may not be clear on what anxiety is and some of the,

Some of the symptoms that would I hope somebody identify,

Maybe they're struggling with some anxiety.

Yeah.

So I think a lot of times,

You know,

We think of anxiety as those overwhelming negative thoughts,

Which it definitely can be.

I think that's how it manifests for a lot of people.

That's how it manifests for me,

But it can also come in a very physical way.

You can have stomach aches or a lot of headaches or you know,

Trembling and shaking and not wanting to go in social settings,

Avoiding.

So it really depends on kind of what triggers your anxiety for what symptoms show up.

So it's really important to listen to your body when something doesn't quite feel right or something's off.

Like what is your body trying to tell you?

Is it more about the triggers or is there,

Are there different kinds of anxiety?

Yeah.

So there,

There are so again,

Everybody has,

You know,

Anxiety it's what kind of keeps us safe,

But then there are different anxiety disorders,

Which you see like generalized anxiety,

Which is very common where you're just like that overwhelming anxious,

Like negative feeling.

Then there's like social anxiety where maybe you're afraid of doing public speaking type things or going to parties or social settings.

Then there's panic disorder where you're getting a lot of those physical symptoms where it could feel like,

Oh my gosh,

Am I having a heart attack?

Like I can't breathe.

So there's that,

Then there's tons of different phobias,

You know,

Arachnophobia,

Where we're afraid of spiders or the spread of heights or things like that.

So those types of phobias are considered under the anxiety umbrella.

I did not know that.

Yeah.

Obsessive compulsive disorder.

So yeah,

Anxiety,

You know,

Shows up in many forms if we want to use that umbrella term.

Okay.

Okay.

So it's,

It's a much broader topic than just having like panic attacks or what I consider anxiety.

What I've lived with is just like on high alert 24 seven,

You're just like,

And you feel like you're kind of running.

I got to stay ahead of it,

Whatever it is,

But I got to stay ahead of it.

Yeah.

Like your brain is like telling you like there's something wrong.

I'm like that hypervigilance.

Yeah.

That's definitely anxiety.

And that's like I said,

That's how it shows up for you.

But it might not show up like that for other people.

So yeah,

It's definitely more encompassing,

I think,

Than people think.

But I think when we talk about anxiety in that like general term,

We're mostly talking about that,

Like overwhelming ruminating thoughts,

You know,

Like,

How can we shut that down?

I think that's what a lot of people think about.

And that's what a lot of people face.

And they might not even know that that's anxiety.

Because there is that difference between like anxiety attack and panic attack.

I think people kind of use them interchangeably.

Right.

But there is a little bit of a difference.

Okay.

So like,

What's the main difference there?

So yeah,

So the main difference is anxiety attack is really when we're in our head,

Right?

It's where it's kind of like that hypervigilance of like,

Something's wrong,

But like,

We don't know what it is.

And it's,

It's just like,

Very overwhelming.

And it's very,

Like negative in nature and just kind of like about attacking where panic attack is like,

Always physical in nature.

It's where it could kind of just come out of the blue,

It like hits us very quickly.

And we feel like those chest pains,

Or we can't breathe.

So it's always very physical in nature,

Where anxiety attack is usually brought on by some type of trigger,

Like,

Maybe your boss is like,

We have to have a meeting at two o'clock and doesn't tell you what it is about.

And you're just like,

Thinking about it over and over again,

Right?

But once the meeting is over,

The anxiety attack kind of goes away,

Like,

You're not thinking about that where panic attack is like very physical.

Hmm.

Okay.

Okay.

Yes,

I can relate to both of them.

And it's great that you brought up work because I think that's where most of us kind of end up generating anxiety that stays with us probably all day.

We're either thinking about what can go wrong at work,

What we have to do by the end of the day,

Da da da da da.

It just kind of builds.

So I would ask for most people experience it.

Absolutely.

I think work stress is a big one,

Like just,

You know,

Work stress,

Relationship stress that kind of just builds upon each other.

And then it just becomes Yeah,

This is like overwhelming thing.

And especially as human beings,

And when it comes to anxiety,

We like to be in control,

Right?

And at work,

It can be very difficult because we're dealing with so many different people and personalities and bosses and management.

So that can be stressful because we can't control it.

What are they thinking or what are they going to say?

That can be very anxiety provoking.

Yeah.

Okay,

Control.

I hadn't even thought about that.

But I would imagine that is a big piece of we tend to want to control everything in our world.

And we can't.

I mean,

It's impossible.

We don't control other people.

We aren't really in control of most situations.

Right?

So yeah,

We want that certainty.

We want that control all the time.

