Thriving As An Empath

Do you absorb other people’s emotions and/or physical symptoms due to heightened sensitivities? Do you become overwhelmed in intimate relationships? You feel drained in large crowds? Are you highly intuitive? Judith Orloff, MD talks about what's an empath, types of empaths, the gifts of being one and most importatnly self-care tips and strategies for thriving as an empath.

Transcript

I am Anna Seewald and this is Authentic Parenting,

A podcast about personal development in the context of parenting,

Where I explore how you can find more calm,

Connection and joy in parenting through the process of self-discovery and inner growth with a trauma-informed lens.

Are you impacted by the feelings of those around you?

Do people describe you as empathetic?

Perhaps you have always had the ability to feel the emotions and physical symptoms of others as if they were your own.

If this rings true in your life,

You may be an empath.

Today we are talking about empaths.

What does it mean to be an empath?

What are the signs of an empath?

The gifts of being one?

The difference between highly sensitive people and empaths?

Types of empaths?

And some tips and strategies for thriving in the world for empaths?

Also,

How to recognize that your child might be an empath and how to support the sensitivities of your child?

My guest today is Dr.

Judith Arloff.

She is the New York Times bestselling author of the Empath Survival Guide,

Life Strategies for Sensitive People.

Her new book,

Thriving as an Empath,

Offers daily self-care tools for sensitive people along with its companion,

The Empaths Empowerment Journal.

Dr.

Arloff is a psychiatrist,

An empath,

And is on the UCLA Psychiatric Clinical Faculty.

She synthesizes the pearls of traditional medicine with cutting-edge knowledge of intuition,

Energy,

And spirituality.

Quite unique.

Dr.

Arloff also specializes in treating highly sensitive,

Empathic people in her private practice.

Her work has been featured on The Today Show,

CNN,

Oprah Magazine,

The New York Times.

Dr.

Arloff has spoken at Google LA and has a popular TEDx talk.

And her other books are Emotional Freedom and Guide to Intuitive Healing.

You can learn more on her website at drjudidarloff.

Com.

That's drjudidarloff.

Com.

And now please enjoy this fascinating conversation with Dr.

Judith Arloff.

Dr.

Arloff,

Welcome to Authentic Parenting.

Thank you.

I'm happy to be here.

Yes.

Why don't we begin by defining what's an empath?

We hear this word these days,

Right?

It gets tossed around a lot.

But I want you to define it for us.

Well,

I'm a psychiatrist in Los Angeles.

I'm also an empath.

So what I do is combine my traditional medical skills along with my empath abilities.

And an empath is somebody who is very sensitive,

Open,

Intuitive,

Giving,

But they tend to be emotional sponges and take on the stress of the world where they actually absorb it into their own bodies.

And so they often suffer from exhaustion,

Overwhelm,

Sensory overload.

They can't tell their emotions from other people's emotions because they take so much on.

And so empaths need to learn self-care techniques,

Which I talk about in Thriving as an Empath,

To center themselves,

To learn how not to absorb other people's stuff so that they can maximize their beautiful gifts of empathy and intuition and open heart and love.

And so you need to learn these skills to not take on other people's stuff.

And it's a skill set.

And the beautiful thing is that you can learn it.

Yes.

And I am an empath and for a very long time I was ashamed to admit it.

I was a closet empath.

But after learning and thanks to you and other people who speak about this,

I'm embracing it and I'm proud of it too.

Oh,

That's so beautiful,

Anna.

And it's so beautiful that you talk about the shaming because shaming is a very common theme for empaths.

When I was a little girl,

I couldn't go into shopping malls or crowded places because I would walk in feeling fine and then leave either exhausted or depressed or anxious or with some ache or pain I didn't have before.

And my parents who are both doctors,

Then I come from a lineage of 25 physicians,

They said,

Oh dear,

Just get a thicker skin,

You know,

Toughen up,

Meaning there's something wrong with you.

And that's what I grew up feeling that there was something wrong with me.

And that's why I feel so strongly about counseling empath parents and empath children so the children could grow up proud of their sensitivities and with coping skills and how to deal with it.

Yes,

I remember I was shamed for crying and being quote unquote overly sensitive.

Even in college,

I remember one of my professors once said,

Oh,

We need to do some surgery to remove your tear ducts.

You know,

Oh my god.

