Mentalizing The Modes On Abandonment

In this long meditation, we’ll explore the emotional patterns and behaviors (modes) rooted in fears of abandonment. Through compassionate awareness and mindful inquiry, we’ll identify these modes and their underlying triggers. As you mentally visualize these patterns, you'll create space for healing, allowing them to lose their hold.

Transcript

Push the crown of the head up towards the ceiling,

And now start settling in.

Now go ahead and take a super,

Super deep breath in,

And exhale.

Then once again,

Super deep breath in,

And exhale.

Once again,

Super,

Super deep breath in,

And exhale.

Okay,

Now draw the shoulders back and down,

Straighten the back of the neck.

Now we'll do a brief embodiment practice,

So first smile,

Just very sweetly.

Now feel that smile on the body.

Now feel,

So now we'll start at the bottom of the body,

So feel the smile,

The feet,

Legs and hips,

Feel the smile in the abdomen,

In the chest,

In the shoulders,

In the arms and hands,

The neck,

Face,

Okay,

Good,

All right,

Now bring to mind abandonment fear,

And really let it trigger you badly,

Really get upset about it.

Bring to mind,

Rather bring to mind scenes where abandonment fear is coming up for you.

And just notice how triggering this is,

And also as you're looking at this,

Know that this affects us all,

You're not alone in this,

Good,

And now what we're going to do is we're going to identify different modes,

Coping modes that we use to manage abandonment,

And so let me just review those.

So an overcompensation mode is when we like fight,

Just kind of act,

Quality of activity,

We kind of fight against the pain of the belief or the schema.

Avoidance is where we avoid something,

So avoid ourselves,

Avoid social situation,

Distract ourselves,

Something like that,

And then surrender is when we let something happen to us that we would,

Maybe we otherwise would not allow,

Like maybe we let somebody mistreat us because we're afraid that they'll abandon us,

If we set a boundary,

So let's start first with overcompensation modes,

So how do you overcompensate in such a way to prevent or manage abandonment fear?

Just study that,

Name that,

See yourself in the scene where you're overcompensating in order to cope with the abandonment fear,

Just really take this in,

See yourself with compassion and interest,

Also notice what it's like to do this overcompensation,

Notice what it's like in the body,

Also notice the effects that this overcompensation mode has on your life,

So again the reason for the overcompensation mode is to cope with abandonment fear,

But this whole overcompensation mode of being has a bunch of knock-on effects on other parts of your life,

What are those?

And then this might be the case,

But notice if there are any ways which your overcompensation mode actually strangely reinforces the expectation of abandonment,

And now let's just briefly look at how this overcompensation mode specifically affects your work life,

So the way that you overcompensate in such a way not to be abandoned,

Does this have an impact on your work life?

And it might not,

What kind of effect does this overcompensation mode have on your close or intimate relations?

Whether you overcompensate in such a way to cope with abandonment fear,

How does it affect your close relationships?

Okay,

Maybe we'll just leave that at that,

Good,

All right,

So now release that,

And now let's look at your avoidance mode,

So these would be ways that you just avoid maybe either a part of yourself,

Maybe by distracting yourself,

Maybe by drinking,

Doing drugs,

Binging on Netflix,

Binging on the internet or something,

Or maybe just simply staying emotionally shut down or avoiding people or certain situations due to the fear of abandonment,

So go ahead and bring up those behaviors in your life,

And now you're bringing this up with a quality of curiosity and investigation and openness,

Not judgment,

Just noticing this avoidance mode,

And as you notice it,

Notice how natural it is,

We're naturally equipped with the capacity to avoid,

Good,

Good,

Seeing this clearly,

Now given these behaviors of avoidance such that you not feel the pain of abandonment,

How does this manifest,

And let's first start your interpersonal relationships,

What does it look like when you're in one of these avoidance modes,

What effect does it have on your interpersonal relationships,

Are you checked out and distant,

Also,

So what is it,

What kind of effect does it have on your work life or on your personal explorations,

