Five Ways Of Integrating Mettā In Life | Venerable Canda

This talk was part of Venerable Canda's "Love to Break All Boundaries" Mettā retreat, at The Barn, Devon, between 3rd and 9th December 2023. Mettā, or loving-kindness, is a boundless quality of heart that embraces all beings, including oneself. Developing loving-kindness will cause a positive snowball effect which will permeate various aspects in our lives.

Anukampa Bhikkhuni Project’s charitable aims are to spread the Buddha's teachings and develop a “Forest Monastery” where, for the first time in the UK, women can train toward full bhikkhuni ordination and our diverse, dedicated community can continue to grow a spiritual sanctuary for all.

Transcript

It's quite cute.

So,

Yes,

This is the closing talk and it began with a beautiful spider,

A huge one,

For English standards.

And we took it outside,

Hopefully gently enough.

It was alive,

So that was a success story at the end of the retreat.

But what I really wanted to talk about was similar things,

Really,

Like how to treat spiders and how to treat ourselves.

But also to give you some kind of guidelines,

But also to be kind of realistic about the path as a whole.

Because when we're on retreat,

It's a very precious opportunity to develop particular aspects of the Eightfold Path.

And the ones we've most cultivated here are the last three,

Which come under the category of meditation.

So that's the right effort,

Through directing our mind in skillful ways,

Developing the wholesome qualities,

Which is a great way of diminishing the unwholesome ones and keeping them away.

All we have to do is actually bring a lot of wholesome qualities to our mind,

And the ones that harm and hurt us don't tend to find much space.

And of course the mindfulness,

Which we've co-joined with kindness,

And that is straight from the Buddhist suttas.

There's places,

Like the little verse I told you at the beginning,

Where the Buddha says mindfulness is not enough on its own to overcome enmity.

But there's also places in the suttas in the Bhojanga Samyutta,

Where the Buddha talks about all the factors of enlightenment should come together with love and kindness.

And also,

Of course,

The second factor of the path is right intention.

So it presumes,

All the factors presume,

That they include the previous factors.

And so they flow into each other like a beautiful waterfall,

But then they also circle back round.

So each one strengthens the next,

And when you develop the last three,

Then your right view will be stronger,

And it's a kind of gradual strengthening of the whole thing.

And the next one is the Sama Samadhi,

So we've been doing that as well.

We've been learning to gather our minds around a particular theme,

Which in this case has again been love and kindness.

And loving kindness has a very beautiful quality to settle the mind because it's so pleasant,

And it's easy to stay present with something pleasant.

Much easier than things that are disagreeable.

And we can bring the attitude of loving kindness even to the disagreeable.

And this is one way that we transform what at first seems disagreeable,

Whether it's an emotion or a physical feeling,

Even a sickness,

And it can actually start to seem agreeable,

Simply because we learn to accept and embrace it,

And thereby understand it,

And maybe some of the ways that even sickness can teach us.

For example,

Being just really grateful for life,

Grateful for the days when we're not feeling so sick.

And I know in here there are people with chronic conditions,

I'm also one of them,

And it's quite funny when I hear certain teachers talk about,

Oh,

It's terrible,

Isn't it,

When you have a bad day,

When you're not healthy,

It's terrible.

Gosh,

You wonder what's gone wrong,

And I'm thinking,

Really?

Gosh,

It's just normal for me to feel quite sick,

And then if I have a good day,

Oh,

I'm so grateful.

I'm so grateful that today my stomach is actually going that way and not everything coming this way,

Which is why I can't bow properly,

It's not because I'm stuck in the middle.

Things will come out,

Like the stomach is coming out at the moment from the diaphragm with this hernia thing.

Anyway,

So we have these things,

And after a while we can learn to relate to them as teachers and ways to bring more kindness and gentleness to our lives,

To our bodies,

To our situations,

And in this way we can apply the Metta to every situation in our life.

It's also important not to think of practice as only on retreat,

Which I think here you probably don't fall into that trap because it is a very integrated place to practice,

And outside in the world you can strengthen what you've already developed by integrating it further,

And it also creates a foundation that way for your next retreat.

