Honouring Yourself Through Setting Healthy Boundaries

In this episode, I talk about some issues I've been having with getting clear on and implementing healthy boundaries and some of the tactics I've used to turn this situation around! I also discuss some of the benefits I've seen unfold in my own life since making these changes. Please note that this talk does contain explicit language and is not suitable for children.

Transcript

Hey guys,

Just a fair warning before you dive in that this podcast does contain explicit language.

Hey guys,

So I wanted to hop on and have a chat about something that's been coming up a lot for me lately,

Which is setting strong boundaries.

I just want to preface this little chat with saying that they're doing some construction on a house next to mine,

And I'm hoping that the noise isn't too bad and that you guys can hear me more than you hear anything in the background.

But if so,

Please be patient and bear with me.

Anyways,

Let's dive right in.

One of the things I've noticed lately in my life that's been coming up is really having some shit boundaries with clients.

Lately,

I've been letting my clients get away with a lot,

A lot,

A lot,

A lot.

So some of the things that have been happening is I've had clients call really last minute to cancel sessions,

Or I've had them show up late,

Or I've had them show up and not have done what they said they were going to do.

And I think all of this is really interesting because I've kind of been letting everybody get away with it.

So I don't think I've been as firm with my clients as I normally am.

My style is really tough love,

And I really try to hold accountable to what they say they want because if people are choosing to work with a coach,

They're choosing to work with a coach for a reason.

So they want to achieve something.

They feel like they are not necessarily able to do it well on their own or in a timeline that they appreciate on their own at least.

And so they come to work with someone like me.

But if you're coming to work with someone like me and you're not actually doing what you say you want to do,

Part of that is also on me because my job is to reflect back to you what it is that you are not doing,

Essentially,

Where you're not in alignment with what you say you really want.

So I think I've definitely been living in a space of trying to please people.

Lately,

It has been way more important for me to feel like I'm liked than honoring both what I need and what I know is best for the client.

And with the lessons or sessions being canceled or delayed or,

You know,

People constantly asking me to reschedule,

To be honest with you,

Not holding steady to my own policy and my own standards has left me feeling like I'm being taken advantage of.

So in the last month,

I've had about two or three sessions per week be canceled or asked to be rescheduled.

And to be honest with you,

That's just not really appropriate.

I understand that we all have like things going on in life and that,

You know,

Sometimes shit happens,

We get sick and so on and so forth.

But we also,

You know,

We can also get into situations where we feel like even though we've taken on this commitment,

We get scared and then we're kind of not taking it seriously or we're trying to find a way out of it because what we've taken on is so big,

You know,

And that's good.

Taking on something big is what causes us to grow,

But running away from it is not necessarily the answer.

And if we're in a space where we're not really honoring our commitments,

We're really not honoring ourselves.

In the same way that me not honoring my boundaries or not setting up and enforcing strong boundaries with clients is also me not honoring myself.

So I've kind of brainstormed some ways I want to deal with this moving forward and some of the things that I have already done.

And I'd like to share them with you guys today.

So one of the first things that I had to do was I had to email clients and I had to kind of implement slash reinforce a new cancellation policy.

And I'm going to use new with air quotes here because it's not new.

The cancellation policy is actually included in my contract,

But I've been really lax because I was trying to be really friendly and trying to be really loving and really meet people where they're at.

And that is a good thing.

And I think there's a lot of value in that.

But I also have to honor myself and my time and having two or three sessions per week be canceled or moved is really not honoring,

You know,

My space,

My time,

My energy,

My schedule,

The way I've set up my life,

The way I work in and on my business.

It's just it takes away from that.

And that doesn't make any sense.

So I have sent an email where I tried to be loving and kind and I shared that,

You know,

This is the policy.

It's stated in my contract now because of the quantity of cancellations I've had in the past week.

I really need to implement this because it is distracting and pulling away from my workflow.

And frankly,

It's affecting my income.

I mean,

I know that sounds really shitty and I'm never one to focus on money first or have it be like all about money.

I'm not something I'm not interested in money.

Money is important.

And the more money you have,

The more good you can do in the world.

And I genuinely believe that.

But at the same time,

Girls got to eat.

