Tips for Practicing Metta Daily Life

Bhikkhu Jayasara provides tips on how best to integrate the practice of Metta and compassion into our daily lives.

Transcript

What are some concrete ways that we want to,

That we,

How do we develop and practice meta in our daily lives?

How do we make it our livelihood?

First thing is the precepts.

This first thing I'm going to,

I have a list of things.

And the first thing I want to talk about is the precepts.

Buddha calls the precepts five faultless gifts to the world.

These are gifts that are ancient,

That nobody can argue with,

And they give a gift of fearlessness to those around you.

Think about people that you know.

Think about people in your life.

There's somebody who you know that they're not going to try to kill you.

They're not going to try to harm you in some way.

They're not going to try to steal from you,

Lie to you.

They're trustworthy people.

What does that give you?

It gives you a gift of fearlessness.

You have to worry about this person,

This person,

These things,

But you don't have to worry about this person.

That's at least one person that you don't have to worry about.

So when you practice these precepts in your daily life,

People know this,

People see it,

People understand this is a person I can trust.

And you give that gift of fearlessness to others.

And the Buddha also says that you partake in a part of that as well.

When you give that gift to others,

You get part of that back from other people.

It's part of the benefits of metta,

Which I'm not going to go into.

Hopefully Bante Silla will go into that yesterday,

Where you're dear to human beings,

As Bante Panaratana said,

Dear to non-human beings.

Think about good people in your life,

People that you want to,

That do good things.

They are a rare gift,

And so you want to help them and support them.

Why?

Because they've given you this gift,

And you want to give them back that gift.

So practicing these precepts is important in that regard.

Practicing patience.

The Buddha says that patience,

Patient endurance is the best meditation.

Patience is important.

Patience is hard.

And if somebody comes up to us at work or whatever,

And we're busy and we don't want to hear it,

We don't want to deal with it,

And what would we normally do?

We're like,

Okay,

Okay,

How do I get this person away from me without being too mean and all these kinds of things?

Practice patience.

When you're on a long line,

And maybe at the,

What you call it,

Food place,

Food shopping,

Wow.

Well,

Anyway,

So you're on a long line,

Right,

And somebody has a ton of food,

And all of a sudden they come out and there's like 30 or 40 different coupons,

And you're like,

Oh my god,

I gotta do this,

I gotta do that.

That's a lesson.

That's teaching you how to practice patience.

Don't let these experiences go by.

Use these experiences to practice.

That's when you practice patience.

We'll develop that patience.

Patience is important,

Because patience allows us to have,

To develop that mindfulness,

And that allows us to make sure that our mind doesn't get on these roller coasters of ill will and anger.

We want to be able to have the time to make a choice instead of going with the flow.

Developing equanimity in hard situations.

Knowing when you've done enough.

Knowing when you're hurting yourself and continuing on trying to do something further.

There's times when you have to know,

Okay,

To protect myself,

I have to step away from this.

I have to get away from this.

I have to do something else.

That's equanimity.

You can detach yourself from that situation.

Before you speak,

Before you go up to somebody,

Give them meta.

Practice meta.

Or think how you want to say something in a way that's going to be beneficial to yourself and to that other person.

Practice meta before you speak.

In every interaction that you do,

Practice meta.

When you're going around,

You can practice that meta practice that I taught you today,

Exalted release of mind.

It's very easy to do when you're just doing anything.

When you're just walking around,

Boom,

Your sphere is going out and you're just pervading meta.

It's very easy to do.

You don't even have to use words in that regard.

It's very easy to just pervade meta.

Whenever you have the mindfulness,

Whenever you remember,

Okay,

Now I'm going to pervade meta.

You'll find when you're pervading meta,

When you have a mind of goodwill,

Things just go a lot easier.

Things normally we're worried about,

Oh,

This is going to happen.

We have this mind of negativity.

What I found even before I was a Buddhist was that if I continued a mind of positivity,

If I had a positive mind,

Things always went better.

