That's Not Mine Technique

In this episode I talk about my 'That's Not Mine' technique that I teach to clients and how to use it in a variety of difficult situations from interacting with loved ones and strangers and combating a negative mindset! Please note that this talk does contain explicit language and is not suitable for children.

Transcript

Hey guys,

Welcome to the first episode of my podcast.

This is super exciting and just a little bit terrifying.

But I really hope that this will be another avenue for me to provide service for you guys and for you to learn a little bit more about the kind of work that I do in the world and actually to be honest with you how I live my life because I swear that all of this is just me.

So that's one of the things that's really important for me with this podcast is just to make sure that I am being authentic and sharing myself with you guys and talking about how I use my own practices and things that I do with clients or that I teach clients or work with clients on in my own life.

So yeah,

I want to dive right in.

Today is something that's been coming up a lot for me and this is something that I teach my clients very early on in all of our coaching sessions which is the idea of that's not mine.

So what do I mean by that?

Basically it's analyzing what part or what aspects of a situation actually belong to you that you own that you're responsible for and what aspects have absolutely nothing to do with you.

So why is this important?

A lot of times we tend to take on a lot of shit that has absolutely nothing to do with us and that we are in absolutely no control over.

So this is things like what other people do,

What other people think,

What other people believe,

The actions that they do or don't take in the world and also things like our role in their lives.

So I know that sounds kind of weird and vague but I'm going to give you guys a bunch of examples that are really going to hit home I think.

So one of the first things that I always like to talk about is the idea of family and even friends and especially close friends that feel like family.

So for me especially,

I know that sometimes I tend to get over-involved in my friends and family's life.

For me I would say it's more specifically family and especially my mom.

So I love my mom to bits and pieces and I want her to be healthy and I want her to be happy.

Not that she isn't any of those things,

Right?

Because I kind of assume sometimes from my own perspective of her experience how she's feeling.

But one of the things that I used to find myself doing a lot was saying things like oh you should try this or you should do this or you should do that and then finding myself getting pissed off when she didn't take my advice.

And I think that's kind of silly to be honest with you.

Looking back on it now,

And it still happens,

So definitely on the journey to healing this.

It's not something that's finished for me and I don't know if it ever will be to be honest with you because I think I have an innate sense of wanting to help slash fix,

Which is really unhealthy,

But fix people.

But anyways,

With my mom in particular,

I know that I would get really offended if I came up with something new or found a new modality like when I first learned about meditation or when I first learned about healthy eating or whatever it is that I'm working on,

Whatever modality I'm engaging with at the time.

And I would share it with her or share books with her or whatever it was and I'd be like oh my god this is the secret to life.

Okay I have found the answer to living well,

I have found the answer to being happy and I'm sharing it with you,

Go forth and prosper.

And I would get really mad when she would not take my advice,

When she wouldn't implement the things that I felt that she should implement.

So this example is like one of those moments where this idea of that's not mine comes in.

So what other people do or don't do with the advice or the information that you share with them is theirs,

Not yours.

There's another conversation that could be had here about the fact that we probably shouldn't be giving unsolicited advice anyways,

But you're probably not doing that with any kind of malice and you're probably only doing it to people that you genuinely love and care about like friends and family.

So it's something to be mindful of but it's not as big of an issue as being emotionally attached to the outcome of someone else's actions.

You are not in control of what people do or don't do and that is something that is going to create so much space and freedom in your life once you take it on board.

So try and remember in those moments where you're trying to like help somebody or share something that you feel is super valuable that you have done your part of the work by sharing that and what they do with that information is theirs,

Not yours.

Another example of using that's not mine,

That's come up for me lately is it's actually kind of negative.

So it's going to be kind of,

It's hard to share this but I'm going to do it anyways.

There's been a couple instances that have come up with people that I've worked with professionally and who have not behaved in a way that I felt was 100% in alignment and yet they were passing off their ideas or their kind of reprimanding that they sent to me as being,

As coming from a heart centered place or coming from a place of alignment and I found myself kind of wanting to like quote unquote teach them a lesson.

Gross.

I know that there's lots of instances where we do this and it could be with anybody but especially when we feel like we've been wronged somehow in whatever way physically,

Emotionally,

Spiritually,

Financially,

Any way that you feel wronged we have a tendency to come back with this idea of like well they need to know what they did wrong and they need to learn and I'm going to be the one that teaches them.

This is another great example that's not mine.

It is not my job to teach someone else a lesson.

I am getting involved in something that is 100% in the hands of the universe and it can be really challenging to remember that and I think that it goes without saying but I'm going to say it anyways that we need to approach ourselves with so much loving kindness in these situations because we are all learning and we're all growing but it is so important that we don't take on more than we need to.

Think of all the beautiful things that you want for yourself in your life and that you're working towards and think about the energy that you're potentially expending in taking on teaching someone else a lesson or like engaging with people in this way.

You don't need to be doing that.

That's energy that you could be putting towards whatever it is that you're working on on your own,

Right?

I don't necessarily think that that is a healthy investment and I think it's really important to remember that there are forces in the universe that are so much bigger than us and that know so much more than we do and when we get involved in trying to send somebody a lesson or teach somebody a lesson or kind of impart some kind of what we think is wisdom and trust me when I say I have a bad tendency of doing this.

We are just taking on work and messing with other people's path so we need to remember that everyone is on their own journey,

Absolutely everyone and everything that's happening to them and to us is happening exactly the way it should be for us to learn the lessons that we need to learn for our highest growth.

So whatever you're working on and whatever you're struggling with,

They go hand in hand.

You're struggling with something that is going to teach you something that will help you move forward.