That's Yeah,

That's horrific.

That's a great example.

And I love that.

That's very graphic.

But it's so emblematic of what happens to empaths.

And on January 3rd of thriving as an empath,

The section is called I am not too sensitive.

And I have many of us have received images and messages from parents,

Teachers,

Friends or media that being sensitive is a fault or a weakness.

It's important to evaluate any old shaming ideas that there's anything wrong with you.

Whenever someone criticizes your sensitivity,

Don't believe it.

So that's the message of January 3rd entry.

But that's if you're an empath,

And you've been shamed.

That's one of the first things you deal with is being able to reprogram that shame and realize those people who said those things didn't know what they were talking about.

Yes,

Yes.

What's the difference between a highly sensitive person and an empath?

Are they on the same continuum?

Yes,

I the way I look at it is there's a continuum where you have empathy in the middle.

And empathy is when your heart goes out to somebody else in love or in pain and you feel for them.

Then higher up on the spectrum is the highly sensitive person who has all the sensory components,

Meaning they're sensitive to light,

Sound,

Touch,

Smells,

Too many people.

And they have very acute sensitivities,

But they don't have the absorptive capacities of an empath.

So an empath is a little bit higher up on the continuum,

Where they're emotional sponges.

And they might even have enhanced intuitive abilities to really be able to know things about people and see things and connect to animals and the earth in very,

Very deep,

Profound ways.

So that's the higher end of the spectrum.

Yes.

And you say that there are different types of empaths,

Correct?

Yes.

In the empath survival guide,

I go through the different types.

And you could be an emotional empath,

Somebody who picks up emotions from other people.

You can be a physical empath where you actually can feel the physical well-being or the physical distress in somebody.

And you feel it.

Medical intuitives are often physical empaths where they can feel your stomach ache or your headache in their body.

And hopefully they know how to release it and don't keep it in their bodies.

And they're plant empaths,

They're intuitive empaths,

Where the intuition in these type of empaths is growing and developing and so strong that the inner voice,

The gut feeling is very,

Very strong.

And you could develop it so that it's even stronger,

Which is what I teach my patients and workshop participants,

Because I believe that intuition is a great gift of the empath.

And then you have animal empaths,

Empaths who feel a very deep connection with their animal friends and all creatures of the earth.

Very beautiful communion.

And then there are plant empaths,

Ones that love green growing things and need to be out in nature and can commune with the plants.

And not just,

Oh,

The plants are so pretty,

That,

Oh,

I could feel the plants and the plants can feel me.

It's not esoteric at all.

It's just a level of depth that empaths can touch.

And a lot of other people can't touch that,

But empaths can go deep.

And that's what I love about being an empath so much is my capacity to go deep.

That means a lot to me and to connect deeply with the natural world and people and my patients and just the mysteries of the universe.

I like that going deep.

But for the empaths who are with non-empaths,

They have spouses or friends,

Those friends might not necessarily share those qualities.

Oh,

Yeah.

My daughter is a non-empath and she's almost 12.

And I am very sensitive to sound.

And I communicate that to my family.

I always tell them,

Can you turn that down?

I'm sensitive.

And she always says,

Mom,

Come on,

You're so sensitive,

Mom,

You and your sensitivity issues.

She gets annoyed by it.

And I'm like,

Wow,

She's not an empath.

She's not getting me yet.

Hopefully one day she will understand that there's nothing wrong with her mom.

That's how I'm built.

And I'm not making this up to be a drama queen,

Right?

Yeah,

Definitely.

But at this point,

Being a parent of a non-empath child,

You can tell her,

This is my nature.

I'm just wired this way.

And I would love it if you could support me in this.

I realize you're not sensitive to sounds,

But I am.

And that's the way you can support me.

So you could call on her support rather than just waiting for the day when she can understand.

Yeah,

That's a good point.

I may have to try that today when she comes back from school.

Yeah,

Because she doesn't get it because it's like you see the color green,

But they don't.

So it's like trying to explain the color green to them when they don't perceive the world in that way.

Yes.

I'm connected to the nature a lot.

I think I'm the emotional empath and the nature empath.

And when we walk in nature together,

I go outside every day and I talk to plants and see things and I take photographs.

And when I show it to her,

She goes,

Yes,

So what mom?