Even if it was harder,

It would have been worse off if I had a negative mind.

So there's no situation where having meta is bad.

If you have that mindset of goodwill for everybody,

You have everybody's best interest at heart.

Including yourself.

That's why you have to,

We're not losing ourselves and others.

We are remembering ourselves.

All of us,

Ourselves,

We are part of everybody.

So never forget yourself.

And learning how to de-escalate a situation instead of escalating a situation.

I went over a little bit about this.

If there's a situation,

Somebody's angry,

Somebody's annoyed,

Somebody doesn't have any patience,

And you're there,

What happens normally?

Maybe they're not angry at you,

Maybe they're just angry at something.

You get drawn in some way or another.

Or maybe they're pissed off and they come home and they yell at you.

And what do you do?

You yell right back.

And then it just gets worse and worse and worse and worse.

You're escalating a situation.

And so this is not easy to de-escalate a situation.

This is where it requires mindfulness and goodwill.

When you're confronted with somebody who's so full,

Somebody who's on that roller coaster,

And you know you're not going to be able to just slap them in the roller coaster,

That's not going to work.

They're on that roller coaster.

You don't want to get on with them.

How do you de-escalate the situation?

That takes skill.

That takes practice.

That's not easy.

But one of those ways that you can do it is by controlling yourself,

Keeping a mind of meta.

And you practice that in this situation.

It's not something that you're going to go out tomorrow and do.

You have to practice this.

Giving a pause.

If somebody's really,

Really angry or really going on a tangent,

What I've found is that if you just don't say anything,

If you just allow silence to happen,

That actually gives them like,

Then they start to realize what they're doing.

And then it starts to de-escalate.

Slowly,

Slowly,

Slowly.

So it's important in that regard.

You don't want to escalate a situation because that is making things worse for yourself and it's making things worse for the people involved.

Being able to de-escalate a situation is practicing meta for yourself and for others.

And so those are very basic,

General ways on how to practice meta.

How about some more specific with family and friends?

Now this is often,

The closer the people are to us,

This is often the hardest because we have a strong attachment to these family and friends.

We have a strong bond with them.

And so if they do something we don't like or if they go against it,

It hurts even more than the stranger because we have this attachment.

So with family and friends,

It's important to be able to develop equanimity.

Oftentimes it's very easy to practice meta or to have the feelings of goodwill for family members and friends.

Now when there is a time where maybe you don't have that goodwill,

Then you practice goodwill,

Practice meta for that person.

But you also want to practice equanimity,

Not only for family members but for everybody in these situations.

But for a family member,

There's many times many people come,

They have lots of hard situations where they can't,

It's very easy.

If you're living with people,

If you go to school,

You go to work with people,

Okay,

I have to deal with this person for eight hours and then I can go home and be away from them.

But when you have to live with somebody,

It's a lot different.

It's a lot harder in that regard.

So this is why developing equanimity is important.

What we don't want to do is we don't want to enable bad behavior.

That's important with our relatives or with our children,

With our parents even.

There's been people here who come here and their parents,

They say,

How do I have meta for my parents?

So we don't want to enable bad behavior.

We want to be able to have goodwill and compassion and love for our family members.

But we have to be able to protect ourselves and do what we feel,

What we can see with awareness,

With mindfulness and insight is in the best interest for them and for you.

So another good way of practicing meta is to really listen.

Sometimes people don't need for you to say something.

Because it's just important to listen.

Just be an ear for this person,

A spouse or whoever comes home and they're angry and they've had a bad day at work.

Don't escalate it.

De-escalate it.

Listen.

Just be a kind presence.

If you've ever been in the presence of somebody who really emanates meta,

It's just such kindness,

Safety,

Security.

You're not getting judged at all.

You want to practice that.

Practice really listening,

Giving an ear,

Trying not to be too judgmental with this regard.

And of course with kids.

Most of my adult life I worked with kids in one aspect or another.

So I've seen a lot of things relating to kids and parents today.