This avoidance mode,

Notice that,

That's right,

Just noticing all of this,

And now we're going to feel into the body,

So come back into this avoidance mode,

And here you're trying to avoid the pain of abandonment,

What does that feel like in the body,

Maybe it feels like numbed out,

Dissociative,

Absent,

And that's okay,

Just study and notice,

Good,

Good,

Okay,

Good,

Now,

One last thing about this avoidance mode,

I want you to notice how well-known it is to you,

And how fluently you can bring it up,

It's actually a skill set,

Interestingly,

It's just so easy to slip into that,

That's right,

Okay,

Good,

Now,

We're going to move on to our surrender modes around abandonment fear,

So this might look like you just not standing up,

You're not saying anything to someone that maybe it would,

Maybe treating you poorly,

Because you're afraid of abandonment,

So this is kind of like probably some sort of like excessive non-assertiveness and excessive self-subjugation kind of thing,

So bring to mind your compliant surrender modes,

That relate back to abandonment fear,

If you do this,

Notice how it is so well-known to you,

You just slip into it so easily,

In a sense,

It's a skill,

The skill set,

Just noticing this clearly,

Okay,

Good,

Good,

Now,

Notice what this compliant surrender mode feels like in the body,

It might feel very small,

Like you're disappearing,

Maybe if I just take this treatment,

Maybe if I just don't say anything,

I won't be abandoned,

Okay,

And see how this is a functional strategy in a certain way,

It's not all bad,

And now,

Notice the effect that this mode,

This way of being,

The effect that it has on your sense of self,

On your self-esteem,

Notice that,

Okay,

Notice the impact that it has on your close interpersonal relationships,

So your attachment relationships,

And now,

Analyze that this kind of surrender compliance mode has an impact on your personal exploration and your work life,

Good,

Good,

So now,

So we investigated the modes,

And now,

Imagine that you step back from these three larger sets of modes,

So avoidance over compensation,

Surrender modes,

Again,

These are coping modes that help you deal with the abandonment and instability schema,

And now,

From a place,

It's kind of from a wider perspective,

To where you can see all of this in a very broad and contextualized way,

Just see all of them,

See how these coping modes help you deal with your life,

See how they interact,

See how they help you cope,

Now,

This point is extremely important,

See how,

It's so,

So important,

See how they are totally logical,

They are totally logical means of helping you deal with the abandonment and instability schema,

Anybody with that schema would respond the exact same way,

I want you to see that now,

It's just cause and effect,

And now,

Really feel into a quality of understanding and compassion towards yourself,

You're just like everybody else,

We're all in this together,

Okay,

Good,

Good,

Now,

Dissolve that,

And now,

Come back into the abandonment and instability schema,

Now,

See if you can really trigger yourself,

That's right,

And now,

There you are,

So very triggered,

And recognize that,

Ah,

Yeah,

This is an old emotional learning,

Ah,

This is a way of seeing the world,

This is an expectation that I have,

That I learned,

And now,

Float back to childhood,

Probably childhood,

But it could also be adolescence or earlier adulthood,

And find a time where you were taught this kind of negative lesson about life that you can expect instability,

