Mentalizing The Modes

In this meditation you will be guided in relaxation, introduced to the theory behind schema modes (compulsive behaviors), and then led in recognizing them. By mentalizing the modes in this way, they lose power over you.

Transcript

Okay good.

Now we're gonna do some breath work.

So go ahead and inhale very very deeply and then retain the breath below the navel.

And now exhale,

Extending out the exhale.

Okay now once again inhale very very deeply,

Retaining the breath below the navel.

And now exhale.

Now one more time,

Super deep inhale,

Retain the breath below the navel.

And now exhale.

Extend out the length of the exhale,

Noticing all the relaxation and setting them.

Good.

Now feel the feet,

Legs,

And hips.

The feet,

Legs,

And hips relax on their own.

No intention,

No effort.

And now noticing the abdomen rise and fall.

And noticing how that happens on its own.

And now feeling the chest expand and contract.

And now feeling the shoulders and upper back.

Now often we carry tension in this area.

So here,

Try to not let it go,

Rather just let it be.

And it might dissipate on its own,

But also if it doesn't we accept that.

Just letting attention rest there.

And now feeling the arms and hands.

And get this sense of the arms and hands being there,

Just doing their own thing.

And there's just this quality of observation and awareness.

And now feeling the head,

Neck,

And face.

Now take a deep,

Deep breath and feel the whole body all at once.

And now exhale,

Letting the body settle.

Okay,

Good.

Now before,

So here in a moment we'll start with lecture,

But go ahead and just notice what this is like.

So we've done about seven minutes of meditation.

Notice how the mind and the body are more still and calm.

Good.

Now we can release that.

All right.

So what I'd like to do now is do a very little bit of lecture.

And then,

Julie,

You asked what's the meditation called?

So we're going to be doing a meditation that I call mentalizing the modes.

And so let me explain what that means.

So there's just a few concepts here.

So in the room,

I'm going to be drawing from schema therapy from coherence therapy,

Also from EMDR resourcing from Buddhist visualization practices and also drawing from Dan Brown and David Elliot's ideal parent figure protocol.

Have a little bit of a mishmash.

So let me now go ahead and define the term.

So modes just means our behaviors are kind of more neurotic behaviors that are a little bit,

We'll call them not fully integrated,

Not fully conscious.

These behaviors they tend to be kind of reactive,

Repetitive,

Etc.

And specifically,

We're going to be working on our coping modes.

And then these tend to be,

They tend to manifest in a way that is like kind of an avoidance coping mode.

Overcompensation,

Kind of overly active,

Kind of controlling,

Perfectionistic kind of coping mode,

Or a surrender coping mode where we just kind of like give up our,

Like we kind of release our own willpower,

When we actually should take action,

Right,

We accept things that we shouldn't accept.

So that's the behavioral end of this.

And then I'll guide you in such a way that you find a behavior that you want to work on.

Then we're going to find the schemas that underlie the mode.

Now,

What does schema mean?

Schema means kind of emotional belief,

Felt sense belief,

Like,

Oh,

I'm not good enough,

Or oh,

I'll be abandoned,

Or oh,

I don't fit in,

Or oh,

I'm incompetent,

I can't take care of myself,

Etc,

Etc.

And then drawing from coherence therapy,

We are going to see how the behavior,

This kind of negative,

Highly stereotyped,

Repetitive behavior is actually necessary,

Given the felt sense belief.

Then we're going to find where the felt sense belief was learned,

Because these are emotional learnings.

And then we're going to have,

And this is like the most important piece,

We're going to have the emotionally corrective experience that helps teach us a different,

In a sense,

Emotional truth or emotional learning.

It will change our expectations of life.

Like,

Let's just say that there's this belief that we're not good enough.

Well,

We're going to have an emotionally corrective experience using the perfect nurturers or imaginal kind of parent-like figures often to show us that we are good enough,

That there's absolutely nothing wrong with us,

For example.

Now,

This is all kind of complicated,

A lot's going on here,

But all you need to do is follow the cues.

Okay,

So we'll go ahead and start in just a minute.

