You Can’t Control Everything — But You Can Control Yourself

We try to control everything — our partners, our friends and family, our circumstances, sometimes even the weather — yet resist the one kind of control that actually changes our lives: taking responsibility for ourselves. In this episode, we explore the deeper reasons we avoid self-responsibility and how reclaiming our inner power leads to true peace, freedom and growth.

If you liked this episode, please join the conversation in the Wild Free Well Space here on Insight Timer!

Transcript

Hello!

In case we haven't met before,

My name is Alacia and you are listening to the Wild Freewell podcast.

And I am really excited to have this chat with you today.

Like I am most weeks when I do this,

Honestly.

But today especially.

Today especially and the next episode I think especially as well.

Because I have been having some very interesting conversations with clients lately.

And it's just been really.

.

.

I don't know how to explain it to you.

When you're having a conversation with someone and they say something to you.

And I don't know if you've ever had this experience.

But someone says something to you and you just know in your gut that the thing that they have said is complete and total bullshit.

I don't know if you have that experience.

I don't know if you've ever been in that position.

But lately I have been having conversations where I am just like,

No.

Someone will say something to me,

In this case it's clients,

And I'm not calling what they said bullshit.

But because everyone's lived experience is real and it's true for them.

But we need to unpack this.

We have to.

We absolutely have to.

So I have been talking to clients a lot lately about wanting to feel in control.

Wanting to feel in control of their lives.

Wanting to feel in control of the way that they move in the world.

Wanting to feel in control of what is kind of going on around them.

And it is such an interesting conversation.

Because by having this conversation with multiple clients,

And it's hilarious too.

I will just as a side note say that when one client is working on something,

Somehow this ends up coming out for multiple people.

So I have been having the same conversation with different clients.

And it's not exactly the same,

But it's shades of the same conversation.

And one of the conversations,

Sorry my eye is like watering quite badly.

One of the conversations I have been having with clients is about control.

And it is so funny because having these conversations has made me realize something very interesting about our desire to be in control.

Now,

Before we dive into this conversation,

I am going to just kind of take a little segue for a second to talk about something that is connected to this conversation.

When we are talking about a desire to be in control,

We can never fully remove ourselves from the socio-economic,

Political position and situation that we find ourselves in.

What I mean by that is sometimes when the world feels crazy,

When things feel big or scary or out of control,

Or there's a lot happening globally,

It's really,

Really important to acknowledge that that is having an impact on us whether we like it or not.

We can minimize the impact.

We can work with these things,

Right?

We can be in control of our mindsets and of the way that we show up and take care of ourselves to minimize the impact that these things have on us.

But if there is a bit of collective chaos,

Then it is normal that that is maybe affecting our own auras or our own energies,

Okay?

So when we see this spike in desire to be in control of our lives,

And right now I would say that within my clients I'm seeing that there is like an upwards trend of clients being like,

Well,

I just need to be in control of something.

We can never remove ourselves from the system and from the situations that we find ourselves in.

Most of us,

As far as I'm aware,

If you are listening to this,

We are living in the system.

We are within a system.

We are within a government.

We are within a political system.

We are within a financial system.

We are within a,

You know,

Educational system or whatever it might be,

Okay?

A work system or a workforce.

So we can never fully remove those things from the conversation because,

Of course,

They are having some kind of impact,

Okay?

But they are not the whole story.

And in any case,

There are still things that we can do in order to feel better.

But what I have noticed in having these conversations with clients is that we tend to collectively want to be in control of everything,

Especially when there is a lot of chaos,

Turmoil,

Or maybe like unease in our external environments.

We tend to want to be even more in control.

So we want to be in control of our friends,

Our families,

Our partners.

We want to control bus schedules and train schedules,

And we want to even control the weather sometimes.

But we have absolutely no interest in taking control over the things that we actually have control over.

Isn't that interesting?

And we are always approaching these conversations with a massive amount of curiosity,

Right?

Isn't that interesting?

