Boundary Creation Can Be A Painful Process, But It's Highly Necessary

In this track we talk about boundaries. When we create boundaries we imagine it to be painless and hassle-free. What we don't know is that there will be pain in some form no matter how close we are to people they will not always understand those boundaries. We need to form them anyway.

Transcript

Hello everyone!

I hope that you're doing amazing where we are in the world.

My name is Boomshakha and I welcome you to my channel.

As always I'm so grateful that you're listening,

Subscribing and commenting.

I really appreciate the support.

And in this one I wanted to speak to you about boundaries and how the process of creating boundaries is not supposed to be painless.

A lot of times what happens when we're creating boundaries is that we expect the process of creating boundaries especially if you've never done it before,

If we're newbies at it or we're just starting out the process of creating boundaries.

We imagine that it should be a painless process.

We imagine that if we tell someone I'm sorry I can't do that because I'm too tired that that person is just gonna take it and run with it.

They're just gonna be like oh right okay sorry you're tired I'm sorry I didn't mean to you know put that on you I'm gonna just go off and do it myself.

That's usually not how it happens and unfortunately or fortunately it's a good thing.

You know it's supposed to be painful so that we realize that people aren't always going to be interested in your welfare.

We imagine wrongly that people around us even though they love us and let's be honest they do love us but it doesn't mean that just because they love us that they're going to understand what's best for our welfare.

We imagine that you know they love us they should know us they should know if I'm saying that I'm gonna be tired after this I shouldn't do it and they should understand me and they should you know let me go or they should not ask me of these things or they should understand my predicament.

No that's not how it works.

Most people are not that self-aware or aware of what's going on with other people.

Most people are selfish in general but also it's not even just by the selfishness it's that people don't think that far.

They're not they're in their heads they're thinking about their bills they're thinking about their problems they're not really thinking about you or what's going on with you and even if you say it outright saying oh I'm sorry but I can't I'm too tired I just cannot do it they're gonna take it as an affront to them.

Usually that's what happens to me and a lot to other people as well is that when we set up boundaries this happens to me all the time and actually really that's really one of the reasons I want to share this with you is that if you are creating boundaries you need to realize that a lot of times what's gonna happen is that person's gonna get angry with you.

