Four Steps To Self-Compassion

This meditation teaches a simple four-step practice that can be done even in the midst of daily activities, and that helps us to respond to painful feelings with compassion, so that we process our pain and are able to respond compassionately to life.

Transcript

So as you're sitting in an upright,

Open and yet relaxed posture,

Just being aware of what your current experience is,

Being aware of the world around you,

Being aware of what's arising within you,

In the world of the body,

In the world of feelings,

In the world of thoughts and mental activity,

Just being open to all of this experience arising,

Grounding the mind in an awareness of now.

And I'm going to ask you to call to mind someone or something,

Perhaps some situation that causes you some kind of difficulty right now.

It might be a person who does things that you find difficult or annoying or hurtful or that makes you anxious.

It could be some situation like a big bill you're worried about paying,

Something that's coming up that you're not looking forward to.

So just calling this person or this situation vividly to mind and noticing how you feel,

Particularly noticing what arises in the heart and in the solar plexus.

But being aware of any uncomfortable feelings anywhere in the body.

And first of all,

Just dropping any stories that arise.

The mind tends to take difficult feelings and react to them by creating thoughts,

Perhaps blaming the other person or blaming ourselves.

Or perhaps we tell a story about self-pity.

So we just let go of these thoughts when they arise,

Dropping the story.

And instead we drop down into our feelings.

What's arising in the body.

Just noticing our feelings as physical sensations.

We may think of feelings as being of the mind,

But mostly they consist of physical sensations arising in the body.

And we label different patterns of physical sensations as,

For example,

Hurt,

Anxiety,

Disappointment,

Frustration.

But right now,

Letting go of any labels and just noticing feelings as sensations.

Where is this feeling located?

What size is it?

What shape does it have?

What is its texture?

Just allowing that feeling to be there,

Surrounding it with acceptance and with curiosity.

And accepting the feeling means accepting that it's okay to experience discomfort.

It's normal.

It's not a sign of failure.

It's just how your mind and body respond when you perceive a threat to your well-being.

So we can be kind to this painful feeling.

Perhaps you can regard this difficult feeling in the same way as you would look kindly at a small frightened child or frightened animal.

The living being that needs kindness and reassurance.

This is a living part of you that's suffering.

And we can talk to the part of us that's in pain or discomfort.

We can say things like,

I'm here for you.

I know it's difficult.

I know this is hard.

But I care about you.

I want you to be free from pain.

I want you to be happy and at ease.

Having empathized with ourself,

Our own suffering,

And having responded to our own suffering with compassion.

Once again,

Just allowing into your awareness this person or situation that's a source of discomfort.

And allowing your heart to be open.

So once again,

Calling this person or this situation to mind.

See how you respond to them now.

Sometimes we'll feel a sense of compassion.

Maybe a clearer sense of how to deal with this situation in a way that's skillful.

In a way that helps you to avoid creating further pain.

And so just to outline what we've been doing.

First of all,

We dropped the story,

Letting go of thoughts.

Second,

Dropping down to our feelings and accepting them.

Third,

Regarding those uncomfortable feelings with kindness and compassion.

And fourth and finally,

In the sacred pause of mindfulness that we've created.

Allowing skillful responses like compassion to arise.

And this four stage practice is something we can do in just a few seconds.

Perhaps some situation causes you hurt or anxiety,

Disappointment or frustration.

Perhaps notice the story springing into action.

Where we catch ourselves,

Drop the story,

Drop down,

Notice the pain,

Give it compassionate attention.

And then allow ourselves to respond creatively.

So I hope you'll continue to work with this four stage practice.

And find ways to bring it into your daily life.

So right now as you're sitting here.

Becoming more aware of the world around you.

Letting your awareness come back into the sensory reality of this present moment.

And allowing your eyes to open.

Reviews

Very useful. I hope to remember this the next time I wake up in the middle of the night and start worrying about something...

Very helpful. I will use more to connect to this experience and the awareness it helped me find and sit with …with less judgement and more understanding and compassion. Thank you 🙏🏼

Marvellous techniques to work with difficult situations (and people!). Thank you, I shall be using the 4 steps very often.

Looking deeply and sending compassion is so helpful, but I often forget to do it when I need it the most. Thanks for the reminder, Bodhipaksa!
Donna

Thank you so much for this practice - this felt very safe and a loving, gentle way to approach difficulties in life or within ourselves. Being aware of my heart area as well as the other physical sensations was new & I noticed that it felt like my heart was retreating, making itself small as if to hide or disconnect, when I brought mind the difficulty I was facing. Allowing & accepting the feelings & reassuring myself with thoughts of kindness & support gradually brought about more of a sense of calm, openness & connection between mind, body & heart.
I am following A Year of Buddha’s Wisdom, which is a wonderful resource, but I so appreciate being able to access your guided meditations as too. Thank you again & bless you 🙏🏻

Thank you for recommending this meditation Bodhipaksa. Part of it reminds me of a technique I was taught recently in EMDR (the bit where you describe the feeling to yourself) but this also has the addition of your wonderfully calming voice which really helps as a guide. Trauma plays havoc with a person’s memory and the pace of your guidance is just right. The practice has been very beneficial for me today. I can see a mindful way forward with what has been troubling me.
I notice you always suggest a seated posture. I have tended to lie down to do my practices for many years since becoming traumatised as it was the only way I could contemplate getting in touch with emotions that have been suppressed for decades. I think this is partly a trauma response and I had been stuck in freeze mode for many years. I wondered what your thoughts are on this.
I’ve noticed recently though, that I have a yen to do more practices in a seated posture. So, I’m wondering if my NS is finally starting to allow me to trust that it is slowly climbing the Polyvagal ladder back to somewhere where I can be a bit more responsive. Hope I’m making sense.

Beautiful meditation and much needed. Thank you. 💕⭐️🙏

Thankyou Bodhipaksa. So helpful to me right now and I will pass on to others close to my difficult situation.
I hope things are better for you.

Thank you Bhodipaksa. Your words are very helpful for me. 🙏🦋💖