Healing Invalidation With Self-Validation (Talk And Meditation)

Some of us innocently grew up without the allowance of a nonjudgemental emotional space. The ability to safely allow our emotions to be seen, felt and released. This can cause feelings of invalidation, being misunderstood and alone in our experience. We have the power to bring this to the light, transmute it and call in the healing power of self-validation. Jamie explains what this is in her empowering talk and then takes us through a healing meditation to find freedom.

Transcript

So excited.

I've been talking about this all week.

I want to talk about invalidation and self-validation.

So my good friend David Goundleman,

We did a retreat together a couple years ago and then he was teaching for the Den for a while.

Whenever I was with him,

He would do lessons,

He would always talk about invalidation,

Which I'm going to read to you guys what it means.

Okay,

So by definition,

Invalidation is the process of denying,

Rejecting,

Or dismissing someone's feelings.

Invalidation sends the message that a person's subjective emotional experience is inaccurate,

Insignificant,

And or unacceptable.

Invalidation is one of the most damaging forms of emotional abuse and it can make the recipient feel like they're going crazy.

What's scary,

It can be one of the most subtle and unintentional abuses.

The invalidated person may often leave a conversation feeling confused and full of self-doubt.

So I just wanted to bring this into conversation this week into the light because you know how you hear stuff so many times and it doesn't really kind of ring true?

Well for me,

Yeah,

I'd heard this word so many times and David talked about it a lot of times and I'm like,

Why is that a big thing?

Until the other day,

I was feeling really angry and my,

And in his,

Look,

We are all human,

But my boyfriend said to me,

Stop being angry.

And it made me angrier.

I was like,

No!

And I remember saying,

I was acting like a child having a temper tantrum.

I was like,

Stop trying to control how I'm feeling.

Like,

Just let me be.

You guys know that feeling?

And if we're raised,

Like look,

It's all innocent,

It's all innocent,

But we are raised in a society that has a phobia.

One of my teachers calls it,

He made up this phrase,

But he calls it emotophobia,

Fear of emotions.

We're all so uncomfortable to feel and we're so uncomfortable to be in front of other people who feel.

Especially like if you look at parents with kids or people around kids,

We're so quick to say,

It's okay.

You don't have to be sad,

Stop being sad.

Or you don't have to be so angry instead of allowing,

Just allowing them to have their experience.

Now here's the thing with validation and invalidation.

Validation doesn't necessarily mean I agree with what you're,

With what's coming through your experience,

With the thinking and the feelings.

It just means I see you,

I see that you're having an emotional experience.

You exist,

You're not alone in this.

And I'm going to give you space,

Or I'm giving you permission to have space to allow it to exist.

Because for me growing up,

Like I had one side of the family that was so uncomfortable with emotions.

So the second I would say,

I actually just had this experience,

We had a death in the family on that side.

And I called,

You know,

Some of my family members and asked them how they were doing.

And they changed the topic immediately.

And I was so taken aback because it's like I was just,

My emotions were like,

Like inside.

And I couldn't have space for them or share them because of this discomfort of my family.

But luckily,

Which is why I want to bring this talk and this conversation to the light is,

If that happens to you or that happened to you,

Just know that it isn't about you.

When we're little,

We take this on,

We take this personally.

We put our self-worth in it.

We think that there's a problem with our sadness or our grief or our anger or our joy.

Even our laughter.

People are uncomfortable with our happiness and they can't share in it or they're uncomfortable with our love.

That's a big one.

A lot of people are uncomfortable by you loving them.

It,

You can pick up and feel this uncomfortable energy from them.

And so you,

You go,

Oh shoot,

I need to shut that down.

I need to change that.

Because your experience was invalidated.

Meaning totally misunderstood,

Didn't give space for it to be here and exist.

And then you feel alone.

So the cool thing about energy,

The cool thing about feelings is,

And we talk,

I talk about this every class,

Is that it's temporary.

It's transient.

It moves.

