Exploring Anger | How To Feel And Release Anger

Anger is not a problem to fix – it’s a powerful emotion with something to teach us. In this short talk on anger, we'll explore how to acknowledge our anger. And why it's important to sense and feel the body, rather than be with stories in the mind. Instead of being in a spiral of shame or blame, when we take responsibility for our anger - meeting it with curiosity and compassion - we can learn from it.

This talk is for anyone who struggles with emotional reactivity, shame around anger, or simply wants to build a healthier relationship with this often misunderstood emotion. When we learn how to process anger consciously and safely, we can uncover the wisdom underneath.

Transcript

Welcome,

My name is Bryony Gunson and in this session we are going to be exploring how to acknowledge anger.

Because anger,

Like every emotion,

Is our body's way of telling us that something matters,

Something in this moment needs our attention.

But the emotion of anger can be a tricky one.

For many of us,

Learning how to express anger in a safe,

Healthy and conscious way,

That wasn't modelled to us as children.

And in day to day life,

We'll all have moments where anger surges.

Perhaps when someone's crossed a boundary,

Or a classic place is being in traffic and someone cutting us up,

We're just witnessing some frustrating behaviour.

Sometimes it could be something really small that seems to provoke a strong reaction.

And in that moment,

From that trigger,

The anger that arises,

It could feel righteous,

It could feel very justified,

Even necessary.

When we act in anger,

Especially when we're in a reactive state,

Not long afterwards,

Sometimes soon after,

Sometimes it takes a while for us to settle down and reflect,

But we can feel the aftershocks.

We might notice feeling waves of regret,

Of shame,

Of embarrassment,

Of blame.

Maybe we flip-flop between blaming ourselves and then blaming someone or something else for our outburst.

We may even get angry at ourselves for being angry.

So then,

It is because of our complex relationship to anger that we can end up mentally spiralling.

That we can end up often feeling more confused about what's truly going on for us.

An important fact here is that there are no bad emotions.

And when we label anger as being bad or wrong,

It creates resistance to acknowledging it or feeling it.

And when we ignore and push down our anger,

When we suppress that,

The emotional charge simmers away in the background.

And this is when eventually it either comes out sideways in unintended consequences,

Or it may really boil over in an explosive moment.

And this is where our anger can end up being thrown at people who are caught in the crossfire.

We may end up being aggressive towards people where we really didn't mean to.

It's very challenging then to try to be compassionate to ourselves when we have been acting in ways where deep down we do know better.

And we would have wanted to have acted differently.

So this is why we want to learn how to notice our anger.

Because it is unconscious anger that wounds,

That hurts.

When we're able to consciously identify and notice that anger arising,

That's when we're able to tune into the deeper messages that are here.

Like has there a boundary that's been crossed?

Is there something that you value and want to protect that's at risk?

Is there some part of you that loves you deeply,

That no longer will stand for what is happening,

Suddenly emerging in the moment to be assertive?

We could even see anger as a beautiful emotion when it is wielded with conscious awareness.

When we're able to express that in healthy and embodied ways.

A key part of learning how to work with our anger and learning how to work with any emotion is our ability to drop into the body and start to become aware of body sensations.

When we hear people saying about learning to feel our feelings,

This is what it is.

It is learning to be present to the arising physical phenomena that are unfolding moment to moment within the physical body itself.

This could come through with pressure,

Body temperature changes,

Tension,

Heat,

Prickliness.

And often there can be a lot of mental noise,

There can be a lot of stories going on in the mind.

And when we are not able to work with our mind and learn how to cease the intensity of that mental chatter,

This is where like a fire raging,

Other things can start to catch fire around it.

Perhaps you can relate to a time in your life where you have allowed yourself to get worked up.

That there's one thing that you felt upset or angry about and then sometime later you're pulling other things onto the metaphorical fire.

And then soon enough everything in some way is creating a problem or as a threat or as a challenge.

So we also want to learn how to identify the thoughts in our mind and the particular patterns that can be there.

And how quick each of us to a greater or lesser extent can want to play the victim or to blame others.

Now this is not to in any way diminish the very real pain that may be here,

Nor is it to sidestep the sense of injustice that may be here as well.