So I really feel that in dealing with these two professionals,

I really learned a lot about how I want to show up in my work as a coach and how I want to engage with the world and one of the things,

One of the messages I want to bring forth which is really,

Really,

Really being in authenticity and trying to be in that space all the time.

Am I?

Absolutely not.

Is anyone else?

No,

We all falter,

We're human but I do think that there's a lot of value in viewing absolutely everything that happens as a lesson.

Yeah,

I'm going to close that out and I got one more example of That's Not Mine before I finish up today.

So another thing that I use this That's Not Mine idea for is when I'm around people who have really negative mindsets.

If you guys know anything about me at all,

You'll know that mindset is my jam.

It's like the whole,

It's the whole puzzle as far as I'm concerned.

Like yes,

You need to love yourself but loving yourself is mindset and yes,

You need to take care of yourself but again,

Taking care of yourself is a mindset.

I genuinely believe that mindset is the foundation upon which we build our lives and having said that,

When we encounter somebody that has a negative mindset,

It can sometimes feel like they're kind of surrounded by like a black cloud or like a gray cloud and then you talk to them and like slowly you can feel that like black cloud kind of creeping over to your side of things and when you leave the conversation,

You can like maybe leave in a different energetic space than when you entered it.

And so one of the tools that I use to combat this is whenever I hear someone come up to me with a negative mindset,

I literally say in my mind as they're speaking,

That's not mine.

I literally imagine like my hand going up and like almost like blocking what they're saying and I just say,

That's not mine.

So I can give an example of this as well.

I have someone in my life who tends to struggle a lot with money and has a bit of a scarcity mindset.

And for a really long time,

It was really hard to be around because I felt like I was constantly taking that on myself.

I was allowing it into my field and I was kind of accepting it like it was mine and it's not.

It definitely isn't.

I don't,

I struggle with scarcity mindset for sure,

But in general,

I don't tend to live my life in that space.

So what I started doing,

And this was probably about two years ago,

Is literally saying,

That's not mine and it's not in a rude way and it's not aggressive.

We want to maintain that kind of loving energy.

It's just,

This doesn't belong to me gently.

That belongs to that person and I'm not taking it on.

And this has been a huge,

Huge,

Huge help in protecting my own energy and maintaining my own vibration.

So I don't find that I take on people's negative mindsets or bad moods as easily as I used to because of this tool.

So I just want to like kind of go over what I said again about the idea of that's not mine.

So that's not mine being this idea that we do not have to take responsibility for what other people do or don't take on board,

What actions they do or don't take,

And how their own life unfolds.

Second was the idea of not needing to impart any lessons because that's not your job.

That's the job for the universe and everything is unfolding exactly as it's meant to.

And the last was for a sense of protection,

Protecting you against other people's negative mindsets and allowing you to just move in the world from a very loving place and protecting your own energy so that you can keep focusing on everything that you want to focus on.

And I want to end this by saying one last thing because this episode has been very heavily about our interactions with other people.

I think it's really important to state that we are all human.

We are all human and we all want the same things.

Even if it doesn't seem like it,

We all want to be loved.

We all want to be seen.

We all want to be heard.

We all have goals that we're working towards.

We all have things that we struggle with.

So as much as you deserve love and happiness and as much as you deserve to keep your own energy to work towards your goals,

So do the other people that you may or may not be in conflict with or that you may be engaging with.

So everybody has their own story and everybody has their own path and it's really important that we're all mindful and as respectful as possible towards other people's journeys.

This is something that when I was younger,

I really,

Really struggled with and I do still in moments where I feel triggered or where I'm bumping up against.

.

.

When I'm having an interaction with people where I just don't feel like I've been respected,

It's sometimes hard to remember that that other person still deserves love and respect.

So in my engagement with these people,

All the people that I've mentioned,

So the two professionals that I dealt with or the people with the negative mindset or even I had used the example of my mom,

Hey mom if you're listening to this,

Love you.

But all of those interactions,

Those people have their own set of goals,

They have their own dreams and they have their own journey and path that they're on and they deserve all the good that you do just the same.

So an added bonus to this idea of that's not mine and kind of energetically stepping away from trying to deal with the situation on your own instead of letting a force greater than you kind of take the reins would be to try and send them love.

It's not always easy,

You can't always do it and that's totally okay,

You're a human and you're trying your best.

Even the intention of sending love in these situations I think is super,

Super powerful.

So it's not yours but they deserve love anyways.

And that's where I'm going to leave this episode so if you have any questions for me you can find me on Instagram at CandiceElasia,

On Facebook at CandiceElasiaCoaching,

You can find me on my website www.

Candiceelasia.

Com or you can hit me up via email at alacia at CandiceElasia.

Com so I would love to hear from you if this resonated or if you have any other questions about this topic.

Sending you guys so much love and I can't wait to keep engaging with you in this way and I hope this massively served you.

Love you guys,

Have an amazing day.

Reviews

This is definitely a mindset shift I want to adopt. I’m terrible about giving unsolicited advice. I need my immediate family to BE safe to FEEL safe, which isn’t healthy.

i imagine putting up that one hand & saying: “STOP! in the name of love.” thank you!

Good idea. Own your own stuff. Don't carry other's stuff.

Great first podcast! Looking forward to many more ☺️ love and blessings to you 💜 x

Thankyou I really connected with this and will work on being more mindful of that’s not mine.

Sending out love....even when it’s not an easy thing ... thank you soooo much Candice!

I so needed to hear this today! I struggle with everything you mentioned, lol! 😂 Thank you so much for giving me ways to handle it better! 💕

Thank you for the beautiful reminders, always essential to keep them in mind!