And all it wants is for us to see it,

For us to bear witness to it,

For us to give it space to exist.

And that's the cool thing about self-validation.

When we,

So self-validation,

Allowing ourselves to see ourselves,

To hear ourselves.

And here's the kicker,

Whether we believe or agree with the thoughts that are coming through our head or not,

We give them space to exist.

So for me as a healer,

I didn't know this in the beginning of my journey.

And I thought the name of the game was to fix my emotions.

I'm better than this.

I shouldn't be this angry.

Eckhart Tolle is not this angry.

And I need to get to that level.

And,

You know,

If it's,

If you're feeling ashamed or this or that,

There's something that you can do to work on it or fix it.

And that does not get you anywhere.

That is what we resist persists.

So when anger comes,

When shame comes,

When joy comes,

It is meant to be here,

To be witnessed,

To be seen,

To not be judged.

That's why we do mindfulness.

That's why we meditate,

Right?

To have non-judgment on our thinking.

It's meant to come have an experience and leave.

Come have an experience and leave.

So what happens is when we're little and,

You know,

We don't even get a chance when we're young,

It's judged for us.

Our subconscious mind starts to pick up and go,

Oh,

I guess it's wrong to feel.

We then begin to judge our own experience and stuff it down.

And it actually hangs around longer and we create log jams for ourselves when we don't allow ourselves to validate our experience.

Oh,

That's what I was going to say before.

Even if you don't agree with what's coming for your head,

So even if you have a ton of anger and you think,

Oh,

I should know better and you don't agree with it,

It doesn't matter.

It's not about that.

It's about whether I know this is coming from my ego or not.

I'm going to give it space to move through me because I understand how energy works.

I understand that I'm a human being that is just going to have all sorts of old psychological junk come through given his or her childhood.

And a wide variety of feelings because I'm a human.

So it's kind of moving into that observer,

Not nonjudgmental part of ourselves and going,

All right,

I see you.

I hear you.

Anyone in this circumstance would feel that way.

Anyone given the past that you had given the neural programs in your brain would feel this way.

And maybe we'll grow one day and maybe we'll see this differently one day and maybe we won't get so triggered or angry one day.

But right now,

Based on where our neural pathways are going,

This is what's coming through.

And so me denying this is only going to keep it around.

And I'm telling you,

You guys,

It's been one of my hardest lessons.

I have tried to fix it.

You cannot fix an emotion for years and years and years and years.

And I would get all these clues.

And some of you guys are probably in the class where I had all these synchronistic events of feel it,

Welcome it.

Like that is the name of the game.

Feeling it,

Welcoming it,

Just giving it space to exist.

It's like you say in your head,

Well,

I don't need to like you,

But I'm just I know that I can have a wider range of experience if I allow,

If I welcome,

If I validate my experience.

So you might notice you're afraid to feel things.

It's just because you were taught that someone around you was so uncomfortable when you cried or when you had a temper tantrum or when you were happy that you went,

Oh,

God,

In order to be loved,

I got to shut this off.

And it's terrible misunderstanding.

And so now you get to re-parent yourself and know that love doesn't live in hiding your emotions.

Suffering does,

Lives there and love lives as a state of being underneath the emotions.

Don't hold that too loosely.

I mean,

Hold that loosely.

Don't hold that too tightly.

But we end up living this mediocre life in between where we're comfortable because we don't want to feel the icky stuff.

Now,

What happens with that is feelings all live in the same house.

So we need to go into the house of feelings in order to feel the joy and the hope and the bliss and the security and all the good feelings,

Too.

We can't we can't just go,

Well,

I just want these and I don't want the others.

They're all energy passing through the vehicle that is us.

And the more that we can and our brain look,

It's traumatized and it's going,

I don't want to feel that stuff.

But the more that we baby steps gently don't need to dive all in,

Put our foot in the water and go.

Every time I feel now,

I'm just gonna in the safety of my own head,

In the safety of my own room,

Let myself start to notice,

Ooh,

I'm uncomfortable by this.

