Having Respectful Conversations During The Holidays

This episode is less of a how-to and more of a call to action. It’s about helping you realize the power of having a plan in place to deal with any tough topics that might come up during the holiday season or any gathering with loved ones. It also encourages you to focus on your own energy and the person that you want to be in these situations rather than on the actions of others. And it wouldn’t be my podcast without a very personal story thrown in the mix.

I hope this episode helps guide you navigate what can be a beautiful but challenging time of year and reminds you that everything you need is always within you.

PS. This is a part of a mini-series and references the episode "Preparing for the holiday season" which you can find ⁠here on Insight Timer. ⁠

Transcript

Hello and welcome to another episode of the Wild Freewell podcast.

I'm your host Alacia and I'm really looking forward to diving into what I think will be a relatively quick episode.

This is an expansion on something I mentioned in the previous episode which was about preparing for the holiday season and what I really want to dive into today is talking about having respectful and open conversations with friends and family during this holiday season.

So why this is so important right now,

I feel like the global political climate that we find ourselves in,

Regardless of what side of things you're on,

Is complex.

The global situation,

Whether that be the wars,

The elections,

The various elections because there's elections taking place here in Europe,

There's obviously the presidential election that happened in the states and there's a lot of you know news,

There's a lot of information circling,

There's a lot of opinions circling always but especially when it comes to politics and I really want to have this conversation because when we are in kind of,

I'm going to use this term,

Please take it with a setting which is typical around the holidays right like we spend time with people who are related to us by blood or perhaps family that we choose,

It really doesn't matter but we will most likely be at one point or another in one setting or another in the midst of people who do not share the same opinion as us and this does not need to be a bad thing.

I would actually go as far to say as it's a good thing.

I think it's a really really good thing.

So I need to preface this by saying as well that I love having the hard conversations.

I love talking about you know the big taboos which would be money,

Sex,

Religion and politics with people who do not share my point of view.

I think it's massively important.

I have friends and clients who sit on the other end of the political spectrum to me and not just political spectrum but on the other end of the spectrum you know in every sense of the way.

You know I have in every sense of the word.

I have friends who you know are exploring different ways of relating,

Different ways of engaging in relationships with people in the world like sexual relationships I should say to be clear.

You know I have friends who are on other ends of the political spectrum to me.

I have different people in my life who share different religious backgrounds like my partner is quite religious,

His family is quite religious.

I come from a you know a Catholic background and I don't necessarily consider myself to be a Catholic.

I don't subscribe to that particular label necessarily.

I have faith,

I have my beliefs but it doesn't necessarily tie into religion.

So I'm often surrounded by people who have a differing view of these you know kind of big four topics and I love that.

I really really love that.

Actually I wasn't gonna this is not where I was going with this conversation but just to kind of highlight this like my partner and as I've said is Catholic and like we go to church together.

It is not my favorite hour of the week but I always go there with an open mind and an open heart really hoping to take something away and sometimes what I take away is you know a conversation where my partner and I dive deeper into the ways that this doesn't necessarily align with my viewpoint or with my beliefs or in other ways with like what even what he believes right like sometimes we we go to church and we kind of leave thinking hmm that was interesting.

