Hi,
I'm Barry Zworesteen and this is part six of the audio version of Which Ways Your Warrior Facing,
An operational manual for current serving and veterans transitioning into civilian life.
Today we're going to look at a number of strategies which we will do over a couple of recordings around how to operate interrelationship territory with yourself and others,
Significant others,
Partners,
Friends,
Family,
And using your operational skill sets to draw on to create the change that you need or wish for.
How many partners of veterans note that their husbands or wives seem to have a more intimate connection with their military tribe than within the family?
For veterans and current serving,
Tribe is based on unconditional support through adversity and suffering.
It is a deep bond forged through the military ritual of being broken down and reformed.
It is about the shared memories of operations often unspoken but deeply etched into the marrows of the bones.
This bond is not something that can be easily grasped or understood by others and as a result it can erode the foundation of connection with partners if not spoken about.
Over the years partners I have spoken with have continually noted how the veterans they love bring the war back home.
They describe their reactivity,
Moodiness,
Need for control,
Hypervigilance,
Isolation,
Ease of being triggered,
Difficulties and difficulties navigating through intimacy and challenges in communication.
They note that their veterans seem to be wired for the fight-or-flight instinct.
They struggle with the deep bonds that they have with their fellow veterans which often feel more intimate than those between themselves and their partners.
Now I need to declare that I'm not a relationship expert nor do I work with couples.
So this book is therefore not an in-depth exploration of coupled work but many of the lessons and I'm talking about the constructive ones that fit into civilian territory that you learned in your military life and on operation can also be applied to your relationship.
I once worked with a veteran who was aware of his reactivity to his wife.
In situations of disagreement or whenever he felt he was being criticized he would become dismissive,
Aggressive or just walk away.
I asked him how he behaved when patrolling through a village where the women of the village had been verbally and physically aggressive towards him.
He noted that he paid no attention to them and had maintained a controlled and neutral position.
So I then asked him how come when his wife wanted to communicate her frustration and feelings towards him he reacted as if she were the enemy and were armed.
And I could see that that analogy drawing on past experience into the present challenge it really hit the mark.
And I reminded him that if he could demonstrate self-control in these situations he could again learn to achieve more constructive ways of communicating with appropriate support.
I would like to stress that the brain at war does not differentiate territories.
It will behave in civilian life the same way as it does in military life.
But you have all learned the discipline of self-control.
If the challenges of what you've been through at war have impacted the positive qualities of being a warrior then please see someone and get some help.
You are not short of courage.
Draw on the resources in this book on your friends,
Supporting professionals and veteran organizations in your own country.
You owe it to yourself as well as to those who love and care for you.
As a contribution to becoming more effective in connecting with your significant others I have identified seven strategies or protocols that can support you while also getting support you need.
And today we're going to look at the first one.
I'm going to start with something a veteran said to me.
They said I don't know what happens every time my partner brings an issue or concern to me about the relationship.
I immediately feel like no matter what I do I'm going to get judged or blamed and that it's always going to be my fault.
I get irritated,
Frustrated and worked up.
I can see that I'm becoming abrupt and argumentative.
As things escalate I start to feel out of control to the point where I either get out of the room or start becoming aggressive.
They feel like the enemy to me at that point and we often just end up screaming at each other till one of us bursts into tears.
Now you can try a few things to avoid getting to this point.
Point one,
As you enter any potentially tricky communication just breathe.
This will bring down the back of your brain.
Two,
Have a drink of icy water,
Carry a bottle in your back pocket or nearby which also helps change the blood flow.
Three,
Don't see this as an attack.
Adopt the position of first wanting to listen so that you can understand.
Ask your partner to tell you more about why they are feeling this way.
Remember that the other person's story is real for them but it may not be your experience but your partner has the right or your friend has the right to be listened to.
Four,
Is go into OP mode.
If your inner child is taking it personally then step away from and invite your adult in.
Listen and breathe.
In the end it's often not so much about a scoreboard of who is right or wrong but just the experience of somebody respectfully listening to you.
Please remember that listening is all about keeping your safety on and ensuring that you are not locked and loaded.
And five,
Before getting into tricky territory,
If you become quickly overwhelmed find a quiet time with your partner and negotiate that you will take a brief time out to focus and center and then return to the conversation.
As one partner of a veteran once said to me,
It doesn't matter what I do,
If I try and communicate how I'm feeling without blame,
He immediately takes it personally and gets uptight,
Defensive and aggressive.
I feel like I'm always walking on eggshells and having to be hyper vigilant around him.
I love him but I end up feeling so alone.
I just wish he could learn to listen.
He doesn't need to fix things and I'm not trying to attack him.
So just a summary,
Short,
Sharp and easy.
Point one,
Manage your safety through communicated time out,
Breathing,
Having a glass of cold water or having a cold shower is an emergency protocol.
Two,
Adopt the position of first wanting to listen so that you can understand.
Three,
Remember that listening is all about keeping your safety on and ensuring that you are not locked and loaded.
And four,
If you become quickly overwhelmed then find a quiet time with your partner and negotiate that you will take a brief time out to focus,
Center and then return to the conversation.
So take a moment and breathe.
If you've got a journal pull it out and just stay with us for a few minutes and then see what comes to mind as you reflect on what we looked at today and then just document.
You can always come back to that over time.
And the one quote I'd like to leave you with is,
Remember that your loved ones are not the enemy.
They are the people that love you and support you and as much as you may be struggling in your transition from the military,
They too are struggling with what you bring home.
It's not about who's right or wrong,
It's about everybody's trying to figure it out and sometimes getting lost on the way.
So until we catch up next time,
I hope that this in some way gives you something to work with and create the change,
Some positive change for you in the relationships you may be having,
Whether they're with your friends,
Your boss,
Your relationships,
Your children.
And until then,
I wish you well,
Look after yourselves,
Take care and we'll catch up with each other again soon.
Take care and goodbye.