After this conversation,

It'll come into your awareness about the little things that you're holding back or you don't want to feel or what you're uncomfortable with.

And you'll notice it and you'll go,

Just let myself feel a little bit of that love that I'm feeling uncomfortable with or the anger or the fear.

Like for me,

That's the one weirdly I've been noticing for myself,

Because when I was little,

I was very,

Very afraid.

And not one person in my life sat me down and said,

Wow,

You're really afraid.

Do you want to talk about it?

Like,

Why are you so afraid?

Talk to me.

I see you.

It sucks to be afraid.

I was just,

And it was well-meaning,

It was well-meaning by my family members,

But they saw it and they went,

We need to take her to a doctor.

Something's wrong with her.

So I got the message,

Every time I'm afraid,

It means something's wrong with me and I shouldn't feel this feeling.

It's a disorder of mine.

And so what does that do?

It creates a log jam.

And I know it's uncomfortable,

You guys.

I know sometimes this is not what we want to hear,

But for me,

I've had to welcome the fear every time I feel it and not try to fix it.

I go,

All right,

Hey,

Energy,

Heat,

Tingling,

All right.

And the most wild thing happens,

I actually start to feel better.

I'm lighter in my day.

I'm happier.

I'm kinder.

Because that,

I'm in the house again and I'm opening up my ability to have more experience because I'm self-validating from all of the invalidation that I got.

I'm going,

Let's give you some space.

Let's give you room to breathe so that you can have your experience.

So you guys can relate.

Jackie,

Wow,

Same therapy at nine years old.

Yeah,

I know I went to a therapist young too.

I was on medication at 13 and oh my God,

That's like my childhood story.

You guys,

I'm so sorry.

I know,

I know,

I know.

And it's like,

Here's the thing too,

It's innocent.

The people that come before us,

If this is your story as well,

They don't know.

They're not taught.

They're so uncomfortable because their parents were uncomfortable with their feelings.

And it's just passed down the train until chain.

Until someday one of us wakes up in the family and is like,

You know,

Looking around and going,

This hurts,

This is uncomfortable.

Why do I get so angry when people tell me to stop feeling?

And in your rage,

There's grace.

And you go,

Oh,

Oh,

It's because I feel absolutely and utterly alone in my experience like it's wrong.

And the antidote isn't to fix it.

I'm not broken.

It's to welcome human experience.

It's to welcome energy and thaw out and unstick a log jam that's been happening over time.

So look,

I've been on this journey for eight years.

Be patient.

Be patient as you start to feel.

It is a melting process.

You'll just keep noticing more and more things that you were taught not to feel.

But you can take your power back.

You don't have to wait for anyone else to give you permission for it to be okay to have your experience.

You get to self-validate now.

Thank you for shining the light on dark feelings.

You're welcome.

You're welcome.

I know.

This is son of a gun,

This healing and growth journey.

Oh,

Man.

But you're not alone.

And there is so much hope.

There's so much hope.

And I know it sounds crazy because a lot of my private clients will be like,

I know you say to me,

It's about feeling.

And that sounds scary.

But really genuinely,

Genuinely on the other side of that are these lighter,

Freer,

Softer,

You'll feel like yourself again feelings.

So if you can be brave enough to welcome the energy and just see it as that when I lay in my room and I put my hands on my heart and I go,

Okay,

What am I feeling now?

I'll just compartmentalize it as like heat or tingling and then just let it start to unravel,

Be felt,

Let my nervous system recognize it and calm down around it a little bit at a time.

Good stuff,

Friends.

So you can go ahead and put your music on now.

That was one thing when I was just walking my dog before this,

I'm like,

I miss being in the room with my music on because I like my music.

Just had vibes.

You guys are always welcome to follow me on Spotify.

But if you follow me,

Jamie Wasney,

All my music that I used to play in class is on there as well.

So just get comfortable in your space and let's do some healing.

So just know you're in this safe space with me,

I'm never going to make you go back into your trauma.