So I really can't have my business be interrupted because people have decided that honoring the commitment they made to me and to themselves is no longer that important.

Or that something else has come up.

I want to be clear that in a lot of ways,

The cancellations that I've had have not been for anything life threatening,

Have not been for any kind of health issues.

It's just been because,

You know,

This isn't working out.

This isn't the right time.

And that is not a good enough reason to cancel a commitment that you've made.

And one of the things I find interesting about this,

Too,

Is that this is a mirror for me because there are times and there are areas in my life where I behave exactly like this.

And now that the shoe is on the other foot,

I'm really not appreciating getting that energy from other people.

And that really is a call to action for me as well to look at my life and say,

OK,

Well,

Where am I doing this?

And why am I doing this?

And is it OK?

And I think in a lot of situations,

Most people realize that,

Like,

Well,

It's OK when I do it,

But I don't like it when it's done to me.

But then that has to also mean that when you're doing it,

It's not OK either.

So,

Yeah,

That was one of the first things that I had to do.

I really had to implement the boundaries that I had already set in place and just make them really clear.

So my cancellation policy is written in my contract and I go over it with people when we first start working together.

But the reality is,

Is that if you're working with somebody over any period of time,

Of course they forget.

And that's totally normal.

And so I had to lovingly like,

You know,

Be clear about them with myself.

First off,

Let's let's start there.

I had to be clear about my boundaries with myself.

And then I had to be clear about them with other people and make them aware of what was going on and whether,

Like,

What they were doing was OK or wasn't OK.

The next thing I think that I'm going to have to continue doing and I'm trying to do and maybe I'm not doing a great job,

But is I really need to understand that I have to honor these boundaries first.

So this kind of goes back to what I was just saying about mirroring,

Where my clients behaving like this is maybe a reflection of ways I behave like this in my own life.

There have been times in the past where I had asked clients to move sessions for various reasons.

And to be honest with you,

This really isn't OK.

And I'm honoring that now.

I think when I first got started,

I wasn't as clear about the reality of how working for myself would be and how creating my own schedule would be like.

It is a blessing.

And in some ways it is also a curse.

But yeah,

I think that this is a huge piece of learning for me because I was creating bad habits and I was allowing clients to treat me that way because I was treating the situation that way in the first place or right alongside them,

At least.

So,

Yeah,

It really created like a cycle of bad habits for both of us.

So I now no longer move sessions or I try to move them as infrequently as possible.

And I've also recognized that I am blessed to have a job that I get to do from home.

And so even on the days when I'm really not feeling well,

Unless I am completely destroyed with a cold or something that has me almost bedridden,

I pretty much always show up to work because I,

I can like it's not like I have to get dressed or like get dressed really fancy or go to an office or do anything like that.

Like I really can honor the commitments that I have made just by showing up and doing the absolute best that I can.

And unless I really feel like the quality of the service that I offer will be affected by some by my health or by whatever it might be,

I really don't cancel sessions.

And I think that this has been really huge for me to realize,

Because being I want to use the word mistreated,

But it's totally the wrong word.

But not being honored by clients and them kind of treating me like I don't matter was really like a reflection of how I may have been doing the same thing in other ways or to a lesser degree with them as well.

So it's really made me mindful,

Like I made a commitment and this is when I show up.

And the last piece of this,

I think,

And this is something that I struggle with and I think that a lot of people do,

It's this idea of recognizing that we are enough and that we deserve to be honored.

So when I sent the email to my clients,

I was scared shitless,

Scared shitless.

And it's ridiculous because all of these things were already written in my contract.

My clients were already aware that this was my policy.

They were already aware that this was how things needed to be.

And yet me reaching out and kind of reiterating that to them felt like I was climbing Everest.

It just felt like I was being really mean and I was being really unkind because I was enforcing this policy.

But the reality the reality is,

Is that I am worthy of being honored and my boundaries are worth being honored.

And that was something that was hard to understand in the moment.

And to be honest with you,

Is something that I still struggle with,

But I'm working on it.

And the way that you do this is just by loving yourself and,

You know,

Really taking good care of yourself and accepting and stepping into the idea that I am a whole person.

I am a good person.

I am kind.

I am caring.

I'm providing a service.

I show up and I'm there for my clients.