But I would actually,

I'll recommend that you can get out a piece of paper and a pen or a pencil,

And just if you can take a few notes,

Like you might end up just writing like two to five words down,

Like I'm going to prompt you to identify the behavior and then identify the belief that makes the behavior necessary,

And writing those two down tends to be helpful,

But it's not obligatory.

Okay,

So let's go ahead and come into the meditation.

So go ahead and sit up straight.

Push the crown of the head up towards the ceiling.

And we're going to do our three deep breaths first.

So go ahead and inhale really really deeply.

And then pretend the breath below the navel.

And exhale and extend out the length of the exhale.

And now inhale very very deeply once again.

Retain the breath below the navel.

And now,

I don't know.

Now one more time,

Inhale super super deep.

Retain the breath below the navel.

And now,

Exhale.

Now we're going to get into the primary meditation.

Okay.

So identify a problematic behavior of yours.

One that's repetitive,

It's likely repeated through the years.

And then in some ways,

It does not serve you well,

It causes extra suffering for you and for others.

There might be,

It might be categorizable in terms of avoidance,

Overcompensation,

Or surrender,

But fitting it into those categories is not necessary.

And then this would be good to write down.

Okay,

So bring up a scene where you're acting out this mode.

Notice what this feels like in the mind.

So there's a particular kind of signature in the mind of when you're in this mode.

What thoughts come up,

What emotions come up?

Notice how you know the pattern very well.

Okay.

What does this feel like in the body?

And also notice how you know this feeling very well.

You've been through this many times.

Okay.

Now,

Reflect on kind of what brings about the mode.

Like what brings about your acting out this behavior in this way.

What are the causes?

And now,

Also see how once you're in the mode,

Other mental states and behaviors and even certain reactions from others tend to follow.

Like there's something kind of stereotyped about it,

Repetitive,

Like you get into the mode,

And then you tend to follow,

You tend to act in a certain way and have certain thoughts after you've gotten into the mode.

Go ahead and notice that.

And also,

No judgment,

No harshness.

We're examining the mind.

Have a real sense of interest in investigation.

And now we're going to look at different effects of the mode or behavior in different areas of our lives.

So we'll start with work life.

So when you get into this mode of behavior,

What are the consequences in your work life?

No judgment,

Just investigation.

Now really bring up a sense of interest.

This is you're studying the mind.

This is very interesting.

This is like an inner anthropology.

Okay.

And now let's move on to social life.

So,

See yourself in the mode acting it out.

And then now what is your social life like once you're kind of acting out this behavior,

Acting out this mode of avoidance,

Surrender or overcompensation?

Really bring an attitude of interest and curiosity about this.

And kind of just see how it's all a bit repetitive,

Very stereotyped,

Very predictable.

These are insights that you're having here.

And now once again,

Imagine that you're in the mode,

You're in the behavior or symptom,

You can call it symptom,

Mode or behavior.

And now notice what your internal emotional and cognitive life is like.

So what's your psychological life like when you've been drawn into this behavior?

Notice how it's all very patterned,

Quite repetitive.

Okay.

And now,

What are your personal explorations like when you've fallen into your mode or fallen into your symptom or your behavior?

So you're pursuing what is interesting and meaningful to you.

What does that look like once you've fallen into this behavior,

Symptom or mode?

And just see all of this clearly,

No judgment,

No harshness.

Okay.

And now,

This might seem a bit strange,

But in order for us to change,

I think that the whole system needs to kind of see things clearly.

So let's really look at the benefits of this mode or of this behavior.

To be clear,

It's absolutely certain that there are benefits for all of our behaviors,

Otherwise we wouldn't do them.

So go ahead and bring up ways in which this set of,

We'll call them neurotic behaviors or modes,

Is actually of benefit to you.

And now really be fair-minded about this.

Keep studying your mind with curiosity and openness.

Okay.

And now,

What would other parts of you say to this part of you,

This part that behaves in this kind of repetitive and we'll call it neurotic way?

What would other parts of yourself say?

Okay.

All right.

So now we'll move on to a different part of the meditation.

So come back into the scene where you're acting out your mode or your behavior.

And now notice how there is a certain lens on life,

Likely a more negative lens on life.

So when you're acting out your negative behavior,

How do you view yourself,

Other,

And world?

Go ahead and investigate that for a minute.