It's fascinating to me because this doesn't just happen with people that I'm surrounded by so just like family or relatives or friends happens with strangers too and so it's interesting because boundaries isn't something that people are used to especially especially if you're a newbie at it and you've never created boundaries before right and so you would always just let people walk all over you or you just say yes to everything and all of a sudden you're like no and you say no to someone even if you say it in the nicest way possible if you even if you say it in the kindest possible manner there is still going to take it as an affront to them they're gonna take it as an insult to them they're gonna take it as you not loving them anymore and they're going to try and either emotionally blackmail you or try to make you feel bad for putting out boundaries that are for your own good okay and so I really wanted to share this with you because as I said it happens to me all the time and it's with people that I've been creating boundaries with for a long time long time so I've been training them in the fact that I have boundaries and I'm sorry but no you can't pass these boundaries and I will create these boundaries and even now after years and years of doing this they'll still be like but but why don't you love me anymore and why do you have to be like this and you're always so strict with your schedule and you don't don't do anything with me and if you love me you would do it and all of that and it just comes pouring out and it's fascinating as I said because as I as I said I am an empath and we are all I'm assuming empathic in some way shape or form and so I will feel it I will feel like oh no I mean I do feel that little twinge of oh my god maybe I am a terrible person and oh my god I didn't even think about the fact that this person might really need me and how wrong of me to even take time off for myself and how dare I try to rest I mean I'm stronger than everyone else around me I have more energy so I should I should give and give and give and I can rest when I die and you know all that stuff does come up for me as well and then I really have to stop myself and be like all right okay so you never put out boundaries usually you do give to people as you can but when you are putting out a boundary obviously there's a big necessity for it you're obviously extremely tired or burnt out or you really need this time off and so don't feel bad about it take the time this person is gonna get over it pretty quickly and they're gonna get over it they're not gonna remember that you put a boundary against them and that's again another thing that I want to say is that in that moment in time that person is gonna be extremely angry with you and extremely emotional about it by the fact that you put a boundary against them it's not against them necessarily it's for you but they're gonna feel like it's against them and so in that moment they're gonna be extremely angry and you're gonna be like oh my god I'm never gonna recover this relationship don't worry about it the people in your life are gonna get over it pretty quickly especially if they realize that this is going to be a constant thing so if you make it a habit rather than just making them one-off thing and then feeling extremely guilty and never doing it again which is what I used to do in the beginning is of doing that make it a constant thing you're trying to train them in realizing that you're not an automaton you're not a robot you're not a machine you can't just keep on going forever and ever and ever like an energizer bunny you need to rest you need to take time for yourself you need to set boundaries because you are a human being that has needs wants desires and and needs to take care of themselves and so realize that you know eventually that they will perhaps get it perhaps not perhaps some people will never get it that's okay you're doing it for yourself and so in that moment as I said they'll be extremely angry but then eventually they'll get over it and then again you're training them so over time they're not gonna get so angry about it they got actually understand and a lot of times sometimes nowadays at least for me when I'll set a boundary I'll think no I'm sorry I can't do that people will actually just take it I'm like alright cool that's fine and so for me it's actually even surprising right now when people don't argue about it because people usually argue about it so often that I'm like oh okay cool girden my loins that's the way to say it and let's get ready because I know I'm gonna have to argue about it I'm gonna have to explain myself and I'm gonna have to justify the fact that I'm taking time off for myself but then when they don't ask questions they're like they accept it I'm like oh interesting I guess we're all growing up here we're all maturing up but I wanted to do this video to explain to you that this process of creating boundaries is not a painless process that you just can be like hooray let's create boundaries and everyone's gonna love you for it and everyone's gonna throw glitter at you and you know things like that it's not a fairy tale land we live in and so you're gonna create boundaries people gonna be hurt by it they're gonna get angry about it they're gonna be emotional about it they're going to put blame upon you they're gonna put a lot of blame upon you because you are taking time off for yourself and you're being selfish or you're being rude or are you you don't understand anyone and you're you just care about yourself and there's gonna be a lot of things that they're gonna put on you it's nothing to do with you it's their own stuff right it's on their own projections their own whatever is going on with them nothing to do with you you are allowed to put boundaries around you are allowed to take time off you're allowed to say no things it's your time it's your life it's your body it's whatever it's you right it's for you you're allowed to do that but again realize that people are not going to be really happy about it until then maybe perhaps you train them and eventually they'll get used to it they won't be happy about it still but they will get used to the idea of you putting boundaries against against them or around you right and so if you are starting out the process as I said of creating boundaries I do recommend that if you're not that you start because it's extremely important you're as I said you're not an octopon you're not a robot you can't just keep on going at this rapid pace saying yes to everyone and saying yes to all events and saying yes to all obligations without burning out and so you're gonna have to learn that you have to put boundaries so if you haven't already started please to start and start small I mean do it in a manner where the other person can really understand or it's not that hard for them in the beginning so you can start off at something small like saying no to a particular rent or start saying no to a particular food that you don't like I know a lot of people who have problems of boundaries who are not able to say no to a particular food even though it causes them pain and it makes them sick I know a lot of people who you know a lot of parents especially they use food as a way of displaying love and so sometimes it's difficult for us to be like no I'm sorry I'm not eating that anymore because it doesn't jive with me or jive with our health and it's difficult for us to say that so if cares like you start off small start off at something that you are comfortable with and build it up build it up over time because eventually you're gonna have to say no to a lot bigger things like no I'm not getting married and I'm sorry but you're gonna have to deal with it because it's not happening and so that was a big conversation I had to have that was a big boundary that I had to put around my time my life my needs and desires and of course my parents took it in a way where they were like shocked at first and eventually right now I think they're pretty much used to it so they still kind of bring it up occasionally like oh you know you could still get married to a divorced guy you know they still are around I'm like um what did I say before what did I tell you before I'm not getting married right right okay good so you know you really have to kind of be like it's kind of like a trainer you kind of have to make sure that people understand that you're not a pushover that you're not here just to please them you're not just here to be there to do their bidding you're here to do your stuff as well you know I'm not saying that just be selfish completely and never do anything for them I'm not the kind of person who always says no I hope I do say yes sometimes but again it's about boundaries it's about going through the painful process of creating boundaries and still realizing that it's good for you you know they are going to emotionally blackmail you there are going to be angry with you but you're gonna have to come back to the point that it's good for you it is you're doing this for you you're not doing it to be selfish you're not doing it to hurt others you're doing it because it's good for you and the more boundaries you can create the better it's going to be for you for your health for your psyche for your mental sanity so important to have boundaries I hope this makes sense if you have questions about creating boundaries further questions of course please comment below and I shall do a follow-up video I think it's such an important topic I'm not an expert on it I am definitely not an expert on it I do recommend that if you're interested in reading more about it that you read Brené Brown's book be re any Brown Brené Brown's book any book really that she writes about it daring greatly is a good one and there's some others that she ran really good author amazing author about vulnerability she really knows how to be vulnerable and how to create boundaries and how to protect yourself really amazing author I really do love her again if you have questions comment below and I shall see you the next time around bye

Reviews

Thanks! Several good reminders on how others react and our choices. 👍🏼

Great information and delivered in a fun way!

I like the advice of starting small. Will speak with my kids about learning this skill too. Thank you.