Not really maybe what we were kind of hoping for or looking to get from it but it also like opens up a conversation and these are conversations that we're willing to have and that I think are necessary for us to have as a couple if we are planning on raising children because if religion is important for him and it's decidedly less so for me but spirituality is very important to me open-mindedness is very important to me so how can we bridge those two and bring them together and I the reason why I'm bringing this up is because when we are in a holiday setting it's likely that we're going to come across somebody who has different religious beliefs than we do or who has different political views than we do and these conversations if they're approached in a really you know kind of positive and open way can be very very expansive the reason why I love these conversations so much is because I feel like I'm enlightened when I have conversations with somebody who challenges me because they require me I don't want to say they force me because we're not under any obligation to change the way that we do things or view the world but they definitely require me to be open to seeing things from another perspective and and then they challenge me too to stay open and be willing to change and be willing to see things from another point of view in my case in particular I really feel like my viewpoint on things is not necessarily fixed I try to keep it open because for me it's really important to understand why people believe what they believe in particular I want to know why what they believe or how what they believe serves them or how it fills them up so in the case of my partner and like religion in this case like I want to know why this path really filled him up how he got connected to it because he actually came into it I mean he's he was baptized catholic from as a baby but he came back to religion later in life and so I want to know why like what led him to that and from that space if I'm able to listen to what they have to say and kind of run it through my own belief system I can see what resonates and I can expand beyond what I originally thought was possible for me expanding on this too like recently I've had some very interesting political conversations with friends that have really opened my mind in a big way because it's allowed me to see that some of the things I believed to be true were not necessarily as I'm gonna say quote-unquote big-hearted as I thought they were I don't know if it's necessary to get into the details of this like I don't know if my political leanings are necessarily relevant to the podcast but this experience in particular this conversation where someone was on the opposite side of me really like highlighted by having opinions that directly oppose mine you know it really highlighted like it was super beneficial because it called me out and it asked me to see things yet again from another perspective and I really feel like it's important in going forward that we remember that we can stand our ground and we can still be respectful we can have differing opinions and we can still get along we can believe what we are called to believe and still hold place hold space sorry for the beliefs of others by knowing that we're all doing the best that we can now I'm going to also share an ultra personal story years ago I don't remember how long it was I was back in my hometown in Canada and I was having a conversation with my family and someone in my family made an incredibly racist remark and I really really really got mad now I didn't get mad and start yelling I got mad and I said very directly you do not speak like that in front of me there is nothing about what you've said that is okay now we can get into a conversation about freedom of speech and how everyone is entitled to their opinion and I totally agree with that in fact I talk all the time about how there is no such thing as one truth and that is something that we're definitely going to have to take into consideration as we move into the holiday season and we potentially find ourselves in triggering situations and being a part of triggering conversations everyone has their own truth and their own way of viewing the world and I still think that there are some things that are morally and ethically incorrect there are words especially racial slurs that we just should not use they add no value to the world they do not actively explain a situation they do not describe anything they were words that were created to harm and offend and I see no value in them whatsoever now this is my truth I struggle to see how there's an alternative here where it's okay to use racial slurs but perhaps some people grew up with it and they think it's just a word and whatever and we also have to hold space for those people that being said there is a time and a place for you to really stand your ground and kind of call out what is inappropriate behavior because there is nothing wrong with what that person thinks they're entitled to their own opinion they're entitled to think what they want they're entitled to believe differently about than you about whatever topic but there is no space in my world where people will use racial slurs in front of me because you can think it and you can believe whatever you want and you can still think and believe those things without actively using those words in front of me because I don't tolerate that because to me it screams of injustice and it screams of ignorance to actively use a word that was designed to harm someone in whatever form and so I think that it's really important to to get really clear on how you feel about not even how you feel about things that's the wrong way to say this it's really important to get clear on how you're going to respond if something happens we know our families well right we've lived our whole lives with them we know our friends well we know when there's someone who's going to say something that triggers us and so it's really important to have a strategy in place for how you're going to deal with this so there are a lot of things that people can say people can make racial comments or they can make um you know politically diverse comments to what I believe and I can let that go and that doesn't matter but for me my personal line in the sand is the use of racial slurs is the use of specific terms that are derogatory and I just think wholly inappropriate in any and every situation that is my line in the sand so I know that if someone says to me something like oh this political leader is wonderful or this political leader is terrible that to me is irrelevant because like cool that you think that I would actually would like to have a conversation about why you feel that way like tell me a little bit more um but if somebody is going to use a term to describe somebody then that would be my line in the sand where I would say okay you know that's not okay and I'm going to stand up and I'm going to stand my ground there is something to be said though about these conversations like they are so beautiful when they are beneficial and productive and it's obvious that not all of these conversations are not beneficial and productive because it's only that way if both sides are willing to have an open conversation and I think it's important to keep in mind too that we shouldn't be approaching these difficult conversations as something to fear now everyone's like experience of this is really different I have grown up in a family where I have always expressed my opinions I have I mean I