Isn't it interesting that we would rather control everyone and everything and all of our external circumstances and external environments,

But we have very little desire to take action on the only thing that we actually have control over,

Which is us?

Why?

We talked about this in the last episode.

I feel like this is almost like an evolution of that same episode to an extent.

But the reason why we don't want to do that is because we are afraid of taking responsibility for ourselves.

Because if we take responsibility,

It means that there is no one to blame but ourselves for the situation that we find ourselves in,

Which is relative,

Okay?

Because obviously we had a conversation about the external systems that we find ourselves in and how they may be having an impact.

But there's still,

We are in control of our internal world,

And we need to be doing things about that,

Right?

Okay,

So there's that.

And number two,

Because if we do take responsibility for these situations,

It means that no one is coming to save us.

And so we need to,

As I have said more in the past actually than recently to clients,

But we need to kind of put on our galoshes and start getting,

Wading into our own shit and actually dealing with it.

And that makes people deeply,

Deeply uncomfortable.

Like,

It would be easier for me to try to impose my opinions and beliefs,

Which may or may not be better,

Okay?

It's irrelevant if that's the case.

Like,

There are obviously situations,

Even I've been in them,

Where you're in a work situation or you're with a partner or you're with a friend or a family member or whatever,

And you're having a conversation,

And you're like,

No,

But my way is actually better.

And like,

We're not having a conversation about trying to convince people here.

Like,

It doesn't matter whether the thing that you are trying to control,

If your way of doing things,

If your way of moving would actually be better or not is irrelevant to this conversation,

Okay?

The focus here is on really taking responsibility for who we are.

So we only have control over ourselves.

We have control over our thoughts,

Which when I say that to clients,

They tend to get really quite upset.

Emotions to a certain extent,

Which I will dive into in a second,

Our beliefs and our actions.

What have I just described to you?

That's right,

Folks.

I have just described mindset to you.

That's exactly what we have control over.

And like,

That's literally it.

Like,

The whole story stops there,

Okay?

So let's cycle back for a second.

We have control over our thoughts and our emotions in so much as we have the power to make a different choice.

Obviously,

There are habitual thoughts that we have been running for many,

Many years that happen to pop up.

And then there are emotions,

Too,

Which kind of just,

They rise,

They kind of bubble up from beneath the surface,

Right?

And when they do,

Then we have the choice to deal with them,

To confront them,

To work with them,

To transmute them,

And to transform them into something else,

Okay?

In my work,

I tend to make a little bit of a distinction between feelings and emotions.

There can be one.

There also cannot be a difference between the two.

But the distinction that I tend to make is that emotions are things that come up,

And it's the energy that we move through us.

And feelings tend to be what we choose to feel,

Okay?

The things that we can actively kind of bring forth.

An emotion is something that perhaps happens to us,

Pops up,

It bubbles up.

And a feeling is something that we are perhaps more implementing ourselves or we are working towards kind of integrating into our lives,

Okay?

So going back to this discussion of control,

We would rather kind of impose our way of doing things on the external world rather than taking control of ourselves.

Because taking control of ourselves is a lot harder.

Sort of.

Or at least it seems harder.

Because I would argue that trying to control other people is an exercise in futility.

You're never going to be able to actually control people.

And if you do,

You are going to probably create a certain amount of damage within that relationship,

Whichever kind of relationship it is,

Whether it's personal or professional.

I don't think it really makes a difference.

And I'm not certain that that's actually the outcome that we're going for,

Right?

Like we don't want to create disease or discomfort within our relationships.

But trying to control people,

Obviously,

Will have a tendency to do that.

Trying to control the weather,

Obviously,

Unless you're God.

And if you are,

Hey,

Call me.

Because,

Like,

I'd like to have a chat.

It's unlikely.

And same with,

Like,

The schedules.

Like,

We can't be in control of the way that things are unfolding or the things that happen in the collective where there's so many of us bumping up against each other,

Right?

Like,

Our energy's coming into contact with different people.

And,

Like,

The bus driver's having his own kind of feeling or his own experience.

And same with the train conductor.

