The Third Precept : True Love

This is the third in a series of talks on the five precepts. This talk addresses the third precept: abstaining from sensuous, or sexual, misconduct. Aspects of meditation in relation to a practice of the precepts are also reviewed.

Transcript

Good morning.

This is the third in a series of talks about the five precepts as we see them in Buddhist recovery.

In the earlier talks,

I spoke about the first two precepts,

Preserving life and only taking what is freely given.

But we also spoke about the practice of precepts in relation to our meditation practice.

The heart of Buddhist recovery,

Of our sobriety in Buddhist recovery,

Lies in recognizing and healing our own patterns of suffering,

To see them rise and,

As they do,

To mindfully practice non-attachment,

Remembering that these are impermanent,

And to allow our suffering thoughts to pass.

There is an interesting symbiotic relationship between meditation and the practice of precepts.

Through meditation,

We are able to find and heal the hindrances which plague us and live more fully into a precept-led life,

Where we lessen the suffering we bring to others.

And,

As we live in this way,

Our hindrances lessen,

Our meditation deepens,

And our practice of precepts becomes more natural and clear.

As I said two weeks ago,

Precepts are of a somewhat different nature than the parts of the Eightfold Path,

Which offer structures for right living in broad strokes,

Things like right action,

Right view,

And right livelihood.

Precepts,

Remember,

Speak to specific elements of human nature,

Including anger,

Greed,

Ill will,

Our propensity to physical and emotional violence,

Things which are hindrances on our spiritual path,

Defilements which cover our true basic nature,

Which obscure the expression of our own Buddha nature.

Many Buddhists,

And those of us in Buddhist recovery,

Consider the most commonly known set of precepts,

The five precepts.

I undertake to abstain from taking life,

To abstain from taking what is not freely given,

To abstain from sensuous misconduct,

To abstain from false speech,

To abstain from intoxicants,

As tending to cloud the mind.

Living in this way is of benefit to ourselves,

Of course,

But the real strength of precept practice is not simply to aid our own sobriety and awakening through right living,

But to practice in this way that we might help in the sobriety and awakening of others.

In the words of Shanti Deva,

An eighth century Indian Buddhist teacher,

We live with the intention,

Ocean of great good,

That seeks to place all beings in the state of bliss,

And every action for the benefit of all,

Such is my delight and my joy.

I said once before that observing precepts is to live the life of the Buddha,

Observing precepts is to live in our own Buddha nature.

But I've also said that I think this is really only true when we know that living by precepts is directly and undeniably a better way of life for ourselves and others.

And this knowledge is born in us through the realization,

Through the direct experience of two important concepts in Buddhism,

Interdependence and dependent co-arising.

Now interdependence is fairly self-evident,

Where all things are related at the most basic level,

Interconnected.

Independent co-arising,

The idea is that things arise when conditions cause them to arise.

When conditions are supportive,

Things come into being.

When conditions are no longer supportive,

Things go out of being.

This is because that is.

These are because those are.

In a real sense,

We are because our planetary ecosystem is.

Right now,

I am here because you are.

Interdependence and dependent co-arising teach us that everything is linked,

Where no one thing can really be seen as having a separate existence,

Each thing arising in a relationship of co-origination with all other things,

What we often hear termed in Buddhism as emptiness.

Things are empty of a separate self.

With a meditative presence to life,

This connection between all things can become a lived reality,

One which calls us into compassion toward others,

Into a life of right action,

Assured by the practice of precepts,

Assuring that in our thoughts,

Words and deeds,

We strive to lessen the suffering of others,

And in so doing,

Lessen our own suffering.

A practice of precepts is a commitment to observe consciously chosen patterns of action.

The precepts are often listed in simple phrases,

The first being to abstain from taking life.

For our discussions,

We have been using the precepts of the order of interbeing as put forward by Thich Nhat Hanh.

The first precept,

To abstain from taking life,

He retitles reverence for life.

The precept reads,

Aware of the suffering caused by the destruction of life,

I am committed to cultivating compassion and to learn ways to protect the lives of people,

Animals,

Plants and minerals.

I am determined not to kill,

Not to let others kill,

And not to support any act of killing in the world,

In my thinking,

Or in my way of life.

Seeing that harmful actions arise from anger,

Fear,

Greed and intolerance,

I will cultivate openness,

Non-discrimination and non-attachment of views,

In order to transform violence,

Fanaticism and dogmatism in myself and in the world.

The second precept,

To abstain from taking what is not freely given,

Thich Nhat Hanh retitles true happiness.

Aware of the suffering caused by exploitation,

Social injustice,

Stealing and oppression,

I am committed to practicing generosity in my thinking,

Speaking and acting.

I am determined not to steal,

And not to possess anything that should belong to others,

And I will share my time,

Energy and material resources with those who are in need.

I will practice looking deeply to see that the happiness and suffering of others are not separate from my own happiness and suffering.

That true happiness is not possible without understanding and compassion,

And that running after wealth,

Fame,

Power and sensual pleasures can bring much suffering and despair.

I am aware that happiness depends on my mental attitude and not on external conditions,

And I can live happily in the present moment,

Simply by remembering that I already have more than enough conditions to be happy.

I am committed to practicing right livelihood,

So that I can help reduce the suffering of living beings on earth.

The third precept,

To abstain from sensuous or sexual misconduct,

Thich Nhat Hanh retitles as true love.