You're just welcoming what is present for you now,

Letting the energy melt.

So we're going to let ourselves feel it so that we are not awaiting it out there in life or opening up space around ourselves.

We're allowing freedom.

And then we're going to move into self validation.

So,

As always,

Just begin by letting your physical body settle in and you start to just become aware of that connection between your physical body and the space underneath of you.

And you're bringing all of your energy into this time and space.

You can even in your own mind call it back.

I call back all of my own energy from wherever it was,

Wherever it has been.

I call it back from all the moments of invalidation in my past.

I'm waking up now.

I'm breaking free from this collective pattern.

Tonight I choose to heal.

Invalidation.

Calling all of me back,

Reeling it all in.

Just allowing yourself to be still.

You've made it this far.

Healing is available.

It is available.

It is available.

You are resting now you are on the ground and you're starting to deepen your breath.

Offering yourself comfort.

Self love self validation.

Self compassion.

A difficult lesson to learn but beautiful gift on the other end.

Body on the ground,

Slowing everything down.

Nice easy inhales and exhales.

Just letting that physical body start to relax as you soften your eyes and your face.

Chest,

Shoulders,

Back.

Being kind to yourself.

As you relax that belly,

Hips,

Hands and feet.

And with this next inhale and exhale just let your whole body melt down into the surface,

Allowing yourself to be held by the earth below you.

Just kind of cruise into this nice quiet space here with me.

And give yourself permission to be as you are.

Absolutely never broken.

Just completely misunderstood.

Now you get to relearn how to use the system.

I am a human being with feelings.

All are valid.

The more I allow them,

The quicker they come,

The quicker they release,

The more peace I feel.

It doesn't mean my wisdom won't tell me to do something or go to a healer or follow my wisdom to whatever it is I need in the moment.

But it's never in the pushing away in the heat of the storm that solves the problem.

Unconditional love welcomes.

All is allowed here.

Nothing is wrong.

You are not wrong or bad for feeling.

So tonight,

If you would like,

You begin to offer yourself permission.

Give you space,

Kid.

Whether I agree with it or not.

Space,

Wide open space to have your experience.

If others misunderstand you or judge you,

I won't.

I've got your back.

The good is on the other side of this allowance.

I see you.

I hear you.

Feeling a little bit deeper inside of the safety of your own being.

Beginning by allowing yourself to simply welcome this feeling of invalidation.

And you just allow what is already here to be here by just saying a gentle hello,

Invalidation.

Maybe some subtle sensations begin to arise.

And you just create a space to welcome them,

To allow them to float in,

To stay as long as they wish and then to leave in their own time.

Hello sensations of invalidation.

It is important in our nervous system to relax as we are telling it it is okay.

As best as I can.

I just welcome 1% of this feeling of being misunderstood in my feelings,

My experience,

And just say hello to it.

Let it be here for a moment.

I just want to say hello to you.

And as best as I can,

Could I just allow myself to welcome feeling perhaps alone in my experience,

Like I need to hide it,

But it's bad or wrong.

Just saying hello to that,

Letting the ice melt.

Instead of pushing this away and running from it our whole lives,

We're welcoming it so that it can heal.

Hello alone.

Hello.

And as we let this ice melt,

I want you just to tune into yourself and reflect for a moment asking your deeper self,

What emotion am I afraid to feel because I thought that it was wrong.

Or no one saw it or witnessed it or told me it was okay.

Could be anything.

Let's see what rises for you.

As this begins to rise,

I just want you to give yourself permission to allow it to be here,

Even if it's uncomfortable.

Even if you don't agree with it.

You get to choose.

Do you want to suffer and suppress it?

Or do you want to allow it,

The energy to simply be felt the sensations that they can move through so that you can feel what's on the other side of this.

So if you want to say hello to it.

Hey fear.

Shame.

Guilt.

I'm just gonna welcome 1% of you and we're going to do this really slow over time.