You know,

She's going through whatever it is that she's going through.

Like,

All of us are having our own experience.

And then each of our individual lives and our individual experiences are kind of bumping up against each other in the collective.

So trying to control other people or our external experience of things is silly.

The only thing that we can really do is take control over our minds and the stories that we are telling ourselves about these things,

Okay?

Why does it seem easier to control other people?

Because it's not about looking at the things in our lives that make us uncomfortable.

Like,

Maybe a little bit,

Yes.

Maybe the external situations make us uncomfortable.

But not as uncomfortable as it would be to look at the fact that we don't believe that we are worthy of being loved and that's why we're having problems with our partner.

Or the fact that,

You know,

We have a tendency to maybe stretch the truth and that's why we have problems within our friendships or our families.

Or the fact that we tend to procrastinate on projects and that's why we're having,

You know,

We're bumping up against some conflict at work.

It's a lot easier to blame the varying people that are in these situations rather than accepting responsibility for the things about ourselves that potentially we don't like.

Or that make us uncomfortable.

Or that somehow we feel don't fit into the social or societal norms that we're surrounded by.

There's a million reasons why.

But it can be scary to take a second,

Stop,

And actually look within.

And that's where our power lies.

That is where the whole thing is.

The only thing we have control over is how we choose to feel.

The thoughts that we choose to think.

Those thoughts and feelings then pave the way for the beliefs that we have integrated about how the world works.

Who we are in that ecosystem.

How we behave.

And then because of those things,

Because of those beliefs and the behaviors that they stimulate,

I suppose,

Or that they create,

We then have the actions that we do or don't take.

And it's all this kind of connecting,

Right?

It's this huge process that we go through.

And we go through it every minute of every single day.

Okay?

But it is really scary to sit there and say,

Okay,

Now I need to really look at myself and assess the things I want to change.

And I need to learn to be in control,

Which is in and of itself something I really don't like.

Like I've had conversations with clients about this over the years because some clients tend to be like,

This is one of my values.

I want to feel in control.

And it's like,

Oh,

But there's something inherently negative in those words for me.

Okay?

That's my experience.

Perhaps that's not true for you.

But I would really encourage you to analyze the reason behind you wanting to be in control.

Because there is probably something else lurking beneath the surface there.

I really find it difficult to believe that people genuinely want to be in control.

I would argue that being in control is potentially a trauma response.

There was a moment where,

Or a coping method as well,

There was potentially a moment in your past where you felt like you had no control.

That lack of control created a negative experience.

And that negative experience is now informing the way that you're moving forward.

Right?

And so I also want to have a quick question,

A quick conversation here because I have just mentioned trauma.

Okay.

Yes.

And also,

We are in a society where I believe very,

Very,

Very strongly we have built up a habit of over-identifying with our trauma.

And all it does is create a bigger mess for us.

Full stop.

Full stop.

I'm not even actually particularly keen on having a conversation around this because I believe it to be true so strongly.

We are able to name and blame our trauma,

Lord Almighty,

And then we wear it like this badge of honor.

Like,

I have uncovered my trauma.

And?

And?

Like,

Kudos for doing that work.

Excellent.

Excellent that you have been able to name the thing.

We talk about that often on the podcast.

It is super valuable,

Super important.

We need to be able to name the thing.

Now that you've named the thing,

Are you moving beyond the thing?

Are we doing something about the thing?

Or are we just now identifying with the thing?

Because that's what I'm noticing a lot of.

I am noticing that we are spending a lot of time,

Especially younger generations,

We are spending a lot of time learning to be able to name our trauma,

And then we go around as if it was like a banner and we wave our trauma.

Like,

Hey,

I have this problem.

Do you have it too?

And we use it as a way to bond with people,

Which I have multiple episodes about this.

If you are interested,

You can go through and search trauma.

Or you can also search bonding with people over complaining,

Which is very,

Very similar.

And bonding with people over complaining is one of the first episodes I ever recorded.

But I think that it's still relevant to this conversation because we're doing it.