You can expect abandonment,

So,

Find a scene,

A memory that taught you that lesson,

And this memory can be a composite or amalgamated memory,

Doesn't have to be a real memory,

Okay,

So,

There you are in this old scene,

You're in this memory,

You're probably a child,

Notice who you're with,

Notice how old you are,

And notice where you are,

Notice what the body feels like,

Probably doesn't feel very good,

Okay,

Notice the emotions coming up for you,

Maybe anxiety,

Confusion,

Desperation,

And then,

Notice the thoughts,

And now,

This is extremely important,

Notice how this,

This scene and scenes like it,

Imprinted on you,

Right,

This is just learning,

It's like,

Yeah,

Okay,

You learned what's called the terms of attachment,

You learned how relationships are,

And the lesson you learned here,

Specifically,

Was that you can expect abandonment and instability,

Just see how that imprinted on you,

And now,

Imagine that you float up above the scene,

And that you see your whole life from that moment,

All the way up into the present moment,

So,

Your whole life is stretched out on a timeline,

And now,

See how this old negative learning that you picked up in this scene,

And in other scenes like it,

It has impacted you,

And it has shaped your life,

It may have shaped every single day of your life,

So,

Now,

Notice that,

And maybe grief and sadness might come up here,

If so,

Give space for that,

Having learned this lesson,

Probably,

Meaningfully diminished the quality of your life,

And you,

And it's okay to see that and grieve that,

Okay,

Good,

Good,

Now,

Go back into this earlier scene that you identified,

Where you were taught this lesson to expect abandonment and instability,

So,

There you are,

Now,

Notice what the body feels like in this scene,

And notice the emotions,

The thoughts,

And probably just how generally rotten this feels,

Right,

Probably feels really bad,

Okay,

And now,

Now,

The perfect nurturers,

So,

These parent-like figures that are perfectly suited to you,

They come into the scene,

And they remove you from the scene,

And they take you somewhere totally safe,

And they're also really happy to be with you and to care for you,

And so,

Now,

You probably have a lot of upset and probably a sense of unfinished business regarding this scene that we just investigated,

So,

Now,

Give voice to this,

Give voice to whatever is unfinished for you,

And the perfect nurturers are going to sweetly listen to you,

And comfort you in a way that works for you while you unpack this with them,

So,

Go ahead and develop that scene now,

But keep giving voice to whatever feels unfinished,

Of course,

The perfect nurturers are there so sweetly attuning to you and soothing you,

Keep going with that,

You can see that they really get it,

They really understand,

That's right,

Keep going,

Keep developing the scene,

Keep giving voice to whatever feels unfinished,

And see how the perfect nurturers are so happy to be with you and support you in just the right way,

That's right,

Keep going,

Keep giving voice,

And now,

As you're doing this,

Notice how the perfect nurturers are so sweetly attentive,

How they actually really enjoy supporting you,

And this is totally obvious to you,

They would never abandon you,

They are proving to you that they would never abandon you in this scene,

As they're listening to what's going on,

Listening to your upset,

Okay,

Good,

Keep going,

That's right,

Keep going,

And now,

They tell you just the thing that you need to hear,

Go ahead and have them tell you that now,

That's right,

Keep going,

And now,

One more time,

See how the way that they are attending to you actually disconfirms your expectation of abandonment and instability,

Right,

So there's this part of you that expects abandonment,

But it's important to see how they are not abandoning you in the least,

Rather the care is incredibly good from them,

Notice that now,

The love is unconditional,

Not conditional,

And now,

They're seeing how you're starting to feel better,

They're so happy for you,

Good,

Take that in,

Okay,

Good,

Now,

Float back to this old negative scene where you learned to expect abandonment and instability,

Okay,

And now,

We're going to redo the scene,

But this time,

It'll go well,

And the bad thing that did happen will not happen,

And rather,

A good thing will happen that is the positive opposite of abandonment and instability,

And you're going to redo the scene with the perfect nurturers,

Not with the actual people from the original scene,

So go ahead and redo the scene in a way that makes everything go really well,

Go ahead and do that now,

Notice how this scene reinforces the impression that the love and the care is totally unconditional and completely reliable,

Your perfect nurturers are completely present for you,

And now,

Make this experience really compelling and embody,

Really feel into this,

That's right,

Keep going,

Make a deep,

Deep impression of this,

Now,

Notice,

This is very interesting,

This is what you expect from life,

You expect consistent care,

You expect others to be there for you,

Really feel into that now,

And now,

See yourself moving through your real adult life going forward,

But things are different now,

You're much,

Much more settled,

This anxiety,

This fear around abandonment is totally absent,

You're so clear-headed,

And it's so,

So much easier to be with others and form both kind of associative type relations and also very intimate,

Close relationships,

Why?

Because you're not worried about abandonment,

Now,

Go ahead and visualize that and really feel it,

You're so confident,

And now,

Make a deep impression of this,

Feeling this in every cell of the body and in every part of the mind,

Good,

And now,

Just for 30 seconds,

Look back,

What was this meditation like?

What did you learn?

What are the take-home messages here?

Good,

Good,

Okay,

We'll count from five to one,

When I get to one,

You'll be awake and present in the room,

Settled in the experience,

Five,

Four,

Three,

Two,

One,

Awake and present in the room,

Settled in the experience,