Performing

Do you ever feel as if you have to perforM, as if you have to be a particular person, behave in a particular way? Of course, this can help us to move through our lives well. But some of roles we perform may feel like imprisonment. Betsy talks about playing roles we don't like.

Reviews

What a lesson - be you ! Thank you for
Your wisdom.... the cage is open and I am free.

Badass⚡️🕺🏻🕺🏽⚡️

You always inspire me. I love the laughter you bring on, but also the strength and soft heart.
Thank you again.

Love and fight for your most authentic self. Excellent words to live by. Thank you.

My mind ran parallel lines of thought as I listened. On the side attending to the perceived intent of your HoH, I was intrigued by the flip side of this story. The other side was contemplating how the first side related to my identification more with the baby Dumbo over the years, and the motivating factors that have allowed me to continue on in that light.

I had not considered Jumbo's predicament before, not really. I cried at that particular scene, still do almost every time. (I have not seen the live-action version, so I refer solely to the Disney animated movie.) I simply never considered the maternal wisdom locked up and largely unavailable to aid her child.

I have played roles and worn masks, given performances and more the majority of my life. In some cases it has been self-imposed. In others, where family and societial expectations come into play, it feels these roles have been forced upon me. While I suspect this to be true for most people, the Aspergian experience is replete with such things. It only depends on how aware one chooses to be of it, how important it is to you, and how much effort you put into playing those roles after learning the lines and corresponding body movements.

I rarely feel truly able to be myself around others. I at times long for less self-awareness so that I could relax and not so keenly feel the strange and often disapproving looks my utterances or behaviorisms generate. Small talk serves a function, but I give it token attention, no more than what is required for a specific situation according to my studying of similar scenarios. I am interested in the deeper thoughts and motivations of others, but asking makes people uncomfortable. Slogging through small talk until they are comfortable makes ME uncomfortable in the meantime, and occasionally I just don't have it in me to keep wearing that particular mask.

How interesting, then, to consider that locked away under the mask I wear, is my own core wisdom. In wearing my mask, in playing that role, I am facing away from my inner self, figuratively turning my back on the wisdom and support within my own self.

The need for masks in some situations is still going to be there. But now, perhaps, I will focus less on facing forward, and have an ear turned to my understudy standing behind me, feeding me lines of wisdom when I falter. I will turn around and thank my wise inner self for the guidance, and acknowledge the comfort it brings me to know that this part of me is always present, no matter what. I am not alone.

In high school, I spent some time as the co-captain of the mascot squad. I enjoyed that greatly. We wore full body costumes and had a decades-old tradition of maintaining secrecy as to who was inside the suit, often switching out once it twice during appearances so we could be seen in the stands and not be suspected of having played the role. I could act wild and crazy and not be bothered by saying anything wrong (our mascot did not speak) or giving misinterpreted facial expressions due to the total coverage of the headpiece. That mask is the only one that truly set me free to be me. Masks CAN have some value....but even then, I listened to my inner guidance for direction when needed.

The other thought process I had was recognizing that in identifying with Dumbo exclusively, I had put myself in a starting position of being helpless and controlled by others. That may have bee true as an infant and my childhood, but to identify with that as an adult is unnecessarily placing myself in an unmerited subservient condition.

True, the journey of Dumbo is inspiring, and I no doubt will continue to use some of the references there, but at the end of the day, he reunites with Jumbo, his mother, who has been caged the majority of the time. He reunites with his caged wisdom, guidance, and support. A metaphor perhaps for healing the fractured whole.

One of my favorite poems came to mind as I listened to this, as it always does when Dumbo is mentioned. Robert MacLean writes about the things he wants to do. The poem opens with a few lines of observation of his surroundings in nature, and concludes with, "And I can't remember who I'm supposed to be." The rest of the poem is a list of what he WANTS to do and be and feel. Though never explicitly stated, I have always felt it was written in some sort of rebellion against a societal expectation or role he has been made to feel he must play. While it is set in a purely nature-based setting, the final line of the poem has resonated with me for years and is underlined in the book. It is a symbol I use for so many things when I need personal encouragement, and which has always struck me as an oblique reference to Dumbo.

"Sometimes even a single feather's enough to fly."

Fly, yes. Destination?

Having listened to this HoH, I think the previously murky destination in my mind has become crystal clear.

I will fly home to my inner Jumbo, the wisdom and guidance contained within me and behind me as I face outward, looking at the world through the eyeholes of a mask that conceals my true self. The self that the patient and wise Jumbo knows and loves no matter what others say.

I see the light in you. May you have your own feather whenever you need it most. 🤲🏻❤️🤲🏻