Like her reaction is,

It's not,

I am in awe.

I like her.

She's feisty.

I am in awe with nature and I see and feel things and she's like,

Yeah,

That's just a stick mom,

You know,

To her it's just a stick.

Yeah,

You might not know that.

I mean,

Sometimes,

You know,

Children do the exact opposite of their parents just to do the opposite.

So,

You know,

If you made less of a point of it and let her have her experience,

You don't want to over overwhelm her experience with your joy.

Yes.

What type are you,

I'm curious.

I'm an emotional empath.

I'm a physical empath to some degree and I'm an intuitive empath very,

Very strongly.

Yes.

Do you use the gifts of intuition or just the gifts of being an empath?

And how do you enjoy the gifts that you have,

Especially the intuition?

I would love to know.

Well,

As a psychiatrist,

That's what I do.

When a patient comes in to see me or in my workshops,

That's what I do.

I've used all my scientific skills to analyze people in the traditional way.

And I'm always listening with my gut,

With my energy,

With my sense of knowing other information that comes in about them.

So I could integrate that with what my scientific background tells me.

And intuition and science go together so naturally.

And it's just for me,

The practice of medicine and psychiatry is a total joy because of this ability.

It's not flat.

It's not boring.

I could always,

You know,

The energy is always happening in our sessions because,

You know,

I'm able to get to that place and listen and hear things maybe just strictly linear.

People can't.

So that's in my professional life.

And I'm doing a workshop at Omega next October.

You know,

I just wanted to put that out if people would like to come and learn more.

But also the joy of intuition is just our ability to perceive,

To be able to walk by the ocean.

I live by the ocean in Los Angeles and be able to kind of intuit the ancient echoes of the sea,

You know,

And only somebody who's in touch with intuition could really get that.

Intuition is very poetic.

And it's not linear,

But you could feel things and you get messages from nature.

Or you feel,

You know,

The earth.

And you feel in meditation.

Meditation is a big practice for me.

And it's a grounding practice for empaths.

You could begin to feel the nuances of the heart,

You know,

Which is my main spiritual practice is developing the loving kindness within and opening up the heart and being able to feel layer upon layer of opening.

So intuition gives you the ability to sense what's going on in other people too.

So it helps you communicate better.

Even if you don't like somebody,

You can intuit or empathically feel their point of view.

And that's why I love empathy so much is because it's important.

Even if you're in an argument with your spouse or you're dealing with an energy vampire,

Which is a theme,

Or a narcissist,

Which is the theme I talk about in the book,

You want to see where they're coming from.

You know,

You don't want to just be triggered by them.

You want to see where they're coming from to know how best to communicate with them.

And your intuition and empathy can get you there.

I know you have a quiz.

I was wondering if you could give a few of the questions if someone wants to know whether they are an empath or not.

Of course,

They can take the quiz,

Get the books,

But can you give me a few questions?

Yeah,

I can.

And there's also a quiz.

Is your child an empath?

Oh,

That's a good one too.

Yes.

I think many people would love to know that.

Yeah,

That's on page 143 of the empath survival guide.

And is your child an empath?

Does your child feel things deeply?

Do people,

Crowds,

Noise or stress over stimulate your child?

Does your child have strong reactions to sad or frightening scenes in books or movies?

Does your child want to escape and hide from family gatherings because there's too much going on?

Does your child feel different from other kids or complain about not fitting in?

Is your child a good listener and compassionate?

Does your child surprise you with intuitive comments about others or yourself?

Does your child have a strong connection to nature,

To plants and animals or even stuffed animals?

Does your child require a lot of alone time rather than playing with other kids?

So these are just a few of the questions.

There's some more in that particular quiz.

And that's in the chapter on empaths,

Parenting and raising sensitive children.

Now,

Which is so important.

If you have a sensitive child,

Go right to this chapter in the empath survival guide because it'll give you guidelines for optimizing the strengths of your child and helping them deal with the challenging parts.

Their feelings are hurt,

They're crying,

They're not feeling seen with a capital S.

So those are some of the questions.

And in the beginning of the book,

I have a general quiz for determining if you are an empath and some of the quiz some of the questions,

You know,

Include have I been labeled quote overly sensitive or introverted all my life?

Do I feel like I don't fit in?

Do crowds drain me and do I need alone time to revive myself?

