Hi there,
My name is Barry Zwaristine and you are listening to the Post-Military Transitioning Challenges talks.
I am a combat veteran,
Psychologist and author with over 20 years of sitting with veterans and current serving.
The PMTC talks can support you to achieve a successful navigation into civilian territory.
The core mission of my talks is that no veteran should ever have to come home to die.
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Today I want to look at two lessons.
I'm going to look at lesson four,
Which we're going to focus on learning to clarify,
And lesson five,
We're going to talk about your arcs of fire and how these two can have a positive or very negative impact on your relationships.
So let's begin with clarify.
I remember a veteran once said to me,
He said the following,
I remember when my wife used to start a discussion about how unsupported she was feeling.
I immediately used to get fired up.
I was doing everything I could to hold part-time work.
I'd been trying to cut down on my drinking and had been seeing a counselor.
The more defensive I became,
The more frustrated she would get.
It was all downhill from there.
It was only when I realized that it was not about justifying or defending my position,
But rather asking for more information and allowing her to talk that we began to make progress.
If you go back to your experience in the military,
You never rushed into any unmapped territory.
You took time to observe,
To look at a map and identify points of risks.
So why rush in blindly into a conversation?
Ask for more information.
Ask for clarification.
Use questions such as,
Can you tell me more about what you're saying?
Can you give me some examples of what you see me doing?
What would it look like for you to see me as being more supportive?
The thing is that the very asking of these questions allows the other person an experience of being listened to.
It also creates a stop gap to regroup,
Breathe and ground yourself.
Often as soon as we feel listened to,
We are more likely to feel supported,
Mission achieved.
Now you know,
As I've said previously,
The act of learning to listen without reacting is critical.
To be able to clarify,
To ask questions,
To give the other person an opportunity to talk about how they're feeling and what they think,
Demands that you are able to stay calm and focused in your body.
So each of these relationship lessons progresses to a point where whether what the other person is saying at you is correct or not,
That is not the issue.
As long as they are respectful,
They have a right to be heard.
So see how that goes.
If you are in relationships where you're kind of becoming quite reactive,
You don't give the other person to talk,
You tend to react quite quickly when you feel you've been criticized or judged,
Take time to breathe and just take time to listen and ask those questions.
Relationship lesson five is about your arcs of fire.
Now for those of you that don't have a background in the military,
Your arc of fire is,
It's a specific range left or right that determines where you will fire your weapon in a challenging situation.
It ensures that you do not cause harm or damage to people left or right of you.
A veteran said to me,
He said,
There were so many moments when I just used to lose it.
I'd go off at my family and friends while driving on the road and at my coworkers.
I was like a runaway gun,
Just shooting my mouth off at anything and everyone.
Now as I said,
Arcs of fire are there for the sole purpose of not placing others at risk.
It's critical to identify your boundaries and not allow yourself to be abused or used.
These behaviors and the setting and communication of limits are well within your arcs of fire.
Start to identify these arcs in all your situations.
Identify who and what fits in the arc and what is outside of it.
Learn to step back from what is outside your area of responsibility.
Learn to communicate effectively and clearly with what falls within your area of influence.
Learn tools to regulate your emotions.
Remember Cockhook and Look,
Take a moment,
Breathe and create a space between the situation as you perceive it and your triggered reaction.
First use the cock hook in this space and then have a good look.
For a moment,
Try and go into OP mode,
Step back and get out of what could become your killing ground.
Remember that what you are going to do will define who you are and can be.
Now you are entitled to feel what you want but you are responsible for what you do with these feelings.
Maintaining your arcs of fire really takes discipline and an awareness of others around you.
Your spouse,
Children,
Friends,
Other drivers,
People on the street and co-workers are part of your unit,
They are not the enemy.
So I hope these two concepts in terms of starting to define your arcs of fire,
Learning how you behave within those arcs of fire,
Starting to think about whether you are reacting and turning into those that love you,
Into the enemy,
But also learning to breathe,
Step back and give people an opportunity to talk to you and express how they feel.
I hope this helps and look forward to you regrouping at the next talk.
Take care,
Cheers,
Bye.