And because of that,

And even without that,

To be honest with you,

I deserve to be honored and my boundaries deserve to be honored.

And at the same time,

So do the boundaries of my clients.

This is huge.

We all deserve that same level of respect,

But it starts by us giving it to ourselves first.

Now,

Before I finish up today,

I want to talk really briefly about the benefits of boundaries,

Because I think a lot of people struggle with setting up boundaries.

And I think it's normal because we want to be liked.

Human beings have three basic needs,

You know,

Food,

Shelter,

Water.

But I always think,

And I believe that Maslow in psychology,

Also in his hierarchy of needs,

Talks about this,

But we also as humans all need to be loved,

Appreciated,

Seen and heard.

And so we know that,

Like,

We all have this desire to be loved and to be appreciated,

To be liked,

You know,

In a lot of situations.

And we sometimes feel that setting up boundaries is going to somehow cause someone to not like us,

Because sometimes honoring yourself means saying no to other people or no longer allowing people to treat you in a certain way,

Or no longer allowing people to do things that they were doing previously.

I had some clients,

For example,

Retaliate.

That's a terrible word,

But like,

Kind of respond to my email about how I will no longer be accepting cancellations of sessions in a kind of aggressive way.

And the reality for me,

At least before when I first started doing this,

Was that this was terrifying.

Okay,

Oh my God,

What if somebody says that they don't want to work with me anymore?

What if they get mad at me?

What if they say that,

You know,

This isn't right for them,

Etc,

Etc?

And one of the things that I realized is,

Cool,

You're not the right client for me,

Because why would I want to work with somebody who values disrespecting me more than they value respecting me?

So I specifically had a client say,

You know,

I was interested in working with you,

But you know,

Because of some timing issues,

And then because of the change in the cancellation policy,

Where really there was no change,

I'm no longer able to work with you.

And I just said,

You know,

I'm really enjoyed the time that we had together.

And I really appreciate all the,

You know,

Sessions we had together,

But I completely respect and understand where you're coming from.

Simply because I don't actually want to work with anybody who wants to be in a situation where they can cancel at the last minute.

I don't want clients that cancel at the last minute.

I don't want to work with people who admire or appreciate the opportunity to cancel at the last minute.

Those are not the kind of clients that I'm calling in.

And so I'm really actually grateful that this relationship came to a close in what I think is a relatively healthy way,

Because that is ultimately not serving me.

Like there is just no reason for me to continue working with somebody who values those sorts of things.

And so I think that this is kind of leading into what I was saying about benefits.

When you set really healthy boundaries,

You increase your levels of self-respect and self-confidence,

And you have now set a new standard of like what you expect from people.

So like,

I feel better about myself now that I've implemented this.

And I would like to also state that I have had no sessions cancelled in the last two weeks because I have implemented this policy.

Because people now understand that I value my time and therefore they are automatically in a space of valuing my time in return.

Because people weren't taking my time seriously because I had built up this allowance of like,

Okay,

It's no problem,

Cancel whenever and I'll work around your schedule and I'll come meet you halfway.

And technically more than halfway though,

And it's fine.

But it's actually not fine.

And now that I have set these boundaries,

I respect myself,

I feel confident in my decision,

I'm letting go of clients that are no longer interested in working with me because I've implemented these boundaries.

And I feel better.

And I've really stepped into my worth.

And I've also understood my limitations,

Right?

I've understood like,

Okay,

This isn't cool,

This no longer works for me,

And I've set a new standard for moving forward.

Another benefit is people respect me more.

People are really valuing my time because I'm valuing my time.

Okay,

People understand my limits and they realize that this line in the sand is not one that is able to be crossed easily.

I understand that again,

Like I don't want to seem like a tyrant or like a dictator and like,

Oh,

You can never cancel a session no matter what,

Because it's not like that at all.

But when it gets to the point where two or three sessions are being canceled or rescheduled every week,

Obviously there is a problem with boundaries because that's just not professional either.

Like that's me not taking my time or my work seriously.

And I don't think that that portrays a healthy image to clients in any case.

So now that I've changed that people are way more respectful,

They're showing up on time,

They're showing up ready to work,

And it makes a big difference.

