How Are You Really?

In this episode, I want to connect with you and get a sense of how you're _really_ doing. This episode talks about our external behaviours and how we connect with and relate to others as well as our internal habits and how we connect with ourselves. It's like a big warm hug, asking you the big questions, honouring the little you inside and giving you the space to be all of you while holding you lovingly accountable.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to another episode of the Wild Freewell podcast.

Today I want to do a little check-in and just see how you guys are doing.

And I want to do that by asking you just a really simple question,

Which is,

How are you really?

So how are you actually doing?

And I think there's two sides to this question and we're going to talk about both of them today.

But the reason why I wanted to ask this question is because I feel like we're not necessarily engaging with each other in general,

In society,

In life,

Online and whatever.

I feel like we're not engaging with each other in a way that really benefits us or that would be the most beneficial to us.

So I was actually going to start by talking about your side but I think I'm going to start talking about the external side of things.

So like externally and the way that we kind of engage with each other is,

I think it's becoming a little bit more superficial.

And it doesn't have to be that way,

Right?

It doesn't have to be.

But how often in your life,

Like take a second and kind of ask yourself this or think about it,

How often do we ask other people how they're doing and we don't actually care?

We don't actually care how they're doing.

How often do you kind of say like,

Oh hey how's it going?

Or how are you?

Or whatever.

And you don't even wait for people to respond.

And I'm,

This question has come up for me this week because I think that both,

On both sides,

Both on like the giving and the receiving end of this,

I feel like I haven't really been asking other people deeply how they're doing.

I feel like I'm going through a transitional moment and I've been really focused inward.

But I also recognize that I've been craving other people asking me that kind of way,

Like in a deeper way,

Not just in like a,

You know,

Like I'm asking you this out of like courtesy or politeness.

And there's nothing,

Sorry my dog just,

She just threw herself on the floor.

But I think that there's a bunch of reasons why we don't engage with people in this way.

And one of them is because we are just trapped in a cycle of busyness.

So we are just constantly like chasing after the next thing and go go go go go and always in a rush and hashtag hustle culture and all of these things.

And it's making us a little bit stupid.

Like it's making us a little bit like socially inept honestly.

And rude too.

Because I think it's just really disrespectful to not engage with humans as if they were human.

And there is a lot of this,

Like a lot of sort of transactional engagement where we're engaging with people to get something or we're talking to people to be heard or we're listening to respond and we are not really truly engaging with the person that's in front of us.

And I think that part of this is because most people simply do not know how to listen deeply.

And I know that I certainly didn't before I started my coaching journey,

Before I went through the program that taught me coaching skills.

Because deep listening and active listening is a huge part of coaching.

And it's a huge part of where my power as a practitioner lies because I am able to hear what most people would miss.

And I'm able to hear what a lot of people don't even recognize within themselves.

Like they don't even hear themselves saying.

And so deep listening is just super super powerful and it is a gift that we give to other people where we listen in order to understand.

We don't listen to respond.

Because in a coaching relationship my opinion on what you're feeling is not worthless but like more or less to a certain extent it is.

Like my opinion is not what matters most right.

What matters is what you believe or what you're saying about your reality.

And my job as a coach is to pick up on all the things that you don't even realize are running your life aka your limiting beliefs and the stories that you're telling yourself about your reality and to reflect those back to you.

And most people can't hear it in themselves and most people don't care enough to hear it in other people.

And I know that that sounds really bad.

I'm not trying to paint a negative picture of the world but I do think it's something that we need to be mindful of.

Especially because I really believe that we are all craving now more than ever post pandemic we are all craving this this opportunity to really be seen and to be heard.

Like we need to be seen.

We need to be seen for who we are and we need connections with people that go beyond the superficial because I think that we a lot of us realized in that time over the last like two or three years how much has truly been missing.

I think that if we look at our lives before lockdown and if you didn't experience lockdown then that's fine too but if you look at your life and you kind of see the way that you were moving through your existence and like how you were creating the you know the masterpiece that is your life I wonder if you could even say that you were creating it.

How many of you and how many people feel like they were just kind of living on autopilot?

And when we're living on autopilot we engage with people on autopilot and we listen on autopilot.