But I'm willing to look at you instead of away.

I'm just gonna say hi and maybe see what sensations you feel like.

It's not going to consume me and just kind of.

Test in the waters.

Allowing a falling out to.

Saying hello to what wishes to be seen by you tonight.

Oh,

Oh,

Oh,

I want you just to see now if you can almost as if you had really tight clothes on or you were in an enclosed space and.

Just pushing out,

Opening up the space around you,

You're putting on more comfortable clothes,

Allowing more space.

And you're going really slow,

Validating your experience,

Giving it space to exist because you are normal and human.

Even if something weird or funky comes through,

It's just energy in the form of thought.

Programmed in there because of what you were taught.

It's not deeper you.

But it's also valid.

To be witnessed and released for joy to rise to be witnessed and then released again for joy to rise.

As you allow for more space around you,

You let these energies integrate and melt in their own time.

You can come back as long as you need as much as you need to.

Welcoming whatever arises for you.

As we start to tune into our heart space and connect into this child within.

The inner child,

The little one,

Whatever age arises is fine.

Little you.

And in your mind,

You take them by the hand.

Look them in the eyes.

Maybe crouch down to their level.

And I want you just to tell them you're sorry.

That other people were afraid of their feelings.

And that you're sorry they misunderstood it.

Thank them for their resilience.

Their perseverance and their bravery.

Tell them that you love them.

And that you plan to do it differently now.

We tell them,

I don't care if no one sees you.

I see you.

I don't care if no one hears you.

I hear you.

I know you.

I validate you.

I understand you.

You are not alone.

I create a wide open space around you kid to feel.

We will learn over time.

We will go slow.

We will tread gently.

But because we want to feel peace,

Joy,

Happiness.

We have to welcome the other two kid.

And it's quick and painless.

The more we allow,

The less we resist.

So we'll figure this one out together.

I give you a wide open field to have your human experience.

Totally normal.

Even if I don't agree with it,

I give you this space.

Deep breaths as you let these energies integrate.

Nice and relaxed.

Gentle inhale,

Gentle exhale.

Beginning to allow your awareness to gradually make its way to the connection between your physical body and the ground.

All those tiny little points of contact.

Noticing the space that your body occupies here in this room.

Intending to collect all parts of your energy from all time and space back here now.

I'm going to do it differently now.

Taking my power back.

Today is a good day.

Planting yourself inside of your body.

Right behind your eyes.

In your body or on the ground,

You're in the room.

Space to breathe.

Space to be.

Space to exist.

Space to feel.

Space to dance.

Space to play.

Space to be you.

Gentle inhales and exhales as you slowly come back to the body,

Back to the evening.

Deep breaths.

Making your way into stretching or moving parts of your body that wish to stretch or move.

And then whenever you feel ready,

Nice and slow,

You can open up your eyes to the evening.

Reviews

Helping me so much! I work with chronic invalidators

So beautiful, thank you Jamie for reminding me of who I am and what I am capable of 🙏🏽

Beautiful meditation that opened my heart to any and all emotions that arise. This was deeply meaningful and i am grateful that you shared your energy and these teachings. Namaste 🙏-Dave

So flipping powerful after a hard day of processing exactly this 🙏 I will come back to this for healing 🙏

Amazing

Wow thank you. Reeling in my past invalidation took along time because there is so much. Also my heart is in pain so much pain and yes it’s very very uncomfortable because invalidation is all I know and I’ve been through so much in my life. I know this may seem that this talk and meditation has affected me negatively but it hasn’t I have just been through such release and reeling those invalidation experiences in and taking my power back. Physically my actual heart is in good health (or so I believe) but it physically and tangibly is in great mental pain I kept visualising my actual heart having a gun shot wound and the heart around that hole or the gun shot is grey in colour like it’s dead but a couple of inches further out my heart is normal coloured. I plan on listening to this talk several times. Sorry for graphic details and sorry it is long. I hope you don’t mind and I hope my messege finds you well. Lisa x