One of the things I would like to say in terms of meta is allowing your children to grow.

These days it's very common for people to be very controlling of the children.

The children can feel very stifled and feel very locked in.

Instead of maybe,

I'm almost 40 so I'm not that young and I'm not that old.

But I remember what it was like to be able to just go out and play and do all these kind of things that kids used to be able to do.

Whereas today it's very restricted and very regimental and all these kind of things and kids are getting very stifled.

So we really want to think about practicing this meta for the children and allowing them to be children,

Allowing them to grow.

Sometimes that's hard because it requires some equanimity.

Parents don't want their children to get hurt.

They don't want anything bad to happen to the children.

But if the children don't learn and don't understand from bad experiences,

How do they know how to become,

When they become adults,

How to handle things in life?

So it's important to have that,

To have meta for children in this regard.

Examine your own intentions and examine what you really feel is best for the children.

So what about work or school?

When you're at work,

You're at school,

Whatever,

At your desk,

Just when you have a second,

When you remember,

When you have a mindfulness,

Boom,

Emanate meta out to everybody at work.

All your coworkers.

When you're walking around,

Just emanate meta.

Pervade your meta.

Put that sphere out and encompass all of wherever you're working,

Office building,

Whatever building.

Just pervade.

You can really see,

It's easy in some ways to develop,

Have meta and compassion for your coworkers because you're doing the same job in many ways that they are.

So you understand a little bit more what they're going through.

So you can have compassion for them and have meta for them.

And for the people who don't like you or cause you trouble,

Have equanimity for them.

You practice this with your coworkers because you're going to be with them for at least eight hours a day,

Sometimes more.

And so you can,

And eight hours is a lot of,

Is a big chunk of your day.

So you want to make that eight hours as heavenly as possible as opposed to like a hell.

Having mood to time,

Having appreciative joy for others.

Somebody gets a promotion instead of,

Oh,

I deserve that promotion,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

You know,

Okay,

I didn't get this promotion.

It's okay.

I have joy that they got this promotion or that they got this or that they got that.

Having compassion for your coworkers.

And sometimes just being able to pause at work is very important.

As a practitioner,

What you can do,

What you have a unique ability to do is actually provide a atmosphere that people might not experience otherwise.

I'll give an example,

When I was in child protective services and I had my own little pod on the outside of my pod,

I had for all my case files,

There was a cabinet and I was getting into Buddhism and I liked,

You know,

I had all these kinds of things and I found out a store that there was this foot,

One foot square Zen garden.

And I was like,

You know what,

I'm going to have a Zen garden at my desk.

I'm going to have fun.

And you know,

When I need to,

I'm going to take time and practice and just take a breather out of my day and practice and play in the sand.

And so then I put it there and I would just do it.

And then I noticed as people were coming to talk to me,

Then they would start playing with the Zen garden.

And then like I kind of took off from this thing.

I didn't even expect it.

It was just for me to play with the sand a little bit.

And so then I started getting all these like little,

Like if you're online at Barnes and Noble,

They have these like,

You know,

Little box things,

Little,

You know,

Trinkets and things.

So I developed this little section where people can just come and just de-stress,

Practice,

Play with the sand.

And I would use it and then some people would just come and they would just use it.

And so it wasn't something that I intentionally begun,

But it was something that became meta for my coworkers.

It became something that they knew that they could come here,

De-stress for a couple of minutes,

Talk to me about whatever,

And then go on with their day.

So this is the power that you have to help others at work.

Instead of thinking of it as just,

Well,

You know,

I have to do this to get paid,

Then I go home.

What can you do?

Not only for other people,

But for your own practice,

Practicing meta,

Practicing meditation,

All these kind of things.

You can do this at work.

So it's important to keep that in mind.

So what about society?

Just society in general?

One of the things that we do here is while we're walking,

When the car goes by,

We wave.

So this is one of these things that you can do.

And when you go for a walk the next couple of days,

Practice,

Wave.

And when you're waving,

You can give meta to that person.

