Embodying Secure Attachment

Maybe you've read about attachment theory, you've identified your attachment style, and you've seen how attachment affects your life. With this meditation, you can practice actually embodying the traits of secure attachment. By doing this you will become familiar with how it feels acting from a place of security so you can recognize it in daily life. And you will cultivate these traits in yourself so you can draw on them whenever you need.

Transcript

Go ahead and find the meditation posture.

Just sitting up straight,

Gently pushing the crown of the head up towards the ceiling,

Starting to settle in.

And now just for a moment,

Let's just notice what it's like to sit here.

Notice how it's kind of relieving to just let the body sit,

Relieving to kind of do nothing.

Okay,

Good.

Let's go ahead and take a super deep breath in.

Retain the breath.

Exhale.

And once again,

Super deep breath in,

Retain the breath.

Now exhale.

And once again,

Super deep breath in,

Retain the breath.

Now exhale.

Okay,

Good.

And then let's,

We'll do something now that we don't typically do.

We're going to dedicate the merit.

This is kind of a very traditional meditation technique.

So what is it that we're going to be working on?

We're going to be working on embodying secure attachment,

Being the secure attachment figure for others.

So first feel into how this is wholesome.

This is good.

This is beneficent and allocentric,

Oriented towards the benefit of others.

Just for a moment,

Feel good about doing this work.

How wonderful.

Okay,

Now visualize the outcome of the work.

So see yourself being able to be there for others and for their benefit.

Feeling into this quality of generosity.

That's right.

And also notice how this posture of looking out for the benefit of others,

It's actually deeply relaxing.

It really sets you at ease.

Notice how there's no cognitive dissonance.

You're not internally at odds about anything.

Okay,

Good.

Now we'll go ahead and start with a formal meditation.

So bring to mind an easy to love object,

Someone or something that you have an uncomplicated loving relationship with.

This will likely be a child,

Age of five or less,

Or a pet,

An animal.

It can also be like a cartoon figure or something like that.

Go ahead and bring that person or animal to mind.

Okay,

Good.

And now,

So you see your beloved before you.

And now notice how already there's this really pleasant facial tension coming across the cheeks.

So there's this really pleasant muscular tension in the cheeks and in the lower face.

You're already smiling because you see the beloved.

I really feel into that.

So this is delight.

This is one of the factors of secure attachment,

To delight in the other.

I really feel into that.

And now see how the beloved sees that you are delighting in them.

See that now.

And this really makes them feel good about themselves.

This helps them settle and feel extremely secure in the attachment relationship with you.

Feel into that now.

That's right.

And once again,

Really notice the impact on them.

That's right.

And now also notice the wholesomeness and trustworthiness of your delight in them.

And now they see that.

They totally trust how your delight in them is innocent,

Trustworthy,

And wholesome.

And now notice how that also has a deep impact on them.

This helps them relax into the relationship.

That's right.

Really feeling into that now.

Okay,

Good.

And now let's work on conveying a sense of safety.

So the beloved feels very secure with you.

But then let's make this explicit,

Like hold them in such a way that helps them feel safe and protected.

Go ahead and develop that scene.

That's right.

Also,

Kind of emphasize the fact that you are bigger and stronger,

And that you really are capable of protecting them.

Now they really notice that.

That's right.

And now notice how this helps them settle even more deeply.

And now also,

This is important,

Notice how your willingness to protect them,

You're actually keeping them safe right now.

This feels good to you.

I want you to really notice that.

And it makes sense.

We keep safe the things that are sources of joy for us.

There's something that feels so right about you protecting the beloved.

Feel into that now.

That's right.

Okay,

Good.

Now make a deep impression of this.

Okay,

So now we're going to work on compassion,

Attunement,

And soothing.

So have the beloved bring up some sort of suffering.

So have them actually get upset.

There they are,

They're getting really upset.

And now you see that upset.

And you can like literally feel the muscles in the body,

Like the motor neurons wanting to fire.

It's like you're ready to take action.

So it's like you see that they're upset.

You lean in,

Tilt the head.

You might say something like,

Oh,

I see that you're upset.

And now feel into this quality of,

I'll call it,

How can I help?

That's the only question.

That's the only thing in your mind.

How can I help?

So now feel into that.

And now also the beloved sees this posture and this concern that you have.

And this is already starting to help them settle back down.

Go ahead and see that now.

That's right.

And now,

So again,

You're attuning to their suffering.

They are upset.