And I think especially in 2020 taught us like,

Did we have a lot of control?

Like,

Not really.

So I think it's like,

Really,

I feel like I have to constantly ask myself,

Like,

I'm a mom,

And I own a few businesses.

So it's like,

What do I have control over?

Like,

What can I what can I really control and how I can,

What I control is how I show up,

And how I react to something,

Right?

Like,

I can't,

Even as much as I would like to control my five year old,

Like,

I can't,

He has a mind of his own,

He's going to do what he wants to do.

So it's kind of like,

Well,

What can I do?

I can support him,

I can guide him,

Like,

What do I have control over to kind of calm my nerves and my anxiety when I'm in certain situations?

Yeah.

So let's dive in a little bit to what,

What are some things we can do to,

I know we can't eliminate anxiety,

It's just going to happen.

But maybe help us understand,

How can we start identifying we're being triggered?

Because it doesn't,

You don't just go,

Oh,

I'm anxious.

Let me turn that off.

It doesn't happen like that.

I know it's quite a process.

So help us with a little bit of a process there.

Yeah,

Absolutely.

So I always say,

If we want to move through it,

You don't want to run from it.

I think that's the biggest thing.

When it comes to feeling uncomfortable or overwhelmed,

Our initial response is like,

Wait,

Like,

Let's get out of there.

Right.

Or let's like distract.

That sounds good in theory,

But long-term or even pretty short term,

It's going to come back.

You know,

You're going to be more anxious because like it didn't go away.

Right.

Or it's going to show up in a different form.

Like you're going to feel sick,

You're going to have a headache.

So it's going to come out.

So I would say like,

Don't avoid it.

Really get curious,

Adopting that curiosity mindset when you have anxiety is going to be so pivotal and changing.

Cause it's really like asking yourself like,

What's up,

What's going on?

And and,

And identify.

And it kind of like you said,

Like,

This is my anxiety.

Like it's not me,

Right?

Like I'm not crazy or something's wrong with me.

Like,

No,

I'm anxious right now.

So like,

What's that about?

Cause like our feelings,

They're not always factual,

But they are clues of like,

We might need something.

Maybe we're overworking ourselves and we're burnt out.

We need to take a step back and that's,

What's causing us to be anxious.

Maybe we need some connection or maybe we need some space from the people that we're connecting with.

So really just saving back and being like,

Hey,

What's going on?

And then identify that this is anxiety and then challenging it,

You know,

In those situations where,

Oh my gosh,

Is that person talking about me or is my boss going to fire me?

Cause he called me into that meeting at two o'clock,

You know,

Challenging that,

Like,

Is that true?

Have I been doing everything that I'm supposed to be doing?

Yes.

Like usually when we,

When we stop and we really ask ourselves,

Like we realize that,

No,

This is just a negative thought that's kind of flooding in.

So really stopping and taking that moment and challenging it and then reframing it for yourself.

Like,

You know,

I'm doing the best that I can.

I I'm working really hard or,

You know,

Whatever it is in that situation,

Kind of reframing that negative thought.

And then I think a really pivotal part that we don't talk about enough is that acceptance piece,

Which is not always easy,

But like accepting that this is the situation.

Like,

Like I said about control,

This is what I can control.

This is what I can do.

You know,

We might not like it,

Right.

We might not like that,

You know,

Our child drew on the wall or whatever,

But what can I control right in this moment?

I can,

You know,

Say like,

These are the consequences and you know,

This is what's going to happen next.

Like that's what I can control.

And that's going to really help you get in,

In front of it.

And so that anxiety isn't the leader.

Hmm.

Well,

I like that.

And I do think it's important to kind of realize that it's happening and that it's most likely a story you're telling yourself,

Creating some unrealistic.

So kind of asking that question,

Is this really happening or,

You know,

What is this about?

I like that a lot.

Yeah,

Really good.

Yeah.

It's good changing that narrative for yourself,

Right?

Cause we can go on and on with those negative narratives and we're thinking about things and we're way over here when we're like,

It's,

What is that really true at all?

Like where it even started to really stopping it when you feel it coming on,

Like you feel that spiral,

You feel yourself getting caught up,

Be like,

Hold on a second.

This is my anxiety.

What's going on.

Yes.

I I have found that for me,

And I don't know about everybody else,

Anxiety shows up typically in two places,

Work,

Anything around work,

Even,

Even my podcast,

I get some anxiety there too.

And then relationships.

And I'm not talking just,

You know,

Like intimate,

But family and friendship relationships.

Sometimes I can have that I'm overthinking about something that isn't even going to happen.

Absolutely.