And one of the things that we use is a Polly word called sukihoto,

Which means may you be happy.

So it's very easy to say sukihoto in your mind.

Just to give meta to people as you're going about in society.

While you're driving,

You're stuck in traffic,

While you're on public transport,

Whatever.

During these times,

You can have this mind of meta.

You can wave.

You can even just give a smile.

You know how a smile is such a small thing,

But it's such an important thing that can really change people's days.

It's important to be able to do that.

A couple months ago,

I did a meta retreat in New York City.

This woman came up to me during the retreat.

She's like,

I can't do this meta thing.

She had all this negativity.

And the last day,

She came up to me after.

She's like,

Yesterday I went out and I was waving and practicing.

This is in New York City.

She's like,

I'm practicing meta and I'm waving.

There was a woman.

She came and I offered to help her bring in her groceries and all this kind of stuff.

I said,

Wow.

She's practicing meta.

Of course,

I don't know if I would do that in the middle of New York City.

But that's the power of meta,

What meta can do.

So it's important to think about that in society.

Just giving a smile.

Before I had my career when I was younger and when I worked a lot of different jobs,

There's jobs where I had to be on a register.

And I hated being on a register.

There's people coming,

Just lines and lines of people for eight hours a day.

And most of the time,

People were really,

They were on the phone or they didn't care.

They were grumpy or whatever.

They just wanted their cigarettes and their coffee.

You could have been a robot.

It doesn't matter.

And so I'm on this register and I'm like,

All this negativity in my mind and I can't believe I'm doing this.

When is the shift almost over?

And then all of a sudden,

One person just goes,

Oh,

Hi,

Joe.

How are you doing today?

And you perk up because you hear your name.

I'm like,

Oh,

I'm not a robot.

Wow.

Somebody decided to engage you.

Somebody decided to,

With a smile,

Say you saw that your name tag.

Called you by your name.

Said hello.

How are you doing?

That very simple thing,

Just very simple little silly thing.

All of a sudden,

Your mind goes from all this negativity to boom,

You're happy.

Your mind is peaceful and calm.

And then what happens?

You know,

Okay,

That person leaves.

And then the next person,

Grrr.

And you're like,

Oh,

Okay,

I'm back.

But just for that one split sec,

For that one period of time,

That person gave you a gift,

Didn't they?

Just by having that basic meta,

That basic kindness,

To the basic humanity of calling you by your name.

So remember that.

And ever since that happened,

Every time I was online,

I remembered that.

And I would say hello.

Called them by their name.

Talked to them because I remembered how it felt.

That's part of compassion,

Is the understanding I knew how it was,

So I know what they're going through.

And I want to do something good for them.

That's part of that compassion.

So it's important to,

And this also helps us to not get caught up in the whole the world sucks and human sucks.

You know,

These people,

You know,

Humanity's a virus and all these kinds of things.

And it's just,

You know,

That's no way to live.

That doesn't help your mind.

That doesn't,

You know,

There's,

It's just such a negative mind state that doesn't help you.

And it certainly doesn't help the other people that you're going to come into contact with.

So it's just so much better in that regard to practice meta.

And not only for humans,

But also for those that we don't like too much,

Like bugs and animals.

Oh,

Of course,

It's really nice and easy to have,

Oh,

I have met for those cute little dolphins and kittens and all these cute little animals.

And then a spider comes,

Die.

Right?

You know,

So,

But meta has no barriers,

No limitations.

All of these beings,

We want to have good will towards.

And that doesn't mean that we're going to be like,

Oh,

Come here poisonous snake or spider.

You know,

That's where like compassion with wisdom,

That's where wisdom is important.

Meta is not like,

Oh,

I love you big anaconda spider snake.

That's not meta.

That's you,

You know,

You understand,

You know,

Like,

Okay.

Even if it's like a poisonous snake,

A poisonous spider,

Whatever,

You know,

I have met for you being,

We can't really live together because either you're going to kill me or I'm going to kill you.

