Mentalizing The Modes With Symptom Deprivation Experiment

We all learned behaviours in childhood we thought we needed in order to cope. These are schema modes. In this guided meditation, we will take a look at our modes, seeing how they made sense at a certain time. And we'll explore who we are without them. For this practice, you are invited to bring a pen and paper to record any insights that might arise.

Transcript

Something that I think actually can help is if you take a little piece of note paper,

You know,

Where you can take a note or two during the meditation just to help keep yourself concentrated if you get a little insight so you can put that aside.

Okay,

So now bring to mind the problematic behavior that comes up for you.

What's the symptom in your life that's a problem?

Take a minute to find that.

So again,

Bring the symptom to mind and let it play out in the mind.

This is already an imaginal exercise.

See the scene where you're acting in accord with your symptom.

Now go ahead,

Go ahead and name this symptom.

How would you name this symptom?

And now also really notice what the mind feels like when you're in the grips of this symptom.

What are the thoughts,

Mental images,

Auditory thoughts that arise when you're in the grips of the symptom?

And now bring the symptom up again and notice what the body's like.

What's the body like when you're in the grips of the symptom?

Okay,

This next piece is about mentalizing or a metacognitive exercise for understanding the causal unfoldings when we've gotten into symptoms.

You shouldn't feel shamed about this,

We're just looking at the consequences.

So now,

Note,

Oh yeah,

I get into this mode or I get into this symptom and then this has this effect on my life.

There's this causal unfolding that happens once I've gotten into this symptom or mode.

Go ahead and study that like an anthropologist,

No shame,

No judgment,

Just interest.

What unfolds once you get into this symptom?

There's a set of behaviors and patterns,

Thoughts,

Even body tensions,

Also styles of relating with others that unfold.

And also actually rejoice in seeing all of this.

You're developing wisdom.

This is a very good thing.

Don't feel bad about any of this.

Totally okay.

Now we're going to do the same exercise but narrowing it down to four different areas of our life.

So okay,

Once I've gotten into this mode or symptom,

There's a certain pattern that happens in my work life.

What is that?

What does my work life look like when I've gotten into this mode?

And see the good,

The bad,

And the ugly.

Just see it as it is.

Also notice this drivenness,

Like there's this drivenness of your symptom.

It's kind of narrow-mindedness and you're driven,

You're kind of obsessive.

Just notice that.

Okay and now let's move on to understanding what our social life looks like after we've gotten into this symptom or mode.

So this part of us is engaged and then when that happens there's a pattern that unfolds in our social life.

Go ahead and see that now.

What's that like?

And just see this clearly.

There's nothing wrong with the way that you're behaving.

You're absolutely doing your best but it's important just to see this and study it.

Okay and now look at your internal,

Like look at the effects of getting into this mode or having this symptom,

The effects on your internal life,

Like your own personal psychology.

What does this do to your internal psychology?

So you get into the mode and there's once again this kind of these patterns of mind that unfold.

Go ahead and study that now again with interest.

Just see all of this clearly.

And now let's move on.

What does this do?

What does getting into this symptom,

Getting into this mode do to your personal explorations?

Does it have a particular effect on your personal explorations?

And it might help them.

We don't know.

We just want to find out.

Okay.

So now we'll do another inquiry.

Imagine that you couldn't behave this way.

For some reason you just were not able to engage this behavior.

Why would that be a problem?

And this is,

There's not any pressure.

We're not saying,

Oh you shouldn't engage this way.

No,

It's fine.

But just imagine symptom deprivation.

You're not,

You can't behave this way and probably some sort of other problem would arise.

And then see how this way of behaving prevents that other problem.

This way of behaving prevents that other problem.

When we do this symptom deprivation exercise,

It helps us see how our symptom is necessary.

Because it helps us likely avoid an even greater suffering.

So go ahead and see that now.

So you might notice like,

Oh geez cringe.

Like no way this would be even worse.

And see,

And again see how your symptom is necessary.

So now look back.

Where does this belief come from?

Or rather,

I'm sorry,

What is the belief that drives this symptom or this coping mode?

Also it might be helpful to think in terms of a critical internalized voice,

A vulnerable child,

And then a coping mode.