So again,

Kind of lean in,

Tilt the head.

And now there's this interest and desire to really know what's going on so that you can help.

But let's stay with this.

So they see that.

They see that you want to help.

Go ahead and notice that now.

And now have them give voice to whatever is unfinished,

Whatever is upsetting for them.

And you're going to listen really sweetly.

Go ahead and develop that scene now.

And also,

As they're explaining their source of upset,

It is completely clear.

You totally get it.

As they're speaking to you,

You nod the head sweetly.

It's like,

Oh,

Yeah,

Sure.

I understand.

Of course you feel that way.

It makes perfect sense.

Just so sweet,

So attuned,

So present.

Keep developing the scene.

And now you're also physically soothing them in just the right way.

Maybe you're rocking them in your arms.

Maybe you're holding them by the shoulder,

Holding their hands.

And now this is kind of a weird instruction,

But they can feel it in their brains that you get them.

They physically feel seen and known.

They feel this quality of understanding from you.

So clear.

And you can feel how they are letting go of self-blame.

They're letting go of shame.

And they're actually integrating and accepting themselves better.

And of course,

This is a joy to you.

You're so happy to help.

So keep feeling into this.

That's right.

And now have them give voice one more time to whatever it is that they're upset about.

And you'll listen attentively from this place of love and generosity towards them.

Go ahead and develop that scene.

That's right.

Keep going.

Keep developing the scene.

And now also once again,

Make sure that you give them physical affection,

Soothing,

In such a way that you help them settle around this.

Good.

Now,

So now they start feeling better.

Right?

You've really kind of helped them understand and accept themselves.

You've attuned to them.

You've physically soothed them.

So now they're really starting to feel better.

Go ahead and notice that.

And now notice how that they feel better.

This is a great delight to you.

Feel into that.

What a delight.

And now kind of reflect on how you've already been through quite a journey with them.

That they were upset.

You soothed them.

Now they're feeling better.

You're delighting in the fact that they feel better.

And now recognize how all along there was an entrainment,

A synchronization of mental and physical states between you,

Especially now that they're feeling better.

And now this really reinforces the sense of family and belonging for both of you.

So now notice that now.

Really being part of the group.

That's right.

Keep going.

Now what we're going to work on is shame.

Okay,

So dissolve that last scene.

And now bring up a scene with the beloved,

Where the beloved reflects on something that they're ashamed of.

Go ahead and do that now.

And now,

So there the beloved is and kind of thinking about this defect of theirs,

Maybe a quality or maybe a behavior that they're ashamed of.

And so now notice how they think that you are going to reject them.

Notice that.

But notice how you are not rejecting towards them whatsoever and have them see that.

This is really important.

What they view as a defect about themselves,

You don't view that way.

You view it as simply unprocessed suffering.

Maybe that they experience rejection that they internalize and that they really no longer,

Or it's just all it is,

Is just internalized rejection.

That's all this is.

It's just suffering.

And you don't think that there would be any reason to reject them for this.

And now have them see that and show that to them.

Show them how you are not rejecting to them,

Even if they do feel shame about something about themselves.

Go ahead and develop that scene.

That's right.

Keep going.

Keep developing the scene.

Now have them give voice to whatever it is that they're suffering.

Just have them give voice to this suffering.

Now listen attentively.

And now you can validate how they,

You know,

That they do feel bad about this.

That's okay.

They're allowed to feel bad about this.

They're even allowed to blame themselves.

That's okay.

But you don't see them as defective.

Now also physically soothe them in just the right way.

That's right.

And notice how you're so attentive.

You really understand what's going on for them.

You keep soothing them.

Keep developing the scene.

That's right.

Keep going.

Keep going and now notice how given the way that you've been with them,

This acceptance,

The attunement,

The soothing,

That they are starting to feel better.

They're letting go of this sense of shame and defectiveness.

Go ahead and notice that now.

So it's very clear now they are feeling better.

And now you can't help but smile.

Can't help but feel good and share in their ease,

In this feeling of healing that they have.

And now they see that.

They see that you're happy that they are feeling better.

And likewise,

This reinforces this sense of belonging and connection.

So really develop that.

Feel into that.

That's right.

Keep developing the scene.

Okay.

Good.

Good.

Now make a deep impression of that.

Okay.

And so now notice how the beloved has really had all of their needs met.

They feel especially safe and secure in the attachment relationship.

Just go ahead and see that one more time.

