“the Letter”-Bridging Into Shared Understandings.

A shared, mindful and moving experience for Veterans and partners to bridge into understanding and compassion, change and strong connection. "The Letter" speaks from the heart of a Veteran. It words what can often not be spoken. It can facilitate open hearted meeting.

Transcript

Hi there,

My name is Barry Zwaristine and you are listening to the Post-Military Transitioning Challenges talks.

I am a combat veteran,

Psychologist and author with over 20 years of sitting with veterans and current serving.

The PMTC talks can support you to achieve a successful navigation into civilian territory.

The core mission of my talks is that no veteran should ever have to come home to die.

Hi and thanks for taking time to connect with me.

Wherever you currently are,

I hope that life is treating you well and that these talks are in some way contributing positively to how you are managing your transition process.

If you feel these talks are benefiting you,

Please follow my profile.

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At the end of the talk,

Please take some time to rate and comment as this supports me to move forward with my vision and service to veterans.

In one of my previous talks,

I read the letter out.

This letter,

For those of you that may not have listened to this talk,

Really emerged from many years of listening and being with veterans as they talked about how difficult it was for them to communicate with their families.

And often I would find myself helping them to create a script,

Helping them to put this letter together to bridge between them and their families and create something to support them in ways they could not word.

And eventually I put together a generic letter and I handed it over to veterans and said,

Look,

You can use this,

Modify it and create something that's relevant to your territory and that can support you to bridge into communication.

Now,

I was really deeply moved the other day to receive the most extraordinary response to this letter.

In fact,

You know,

To be honest,

It almost had me in tears.

And when I read it to my wife,

She was in tears as well.

So thank you for sharing your words.

Thank you for opening your heart.

Thank you for sharing your extraordinary love of your amazing veteran.

It touched me deeply.

I have no doubt that the words following are going to touch you all very deeply.

And this is what was said,

I've loved my combat veteran for 24 years.

And your talk was like a letter from him to me so much in his heart and memories he can never share.

But this gave me more understanding than I imagined I'd learned just 30 minutes ago.

It brought tears from 24 years of loving this grieving,

Difficult,

Tough as nails,

Sweet,

Gentle,

Loving,

Crazy Marine.

I will be even more gentle with him now.

I never imagined how difficult and crazy this life was with him and how it was going to be when we married.

But there's no better man and partner on this earth for me.

Thank you for this powerful talk.

It was like a letter from him.

He shared some,

But not all,

Of these exact words and feelings,

Just hinting at the depth of pain,

Anger,

Horror,

Sorrow,

And my God,

Always vigilant.

I always feel very safe,

At least with him,

Despite his annoying loving need to know where I am,

Just in case whatever may happen.

Hearing this will be life changing for us both.

Even if I don't share it with him,

I will just accept and love him with a bit more patience.

But I'm sure I will at some point encourage him to listen to this as well.

God bless you and your work.

God bless you too.

And thank you for your words.

Really powerful.

And what I'd like to do now is move on to the letter.

But before doing that,

Have a think about whether you would like to bring somebody in at this spot or right from the very beginning,

It's up to you.

And somebody you trust,

A loved one,

A partner,

A friend,

Whoever it may be,

And invite them to share this with you that I'll leave up to you.

You just have to pause,

Set it up and away we go.

So without further ado,

Let's move on to the letter.

Even though too much of where I've been and what I've seen,

Cannot be spoken.

And even though my present feels like such a struggle at times,

Both for you and me,

I remain a proud veteran who still believes in loyalty and who's willing to put my life on the line for others.

Many times it felt as if my brain remained on the battlefield.

The sound of a car backfiring became the enemy coming in contact with me.

Hitting the ground may have been a joke to you and others,

But it was life and death to me.

The flashbacks felt too real and every corner was a potential ambush.

I know that insisting that I sit in restaurants with my back against the wall was difficult for you to really understand or that trying to talk to me in a shopping center when I was scanning everyone walking past was irritating.

I know that at times you felt that after all these years I should have moved on.

I wish things were that simple as I was desperate to move on.

But every day was another day at war of being vigilant and of struggling with depression,

Stress,

Anxiety,

Grief and trauma.

For me there has been no escape.

My nights are full of nightmares and my days find me wanting to escape to safety and silence.

I've not given the best of myself to you all and I've never rested well with this.

I know you've struggled with the bonds I still have with the soldiers I served and that at times this bond has felt more connected than the bond I have with you.

I know you've felt frustrated by my refusal to talk about that time of my life.

It's not that I don't want to share.

It's that I can't.

There are things that I've never talked about and that haunts me every day of my life.

These are memories that I don't even share with other veterans.

But I also have memories that I can't share with anyone who hasn't been there.

I've tried to talk to civilians in the past but the look in their eyes showed me how complex,

In fact impossible,

It was for them to understand me.

I know my silence has hurt you and for that I am sorry.

It isn't personal.

I know you've said that you're willing to listen and I've been grateful for that.

But these are stories that I cannot share with you.

Please understand.

At times it feels as if I have a room full of memories that I've locked away not only from others but from myself.

They still affect my mood,

My sleep and my ability to connect with others.

But I know and feel that my deepest fear is that if I ever began to open this box I wouldn't be able to control what would come out.

It's hard enough just dealing with the surface of it all.

I promise you that I will do whatever it takes to become a better partner,

A parent and a friend.

I know that the ways I've tried to cope with the memories and experiences haven't always served me and others well.

I am willing to look at what I can do to heal and find more peace.

Please try not to judge or push me into change.

It's hard enough for me to begin to open up to my suffering,

My grief and my anger.

My moods have never been easy for you.

I have times when I feel on edge for no apparent reason or feel down.

Again this is not personal.

What I need is some time and space just to be alone to catch my breath.

I am grateful for the years in which you stood by me and done your very best to support me,

Even when I behaved in ways that made life difficult for you.

They say that there's no such thing as an unwounded warrior.

We were young then and we felt immortal.

We never understood the price we would eventually pay for everything we did that we saw and experienced.

Age has not diminished the pain.

If anything,

The pain has only become more intense,

But I am willing to change.

Thank you all for listening to the letter.

No matter how many times I've read it,

It always touches me very deeply.

And I will always be grateful for the privilege of sitting with a tribe of extraordinary veterans and current serving.

I'm also grateful for having sat with the partners of veterans.

You have all trusted me with your journeys,

Your presence,

Your values,

Attributes,

As well as your pain,

Your grief,

And your loss.

You are all the reason for my mission and service to ensure that no veteran needs to come home to die.

I may have impacted on your lives,

But you have all impacted on me,

Both as a veteran,

A father,

A husband,

A friend,

And a psychologist.

There is an African word,

Ubuntu,

Which means I am what I am because of who we all are.

We are across generations,

Wars and countries,

Living or deceased,

One heart,

One tribe.

Thank you until we gather again.

Reviews

Well, I'm not close to any veterans. So it didn't really seem like the talk for me. but if I was, it would be.