That's a big thing for empaths is getting enough alone time.

I can't tell you how important that is for me.

Do noise smells or nonstop talkers overwhelm me?

That's a big one.

That's a big one for me too.

Yes.

Do I prefer taking my own car places so that I can leave early if I need to?

I know a lot of people don't have cars.

But you know,

If you,

You know,

Want to just get out of a social situation,

So you don't have to be stuck there for five hours.

That's,

You know,

Maybe an empath sign.

Am I afraid of becoming suffocated by intimate relationships?

That's very common because empaths,

You know,

Need to navigate their personal space if they live with somebody or if they want an intimate relationship.

And there's a whole chapter on empaths and love in the empath survival guide.

Do I tend to socially isolate?

Because empaths might feel overwhelmed and want to stay home,

Not go out and just stay with their animals.

Do I absorb other people's stress,

Emotions or symptoms?

That's really a big one.

Yes.

I was going through this a few weeks ago and it was really not good.

And then when I realized that I was absorbing someone else's anxiety,

A friend who is going through divorce and hearing the domestic violence and you know,

It was affecting me and I had to take a break for a few days,

Not meet this person.

And then I recovered and I realized that I was taking her own emotions and they didn't belong to me.

They were not my feelings.

Exactly.

But let me give you a tip for a self-care tip because that happens to me all the time where people start up with some long or some story that I don't want to hear.

And so I'll just nicely interrupt them and say,

You know,

Hey,

There's too much information.

It happened the other night.

And they just kind of look at you and smile because I do it with a smile and like in a light way,

I don't do it,

You know,

Really heavy,

But you've got to stop them in their tracks so all that doesn't go into you.

And it's okay if you do it with a,

You know,

In a nice tone and it's not like you're being angry or rude.

You're just saying,

Hey,

Too much information.

No,

I can't take it.

I'm too sensitive.

Yes.

Yes.

I agree to protect ourselves.

Care is so vital and I love your book,

Thriving as an Empath.

Each day you can read a little passage or as I do it,

I just turn randomly onto a specific page and intuitively choose what's the message for me for that day.

That works too.

What did you choose for today?

Do you remember?

I did not choose it.

I can do it now if you want.

Yes,

Please.

May 21st,

Mirror neurons.

Your brain has a specialized group of cells called mirror neurons,

Which are responsible for empathy and compassion.

So that's the message for today.

Set your intention.

I have a finely tuned mirror neuron system that is wired for compassion and empathy.

I will continue to seek balance between healthy giving and self care.

Yes.

Definitely,

But also to know there's science behind being an empath.

I think that's important for you to know in your explanations to people about what an empath is where you can call in the research on mirror neurons and say,

These are the compassion neurons and it's thought that these neurons are hyperactive in empathic people.

It's nice to be able to throw in a bit of science and to also know that if you're all the empaths listening out there that you have these mirror neurons,

Which are the beautiful compassion neuron system in the brain,

And they can get very hyperactive.

It's been shown in CT scans and MRIs that if your mate or someone you love gets wounded,

Your mirror neurons get activated.

So you're feeling what's going on in them.

So there's an intimate connection between you and other people,

And the mirror neurons are just one link to that.

Do we know what's the percentage of the general population that constitutes the empath population?

Well,

It's thought that there's about 10% of people,

But I think there's more.

As I've been traveling around on my book tour for Thriving as an Empath,

I have rooms and rooms and rooms of empaths who come and see me,

And people are telling me that because of the stress of the world,

They're getting their empath abilities ignited at an older age.

They've gone through their life not being an empath,

And suddenly there's so much stress in the world that their defense system is broken down,

And they're wide open,

And they have all these sensitivities they didn't have before.

So I think more and more empaths are awakening simply because of our traumatic stressful environment.

And so that brings me to a question then.

Are we wired this way,

Or is this genetic?

Is this something that happened to us as a result of early developmental trauma where more our nervous system is hypervigilant,

Hypersensitive,

Or a combination of all of those things?

Does science know?

Do we know any research?

Yeah.

There's a section in the Empath Survival Guide on the science of empaths,

And there are many components that could go into it.

I believe there's a genetic component that some babies just come out empaths,

That they're born that way.

Sometimes trauma figures in if you're raised by narcissistic or abusive or neglectful parents.