It's not like it's only in one area and not in others.

It tends to become sort of the default way of how we engage with people and we know that when we've been on the receiving end of people listening on autopilot or listening while doing something else it really it hurts.

It's like I don't want to use the term microaggression but kind of like we feel that though like the point I'm trying to make is that we feel it.

We feel it when somebody is listening but they're scrolling on their phone and when people do that to me I swear to fucking god I want to take their phone and whack it up against a wall.

I just think that is the epitome of disrespect.

If you cannot engage with me without looking at your phone then there's no reason for us to have a conversation full stop.

Like I don't want to be friends with people like that.

I don't want to be that kind of friend because I think it is so so rude and if you do need to use your phone I think that there is a way to do so that's not like completely ignorant which would be like having a conversation about like something's coming up and I just need to check my phone can you excuse me for a second give your full attention to the phone and then do what you need to do then put it away and give your full attention to the person that's in front of you.

But this is kind of that bad habit isn't it and like there's been studies on like how listening diminishes by about 30% just by having a phone on the table while you're with someone.

So not touching it,

Not using it,

Not looking at it,

Just it being there diminishes listening by 30% because people are focusing on like whatever might come and I think too that there is like a huge amount of FOMO in that because we need to ask ourselves why the people that we're engaging with are not as interesting as the people that we might possibly engage with should our phone ring.

It just it's really it's a really kind of trippy situation and that kind of goes more into like our tech habits and that kind of thing than the conversation that we're having today.

But the superficiality of our engagement with people I think is having a really negative impact on our own sense of self-worth and our own sense of self-esteem.

And so there's that that's the kind of the external one so like how are you engaging with other people?

How do you notice other people are engaging with you and kind of what do you crave as well?

Like are you craving deeper connections?

Are you craving a sense of community?

I know I 1000% am.

I would give nothing more for a community of people who are not necessarily like exactly like me but that share some similar interests where I can have like conversations that blow my mind.

Those are my favorite kind of conversations.

If we're not talking about something that matters why are we talking at all?

And then also just like a group of people to like kind of like do more fun things with but like it's about that connection whether that connection be for fun or play or maybe doing something more superficial less serious and then also like just those kind of like heartfelt connections.

So if you're craving that I think it's important to first look at yourself because that's the only thing that you are really in control of.

You are not in control of other people or how they behave or what they do.

So how are you engaging with people?

What level of attention and presence are you bringing to your interactions?

How well do you listen?

How often do you ask like hey how's it going without actually giving a crap what the response is right?

And just really really really being in a sovereign self-responsible place because that's where we want to be.

That's where the juice is.

That's where life is is when we're in that really self-responsible place.

And like you're not going to be there forever too.

Like I talk a lot about self-responsibility.

You're going to have moments where you're killing it.

You're going to have moments where you dip off.

You're going to be on the path off the path on the way and off the way and whatever.

Like that's life.

The ebb and flow of existence right?

We're not ever trying to negate that.

We are not striving for perfection.

We're just trying to be in a space where we are able to engage wholly fully and be lit up by life.

And that includes in our relationships which is what this this episode is about.

Relationship with other and now we're about to switch to relationship with the self.

So when we're looking at like our own side or your side of things like do you take that time to ask yourself like how am I doing?

Like how am I feeling really?

Not it's okay it's fine and like if if you're a man listening to this and you've ever had a conversation with a woman if she tells you something's fine wow like shit is not fine.

Shit is not okay.

Code red this is not a drill.

You need to look into that.

But we use these sort of like platitudes as a way to kind of diminish the emotional kickback of what we're experiencing.

And there are situations where I think that probably can't be avoided like we can't go around spewing our emotional garbage on people and certainly if you're in like a really like formal or sort of work setting like you also can't just be like necessarily super honest about how you're feeling.

But you do need to be able to be honest with yourself and a bonus would be if you could be honest with the people closest to you as well.

Like really honest.

Like somebody asks you how you're doing like a close friend says hey how's it going and you say you know what it's not going that well right now.

And then also because there is this idea in the spiritual community and in like even in the mindset community and manifestation community that if we want to get what we want we need to be this sort of Pollyanna optimist positive person all the time.