So maybe we can find a way that we can live separately or whatever.

But you know,

You can have meta for this being.

So you know,

When you see a spider when you're in your kutis or whatever,

And you see a spider or being have met for it.

You know,

If you don't want to go to sleep with it,

You don't want to live with it,

At least try to,

You know,

Capture and release,

Bring it outside.

I know there's some big spiders.

There's like,

There's,

You know,

I went to my kuti one down,

I went to lie down and like right here,

There's a spider probably about half the size of my hand just hanging out.

Boom.

And I'm like,

Oh,

Hello,

Friend.

I have met for you.

And then I came and I got the capture and release and I took them outside.

You know,

So this is important to we don't want to limit this.

And when you when you see that kind of aversion towards a specific something,

That's where you practice your meta.

You have an aversion towards spiders,

You have an aversion towards whatever.

Practice your meta.

There's a sutta where the it's where the Buddha what happens is a monk gets killed by a snake.

And they go the monks go to the Buddha and they say,

This monk got killed by a snake.

And the Buddha says,

Well,

If the monk had met for the snake,

He wouldn't have gotten killed.

And so people think,

Oh,

Yeah,

That's,

That's ridiculous.

How can you think about that?

But what the Buddha taught in that was practicing meta towards all of these beings.

That they they know they have the potential to hurt to hurt you.

But you practice meta towards them.

And it says,

I have met for those with no feet,

With two feet,

With four feet,

With many feet.

And it says,

May those with many feet,

Two feet,

Four feet,

May those with these kind of feet not hurt me.

So I have met for you.

Please have met for me.

Don't hurt me.

You know,

So so it's important that you practice this and being in,

You know,

In in in warmer weather here in the woods,

You have ample practice for that.

So it's also good to practice with situations and experiences.

Metta is not just for living beings.

Right.

Why?

Because we're dealing with ill will in our mind.

We can have ill will towards experiences.

We can have ill will towards inanimate objects.

Dang microphone.

You know,

Stupid this,

Stupid that.

It's not that,

You know,

We really think that this whatever this inanimate object is of meaning,

And we really hate it.

It's just it's aversion in our mind.

And this is the the the focus of that aversion at the time.

So what you do,

You know,

Whatever that whatever experience,

Whatever thing,

Whatever situation,

You practice meta towards that.

You know,

It's not like you're saying microphone,

May you be well,

Happy and peaceful.

But you said what you say.

Okay.

You know,

Sometimes it's you know,

I've anthropomorphized things sometimes like,

Oh,

You know,

Thank you very much for for teaching me this lesson,

This kind of thing,

Finding ways that that help you in this regard.

Reviews

What a great talk on pausing a practicing. Sukiyoto.... if that's how it is spelled will be my practice today.

This very nice to hear, in a realistic non-perfect speech (forgetting words of a store-you're human!:). Thank you!

I first met Bikkhu Jay at Bhavana in 2015. It is a delight to hear his east coast retelling of Buddhist principles.

Listening to the Venerable's dharma talk brings about joy.

Very good 🙏

That was the most fun I’ve had listening to a talk; insightful and entertaining. Thank you 🙏🏼

This was excellent. Helpful, humorous, insightful and relatable 🙏🏼💮💙

Practice meta, an opportunity to appreciate the ordinary moments that life offers.

"Emanate metta." I love that.

Really interesting concept, a very hands on guidance that I will put into practice, thanskz!

Thank you so much this is so helpful. 🙏🌼

Amazing talk, is relatable and applicable to daily life

Learned a lot. Thank you! Loved it!!

I found this when I awakened at 1am and was struggling deeply with something. Metta changed me. Allowed me to let it go. This saved me!!!

Just what I needed to hear this morning.

I like the style, very down to earth. No confusing terminology. I will be following to learn more

Perfect inspiration and very useful for everyday life. Thanks a lot!!

Thank you so much for explaining Meta practice so well. Enjoyed this talk. Sat Nam 🙏

Thank you! Namaste.

Much metta to you