Possibly of avoidance,

Overcompensation,

And surrender.

Again,

What's the belief that underlies this,

That makes this behavior necessary?

So you now notice how once again the mode or the symptom helped you deal with the belief.

As an outcome of the belief.

It's pretty obvious right?

So here's another inquiry.

What would have to change in order for it to be painless to let go of this symptom?

What would have to change?

What would the world have to be like in order for this symptom to no longer be necessary?

Good.

And now let's go back to the belief.

There's this negative belief that underpins the symptom and makes the symptom reasonably and understandably necessary.

Go back to that belief.

Where did you learn that belief?

Now go ahead and float back to childhood or some earlier time in life.

And let a situation arise where you were taught that belief.

Go ahead and study that scene.

Notice how it's completely reasonable that you learned this lesson from that incident.

This was the lesson that you needed to learn and just see that clearly.

Totally accept that.

Of course you learned the lesson.

Now come into the scene.

Allow yourself also to be triggered.

Notice where you are,

Who you're with,

The feeling in the body.

Notice the belief,

How the belief is very strong.

And also see the real suffering that you experienced.

And now imagine that the perfect nurturers,

These are just imaginary figures that are parental and perfectly attuned to you.

Imagine that these perfect nurturers come into the scene and remove you from the scene.

And now they tend to you.

They meet your needs in just the right way.

You're totally safe with them.

You're totally seen and known.

They know you're not to blame.

They also know you're going to move through this just fine.

They delight in comforting you and soothing you.

So go ahead and develop that scene now.

All right.

Keep developing the scene.

Shape and reshape it in such a way to get your needs met just perfectly.

That's right.

Keep going.

You know,

They really get what your needs were.

Rather what your needs are.

See how you feel totally seen and known.

Of course you're understood.

They see that that was real suffering.

They see that you had to adapt.

But all that's over now.

Keep developing the scene.

That's right.

Keep going.

Keep soothing you,

Supporting you,

Just the right way.

They really get it.

So and now also notice how the way that these perfect nurturers are treating you now actually disconfirms your expectation.

It disconfirms this belief,

The original belief of yours.

Shape and reshape the scene in such a way to see how this disconfirms this old negative belief of yours.

So and also it can be good to have a dialogue between you and the perfect nurturer.

You can explain yourself.

You can explain how how frustrating all this was.

How you felt like your needs weren't getting met.

And they respond in just just such a way to really help you feel seen and comforted.

So also it's very clear that you were making the very best out of a difficult situation.

You responded the right way to a difficult situation.

And the perfect nurturers see that entirely but they but they also know oh yeah this is in the past.

You can also see how yes this has impact in the past now.

It still has an impact but it's in the past and you can take in more information now.

Contradictory information about life because the mind is broad and open.

You have all this good support now.

Keep shaping and reshaping the scene.

And now notice how the way that you're being treated right now by the perfect nurturers dis-confirms this old negative belief of yours.

It shows you a new way forward in life.

Really take that in.

Also notice how the perfect nurturers being with you is a joy for them.

You're such a delight to be with and they're really happy to help you move through this.

Go ahead and take that in as well.

That's right shaping and reshaping the scene.

So and now let's let's you let's have you the perfect nurturer look back to this original scene and now we're going to redo the scene.

There's going to be a corrective action taken and the scene is going to go well and this is completely imaginary.

So we're re-scripting the past.

We go back to the scene and have it unfold in a way where you where everything goes perfect and the lessons that actually are more adaptive in life you learn those instead of these old crappy toxic lessons.

It could involve confrontation.

This could involve just a simple re-scripting.

Follow your instincts.

Let's try to keep going and now at this juncture see how your old belief is being disconfirmed.

You have this new scene being as it's unfolding it's disconfirming this old belief see that clearly now.

Very That's right,

Keep going.

Okay.

Now,

Let's have you and the perfect nurtures.

Notice how you have a new perspective on things.

Notice how you can take in the lessons that were learned in the original scene,

But there are other lessons to be learned as well.

And you view this from a broader context now.

A broader perspective.

That's right.

Yeah,

There are other possibilities.

Now you can really see that now.

Now start floating back to the present,

With the perfect nurtures.

And now you get,

You get another insight about what all this meant.