Especially when other people are involved because then we try to figure out like,

Well,

What are they going to do?

What are they thinking?

And like that we can't,

But I think it comes back to that acceptance piece of like,

Okay,

I can't control that,

But I can ask,

You know,

Try to being more direct.

And especially when it comes to like work too,

And family,

Like having those boundaries for yourself of just,

Is this true?

Is this worth asking?

Like,

What's my intention here?

Why,

Why am I thinking this?

Like how can I just kind of nip this in the bud?

Because I think we get scared.

We're like,

Oh,

Should we ask?

Or should we say that?

Like,

What kind of,

I feel like I was outweigh it,

Like,

This feels terrible sitting in it and thinking that this is what they thought versus like asking them and dealing with whatever comes in that time.

And it's usually not what I think like 98% of the time that person wasn't angry or wasn't upset or wasn't thinking what I thought.

So like,

If you kind of teach yourself,

It's really retraining your brain,

Right?

Like training yourself to,

You know,

Not listen to the negativity and,

And follow through with that more rational thought.

And isn't that interesting that it's almost are those thoughts almost always go to a negative outcome?

Why not a positive outcome?

Right?

So like,

That's like retraining ourselves.

And I think that comes from,

I would say,

Like,

We have these like core beliefs,

Right?

That's,

Did you ever see that movie,

That Disney movie where they talk about like those core memories or whatever inside out?

Yes.

Right.

Where it's like,

You take these things that happen to you and you hold onto them for like a long time,

Even if it's like throwing up,

You have like an anxious mom.

So now you're like,

Wait,

Is that right?

Is this true?

Cause like you grew up with that,

Or,

You know,

If you had maybe a bad experience with a childhood friend now,

An adult friendships,

You could be like questioning,

Like,

Are people being honest with me?

So like we take those and we build these core beliefs and then we take them into different situations that might not be true.

We have to like retrain ourselves.

That doesn't always have to default to that negative experience or that negative thought or feeling.

I had a conversation with a gal and she said that the brain is always thinking and pulling past memories because it's trying to protect you 24 seven.

It's trying to protect you.

That's not always your friend,

But it is trying to protect.

We get so mad at it,

But it is,

It is trying to say like,

Wait,

Wait,

This could be dangerous.

Don't do it.

Like,

You know,

Asking somebody if they're mad,

You don't know,

Don't ask them,

Just avoid it.

But is that really helpful?

Like,

Is that really true?

You know,

I think our,

Our brain has built that safe.

It's like that it's anxiety.

It's that safety mechanism of like,

Wait,

Don't do that.

That could be dangerous.

That could hurt your feelings.

That could upset you.

And you don't want to feel those negative feelings.

So you avoid them.

Yeah.

Yeah,

Absolutely.

I wrote down while you were talking,

You said,

I can't control it,

But I can ask.

Yeah.

Like that.

If you could just kind of keep that in your head and that when you're starting to feel that,

Okay,

Obviously I can't control this because I'm having these thoughts about it,

But I can start asking questions.

Ooh,

I really liked that.

That's a great one.

Yeah,

No,

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Not only you can ask like somebody else,

But you also ask yourself like really get curious.

I always say like,

That's my,

My go-to like,

Okay,

What's going on?

Like,

What do I need?

And usually I've worked myself to,

You know,

And so I need to take a step back because that's when I feel at the most,

Like everything becomes like anxious or irritable or like frustrating.

And I'm like,

Oh,

I know that I need to take a step back and calm down.

Yes.

I love that you said you know,

Get curious because I really think curiosity is like a superpower.

If you start questioning things,

You start learning,

You start understanding it's amazing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And you start to build this relationship with yourself and start to trust yourself.

Right.

Cause I feel like so many of us don't,

When we really think about it,

We like question everything that we're doing or everything that's going on.

So you start to really get this understanding with yourself and like,

Oh,

I'm feeling this.

My body's feeling this way.

I must need this.

Like you have this better connection with yourself.

Yes.

That's so important.

And that's a big piece,

I think of really the self-acceptance it's that becoming self-aware self-acceptance self-love when you really build a relationship with yourself,

It's so important.

It's so hard to do.

It is.

And especially when you're an anxious person,

Cause you second guess everything that you're doing is,

You know,

We get that imposter syndrome and all those things start playing in and it's like,

Oh,

So like really learning how to like trust yourself and your needs and being okay with like,

Hey,

I need this and that's okay for me.

Yes.

And that's hard because a lot of us grow up with it's about everybody else,

Not about yourself.

And so you want to put everybody first.

And when you try to put yourself first,

You go,

Why does this feel so guilty?

