Becoming The Secure Attachment Figure

Attachment is an innate evolutionary drive in all of us. In childhood we seek attachment with parent figures, and we continue to be in attachment relationships throughout our lives. By visualizing the traits of secure attachment and seeing ourselves embody them we can grow into secure attachment figures, for our own happiness and of those around us.

Transcript

Go ahead and straighten up,

Pushing the crown of the head up towards the ceiling,

Now starting to settle in.

Now go ahead and take a super deep breath in,

Retain the breath below the navel,

And now exhale.

And now once again,

Super deep breath in,

Retain the breath below the navel,

And now exhale.

And now one more time,

Super deep breath in,

Retain,

And exhale.

Okay,

Good.

All right,

Now,

Can you really feel good about yourself?

Bring up a sense of delighting in yourself.

Bring a sense of kind of healthy pride.

You actually have a lot of really positive qualities.

There's so much good about you.

Really see all of that.

And actually smile.

And now feel that smile in the body.

And now really feel into kind of your own goodness.

And now feel into how you have enough,

That you are enough.

Really feel into that now.

I am enough.

I am good.

There are so many positive qualities about me.

And now imagine that the perfect nurturers,

And these are just kind of imaginal parent type figures,

Come to you,

And they see these good qualities in you.

And this further reinforces and concretizes your sense of goodness,

Your healthy pride.

I am good.

And now touch into this sense of generosity.

There is a sense of generosity,

And it kind of feels overflowing,

Like it's literally outpouring,

Pouring out towards the world.

And there's this kind of desire to help,

This desire for others to be well,

For others to have enough.

Now really feel into that.

I am good.

And now bring up an attachment figure in your life.

And if you don't have an attachment figure,

Then just invent one.

It's totally fine to do that.

And now first just reflect on your relationship.

You both know each other well.

You both love each other.

And now tune into that feeling tone.

And now feel that in the body,

This reciprocated love.

And now it's so clear.

They love you too.

Okay,

Good,

Good.

And now feel into this desire to protect your beloved.

And now see yourself actually protecting them.

Here you're imagining a scene where you're really protecting them.

And also feel totally competent,

Totally in control.

There's this feeling of strength and rectitude inside of you.

And now they feel totally safe with you,

Totally protected.

Now you can see that.

See and then feel how their whole nervous system settles.

That's right.

Really feeling into this now.

That's right.

Good.

Good.

And now also notice how your beloved completely trusts you.

Also notice how you truly are trustworthy.

Really feel into that now.

Good,

Good.

Now notice how you really take a sweet and non-invasive interest in the beloved's mental state.

Really open and interested towards them.

You're always taking a sweet interest in them.

Here imagine that you kind of lean in and tilt the head and say,

Oh,

What's going on?

How are you doing?

What's new for you?

And now there is something,

There's something about that,

The way that you are with them,

The way that you take an interest in them,

That touches the beloved really deeply.

There's something that about this,

It helps their nervous system settle.

That's right.

Really taking that in.

Okay.

And now we're going to work on three skills all at once,

Compassion,

Attunement,

And physical affection and physical soothing.

And so now imagine that the beloved is upset,

That some sort of suffering has arisen for the beloved.

Go ahead and see that in the scene.

Really do see how they're upset.

And now recognize how you get it.

You understand,

You've been upset before.

You know how this kind of thing can arrive.

And now lean in,

And tilt the head in the scene,

In the imagination.

And now say something to the beloved like,

Oh,

I see you're upset.

Tell me about it.

Help me understand.

I want to help you work through this.

Go ahead and do that in the scene.

That's right.

And now physically soothe the beloved,

Give the beloved physical affection in a way that really helps the beloved feel better.

Maybe you hold their hand,

Or maybe you have your arms slung over their shoulders.

However it is,

Go ahead and develop that scene.

And now see how this really does meet the need.

This touches the beloved deeply.

It soothes their upset.

And now see how you can feel that as well.

You're really feeling it in the body.

That's right.

Keep going.

And also feel into this quality of confidence in the beloved.

You know that the beloved is going to move through this just fine.

It's just a matter of time.

And now the beloved sees that confidence that you have in them.

And that also helps them settle and start to come into more emotional regulation.

Really see that now.

Now make this really vivid and feel it in the body as you're developing the scene.

And now imagine that the beloved needs to kind of give voice to this upset.

And so now they talk to you about it.

And now make yourself receptive and open to what it is that they have to say.

See how you listen sweetly.

You really want to understand.

That's right.

Keep going.

And as they're giving voice to their upset,

You're physically soothing them.

You're also conveying a complete confidence that they're going to move through this beautifully.

But you've also fully recognized the current upset.

Go ahead and develop that scene.

That's right.

Keep going.

Keep developing the scene.

And now given all of this attunement,

Soothing,

Compassion,

Support,

Etc.

