Take a deep breath in.
Hold it for a second.
Now let it go.
Inhale,
Hold,
And release.
Welcome to a hit of hope.
When I was in college,
Someone once asked me,
Betsy,
Can you drink half a beer and walk away from it?
At the time,
I wasn't drinking at all,
So I said,
Yeah,
I can.
The person's voice grew quiet.
I can't.
And I can't just stop at one.
Or two.
Or three.
It wasn't until a decade later that I understood what that person meant.
You see,
I didn't get drunk for the first time until I was in my thirties.
I remember three things very clearly from that night.
I remember laughing hysterically,
Then sobbing uncontrollably,
Then declaring very loudly,
No wonder people are alcoholics.
The numbness,
The freedom from inhibition.
Oh my God,
It was amazing.
And terrifying.
I suddenly knew exactly what that person had meant back in college.
I could see myself wanting to do this again and again.
What sweet relief from life.
So after that night,
I vowed that I would only have one drink a day,
Something I've pretty much stuck to ever since.
Inhale.
Exhale.
In Buddhism,
A Shanpa is defined as an urge or hook that triggers us,
Leaving us feeling inadequate,
Restless,
Uncertain,
Vexed,
Afraid.
This Shanpa could be anything from that look that your father gives you to your boss making you feel like you are at the stupid end of a lemming parade.
We don't like feeling that way,
So we look for something to relieve it.
This could be alcohol,
Opioids,
Betting,
Buying,
Exercising,
Sugar,
Potato chips,
Trying to be perfect in everything we do,
Or doing nothing at all because we are afraid we won't do it right.
The list is literally endless.
Inhale.
Exhale.
What matters is that a Shanpa is sticky,
Pulling up all kinds of roiling emotions that we do not want to feel.
So we do whatever it takes,
Which is where it gets troubling,
To get rid of those feelings.
In the Yoga Sutras,
Patanjali speaks of something similar,
A raga.
Considered one of the kleshas or afflictions that make us suffer,
A raga is an attachment.
But what I find most fascinating about this idea is that it is often considered an attachment to a pleasure that we are afraid we won't get to experience again.
So in my case,
I was flooded with pleasure at the sense of numbness and freedom I received that one time I got drunk.
I could have easily,
Easily chased that pleasure anywhere and everywhere,
Letting that pursuit dictate my life.
That's the key here with both Shanpas and ragas.
It's all about the locus of control.
The person doesn't control the behavior,
The behavior,
That pressing need for relief that is unbearable,
That pleasure outside of us that we are sure will make us happy forever.
Getting that is what controls the person.
One of the reasons Shanpas and ragas strike so often and so hard is because of our inability to sit and be with those difficult emotions.
Uncertainty,
Anxiety,
Feelings of worthlessness.
Not to mention all the different kinds of pain that we as humans can experience.
All of those things can be excruciating.
So no wonder it's tempting to take that edge off any way we can.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Let's be clear.
It isn't that pleasure is bad.
It's that healthy pleasure comes and goes as easily as a cloud in the sky.
Whereas Shanpas and ragas,
Which can quickly veer into addiction,
They come with a hook and a cost.
It can be relatively small,
Or it can take absolutely everything from us or fall somewhere in between.
Like me,
You've probably heard people declare that things like meditation and yoga can be the fix for everything.
But I'm not that naive.
These wants and behaviors that can turn into addiction are multi-layered issues.
And there are many things at play.
For instance,
You have to realize that it is a problem.
It occurs to me that if we don't want to ask someone else if they think something is a problem with us,
Then it's probably a problem.
Also,
Some addictions seem healthy.
Exercise,
Eating right,
Cleanliness,
So they are easy to defend.
But again,
The question is,
Does the person control the behavior?
Or does the behavior control the person?
Well,
Meditation is not a cure-all.
It is a method a person can use to help them navigate the hooks and afflictions that come with being human.
Because the whole idea of meditation is to stay and let the things pass.
So stay with the thoughts,
The anxieties,
The discomfort.
And don't let anyone kid you,
This is not easy.
But if you can practice staying with that discomfort,
Breathing into it,
Knowing that that discomfort is going to arise and maybe storm,
But then disappear.
If you can do that and stay,
Even when all of the feelings are roiling around inside.
Well,
Then maybe you can carry that ability out into the world,
Which makes it easier and easier to weather those sticky emotions.
Inhale.
Exhale.
It's easy to let those emotions have control and to keep our struggles hidden.
I know I've done it before,
But there is something about bringing our pain and fear into the light of day.
I swear it lessens the power it has over us.
Being human is hard.
May we all find ways to manage the pain and uncertainty in ways that do not leave behind any damage.
May we all find ways to reach out for help when we need it.
And may you know,
You are worthy.
You are enough.
Just as you are sitting here,
Breathing in,
Breathing out.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Namaste.