Yeah.

That makes me anxious.

Vicious cycle,

Right?

Yes.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

And it is,

I love that you use that word cycle because it really is like,

You're just kind of moving through it and slowly,

You know,

Slowly adopting these changes in these behaviors.

And sometimes you will slide back and that's okay.

It's just getting right back on,

You know what I mean?

And learning how to manage it.

And as you do it more and more,

It becomes,

That becomes more of the habit.

It will become less negative,

Will become more positive,

You know?

So it's just,

It takes practice.

Yes.

Yes,

It does.

So let's talk a little bit about,

Are there any exercises that we can do to kind of help?

I know breathing exercises are beneficial.

Yeah.

Do you have anything you recommend?

Yeah.

So breathing exercises can be great,

But when you're in those like heightened states of panic,

I'm always like stay away because then you're usually like hyperventilating because you're,

You're trying to breathe through the panic and it's sometimes it doesn't work.

So I'm really big proponent of grounding techniques.

So really just like coming back into yourself and your own body.

Cause when you're really like hypervigilant or you're in a panic or a distress or like overwhelmed,

You're all over the place.

Right.

And you're just stuck on that thought.

So trying to get yourself out of that thought so you can question it.

So doing things like changing your scenery,

If you're inside at your desk,

Go outside at work,

You know,

Changing your scenery.

Changing temperature,

You know,

Go into the bathroom,

Run your hands under some cold water,

Grab an ice cube.

Cause then you're going to focus on that.

Like,

Oh,

That's super cold.

And you're not going to be thinking about that negative thought.

Right.

And then you'll be able to be like,

Oh,

Okay,

Let me stop and question it.

And you'll have more control like sour candies or like fireball candies are really helpful too.

And you're super anxious again,

Getting you out of your thought cycle and into like,

Oh my God,

That's really hot.

Or that tastes sour smelling things like a central oils are really great.

Music is really great.

I have a playlist for all moods.

Like I'm super anxious if I'm sad and I need to cry it out.

Like cause like music is so invigorating to our mood.

Right?

Yes.

Yeah.

It's really helpful.

Yeah.

My daughter and I were just talking about music and the power of it and how important it is to,

To pay attention.

Sometimes if you're just listening and you're not really paying attention to what music you're taking in,

It can almost cause you to be depressed.

There's a lot of like,

Well,

It was me music.

Yeah.

No,

It can change your mood completely.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

So those,

Those are all great tips.

I hope that some,

Somebody picks up a couple of those and I'm thinking of the grounding piece.

And as you were describing some of those steps,

It's,

It's almost like bringing you back to right here and now like snap out of your spiral thinking,

Come back to right here and redirect.

The thinking basically.

Yeah.

And then,

Then you can start going through those steps of like,

Challenging it,

Wait a second.

What was,

What was,

Was that really true?

Like,

Does that person really hate me or am I going to get fired?

And then,

You know,

Reframing it,

Because it's really about that too,

Like taking that negative thought and reframing that to something more realistic.

Like,

You know,

I am trying my best or,

You know,

I make mistakes,

You know,

Something more realistic and not that negative thought spiral.

So being able to do that.

So not just using those techniques and then like avoiding it.

Okay.

Like now I calm down,

Like,

No,

Then checking back in with yourself and getting curious,

But using those techniques to bring you back,

Right.

Like you said,

To the here and now to the present.

Yeah.

Okay.

Very cool.

And I liked that you threw in some,

Like the,

The taste thing,

You know,

The,

The cold with the ice and you're pretty like,

Ooh,

Okay.

Hang on.

Yeah.

It really is.

Cause it's really about invigorating all of those senses,

Right?

Like we can do that.

Even if you don't have anything just like going into that,

I would say like the happy place in your head,

If I'm really overwhelmed,

I will like picture myself at the beach and I'll think like,

What does it sound like?

I'll hear the waves.

I'll smell the ocean.

Like,

Cause then I'm really connecting with my senses and bringing back my control over my body instead of the anxiety controlling how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking.

Yes.

That's beautiful and wonderful.

So are there foods that we eat that can trigger anxieties?

Is that a thing?

So it is a thing.

I mean,

There,

Everybody has different triggers.

So if there was like a past time where maybe you were eating something and it was like anxious or traumatic moment,

If you go back to that,

That could make you think of whatever happened in that moment.

But then there's also like caffeine is huge.

I know I love Starbucks and I love my coffee.

But I,

I know that like,

I cannot have like a super large one or I can't have it every day because caffeine is really triggering.