They're really starting to feel better now.

And they're coming back into emotional regulation.

And now feel into how this is a great joy for you.

And they see that you are delighting in their being.

But then also in the fact that they're feeling better.

They're so happy.

And now this is a shared happiness.

And then specifically this happiness brings about a synchronization of mental and physical states between you and the beloved.

They're both really feeling good now.

And now also the beloved can see how rock solid,

How unconditional your love and support is for them.

So now go ahead and feel into this.

That's right.

Okay.

Good.

Good.

And now,

So see how the beloved is really feeling good,

Feeling very,

Very supportive,

Supported.

And now given that they feel so supported,

What we do when we feel like we have all of our attachment needs and other needs met is we explore or we play.

So now go ahead and see the beloved going off and exploring or playing.

And now feel great joy and delight in their play,

In their exploration.

Go ahead and feel into that.

That's right.

Keep going.

Keep developing the scene.

And now,

So they're off playing and exploring and you're cheering them on.

See how you're kind of tracking what they're doing,

But not in an anxious way,

But in a open,

Curious and supportive way.

Go ahead and see that now.

And now they feel so completely supported.

They like physically feel like the wind is in their sails.

So now really see that clearly now.

You can tell that they're out kind of exploring or playing in a way that's even more ambitious than usual because they have your unconditional support.

You are their secure base.

That's right.

Really feeling into that now.

And now imagine that they bring their play or explorations to a close and that they come back and they report to you what that was like,

What all that they discovered telling you about it.

They're so excited.

And now very important.

They can see your sympathetic joy.

You are absolutely delighting in their discoveries.

How wonderful.

You're so proud of what it is they're discovering,

What they're encountering in life.

And you can also see their creativity in their play and exploration.

And you can tell that to them.

Oh,

I noticed how creative and original you are.

I'm so proud of you.

That's right.

Really feeling into that.

And now see how this impacts the beloved deeply.

They're so deeply supportive.

And now you can see and feel how they know they can just go after anything that they want in life because they have your unconditional support.

Now see that.

And of course,

They rejoice in that.

And you do too.

And now feel that joy in your body.

And now notice how around this delight and joy about them and their explorations,

There is a sense of entrainment or synchronization of mental and physical states between you and the beloved.

And this makes you feel even the this makes both of you feel even more connected,

Even more like family.

That's right.

Keep going.

Good.

And now,

Now,

Let the emphasis on their play and exploration fade.

And now see how it is that you delight in their very being.

And now they can see that they see that you delight in who they are.

Specifically,

Just being in their proximity brings about these waves of joy and delight that you feel in the body.

And now you just can't help but smile.

That's right.

Keep going.

Now,

This point is very important.

They see that they see how you are a source of joy.

I'm sorry that they see how they are a source of joy for you.

Now really take that in.

They feel so good about themselves.

That's right.

Really taking that in.

And now see how this has such an impact on the beloved.

There's this quality of like,

Oh,

I can just take on the world.

I am supported so perfectly in this attachment relationship.

How wonderful.

Okay,

Good.

Good.

And now dissolve that scene.

And now we're going to review the meditation and then we're going to kind of apply the lessons of this meditation onto our actual lives.

So just look back.

What was this like?

What did you learn here?

Good.

But just seeing all of that clearly and also see how it is that you built up these qualities in yourself.

That you built up the quality and ability to actually give unconditional love,

To give compassion,

To soothe and attune.

Also to unconditionally delight in the other's being,

To support their explorations,

To be a source of trust,

To be generous.

See all of this clearly now.

And now taking all of this in,

And now turning your mind towards your real adult life going forward.

And now see how it is that you will move through your real adult life in a different way now.

See how you hold your head a bit higher.

See how you're more in touch with your own goodness.

See how you really are that ideal attachment figure to others.

Go ahead and see that play out in your life.

And now also because you can give all these factors of secure attachment to others,

Notice how you feel much more confident in being able to get these needs of yours met.

Much more confident now.

That's right.

And so now see yourself connecting with others,

Attuning to them and see them attuning to you.

And now see how there's mutual delight between you and others.

That's right.

Really take that in.

And also the last point,

See how now that the quality of your attachment relationships is so much higher.

Also notice how you yourself can now go after your own explorations.

Much easier,

Much better,

So much more confidence in the secure base.

So because you have a secure base,

You yourself can also go out and explore more ambitiously.

Go ahead and see that now.

That's right.

Now make a deep impression of this.

Really feel into this.

This is what you expect from life now.

Good.

And now I'll count from five to one.

When I get to one,

You'll be awake and present in the room,

Settled in the experience.

Five,

Four,

Three,

Two,

One.

Awake and present in the room,

Settled in the experience.

Reviews

The best meditation for attachment that I have come across so far…. Thank you 🙏🏼