We're using our trauma to bond with other people.

Let's not.

Let's not and say we did.

So,

We don't want to over-identify with our trauma,

But we do want to be aware of it because that is an important step.

We're always naming the thing,

But we are not blaming the thing because that is irrelevant.

The only thing it does is keep you stuck.

And if you are here listening to this particular podcast,

It's because you actually want to know the how of doing something.

So many self-development books,

Courses,

Programs,

I don't really care,

Talk about the thing and they talk about why the thing is good or why the thing is bad,

But they don't tell you how to actually do the damn thing.

And that is what I hope to bust through here because I have always been so insanely curious and insatiable when it comes to knowledge,

But I want to have a conversation about practical steps that I can actually take to change the situation.

So,

If we are talking about releasing trauma,

If we're talking about releasing this desire to be in control of other people,

If we are talking about taking responsibility for ourselves,

What can we do?

Number one,

We can stop blaming our trauma,

Blaming other people,

And trying to control them.

And it sounds easy,

Obviously,

But it isn't.

It's simple.

It's not easy.

It's simple because all we have to do is just make a different decision.

That's literally all personal development is.

I have just given you the secret to life.

All personal development is,

Is making a different choice.

But it's not always easy to make that choice,

And that is okay.

But we need to be aware that we are doing this,

Aware that we are running these patterns,

And then make a different decision moving forward.

We need to really understand,

I think,

Why we are trying to do this thing because when we talk specifically about being in control,

And I had said this earlier,

There is something beneath the surface.

I really don't believe that anyone has any desire to actually be in control of another human being.

We can barely be responsible for ourselves.

I really don't think we are actually here trying to be responsible for other people.

That's actually insane.

So if it's not that we are trying to be in control of other people or take responsibility for other people,

What is running beneath the surface?

What programming are we running?

What story is hiding there,

Right?

Likely it has something to do with self-worth.

Just as a general kind of like blanket idea,

Usually the things that are running the stories that we are playing over and over again is a sort of overarching sense of self-worth or lack of self-worth,

Sorry,

That is kind of pushing us towards taking different moves to try to make ourselves feel better,

Feel worthy,

Feel good enough,

Okay?

Usually that's the case.

It is not always the case.

It is not the case for everyone.

However,

It tends to be that that is kind of hiding beneath the surface.

So we do want to try to understand what is motivating us to be in control of other people.

If there is some kind of external reason why we are trying to be in control of everything and everyone,

We probably need to assess whether having that thing or that person in our lives is actually valuable.

Like if you are trying to control someone because you think that someone is an idiot,

Perhaps it would be better to not be in a relationship with that person,

For example.

I mean any kind of relationship.

I don't mean a romantic one,

But I mean if you are constantly trying to control the moves that other people make in the world and the way that they do things because you think that they are not capable of handling things themselves,

One,

We need to take a massive step back and analyze what makes you more capable of running someone else's life than them because that's scary.

We've all been in that situation.

I have been there.

I have done it with partners.

I have done it with friends.

It is not a healthy space to be in.

It is not a valuable space to be in,

Neither for yourself nor for the person that you're trying to control.

And so it's best if we kind of just Jesus take the wheel that one and take a massive step back,

Okay?

But it really could be worth it to assess the reason why you are trying to control situations and see if there's a way to potentially take a step back because you may need to,

Okay?

From that point,

If we understand that we are trying to be in control because we're afraid,

Because we are concerned,

Because we are not feeling like we're good enough and we're trying to prove our worth to people so we're trying to do that via people-pleasing,

Via accomplishing all the things,

Being Superman or Superwoman or whatever it might be,

Then we really need to kind of assess why we're doing that,

Going back to the basic mindset work.

I need to behave this way because if I don't,

People won't love me.

If I don't take care of everything,

People will not find me valuable.

Is that true?

No.

The answer is no.

It is never true.

It is never actually,

Ultimately,

Divinely decided by God,

The universe,

The angels,

And so on and so forth,

That is actually true.