Cause if you think about it,

It's,

It's causing all of those like physical symptoms that anxiety can cause like that,

Like get up and go that test.

So if you're super anxious and you have that,

It's just ramping it up.

So a lot of times you will see a decrease in anxiety if you decrease or cut back caffeine.

And I know that can be like traumatic to hear for people.

But yeah,

That can definitely be it.

So definitely taking,

Taking note of like your caffeine intake.

Okay.

Which yes,

Makes perfect sense,

But I'd never really thought about the connection between those two.

Hmm.

Interesting.

Well,

Let's talk a little bit about you and how the audience can connect with you.

I found you on Instagram and I love the message that you put out.

So I reached out and said,

Okay,

I got to talk to you.

I love what you're doing.

And then I also want to dive into your anxiety lab.

I believe that's the name of it.

Yeah.

Anxiety lab.

Yeah.

So I'm a therapist and I've been doing that for,

Wow,

10 plus years.

And I,

Yeah,

I do have my Instagram and reverse anxiety where I post a lot about anxiety and mental health content.

And I'm really open about,

You know,

My story too.

You know,

I struggle with anxiety for a large portion of my life.

That's why I'm so passionate about talking about it and helping women specifically with anxiety.

And during the pandemic I got cut off from a lot of my coping strategies,

Like going to the gym and my normal routines and things like that,

That were,

You know,

Kind of helping me keep my anxiety in check.

And I was like,

This is not good.

So,

And my office phone was ringing off the hook and I wasn't able to help all the people that I wanted to my office.

It was just me.

So I was like,

How can I create something where I can connect with women and I can help them work through their anxiety and kind of identify their triggers and make their own coping toolbox is kind of what I call it.

And so I created the anxiety lab and it's been a really,

It's like my passion project.

You know,

So it's,

I have like a course that I created there.

We have a closed community there.

I bring in experts in the field.

A lot of my therapist friends and coaches will come in and teach workshops.

I do a Q and A.

So it's just a really cool membership to come and be supported and then really get some tools to help you manage and learn how to cope with your anxiety.

Yeah.

So how does somebody find that and get connected with it?

Cause I think that's a great thing to have in place because there are a lot of people that can't really afford therapy,

But having something specific when you know you're anxious or you're struggling to manage anxiety,

What a great opportunity.

And I know it's low cost.

Yeah.

So that was one of the things too.

Really I wish everybody had the ability to get therapy because I love therapy,

But it's just not,

Unfortunately it should be.

So I wanted to make sure that it was cost-effective.

So it's not therapy.

It is more of like an educational piece with like a coaching aspect.

So I always want to be clear about that,

But it is a way,

Like you said,

To really gain some skills and knowledge on how to deal with,

Manage your anxiety,

But you can find more about it at my website,

The anxiety lab.

Com.

You can also message me or DM me on my Instagram and reverse anxiety.

I love talking about it.

So yeah,

It's a good way.

Yeah.

And I do love that you share your personal story and you talk about going to therapy a lot on your life.

I think that's so powerful because there's such a stigmatism.

I think around somebody saying they go to therapy.

It doesn't mean you're crazy.

It means you're brave and you're asking for help.

It's a beautiful thing.

I always say like,

Let's be proactive instead of reactive.

Like we don't always have to go to therapy when we're on fire.

Right.

We can go to therapy just because we're like,

Hey,

I just want to make sure that I'm having somebody that reach out to or some skills or just checking in or an hour to talk about myself when I have kids and I'm a therapist.

Yes.

I love that feeling just having that person.

That's really there to support you.

It's such a cool aspect.

And I think it's really important as,

As therapists and as a helping community to share openly,

Like I would never ask someone to do something that I wasn't willing to do.

So why would I not say that I go to therapy or been to therapy or whatever it is?

So it's really important.

I think for me to talk about that.

Absolutely.

What what parting message would you have for anyone listening with anxiety,

Anything you'd like to leave the audience with?

Absolutely.

I mean,

There is 40 plus million people that have like just a diagnosed anxiety disorder.

So think about how many people are struggling with anxiety.

So if you feel anxious,

You are not alone.

But you can manage it.

I know it's sometimes it seems really daunting and like debilitating,

But I know that you can do it.

So reach out for help and get curious.

I love that.

That fits perfectly with my little podcast.

Well Amber,

It has been such a pleasure learning from you today.

Thank you so much for coming on.

Thank you so much for having me.

I had a lot of fun.

Thank you.

Awesome.

And to all of you out there,

Thank you for tuning in,

Listening,

Watching,

Stay safe,

Stay curious,

And I'll see you next week.

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Reviews

Very interesting! Thank you!