That can strip your defenses and make you more open and raw if you didn't get the nurturing that children deserve,

That babies deserve.

If you didn't have that maternal positive attachment,

That can create difficulties and bring out your empath traits.

And there's also the whole idea of dopamine,

Which is the pleasure hormone,

Where empaths are shown to be more sensitive to dopamine so they don't need as much.

So they'll be happier reading or walking in nature rather than going to,

Let's say,

A football game or a Rolling Stones concert where you get this big blast of dopamine.

Empaths don't need a big blast of anything.

We need little bits and pieces of things to feel satisfied.

So those are just some of the scientific theories that are involved with being an empath.

That is true.

My daughter,

Again,

I'm bringing her up,

She always say,

Mommy,

You're always so happy.

You don't need anything to be happy.

And that's true.

This is so fascinating to learn this new fact about empaths and the dopamine.

Yeah,

Yeah,

It's true.

We need less and sometimes we need less medication.

We need less light.

We need less sound because our systems are so wired and so neurologically sensitive.

We don't need that dose of reality to wake us up.

We can sense subtle things.

And that's a big difference between an empath and a non-empath.

We're wired to sense subtleties,

Whereas many people might need to get a bigger dose or get hit over the head with something to get it.

I was wondering if you could give a few tips for self-care and protecting ourselves,

Not to get too overwhelmed,

How to deal with the sensory overload.

I would love for you to share a few tips.

Your favorite tips,

Maybe the ones that you use.

I use everything in Thriving as an Empath.

I created this book.

It's a day book from January 1st to December 31st using the techniques that I use all the time because I love self-care.

It's really essential.

Like,

Here's one I just turned to,

February 29th,

Balance your personal and social needs.

It's important that empaths get enough alone time and enough quiet time without stimulation.

So if you over socialize,

You might get burnt out unless you're an extroverted empath.

And that's a little bit different because you extroverted empaths like to socialize a little bit more,

But they need to decompress and have alone time.

So one of the self-care techniques is balancing your personal and social time.

Spending time for silence is a self-care technique.

Creating periods of quiet allows you to recover from the intensity of our fast-paced world.

You might not realize how much the toxicity of noise drains you.

Sometimes you can barely hear yourself,

Let alone listen to your intuition.

Loud restaurants,

Sirens,

Jackhammers,

Incessant talking.

In response,

You may unconsciously wall off your sensitivities for protection and walk around defended or shut down.

Silence offers you a reprieve.

So that's another one.

Learning to put a shield or bubble around you when you're around toxic energy vampires or toxic people.

You visualize a beautiful shield of light around you that can keep out any toxicity and keep you safe,

You know,

Within a container.

It's not my job to take on the world's pain is January 12th in the Thriving Book,

Where you have to deal with any co-dependency issues that you have when you're an empath,

Meaning you can't see yourself as a savior for the world because empaths tend to over help.

And you know,

They want to help everyone.

Strangers,

Homeless,

Someone suffering,

You know,

Two blocks away,

They want to go there and help them.

And that's all very wonderful in a certain sense,

But it will drain you if you can't draw a boundary for what's healthy giving and what isn't healthy giving.

You don't want to martyr yourself,

Which many empaths do.

So learning to set boundaries is a key self-care technique.

Meditation to center yourself is a key self-care technique.

Breathing,

Moving the body,

Going out in nature,

Getting into a bath and letting water wash away the stress of the day.

You know,

I'm just listing them off.

There are a lot of wonderful ones that it's not work to use them.

It's a joy to use.

So you know,

You'll feel this incredible relief and also deeper connection and safety being an empath if you practice this self-care techniques and thriving as an empath.

And there's also,

I just want to say I have an online course for empaths,

Which is downloadable and it's on my website and it's nine lessons,

Which I offer and I teach,

You know,

They're each video lessons on empaths and work,

Empaths and love,

Empaths and health,

Empaths and parenting.

So there's also a beautiful course that you can download at your convenience on drjudadorlaf.

Com.

That's fantastic.

Yes,

I'm great.

I'm happy you mentioned that.

I want to finish this conversation by asking parents usually demand that their child behave better.

Sensitive children often remain misunderstood as we started this conversation that we were both shamed and misunderstood by our parents and teachers and society at large.

And I often hear,

You know,

I work with parents,

They say,

Oh,

My child did this and that.