How do you see yourself,

Other,

And world?

When you're acting out your mode,

This will help us identify the schema.

And now this,

This belief about self,

Other,

And world,

Again,

This is the schema,

And this is also worth writing down.

What is this belief?

What is this emotional belief about self,

Other,

And world?

And now say a phrase that really helps you kind of feel into this emotional belief and it's going to be negative.

And now notice the emotional resonance.

There is a part of you that believes this,

Not all of you,

But there is a part of you that believes this.

And now,

Because this is very,

Very important,

This helps us with both wisdom and compassion.

See how that when you are believing this belief,

When this belief is active in you,

It makes this earlier identified behavior either necessary or just an unintended consequence.

Go ahead and see that.

And again,

This is,

This is an emotional truth.

This is not like this kind of objective cognitive truth,

But emotionally it is necessary that you act out this problematic behavior.

Go ahead and see that clearly.

Anybody that would believe this thought,

This kind of emotional belief,

Would act in the same way.

It's just cause and effect.

Really see that clearly.

This helps us develop kind of forgiveness and compassion.

Okay.

Now come back to the belief.

If you wrote it down on your piece of paper,

You can look at it.

And then say the phrase that really activates the negative belief.

Okay.

And now you learned this somewhere.

Right.

Now go ahead and float back to either childhood,

Adolescence,

Or earlier adulthood.

And bring up a scene where this belief was reinforced.

Where this belief was further conditioned into you.

This does not have to be the one single time that it got reinforced.

It can be just a kind of just anytime it was reinforced.

And the memory or the scene does not have to be a real memory.

It can be like a composite or amalgamated memory.

Go ahead and bring that up.

So now there you are in the memory.

And now I'm going to cue you,

But I'm going to cue you in a present tense way,

Like have this be a live first person experience.

So where are you?

Who are you with?

How old are you in this scene?

Where this negative belief was reinforced.

And then very importantly,

What are the thoughts?

What are the emotions that are coming up?

Likely it doesn't feel very good.

And now just pause and see how this kind of experience caused this negative belief that you've been carrying around ever since.

It's just cause and effect.

Anybody else would have learned the same toxic lesson.

If they had that experience,

There's nothing especially bad about you.

Really see that now.

And you might feel that that lightens the load a bit that lets you settle and relax the shoulders a bit more.

Okay.

And now bring up the scene once again and really bring up the thoughts and emotions that are coming up in this,

In the scene,

Where you retreated poorly.

Or where you learned this negative lesson.

And now we're going to have the perfect nurturers come into the scene.

This is often kind of like a parental type figure that is going to care for you unconditionally,

Love you,

Protect you.

So they go ahead and come into the scene.

And the first thing that they do is they protect you.

They stand up for you.

They're your advocate.

Now,

If in the scene that you picked,

There was someone that treated you poorly,

The perfect nurturers confront this person,

And you'll feel really,

Really validated.

You'll feel you're feeling more stood up for.

And it's clear that this other person that treated you poorly has no moral authority.

You and the perfect nurturers are strong,

Think clearly,

And are in the right,

And now really feel into that and feel stood up for.

Really feel into that.

And see that acted out in the scene.

So here shape and reshape the scene in such a way that you really feel safe,

Protected,

And stood up for.

Okay.

And now,

When you're ready.

The perfect nurturers also soothe you.

They attune to you.

They know that this experience that you had was really difficult.

They see that it caused real suffering.

They lean in.

They tilt the head.

They say,

Oh,

It's like you're having such and such emotion.

And now they really get it.

So if you want more of the,

If you feel like you need more of the kind of boundary setting being stood up for part of the scene,

You can keep going with that.

Or you can do this soothing part of the scene.

And then develop the scene in such a way that you get your needs met.

And now the perfect nurturers let you know that there's nothing wrong with you.

This was just a difficult experience.

You're with them now.

And now really feel into that.

Totally supported,

Totally accepted.

Keep going.

That's right.

Also,

You might dialogue with the perfect nurturers.

They really want to know what this was like for you.

And then they respond in just the right way.

So supportive,

So kind,

So sweet.

Keep developing the scene.

You're doing well.