And other new possibilities.

And now you floated back to the present.

Now if you need to be sued a bit more.

By the perfect nurtures or if you want to have a brief dialogue with them.

Discuss this,

We can do that now.

Now we're gonna try to do something that's impossible,

But just try to now hold this negative belief in mind.

At the same time that you hold in mind.

All the disconfirming information that disconfirming belief.

You're trying to switch between the two,

But you're trying to hold them in mind at the same time and this is impossible but this,

This helps with memory reconsolidation.

And this will strongly,

Strongly,

Reinforce the positive.

Okay,

Good.

Okay,

So now let's go back to our original symptom.

And now notice how the level of drivenness is less.

Notice how you can more easily imagine an alternative way of living.

A way of living that's less driven.

That's more balanced,

That's more responsive to reality as it is,

Instead of driven by these reactive habit pattern.

But dogmatic.

Notice how this critical voice,

That's usually in your head cannot possibly beating down on the vulnerable child,

That it's less or possibly even absent.

Notice how without this negative belief being kind of shouted at your vulnerable child part that you're just a greater ease.

And that now notice how the symptom that you identified earlier.

It's just not as necessary anymore.

It's like,

Oh,

You know what,

Maybe it's not going to do this.

But there's some liberation,

We've actually achieved some liberation here.

Now see your whole life unfold in a way that's consistent with this newfound liberation that's consistent with this new more balanced circumspect and positive set of belief.

Go ahead and see your life unfold that way now.

And first focus on social,

And then we'll look at exploration.

You know the positive unfolding in the social sphere for you.

You know that unfold.

See how you're tapping into connection that you didn't even know was there to be had.

You know others delight in you,

How others understand you are there for you support you.

And see how you delight in them you understand them.

That connection is so easy and fluent.

Really see that clearly now.

And what a relief.

Also notice how you can be authentic.

You can be at ease.

All this just flows naturally.

And now go ahead,

Your explorations.

See how your explorations look totally different now.

So much easier to do them.

You have a more secure base,

You have all these positive beliefs.

You're not being held back by all these negative beliefs.

And your explorations can really be authentic really be what you want.

Go ahead and see that now.

See that clearly.

Take a brush of breath of fresh air.

You can see a child like wonder about the world is restored.

How wonderful.

Now make a deep deep impression this is what you expect from life now.

Now this isn't Pollyanna.

You can also see negative parts,

Negative aspects of life,

But you're just not stuck in them anymore.

That's the difference.

That's the difference.

Okay and now from this place of greater emotional regulation,

Ease,

And generally broader,

More circumspect overview on life.

Go back to this part,

Or the symptom this mode that was driving you before and kind of greet that part say oh hey old friend.

You've really helped me out.

Thank you for all your hard work.

And I might still need you.

And we might still do this dance for you assert yourself and that's okay.

I see you I know you I also know what you're about.

And I know that there's no shame in your behaviors.

This is just you're just helping me cope emotionally regulate.

Go back to the critical parent voice or inner critic that tells you this negative belief that we identified earlier.

And same thing it's like,

Oh hey,

I know what caused you.

I know why you're there.

You helped me adapt to a difficult situation.

There's no shame in you either.

I see you.

I appreciate what the service that you've rendered.

And then now look at your vulnerable child part.

You can let your vulnerable child partner that you always take care of that.

It's okay to be upset.

Okay,

For the next 30 seconds,

Just kind of freestyle way look back at the tool meditation What did you learn.

What was this like for you.

Okay,

Good.

Make a deep impression of that.

I'm going to count from five to one and when I get to one,

You'll be awake and present in the scene.

The room rather settled in the experience.

54321.

The room settled in the experience.

Okay.

Reviews

This completely reframed my fear of rejection/tendency to self-reject. Thank you!

Wow. That really got to the marrow of some issues. I see how emotional deprivation is at the heart of my anxious attachment. And how that totally settles down with a secure, unconditionally safe base. I’m starting to develop my ideal parent figures. I imagine them as far more evolved versions of my actual earthly parents. These far more evolved care givers sometimes intervene in scenes of the past as protectors and soothers. Very powerful and has a deep impact. Thanks so much for sharing. 🙏🙏