And actually if we go about that by pretending that we're fine when we're not what we're actually doing is repressing the negative emotion and that is going to come up.

It is going to be like jaws and it is going to bite you in the ass so hard that is not the way to go about it.

So like yeah we want to be in a good space we want to aim to feel good as often as possible.

No like that's the goal of life.

Of course we want to try to feel as good as possible as often as possible.

However when you don't feel good and there will inevitably be moments where life happens and something comes up and you don't feel good it is so important to honor that.

Honor yourself.

How often do we say these things?

And I'm going to keep saying them to you because it's like one of the foundations of self-care is just this really like listening to yourself and being honest with yourself and creating that safe space where you can just be all of who you are.

Not just the shiny societally approved culturally validated parts right?

All of you.

Warts and all.

Good and bad quote unquote because like there is no such thing right?

You know and taking like your strengths and your flaws and like as if there is anything that's really a flaw as if there really is something that's a weakness because your weaknesses are what make you you.

They're a part of the tapestry of who you are as a human and all of that contributes to what you offer to the world and how you show up in the world and how you love and how you do.

All of those things are are a part of you.

They are not bad.

There is there are no bad parts of you but it's really important that we give ourselves that space to kind of be honest about like what we're feeling and so let me ask you please take a second and engage in this conversation with me.

I know it might seem one-sided but I care.

I want to know how you're doing.

How are you really?

How are you feeling right now?

What's going on in your world?

Are you killing it?

Are you you know like showing up in big ways?

Are you making waves?

Are you making moves?

Are you bringing visions into reality or are you you know struggling a little bit right now?

And that's okay too.

Like there's nothing wrong with that.

You're just you're just a little human.

You're just a little human and you're gonna have bad days and you're gonna have sad days and you're gonna have moments where it feels hard and like you just need to be with that.

Be with that that version of you.

Be with whoever you are right now and you know because you're smart and because you listen to this podcast you know that there is always another reality available to you when you're ready.

So not bypassing what you're feeling or bypassing the situation or what you're going through but like really leaning into it.

Putting on your galoshes as I always say to clients.

Getting knee-deep in your own shit.

Figuring out your emotion,

Sorting through sorry your emotional garbage.

And then when you've done that you're ready to move on to something better to move on to a better feeling right?

You can move to the next best feeling.

So you can move from feeling sad to only feeling like a little bit upset.

And you can move from feeling upset to feeling kind of like numb or neutral.

And you can move from neutral to feeling like all right yeah I'm okay.

And you can move from okay to feeling really great.

That is available to you after you really acknowledge whatever it is that you're feeling now.

It is a disservice to yourself and to the little human that you are to pretend that you can go from upset to great or from sad to great.

That's not how anything in nature ever works.

We don't go from winter to summer.

We don't go from spring to fall.

That's just not how things work right?

We there are there are sort of like processes that we have to go through and this is one of them.

This is one of the processes.

We feel what we feel and we honor whatever's coming up with for us and then we slowly do things that make us feel better and better as we move towards feeling better and better.

As we move towards something better and better.

So how does that land for you?

What is coming up as you hear me saying these things?

Does it scare you?

Does it trigger you?

Does it make you feel excited to know that you have that much power and control that at the end of the day you can make a choice to feel better but you can also make a choice to be here right now and to really show up for yourself and to a certain extent let's be totally honest to reparent yourself because that's what that's a little bit of a challenge for yourself because that's what that's a little bit of what we're doing right now isn't it?

Like we are looking at the sad and hurt or upset parts of ourselves.

We're dealing with our whatever emotions maybe don't feel super awesome and we're saying like hey that's okay that's okay like it's okay that you feel that way that's totally fine and soon you will feel better but right now you feel this and that's fine.

So I want to ask you again because I'm afraid that you didn't actually hear me say this because I lost the audio and I didn't really give you a pause after I said it but I want to ask you again to take a second and really tune in and be super super honest with yourself.

How are you really?

How are you?

How are you actually doing?

What's going on for you right now?

Is there anything that you're struggling with?

Do you need a little bit of support with your life?

Are you feeling maybe a little bit more triggered or like feeling more on the negative side versus feeling positive?