And now also notice the perfect nurturers tending to you,

Supporting you in this way is a complete delight for them.

This is exactly what they want to be doing.

Being with you and supporting you is a complete delight.

Really see that in the scene.

And now this really helps you open up and take in the support,

Because you don't have to worry about their mental state.

They're so happy to be there.

That's right.

Now notice how they track your mental states.

They really get what's going on for you.

And they might even say,

Oh,

It looks like such and such is happening.

Oh,

It looks like you might be feeling this.

And of course they physically soothe you and comfort you in just the right way.

Now,

I want to draw your attention to something very,

Very interesting.

Notice.

So,

First I'll bring up the old schema that you were working on this old belief that you learn from this negative situation that you were in.

So bring that up.

And now notice how the way that the perfect nurturers are treating you is in discord with this old negative belief.

Notice how they're actually your experience with them.

This confirms this emotional memory.

It does confirm this negative belief.

Really notice that.

Okay.

Good.

Okay,

So now we're going to do something rather interesting.

Now,

Float back to right before this old negative scene happened.

Now we're going to redo this old negative scene,

Except for this time,

It will go in a way that's perfect.

The negative thing will not happen.

And now we will imagine that a positive,

Positive thing,

Like an ideal outcome happens in the scene.

And then you're going to do this with the perfect nurturers.

Okay,

So go ahead and redo the scene.

Again,

The scene starts,

And then the negative thing does not happen rather an ideal alternative happens.

Now really feel into this.

This is great.

Let this be a lived emotional experience.

Really take this in.

Keep going.

And now feel how this childlike wonder is restored.

Feel into how there's so many more possibilities.

Now that you have these positive expectations of life.

Hey.

Good.

And now make a deep impression of this.

This positive experience informs you as to what you expect of life.

And now we're going to do something and this really helps with emotional memory of the consolidation.

What we're going to do is we're going to switch between the old negative scene,

The old negative schema or belief.

And then this new positive scene with the perfect nurturers and all these new positive expectations of life.

So again,

Switch back and forth between the old negative view and the positive view.

This is showing the mind how these two are kind of incompatible.

And then we're going to just reinforce at the end the positive belief one more time.

Go ahead and start switching back and forth between the negative and then the positive.

Do that at your own pace.

Keep going.

That's right.

Switching back and forth.

And now just reinforce the positive view,

The positive belief.

See how you're a total delight to these perfect nurturers and what you want matters.

Really take that in.

Feel that in the body and in the mind.

That's right.

Okay.

And now we're going to work on integrating these new positive emotional learnings.

So now equipped with this new positive belief about life and the unconditional perfectly responsive love and support of the perfect nurturers.

See your life,

Your real adult life unfold into the future.

And first let's work on social aspects of life.

See yourself connecting with others.

See how others will delight in you.

See how you delight in others.

See how you feel totally understood.

Also see how you really get others as well.

There's this tremendous sense of belonging,

Connection and shared experience.

Go ahead and see that now.

Also notice how you elicit the desired responses from others.

Others respond to you in a way that is just what you want.

Go ahead and feel into that now.

And now notice how this informs you as to your social sense of self and that you have a very positive sense of your social self.

See how you can really stand tall,

Sit up straight,

Hold your head high,

Knowing that you're delighted and go ahead and really feel into that now.

What a delight you are.

And now we'll just do one or two more steps and then we'll wrap up the meditation.

But now bring up your explorations.

Bring up something that you're interested in doing.

And then feel how both making a plan and then going out and executing that plan is now drastically easier given all this support and all of these recent positive emotional learnings.

So go ahead and make a plan for going after what you want in life.

Do that for about 30 seconds.

That's right.

Really feel into that.

And now see yourself executing.

See yourself going after and doing the thing that you had planned out.

Really feel supported here.

See how you have your desired impact on the world and on others.

Really get a sense for that.

And now see how that also informs you as to your sense of self.

See that you have a well-developed sense of who you are and your sense of agency.

Really feel into that.

And now make a deep impression of that.

Now count from five to one.

And when I get to one,

You'll be awake and present in the room,

Settled in the experience.

Five,

Four,

Three,

Two,

One.

Awake and present in the room,

Settled in the experience.