Hello and welcome back.
This is Jennifer Storm,
The author of Blackout Girl and Awakening Blackout Girl.
Today I want to talk about apologies and accountability.
You know it's so easy to gloss over the ways in which people can refuse to truly be held accountable for the hurt that they cause.
And I want you to really listen to what is being said to you.
If someone has hurt you and then the way that they bring an apology to you makes you feel invalidated or worse,
That is not a true apology.
People will often make an apology that is really not so much about them being sorry for their actions but more about excusing the behaviors because you know they didn't intend to hurt you or that wasn't what they meant that wasn't what they wanted the outcome to be.
They only meant this or they really weren't trying to do this or they thought that this was what was best for you etc etc.
Does that sound familiar?
It's not true accountability when it's shrouded in excuses and justifications.
It just really shifts the blame back to you for not really being able to understand why they hurt you right?
Why they acted the way that they did?
And I'm gonna ask you today to not fall for that.
An apology,
A true apology that comes from the heart should be genuine.
It should focus on the person's actions or behaviors.
It should sound something like,
Gosh I'm so sorry I did that to you.
Not well I was only trying to help you or I did it because or I didn't intend to hurt you or I was trying to help but do you see the difference?
I guess more importantly do you feel the difference?
When someone comes to you with true accountability and true sorrow for what they did their intentions really don't matter at that point because it's not about what they intended it's about them making up for the harm or the hurt they caused.
And look we all make mistakes no one is perfect.
Truly being humble enough to own up to a mistake is often the hardest struggle for the ego and our pride.
It requires total vulnerability in that moment and that can be really hard for people.
So instead people try to cover up their own hurt and they mask it with good intentions on themselves to make their own actions or behaviors seem like less of the problem and that the other person's inability to understand becomes the focus the issue and the problem.
It's a really good way of deflecting responsibility right?
But it's also a really dangerous way of gaslighting.
It makes somebody else question their own thoughts and feelings and intuitions and that can be incredibly damaging emotionally and psychologically.
All it really does is cause more hurt or confusion and more mistrust and we deserve better than that and we should be at a point in our lives where an apology that's shrouded in intention and selfish denial is not a real apology.
It's not one that I know in my life I want to hear from somebody that I deem worthy enough to be in my space and I don't come from a place of ego when I say that.
I think you get to a point in your life where there's only so much you are willing to tolerate and you have to get to a point or hope you journey to a point of knowing and understanding and appreciating that you deserve more than that.
And it's wonderful that someone didn't intend to hurt you that they didn't intend that act to feel a certain way towards you.
That's all well and good.
If it negates the apology it's not worth your time.
It's not an apology it's an excuse.
So for the next week or so I really want you to dive deep and think about not just the ways people have apologized to you right but how you accept accountability for your own actions.
How do you make amends?
Because we're all imperfect and we all make mistakes and we all do things that inevitably will hurt those around us.
And try not to focus so much on your intention but more about the understanding of the hurt that your behavior and your action caused.
And only then when you understand that go to that person with your amends.
If you can't see the action or the behavior and how it hurt that person you might not be ready to make that amends and you might not be ready to seek that apology.
So I ask you to pause and reflect and take the time that you need to journey through all of that.
Because when you make an apology that isn't really an apology it can actually end up causing more damage.
Thank you for joining me today and until next time be kind,
Be gentle,
You're worth the work.