actively go against a lot of what other people in my family believe to be true and that isn't necessarily a problem for me or for them potentially it's not an issue in our family like my um my political views are different than my grandfather's you know my my views on work and productivity are different than my grandfather's we can have a conversation about that because I want to hear what he has to say if he wants to hear what I have to say if we are not having an open conversation there is no sense in conversing in the first place I have no intention and this is another really important point I have no intention of trying to change someone's opinion that is a colossal waste of my time and I feel like it should be true for other people as well but it isn't necessarily people often enter into these conversations specifically about the four taboos I mentioned sex money politics and religion with the intention of converting people I am not going to convert you into seeing things the way that I see them I want you to see things the way that you see them and I want you to be in a space where you feel free to express yourself and I can hold space for that as long as I am also free to express myself and you can hold space for that right that is the most important part so many fruitful and opening and opening in the sense like they crack you open like they force you to see things and the world from a different point of view are so so so important like I love having these conversations with people because it always changes me a little bit I always walk away a little bit richer for having a conversation with somebody who believes something completely different than I do and there have been instances where we've had I've had difficult conversations with people about difficult topics and because I've said the right thing at the right time it's caused them to reflect even if they didn't want to before and not with the intention of convincing them but if we're having a conversation or a healthy debate and I'm sharing my opinion and my opinion differs from yours there is always the possibility that I could say something that makes you think about something differently I feel like even the podcast is kind of an example of that isn't it like we're here having these somewhat one-sided conversations sure um about how you know this is how I view the world and I'm always inviting you to question me always inviting you to run things through how you how you live and how you view the world and see if this makes more sense if it fits if it makes it seem easier or if it helps you in some way and if it doesn't throw it out like that's that's how it has to be right but we can learn so much when we're having these conversations that are just not what we expected to have um I just we we gain nothing by closing ourselves off in our little bubble and engaging only with those people who believe what we believe we are constantly called to growth when we are in a situation that makes us somewhat uncomfortable not uncomfortable like I was describing about like the you know having the conversation with somebody in my family and there was like a racial comment that was made or a racial slur was used that is not for me a productive discomfort that is not something that like I can see the other person's point of view because for me it's just so inappropriate but if for example I'm having a conversation about politics and my friend says to me well did you ever think about it from this point of view and actually I hadn't and this conversation happened very recently with with a friend of mine and it's changed completely the way that I view certain aspects of politics because I was willing to kind of be taught I was willing to be open and to see things from the point of view of of someone who on paper I do not agree with um we're we're really close but but on paper we do not have we do not see eye to eye on things um and so yeah there's always always always room to grow right and these conversations can help us with that if we allow them to so this was more of like a perspective shift this this is not really like a huge like tips and tricks episode like the way they normally are um but I really wanted to put some of this out there to encourage you to be all of who you are be respectful be open and be willing to be cracked open and be willing to have the hard conversations if necessary be willing to say the thing that no one wants to hear if necessary and to really stand up for people especially if that's something that's important to you or important in the situation that you find yourself in and to not necessarily worry to stand up about to stand up for yourself I know that sounds really counterintuitive because we talk so much about self-care and we talk so much about self-confidence but I really wanted to mention this as well and honestly I forgot I'm glad it came up naturally now because I was on my way out uh but actually there's one more point I wanted to make which is these conversations say absolutely nothing about who you are as a person okay but your response to these conversations do now I am not encouraging people to be activists if they don't want to be that's not what I mean what I mean is you're at dinner with Uncle Bob that was the name I used in the last episode you're at dinner with Uncle Bob and Uncle Bob is really starting in on his like um he's starting in on his like political diatribe and he's talking about all of his beliefs and stuff like that that behavior says something about Uncle Bob it doesn't say anything about you your response to Uncle Bob is what says something about you okay and what I mean by that is you choosing to respond with love with respect with kindness or even choosing to walk away in some instances it's kind of like a shoulder shoulder shrug kind of like oh Uncle Bob sort of thing and you just walk away because there is no sense in having a conversation when somebody has decided that they're decided right if somebody has made up their mind to believe what they believe and they are not willing to see things differently it's pointless and entering into an argument in that case with somebody who is not willing to have an open conversation is a waste of your time it is a waste of your energy and you fighting in those situations says so much more about you than it does about Uncle Bob Uncle Bob's got his own business to deal with right and you've got yours and the only thing that we are ever ever ever in control of is ourselves how we react how we behave the thoughts we think the beliefs we believe the actions that we take right mindset right there that is the only thing we are ever in control of so we kind of also have to be in a position where we're okay with letting Uncle Bob be the way he is and just kind of going from there right so um sorry about that little intro there my phone started ringing um but yeah I hope this episode was useful to you I hope that you have such an incredibly peaceful holiday season and that you find a way to find love in your heart for all people including those that don't agree with you and um that you're willing to be cracked open and have the hard conversations and allow yourself to see things from a different perspective even if it's not what you expected it would be okay if you have any questions comments critiques concerns you know where to find me please leave a message or a comment or you know subscribe or follow and all that good stuff I'm sending you so so much love and I can't wait to see you on the next episode of the podcast.

Ciao!