And now notice how when we have all of our needs met,

That naturally the mind turns towards exploration.

And so now have them do a scene where they're exploring and playing.

Okay.

So go ahead and develop that scene now.

And now you can accompany them in their exploration or kind of sit on the sidelines watching.

But just make sure that they are the ones leading the play.

It's their play,

Their exploration.

And either be it that you're with them playing or that you're just observing their play and explorations from the sideline.

Really feel into this joy and delight that you take in the fact that they are expressing themselves.

Go ahead and feel into that now.

That's right.

That's right.

Keep going.

And now notice how supported they feel.

It's they just feel like they have wind in their sails.

Really see that,

Feel into that.

That's right.

Now there you are observing their play and they can tell how interested you are in their play.

And that resonates deeply inside of them.

And now also feel into how your support of their play is in fact an act of generosity.

You want them to be well and they really feel that.

Now notice how in as much as that they're so in touch with all the support that they're able to go out and explore to their utmost,

Out to the very edge of their abilities.

Go ahead and notice that.

That's right.

Keep developing the scene.

That's right.

Keep going.

And now especially notice how their play is also an expression of their own creativity.

So really see that.

And now especially delight in the way that they're expressing their own unique self,

How they're leaving their mark on the world in their own particular way.

And so here they really feel that their self is being supported and reinforced by you.

The importance of what they want,

The recognition of their uniqueness.

That's right.

Now imagine that they come back from their play.

So they're done with their play and they come back to you and they tell you all about it.

And so now physically feel like you're sitting at the edge of your chair.

You're leaning and you're so interested in what they have to say about their explorations.

And now this feels so deeply reinforcing.

That's right.

Really feel into that now.

That's right.

Really feeling into that.

Good.

Now dissolve that scene and let the focus fade away from their play and explorations.

And now the focus is them,

Just their very being.

Now as you kind of recognize them as themselves,

You can't help but feel a smile on the face,

A sweet smile of friendliness.

That's right.

You feel great delight in their beingness.

Really feel into that now.

And now there is nothing subtle about this.

This is so obvious.

You feel great,

Great delight.

And now they know and they feel that this delight that you're expressing,

This happiness that you're feeling is about them,

About their very being.

And develop the scene in such a way that becomes really clear to you.

That's right.

Keep going.

Keep going.

And now this delight that you feel towards them and the way that they so clearly recognize it.

This is another point of connection.

This is another way in which you all feel so connected.

This reinforces a sense of belonging.

Really feel into that now.

That's right.

Really feeling into that.

That's right.

Okay.

I make a deep impression of this.

And now turn your mind towards your real adult life going forward and feel into how this training and being the secure attachment figure for others will deeply impact you.

And we're going to see that and study that in this next short visualization.

So see yourself moving into your real adult life going forward.

And now notice the ease with which you connect with others.

Notice how you're so much more comfortable with attachment.

In the past,

Maybe you felt a bit ambivalent about attachment.

But now you no longer feel that way.

You feel totally capable of being very close and intimate with others,

Yet also boundaried and assured about your own individuality.

Go ahead and see that now.

That's right.

Really feeling into that.

And now notice how you can attune with others very easily and others attune to you.

So like you actually feel this in the body and in the mind.

You feel seen and known.

Also see yourself being physically affectionate with others in a way that really works for you.

That's right.

And now also see yourself delighting in others and then others delighting in you.

Really noticing how comfortable all of this is.

You're at total ease about this.

That's right.

There's a sense of mutual delight.

And it makes the relationships feel so rich.

Feel into that now.

Good.

And now notice how,

Okay,

So you have all of these really healthy,

Securely attached relationships and now notice how now as you turn your mind towards your own explorations,

Go ahead and see how you're much more able to go after what it is that you want,

Because you have all the support.

Go ahead and notice that.

That's right.

Keep going.

Okay,

Good.

Good.

Now make a deep impression of all of this.

Now just for a few seconds,

Look back.

What was this meditation like?

What did you learn?

What are the take-home messages?

Good.

Making a deep impression of that.

We'll count from five to one.

I get to one,

You'll be awake and present in the room,

Settled in the experience.

Five,

Four,

Three,

Two,

One.

Awake and present in the room,

Settled in the experience.

Reviews

Beautiful , might be meaningful for me to cultivate secure attachment , hopefull helps be more attuned in the moment abd less reactive or dissociated

This was amazing. Thank you so much for sharing this with the community 🙏. May you feel blessed, happy, and safe.