Aware of the suffering caused by sexual misconduct,

I am committed to cultivating responsibility and learning ways to protect the safety and integrity of individuals,

Couples,

Families and society.

Knowing that sexual desire in and of itself is not love,

And that sexual activity motivated by craving can harm myself as well as others,

I am determined not to engage in sexual relations without true love,

And a deep,

Long-term commitment made known to my family and friends.

I will do everything in my power to protect children from sexual abuse,

And to prevent couples and families from being broken by sexual misconduct.

Seeing that body and mind are one,

I am committed to learning appropriate ways to take care of my sexual energy,

And to cultivating loving-kindness,

Passion,

Joy and inclusiveness,

Which are the four basic elements of true love,

For my greater happiness and the greater happiness of others.

Practicing true love,

We know that we will continue beautifully into the future.

Learning how to practice true love.

And what is true love?

How does Thich Nhat Hanh define this?

As cultivating responsibility to protect the safety and integrity of individuals,

Couples,

Families and society.

Now this is not necessarily about romantic love.

What it is about is how we approach others in relationship,

Intimate or otherwise.

Thich Nhat Hanh writes,

True love is not the feeling you have when you think you can't be without another person,

Or feeling like your own being.

The worthiness of your life is based in the acceptance and presence of someone else.

Instead,

He says,

The third precept,

True love,

Reminds us that to love is to see people from a place of understanding and compassion for who they are.

And this seeing,

This understanding is unavoidable when we consider the interdependent connection that we all share.

If our joy and suffering is bound up with the joy and suffering of others,

Then we can't exclude another person from our own happiness and suffering.

The safety and integrity of the other person is our own safety and integrity.

The body and mind of our loved one is a sacred space,

Thich Nhat Hanh teaches us,

That needs to be respected.

Only then can there be true love.

And I would postulate that the real challenge of precept practice is to view all beings as loved ones,

Something that can be very hard,

Especially today.

But in observing precepts,

In abstaining from taking life,

From taking what is not freely given,

From sexual misconduct,

From false speech,

And from indulging intoxicants,

We can bring our true selves into relationship with others,

With all others,

With everyone.

Our compassionate practice of precepts can't be just for some,

It can't be just for those we choose,

Or for those we feel are worth it or deserving.

Our compassion has to be for everyone,

Or it's not genuine precept practice.

And so we need tools,

Which leads us to the four brahmaviharas,

Sometimes called the four immeasurable minds.

The first is loving kindness,

Which in Pali is maitri.

This word has the same Sanskrit root as the word meaning friend.

Loving kindness is love at its most basic level,

Deep friendship.

To be a friend means to offer kindness to someone else.

The author Alan Wallace says that loving kindness begins with ourselves,

Each one of us.

The root of our yearning for happiness,

To be free of suffering,

Is a fundamental expression of our own buddha nature.

We turn ourselves away from the ways we stray from happiness,

And we come back to our wish to be happy.

And when we do,

We find that the very source of our yearning for happiness is our buddha nature wanting to realize itself,

Wanting to express itself in kindness toward others.

The second of the brahmaviharas is compassion in Pali,

Karuna.

But the word compassion is perhaps not the best translation for the Pali word karuna.

In the word compassion,

The prefix kam,

C-o-m,

Means together,

And passion means to suffer.

Therefore,

To be compassionate literally means to suffer together with the other person.

But karuna is our capacity to relieve suffering,

Whether it's the suffering in yourself or in someone else.

Karuna teaches us that we have that capacity,

And we can find it through the practice of mindful breathing and looking deeply into our own suffering,

Understanding its nature and its causes.

Thich Nhat Hanh wrote,

Compassion is born from understanding.

When you feel compassion for yourself through self-understanding,

You can understand and feel compassion for others and help ease their suffering.

And Alan Wallace wrote,

Just as loving kindness is the heart that longs for the well-being of one's self and others,

The nature of compassion is simply the heartfelt wish that all beings may be free of suffering,

And the sources of suffering.

The third Brahma-vahara is joy,

Sometimes called sympathetic joy or sharing in the joy of others.

In our meditation,

We often find contentment,

Joy,

A gladdening of the mind,

And we can bring this joy and happiness to others by being glad for their own well-being,

Sharing in their life with joy.

To do this,

We may need to release our attachments to ideas about the way things should be,

The way someone else should be.

We need to practice non-attachment to the stories we keep telling ourselves,

To our habitual ways of thinking.

And when we can do this,

We see others with fresh eyes,

Clear eyes,

And we reach out with the desire to share in what we see.

The fourth Brahma-vahara is equanimity.

The Pali term upeka is often translated as equanimity.

Thich Nhat Hanh uses the word inclusiveness.

Alan Wallace uses impartiality.

Either way,

The thought is that in true love,

You don't exclude anyone.

There's no longer any distinction between others or between yourself and other.

Happiness is no longer a matter of individuality,

Nor is suffering.

In light of dependent co-origination,

You and another person are the same person.

Their suffering is your own suffering,

Their happiness your own happiness.

Thich Nhat Hanh wrote,

True love is like the shining sun.

The sun is sufficient in itself.

It offers light to everyone.

It doesn't say,

I only want to offer light to this one person.

It doesn't exclude anyone.

The practice of equanimity teaches us to integrate all of these practices,

Loving kindness,

Compassion,

Shared joy.

We practice equanimity to develop an even sense regarding others.

And this really is indispensable if we want to open the heart completely and offer loving kindness,

Compassion,

And joy from a place of real,

Balanced engagement with the presets.