And maybe you're feeling none of these things maybe you are killing it and things are awesome and and that's great you will come back to this podcast I trust that you will come back when you need it.

You will make a mental note that like should anything ever happen if shit hits the fan then you have this tool in your toolbox at your disposable sorry whenever you need it.

But for now you're just taking a second to really tune in and be present with whatever comes up and I'm going to share some magic with you right now.

I would be willing to bet that if you took a second and you paused the audio and you actually did those things and you sat there and listened to me ask those questions and you answered them just mentally you don't have to write anything this is not this doesn't have to be that kind of exercise just writing those things down I would be willing to bet that some of what you're feeling has already been transmuted.

Tell me I'm wrong tell me I'm wrong.

Just by giving air time to what we're going through moves mountains it really really does because we just want to be listened to we just want to be seen we just want to be heard we just want to feel understood these are the basic needs shelter food water being seen being heard being listened to being understood feeling appreciated feeling loved that's it we don't need anything else besides those things and obviously that encompasses relationships right because usually if we're being seen or being heard it's not just by ourselves but also by other people so relationships are included in there but everything beyond that is superfluous it's extra it's bonus it's excellent and it's wonderful but the reality is is that if we really break it down the thing that we the things that we actually need are so simple and we can give them to ourselves in any given moment if we want to and that goes back to the discussion about self-responsibility right like we need to be taking responsibility for our own wellness and our own well-being and we need to show up for ourselves first and then not only that but if you really take what I've said on board today if you really take this idea of like how are you really and you apply that to your life your relationships are going to improve they are going to improve I say that with like a massive amount of certainty because people are used to being ignored people are used to not being listened to and the minute that you can actually listen to somebody truly deeply listen to somebody and hear what they're saying and understand what they're going through you will have a friend for life because people crave it so deeply that they will love you immediately because you are giving them the one thing that probably no one else on earth is giving them and before you do that for other people you absolutely got to do it for yourself always always always any of these tools yeah they can help you improve your life externally but please use them to improve your life internally first because if you're not doing that there is like a sort of lack of embodiment and a lack of authenticity as well like if it's not just a part of who you are and you're just doing it to do it or you're like trying it out as a practice it's not the same thing as like really truly taking something on board so do this first with yourself and then take your superpowers external okay I'm gonna end this here I hope this was valuable I think that this is like a juicy conversation I think it's really needed for the climate that we're in and I think too as we're moving through that transition of end of winter into spring in the northern hemisphere and even like end of summer into fall and there's that kind of either speeding up on the one end or slowing down on the other we need to be in these particular transition moments asking ourselves these questions like okay what what do I really need right now what do I want how am I feeling what's going on for me it's really good to check in because on the one hand things are going to be getting much faster in the northern hemisphere we're going to have longer days we're going to be doing more we're going to feel more energetic and so we do we may not have like this the time necessarily we may not take the time sorry it's actually better we may not take the time to check in and then on the other hand in the southern hemisphere as you're moving into to fall it's going to be more of like this I this idea of going inward and so dealing with all of the speed that you kind of gained and all of the heat that you embodied throughout the summer and then how do you kind of cool down as you move into winter how do you slow down how do you allow yourself to unfold right into that like slower season and so also asking yourself like you know what do I need right now you know I need a minute to kind of process everything that I've been going through in the summer as I move into fall so yeah I hope that this serves you I hope that you enjoyed it if you like it please subscribe and if you want to leave a review like that just means the world to me I love to hear how you're receiving this transmission I guess I don't know how you're receiving this information or this podcast and if you want to learn more about what it would be like to work with me you can reach me on my website at www.

Candicealacia.

Com and you can find me on instagram at candicealacia and if you are interested in working together I have some juicy new programs that are coming out and also I'm always accepting one-on-one clients as well and there's also going to be a juicy little tidbit coming out in the next week via my newsletter so if you're interested in working together and you would like some more information about that and maybe even a discount code for how we could work together then I would encourage you to get on my mailing list before the 6th of March so yeah I hope that you're well and that your weekend is off to an amazing start and I will see you on the next episode.

Reviews

Thank you for this. Yeah...I have learned to check in with myself only recently.... Been more used to listening to others...