It isn't,

Okay?

So if it's not true,

Then what do you want to believe?

And from there,

You begin writing the new story.

So if I want to believe that I am valuable because of who I am,

Then I need to start telling myself that story,

Right?

And again,

We go back to the things that we talk about all the time.

I am in the process of accepting my inherent worth.

I am willing to see myself as inherently valuable.

I have nothing to prove.

Period.

Full stop.

There's so many different ways that you could tell this story differently,

Right?

But there is always something,

Again,

Behind that desire to be in control,

To try to deal with everything on your own,

To try to be the caretaker and the caregiver and so on and so forth.

Whenever we find ourselves in those positions,

It is probably because we are trying to cover up some kind of internal deficit,

Most likely associated with self-worth.

And so we need to take the step back,

Do the mindset work,

Ask if it's true,

Decide that it's not,

Reframe it into something positive,

And then really begin integrating that belief.

And how do we begin integrating it?

Every time we have that thought of like,

Oh,

I need to do this,

I need to be in control,

I need to prove my worth,

Whatever it is,

Then we go back and we say,

No,

I'm in the process of accepting that I am inherently worthy.

I am willing to believe that I am inherently worthy.

I move in the world as if I am inherently worthy,

Right?

And just taking it from there.

And we build that up.

And it can be hard sometimes because at the beginning of this process,

It does require a lot of patience.

Lord Almighty,

Patience.

You need to have patience.

You're working on untangling something that you have been doing probably for most of your adult and perhaps even earlier life,

Okay?

Adult life.

So think about how many years that is and think about how long it took you to build that habit and then think about the fact that it's probably going to take a hot minute to like unpack it a little bit and make something new.

It doesn't have to,

But it might take that time,

Right?

So we need patience.

We also need to be really kind to ourselves.

We need to really be loving and gentle with ourselves because we are doing the best that we can.

And we need to be present.

We need to be present with the thoughts that we are thinking so that we can catch when the old one pops up and we can say,

No,

Hang on,

I'm not doing that,

Right?

We don't do that anymore.

That's not true anymore.

I'm not believing that anymore.

Stop.

Whatever it is that you need to say to stop the process to allow yourself to begin to integrate the new thought and then you say the new thought instead,

What you are choosing to believe.

Again,

Choice.

What you are choosing to believe,

What you are choosing to integrate,

What you are choosing to think so that you can choose an action in the future that is different.

Right?

We're going along that path,

Okay?

So let's recap really quickly.

There is no such thing as being in control of anything or anyone except yourself.

The end.

I mean,

It is and it isn't,

But more or less,

Right?

Like,

That's kind of the whole point of this.

Now,

I've spent a bit more time breaking it down,

But like that really genuinely is it.

And I would really encourage you to try to understand and unpack why it is that you want to control people in the first place because it is going to get you nowhere.

Nowhere.

The only thing you have control over is yourself,

Your thoughts,

Your feelings,

Your beliefs,

And your actions.

So I would encourage you and I will invite you now to assess what are you going to do differently today.

What choice are you going to make today that is going to move you in the direction that you most want to go,

That is going to get you where you want to be,

That is going to help you become the version of you that you most want to be.

Right?

What are you going to do today?

Okay.

I'm going to leave it here.

It has been so delightful having this conversation with you.

I love being here.

This is probably my favorite place on planet Earth.

These conversations are so just,

Oh,

I love them,

Just juicy.

I love it.

And I hope you do too.

I really,

Really do.

So if you loved this episode,

It would mean the world to me if you could subscribe,

Follow,

Share,

Like,

Comment,

And all that jazz.

If somebody needs to hear this and you would feel safe and loving enough,

Because we want to always send these things and share these things from a very loving energy,

Then please do share.

It would mean the world to me.

Yeah.

I hope that this podcast finds you so well,

And I hope that you have the most juicy weekend ever,

Ever,

Ever,

Ever filled with love and light and sunshine and joy and fun and all of that playful energy,

And I look forward to seeing you on the next episode.

Ciao.