How can you feel you love yourself enough so you don't want a partner to complete you?
Let's begin with why you feel like you need a partner in the first place.
Because as you will see,
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you for wanting a partner.
The need to be in a close relationship is embedded in our genes.
We have been programmed by evolution to single out a few specific individuals in our lives and make them precious to us.
We have been bred to be dependent on a significant other.
Genetic selection favored people who have been attached because it proved a survival advantage.
In prehistoric times,
People who relied on themselves and had no one to protect them were more likely to end up as prey.
Those who were with someone who deeply cared about them survived to pass on to their offspring the preference to form an intimate bond with another.
This is the plight of the modern woman.
We feel like we have to prove that we don't need a man.
And it all starts and ends with safety.
Testosterone,
The fuel for the masculine,
Causes a huge difference between men and women.
The density of a man's muscles and their bone structure make them much stronger than a woman,
Regardless of their size.
You could have a tall woman encounter a shorter and skinnier man,
But her testosterone meter will still view him as a potential threat.
As women,
We are constantly aware of whether we are safe or not.
And this explains much of our behavior.
Anytime something is perceived as a threat that may or may not actually be a threat,
We experience tension.
Something is out of place in your environment?
Tension.
Someone chops the veggies different than you?
Tension.
A man enters a room?
Tension.
As women,
We naturally lack a large amount of testosterone in our bodies.
We are the delicate of sex.
Being delicate brings out all the things our partners love about us.
We are soft and mysterious.
It is what allows us to connect to nature and the heavens so effortlessly.
It is what grants us insight into the nuances of interpersonal relationships.
It is what opens us up to possibilities.
Being delicate also has the effect of dependency.
Most women hate this.
Our instincts are saying,
Find someone bigger and stronger who can protect me.
I need a provider.
I need a protector.
This can be an emotional rollercoaster for most women because at the same time,
Our rational brain is saying,
Hello,
Excuse me,
You have four degrees.
You have thousands of dollars in credit.
You have multiple million-dollar skills.
You've had the right to vote for a hundred years.
Rationally,
You and I are self-sufficient.
And yet our biology is screaming at us,
Urging us to find a mate with the not-so-subtle subtext that we are dependent.
It causes tension in relationships.
These instincts cause us to analyze every potential mate from the standpoint of,
Would they be a good provider and protector?
From the instinctual point of view,
This translates to bigger,
Stronger,
And has more resources.
Example,
I come to you and say,
All right,
My love,
I have a great person I want to set you up with.
Your first questions are probably along the lines of how tall is this person,
I.
E.
Checking for their ability to protect you,
Or what does this person do for a living,
I.
E.
Checking their ability to provide for you.
Yet you rationally know,
Wait a second,
I don't need protection.
I took a self-defense class and I carry pepper spray.
I don't need provided for.
I make a comfortable six figures a year.
Our instincts and our rational side are completely at odds here.
There is nothing that turns this off.
There is never enough.
It's never,
Okay,
Phew,
I have a million dollars,
I don't need to be provided for.
It's I have a million dollars,
My partner should have three.
You could be surrounded by incredible abundance and your instincts will still say,
Gather,
Gather,
Gather.
Triggers will still cause tension,
Hormones will still flood your brain and your body and you will start acting out until you perceive that the threat has subsided.
We have the same sensitivity to this that we had 10,
000 years ago.
These actions are not conscious choices and one of these actions is our drive to seek a partner with enough testosterone that will make us feel secure.
You feel like you need a partner because of that underlying tension.
Your instincts see being alone as a huge threat.
Once we do find a partner,
The instincts do not subside,
They simply change.
Needing a partner evolves to feeling needy in your relationship,
Becoming manipulative,
Never thinking you are attractive enough,
And anxiety.
While we can change the way we show up in all relationships and choose to invest our resources more wisely,
We cannot eliminate the need for companionship and connection because it's inherently human.
So start giving yourself some grace for the desire of closeness and relationship.
We were not made to be alone.
Your desire for a relationship is not a reflection of how much or little you love yourself.
Your desire for a relationship is not a reflection of how much or little you love yourself.
