Feeling Into The Four Attachment Styles

The goal of this meditation is to get a felt sense of what different attachment styles feel like. Each of the insecure styles operates with false beliefs at its core; in this meditation, we'll get to know them as a way to better understand our own patterns and those of our loved ones. Finally, we will spend time reflecting on the qualities of secure attachment.

Transcript

And now we'll get into these kind of series of meditations.

So what we're going to do now is feel into being a child with securely attached to parents.

So okay go ahead and float back to childhood.

You find yourself maybe one,

Two,

Three years of age.

And now imagine perfect nurturing parents.

Notice how you feel so safe.

Notice how you're totally trusting.

There's total confidence in in their kind of intentional stance towards you.

I totally know where I stand.

Totally safe.

I'm totally taking care of.

Now feel into that.

Also notice how you are a joy to them.

Notice how they track your mental state in a non-intrusive sweet and helpful way.

And so based on the sweet open interest it's like oh hey what's going on how are you?

Now feel into that.

So and now bring up some kind of sorrow or upset.

It doesn't have to be deep.

And then now see how they pick up on that immediately.

Like oh you're upset.

How can we help?

What can we do?

Perfectly receptive and responsive.

Of course I move to console you.

In a way that's perfectly calibrated to your needs right now.

And now notice how they really can soothe you very easily,

Very effectively.

That the sorrow is dissipating.

And now go ahead and do a play scene.

So go out and play and explore.

And now notice how the perfect nurturers are so interested in what you're doing.

You feel totally supported.

They can't wait to hear what you have to report when you come back.

Now they can accompany you in your exploration but they never do your exploration for you.

So go ahead and develop that theme.

Interested in what you're discovering.

You're doing your exploration but you have this,

Let's just say,

Unconscious background hallucination or impression that they're right there.

And no matter what you do you feel this unquestioning support.

Like the moment that you would turn your head to look back they're right there.

So attentive.

And now notice how this confidence in them strengthens and supports your ability to explore and play.

Oh yeah I can take on the whole world.

I've got these perfect nurturers to back me up.

I feel into that.

Now imagine that maybe you fall and hurt yourself or there's some sort of disappointing result with your exploration which is common.

There's lots of little problems and unexpected turns when we explore.

And so now bring up the sense of upset and frustration.

And now boom the perfect nurturers come to you.

They see exactly what's happening.

They know your mental states.

They know you're upset.

They know that this is frustrating.

They pick you up.

They comfort you.

They're so happy to support you.

And they have complete confidence you're going to work through this no problem.

Go ahead and develop that scene.

And now take in how obvious it is they're always going to be there for you.

And now notice how you're immediately back to being fully emotionally regulated.

And now taking in this mind state of secure attachment.

Go ahead and look at your real adult life going forward.

And see your whole life play out in accordance with these expectations.

That you'll be totally supported.

That you'll be able to do your explorations no problem.

Go ahead and develop those scenes now.

See how you get the desired responses from the world and from others.

That's right keep developing the scene.

Okay good.

If you go ahead and dissolve that scene.

And now we're going to study the dismissing mind state.

And I want to be fully disclosing here.

This could be triggering.

This will definitely be triggering.

So go into it knowing that with consent with informed consent.

Okay so imagine that you're a child.

Maybe between the ages of one and three years old.

And now bring up the sense of loneliness,

Isolation.

Imagine parents.

But you really are not confident that they're comfortable kind of connecting.

Or maybe that they maybe even that they want you.

And so now feel into this longing.

And now open up to the mind state.

And so now feel into this longing.

And now also notice how this longing is too great to bear.

It's just too much.

And so you see that you need to shut it down.

So now go ahead and repress belonging.

I can't feel this.

If I show this,

This will be another opportunity to be rejected.

And I just can't deal with another rejection.

And so now kind of delude yourself into thinking,

All my parents are fine,

I'm fine.

There's no problems here.

This is idealization.

This is denial.

This is repression.

And now notice how what you want is connection,

But you can't have it.

So you're like,

Okay,

I'm going to put exploration into the place that needs to be filled by attachment and connection.

But then there's this kind of resignation like,

This is all I can do so okay I'll do it.

And now,

Develop an exploration scene,

A play scene.

But then I can have this sense of unfulfilled.

But yet this is all you got.

And I want to make,

Go ahead and develop that scene.

And as the loneliness as the longing comes up,

Choose to repress it,

Deny it.

Maybe tell yourself,

Oh,

I'm not even interested in these kind of things.

I don't need this.

I'm so strong and independent.

I think that's sufficient.

Go ahead and dissolve that scene.

And now we're going to soothe ourselves,

In a sense,

To the world by doing a little bit of compassion practice.

We just went into a dismissing mind state.

And we felt how awful it was.

And now reflect there are so many people who've lived their whole lives in this or related mind states.

You to know fault of their own.

Now bring the attention to the heart.

This quality of openness,

Care,

Concern.

And now on the in breath,

Reflect on their suffering.

And on yours if you've experienced that.

And on the out breath,

Send peace and well being to all these beings that have suffered in this way.

Again on the in breath,

Reflecting on their suffering and yours.

And on the out breath,

Sending peace and well being,

Well wishing.

Also reflecting on this quality of camaraderie.

We've all,

Many of us have had these experiences.

Also reflect on how you really get it,

You understand.

It's just so clear,

If you understand you don't want others to suffer in this way,

Keep going with the meditation.

Good.

Go ahead and dissolve that scene and bring that meditation to a close.