And I think that this also fosters better relationships because when you respect yourself and when you show people how to treat you,

You are also showing other people that it's okay for them to set boundaries and for them to be respected.

And you are essentially showing them not only how to treat you,

But showing them what's possible for how they can be treated by other people.

And this is huge.

It's huge.

So I think that overall,

Even though it was scary,

Even though it was hard,

Even though it was honestly a little bit stressful implementing these new boundaries,

So much has changed for the better because I feel better about myself because I feel like I'm being respected by clients.

I've understood myself in a new way too.

So I understand now that I need to honour my boundaries and my commitments first before I expect other people to do the same in return.

And I've understood that like everything in my life and in my business works better when I have these like rock solid boundaries about what is and isn't okay in terms of being treated.

I've really approached this subject today from a business standpoint,

But I think that this goes for any situation.

And I know that I myself have some seriously shitty boundaries and some big work that I need to do in terms of personal relationships and the way that I let people treat me,

Especially partners.

And when I'm in a relationship like my boundaries get like so,

So,

So,

So shaky,

Like a stiff breeze could knock them over.

And like that's definitely something that I'm working on.

So I feel like I'll probably talk about this again on the podcast in like another way.

But for now,

I felt like this was really important in terms of like work.

And I think that everything that I've said could be applied to like relationships as well.

But there's also something to be said for that like intimacy and that level of connection and how much more difficult it can be to set a healthy boundary with someone who's like,

For example,

An emotional vampire or someone who's super toxic.

But when you love somebody or when you're in a very,

Very close relationship to set healthy boundaries,

I would encourage you to take what I've said today and see how you can best implement it in your life.

But remember that setting healthy boundaries is you respecting,

Loving and honoring yourself.

And there is never a time where that is not OK.

There is never a time where loving yourself,

Respecting yourself and honoring yourself is a bad thing ever.

And you cannot hurt somebody by loving yourself.

And if you do,

I think that then that relationship really needs to be analyzed,

Because if someone is offended or someone is hurt by you honoring yourself,

Then I think question and a conversation needs to be had about why you're wanting that person in your life in the first place.

Because that is what we're here for.

We are here to love ourselves first,

To give love and to receive love in return.

That's pretty much it.

And you can even look at this in terms of money,

Because money is energy and it's another form of love.

It's love in a different shape,

But it's still love.

And that is the whole purpose of why we're here.

And so if you are settling for less than that,

And if you're not honoring yourself,

You're doing yourself a massive disservice,

And also doing the person that you're allowing to treat you that way,

A massive disservice.

So yeah,

I'm just going to recap some steps that I took in case you want to hear them again.

And hopefully they serve you.

So I got really clear about my boundaries,

And I made those boundaries clear to other people.

And by doing that,

I implemented them.

I reinforced old boundaries and in some ways set up new ones as well.

I understood that I had to honor these boundaries first.

I have to honor my commitments.

I have to show up in a way that I think is appropriate before I can ask other people to show up 100%.

And I had to recognize my own self-worth and realize that like,

I deserve to be honored.

My boundaries deserve to be respected.

I deserve love.

I am good enough.

So those are kind of the four steps.

And then I talked a little bit about some benefits which are increased levels of self-respect and self-confidence,

Increased levels of respect from other people and just better relationships overall.

I really hope that everything I've talked about here has served you and I really hope that you get some value out of this.

As always,

I'd love to connect with you.

I'd love to hear more.

So if you want to know more about me,

You can check out my website,

Which is www.

Candicealacia.

Com.

You can find me on Instagram at Candice Alacia and on Facebook at Candice Alacia Coaching.

And if you're interested in working through some boundary issues with me one on one,

Please know that I do have some coaching spaces available.

You can find out more information about that on my website.

And I also want to share that I do create bespoke packages for people.

So whatever it is that you want to work on and whatever amount of support you need,

Know that I can be there for you.

And I am willing to collaborate and create a coaching package that serves you.

So just reach out and let's have a chat.

As always,

I love you guys.

I hope this serves you.

I hope you get so much juiciness out of this and I can't wait to connect and talk to you next time on the podcast.

Reviews

Wow! Thank you for the reminder that I am enough. No longer will I allow others in my life who value disrespecting me more than they value respecting me. So powerful!