We want to recognize that when we allow ourselves to stay stuck in these cycles of blame and shame and victimhood,

We stop ourselves from being able to move through it and grow from these experiences.

But before we can truly let our anger go,

It needs and it wants to be acknowledged.

And the longer that we suppress that emotion and that mood,

Over a period of say weeks,

Months or even years,

It can start to become a learned personality trait.

I'm sure you may be able to relate to meeting people who come across as bitter.

And that can be a sign of a lot of anger that's been turned inward and not been outwardly expressed.

So we want to really practice giving ourselves permission to explore and express anger in healthy and in conscious ways.

Being also diligent to protect ourselves and others from further hurt.

We do this by taking full responsibility for our emotional charge,

For the emotions that are arising within ourselves at this moment.

We are not in control of other people's behaviors,

Emotional responses,

Belief systems and thoughts.

Our interactions with others may provoke very strong reactions within ourselves.

And we want to continue to stay curious about what our emotions mean for us.

Because when we make space for our emotions,

And instead of shaming them,

Making them bad or wrong,

If we're able to have compassion and curiosity for the parts of us that are hurting,

We're able to learn more about what it is we truly need in this moment.

Our emotions then are like signposts,

They're clues.

It's like a breadcrumb trail that we can follow within ourselves to uncover more of what is truly here in this moment.

So instead of taking a metaphorical hammer of shame and blame to our anger,

And looking to suppress it or remove it,

Make it go away,

What if instead we took a torch or a flashlight of compassion and curiosity to try to understand what is really here?

Why is the anger here?

If this anger had a message for you,

What would it be?

So we want to learn how to work with the body and to be present to sensations,

And our breath is the gateway into the body.

And we also want to learn how to work with the mind through practices of meditation,

Learning the skill of the witnessing awareness.

To activate metacognition,

The ability to see and witness our own thoughts.

When we are in a stress response,

And when we are in the high emotion of the moment,

It can be nearly impossible to activate this type of awareness.

So it's often only afterwards,

With time and reflection,

That we can truly begin to see what else was moving for us in that moment,

When anger may have been dominating the proceedings.

So I'll invite you to continue to meet your anger with curiosity,

Shifting your perspective from what's wrong with me to I wonder what this is showing me.

And when we witness anger in others,

Can we also be curious about what may be moving for them at a deeper level?

What is their anger truly trying to show you?

What is it that you feel they really need?

Now we can't truly know what's going on for someone unless we ask.

So the invitation here is to continue to focus your attention on yourself.

And I want to celebrate you for having the courage to explore the emotion of anger.

Because it truly is a very powerful emotion.

And when we zoom out to observe humans at a broader scale and our behaviors within societies and countries,

We can see the damage that is done because of unconscious anger.

Diving into anger,

Though,

Doesn't have to be all about discomfort.

Because when we allow ourselves to be present with emotions like anger,

We actually expand our capacity to feel everything.

Because when we focus on body sensations,

Not stories in the mind,

We're activating more of our felt sense.

This is our ability to feel and sense body sensations.

And our emotions and how they manifest physically in the body,

We can sense them through physical sensations.

So then,

When you make more space to feel your anger,

You automatically are making more space and improving your capacity to feel your joy.

When you're on this journey of reconnecting to your anger,

It's likely you're going to meet layers of resistance.

There may be fear there,

There could be confusion.

We're practicing normalizing the full human experience,

Welcoming in and being compassionate to all aspects of ourselves,

The roles that they play.

I'll leave you with a final acknowledgement that the human experience is a wild ride,

Can be very tricky and often has many contrasts.

For example,

We can love people deeply and also feel angry with them at the same time.

One does not take away from the other.

We can say no and have a clear boundary and still feel a lot of compassion for someone.

And in fact,

By honoring our no and expressing that,

We give permission for others to do the same too.

By learning to feel our anger and taking responsibility for it,

We can receive the message that is there within that anger.

And it's from that place of understanding,

We are truly able to let go and or to use that anger in constructive ways.

Remember,

You are not your anger.

There is no such thing as an angry person.

But our anger does want to be listened to.

So I wish you all the best in exploring practices that bring you closer to this very powerful part of you.

Thank you for making space for yourself today.

Reviews

Excellent track for understanding such a deep emotion. You are do right when you say you can love someone deeply and yet be angry