And now we'll go on to preoccupied attachment that we're going to feel into what it would be like to be a child,

And then we'll do compassion practice on that.

And again,

Of course,

This will be triggering so be aware of that.

Progress back to being a child between the ages of one and three years old.

And now,

What you notice,

So imagine parents and notice how they're very inattentive.

They're kind of very buzzy.

They likely have ADHD.

And now notice this worry and anxiety about their mental states.

And also notice how the world seems very scary,

And that you feel incapable of doing your explorations incapable of going out there and playing,

Because you just have all this anxiety about your parents availability and their ability to care for you.

See yourself clinging to these parents.

See how you're tracking their mental states very anxiously.

Feel into how you're totally dependent on them.

Yet,

They're not reliable.

So now I'm going to give you an impossible task.

You're a one,

Two or three year old,

And your parents are let's say in their 30s.

And now you need to manage them.

And they're all over the place.

And you need to manage them because you're afraid of being abandoned,

And you feel totally dependent.

So now go ahead and figure that out.

And now feel this irritation,

Maybe even anger.

This helplessness.

Feel this overwhelm.

What can I do,

How am I gonna make this right.

Also feel into how unfair this feels.

In this anxious state.

Turn the mind towards exploration.

Notice,

Oh,

I don't have the resources to explore.

I don't have the secure base to support to to explore away from.

And once again recognize this helplessness.

Notice how the mind darts around.

Complete confusion.

Now this is the preoccupied mind state.

And now release that entirely.

And now we're going to do compassion practice.

And you've likely experienced mental states like these,

Maybe even as a child.

And billions of people have experienced the same.

Now bring your attention to the heart center.

This quality of heart opening,

Broadness of mind,

Perspective.

And now once again reflect,

Oh,

So many people have experienced this suffering.

I now know it so well,

I recognize it in myself and in others.

And now on the in breath,

Reflect on their suffering.

And on the out breath,

And peace and well being.

On the in breath,

Reflecting on their suffering and yours as well.

And then on the out breath.

And now on the out breath,

Reflecting on their suffering and yours as well.

And on the out breath,

Reflecting on their suffering and their needs and well being to them and to you as well.

Go ahead with that for another minute.

Try to keep going.

Now feel into this quality of recognition.

This sense of camaraderie and shared experience.

Okay,

Good.

And now dissolving that.

And now we'll explore the disorganized or disorganized mind state or the mind state of fearful attachment.

And let me give fair warning,

This is this will be,

I think,

Quite triggering.

So please be aware of that before you go in.

Okay.

And three.

There you are.

And now notice the attachment mechanism going off.

Notice this desire to connect.

So natural,

It happens for all of us,

Likely all mammals.

But now,

Bring up fear.

You want to connect.

But your experience tells you that connecting with others.

If fear invoking.

Once again,

You're just a small child.

You want to connect you need support.

Yet connecting as a threat.

The work on this problem,

Figure this out.

And again,

This is an impossible problem to work on but go ahead and work on it.

Remembering that you have the mind of a child.

And now also,

You need to figure out the logistics of this situation,

But you also need to figure out how to emotionally help regulate.

But this is an impossible task as well.

Your internalized model of connection and attachment is associated with fear.

And the very mechanism which you would use to suit yourself is inherently emotionally dysregulating.

I get a sense for that.

Oh,

That's so difficult.

Now,

For me,

It's like just associating is the only option.

And now briefly turn to exploration.

So obviously you're not.

You don't have the support,

You don't have the emotional regulation skills to do the exploration,

So you just give up on that.

Now think about connecting about attachment.

And now that's not safe.

You're just,

You're just totally stuck.

Okay,

That's enough of that so go ahead and dissolve that scene.

And now we're going to do fashion practice around that.

Billions of people have had these experiences and have this conditioning.

You're not alone.

There's nothing fundamentally wrong with you.

Yet,

You know that the deep suffering of this kind of conditioning and these kind of experiences.

Now on the in breath reflect on the suffering that others have experienced from as a result of these mental states,

These difficult experiences.

And on the out breath send out peace,

Love,

The desire for healing to all those who experience this,

Including yourself.

Bring in the perfect nurturer,

Have them soothe you while you do this practice of compassion.

Modify the practice as you see fit.

You are not alone in these experiences.

So many others have experienced this.

And I really bring up this quality of camaraderie as you do this practice.

And now notice how there's understanding.

You know what this is like from the inside out.

You just want no one to suffer in the same way.

And with the practice.

Good.

Now go ahead and dissolve that scene.

Now when the meditation.

Now imagine you're a child,

Between the ages of one and three.

And the perfect nurturers come to you.

And now the first thing is it is so obvious you're totally safe.

Notice how you trust their intentions entirely.

And now shape the scene in such a way that that becomes obvious to you.

And now also notice how you are a joy to them.

And now seeing how you're a joy to them helps you also understand their intentional stances towards you.

They just like to be with you.

You're just a delight.

Now,

In as much as that we went over some difficult material earlier.

Feel free to bring up any suffering or grief or anxiety that that may have provoked.

And then have the perfect nurturers.

See that.

Track your mental states sweetly.

And then move to console you just the right way.

Now go ahead and develop that scene.

That's right,

Keep going.

Really taking that in.

They really get it.

And the soothing and the consoling is done in a way that is so obviously perfectly calibrated to you and your needs right now.

And now also notice,

There is no limit on this.

This is endlessly available.

Good.

Now wrapping up the meditation and coming back to the room.

Reviews

Very useful for understanding stances toward the world. Promotes compassion from a felt sense.