And then when you ask them,

You know,

What did you do during the day?

They went to two noisy birthday parties.

They went to a pizza shop.

You know,

It's you can already hear that this particular child,

They have three children,

Let's say one of the children is a little sensitive and they want to apply the same cookie cut approach to all children.

And that just doesn't work.

I wonder if you could say a few words to the parents who are raising empaths and sensitive children.

Good point.

Yeah,

Children are different.

And you have to kind of see with a capital S who your child is.

And one child might be a non empath and might be really extroverted and want to go out and,

You know,

Play in team sports and loves going on play dates.

And the other one might like going in his room to daydream or walking out in nature with his father or,

You know,

A friend or his mother,

You know,

Just to do quieter things.

So you just have to see who your child is and support what the nature is.

And if your child is an empath,

You know,

They're going to need more quiet time and less stimulation and more time for creativity and introspection.

And they're going to have to learn how techniques not to take on the stress or the negative energy of people in the playground when they're very little.

And they're going to need certain skills.

So it's they're all learnable.

And so just know if your child's an empath or not.

You can tell if your child's an empath by taking the test in the empath survival guide and then cater to your child.

Just meet the child's needs.

Each child is different.

You know,

Each nothing not one is not better than the other.

It's just different.

You just have to learn how to honor who your child is and the differences between your children and not try and make an empath be a non empath.

That's where the damage comes in.

Yes,

Yes.

Well,

I want to thank you for your time and the work that you do.

And I love the fact that you combine your medical background with the spiritual knowledge or practices.

That's amazing and I'm positive the people that you work with are so lucky.

You know,

It's rare these days,

Right,

To go to a doctor and that kind of get that kind of approach.

I think that's pretty amazing.

Hopefully there'll be more like it.

And I'm giving also workshops for health care practitioners.

I'm giving one in March on the West Coast at 1440 Multiversity just for health care practitioners who want to learn these skills that I'm talking about to apply with patients.

So that's on my website too.

So I'm trying to do a lot of things to educate different parts of the world and society about empaths.

Yes,

That's great.

So people will give themselves permission to acknowledge and admit that they're empaths and not be ashamed or embarrassed and use their gifts.

Exactly.

I use it in my work too.

And I find it it's astounding sometimes when you can sense a person.

But without them telling a story yet,

Or I have like premonitions sometimes or I can look into the future.

I used to freak people out,

But I come to accept those parts of myself.

Yes,

How beautiful.

And if you're comfortable with those parts of yourself,

You can be a beautiful model for other people.

Yes.

Thank you.

Thank you again and have a fantastic 2020.

Oh,

You too.

And that is it,

My dear listener,

For this episode of the Authentic Parenting Podcast.

Are you an empath?

Do you know people in your life who are?

Perhaps you're raising one.

I would love to hear what new things you've learned from this episode.

Let's continue the conversation in our private Facebook group.

To join the group,

Visit my website,

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And FYI,

I will be giving away very soon Dr.

Judith Arloff's new book,

A copy of her book,

Thriving as an Empath,

360 Days of Self-Care for Sensitive People.

Our last book giveaway was very successful and very fun.

So I'll be doing more book giveaways on Instagram.

As always,

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And as always,

Connect to the present moment,

To yourself and your children.

Until next week,

I am Anna Siwold.

Thank you so much for listening.

Reviews

Great talk! I'm 64 yrs. young and it has taken many years to realize that I have empathetic characteristics. I work in a busy hospital setting 40 hours a week. It takes the entire weekend of hibernation for me (both physically and mentally) to gear up for the week ahead. TY Love and Blessings 💚🙏🥀

Great interview with so much info! 💗 Thank you both. 🙏🏼✨

Anna❣️ Thank you for this WONDERFULLY INFORMATIVE, INTERESTING, INSIGHTFUL, INSPIRING and ENCOURAGING discussion!

I could relate to SO much of what you and your guest spoke of, both personally and as a parent and grandparent. ❤️

At the age of62 years, mother to two daughters, 36 and 33 years old and 5 grandchildren from 6-14 years, I found this discussion a ‘Treasure Trove’ of Guidance.

If we were able to convince every parent to LISTEN and HEED the message shared here, what a difference it could make in the homes and relational environments of our world!

🙏🏻💕