So it's not like you have a retreat,

Then you go out,

And then there's this big void,

And you're thinking,

Okay,

When can I sign up for the next retreat?

That's your chance to start integrating it and modeling in a sense,

Like actually embodying what you've learned.

And when you do that,

Next time you come to the retreat,

It's as though you've kept your mind tidy,

You've kept the shelves in the cupboard kind of neatly folded,

So that when you come next time you don't open the cupboard and just everything falls out,

That linen is all mixed up with the socks and the bags and you don't know what's what.

It's all neat and orderly,

So you know,

Okay,

This is where the difficult parts of the mind are,

This is the remedy for that,

This is the right washing powder,

This is where I can find some happiness on this shelf or that.

So we keep our mind in order in our daily life,

Mainly,

Of course,

Through your daily practice,

But also by strengthening the other factors of the path which you're going to be practicing more often,

Like right speech,

Right livelihood.

I hope,

I'm sure most people here have right livelihood.

Even if you don't work to be paid,

You might be doing some kind of service or charitable work,

Where you're not paid,

Accepting happiness and meaning.

And what other factors do we strengthen outside?

We strengthen,

Of course,

Right intention all the time.

We can strengthen our right view when we see the suffering in the world.

We don't have to get sunk in it,

You know,

By reading too much news,

But try to see it and frame it in the context of the Buddha's teaching.

He told us this is how the world would be,

And there is a reason for that.

One of the reasons is the craving,

The greed,

The aversion that people let run in their hearts because they haven't heard the Buddha's teachings.

So instead of condemning everyone else,

We're lucky we have the teachings.

Maybe we can overcome those roots of suffering in ourselves,

And that will contribute to a much happier society.

So,

Yeah,

Also,

Being realistic about how far we've really started to change our tendencies,

Because all of us have very deeply ingrained anger and fear,

And all these tendencies are completely normal for an ordinary human being,

Unless you're already on the third stage of enlightenment,

Which is,

I don't know how far away.

But little by little,

We do start to see changes,

And the Buddha said,

You know,

There are different kinds of anger.

You can have anger that's very quick to ripen up.

It's very virulent,

But it doesn't last long.

Or you can have anger that's not so virulent,

But it lasts a long time.

Or,

Of course,

All kinds of combinations,

Right?

So it's virulent,

And it lasts a long time.

Or it's not so virulent,

It doesn't last too long.

And so we start to get to know these patterns in ourselves and the conditions that create one or the other situation and try and adjust those situations in our life.

The Buddha also said there's three kinds of person.

One is a person with anger that's like a rock,

That's like a line drawn on rock,

Chiseled into the rock.

It's so deep-rooted,

And there's so much resentment that it's become like part of the fabric of this rock.

It's very hard to wear down.

And then the next one is like a line drawn in the sand.

So you draw it in,

But it gets washed away,

Or people walk there,

So the winds shift the sand.

And the last one is like a line drawn on water.

So it's almost as soon as you draw it,

It disappears.

You can barely separate the water.

It just leaves a little ripple,

And then it's gone.

So it's enough if we see that our anger is coming a little less frequently,

Lasting a little less time.

Maybe there are gaps.

Maybe you can time yourself like Ajahn Chah said.

He said,

You know,

When you're angry,

See how long it can last.

Put an alarm clock in front of you,

See how long you can be angry for.

Of course,

It brings some amusement to the situation as well.

So even if you notice that,

That you're getting a little less angry in situations where you got angry before,

It's about noticing the positives.

So don't say,

No,

I'm still getting angry.

Notice,

Well,

Yeah,

But it's less than before.

And this will give encouragement to the mind.

But this is just the intro,

And I did promise to give a shorter talk.

So what I wanted to cover were five main themes.

Virtue.

Virtue is an expression of loving kindness,

Which is an expression of harmlessness.

You know,

The little spider,

I think it knew it could trust me because it carried on sticking to me,

Even after I tried to put it outside.

It was still on the seat because it was comfy.

So beings tend to have a sense of trust around people who are virtuous.

And in a sense,

It's our first responsibility as human beings.

And good citizens to live a virtuous life.

So there's the sealer.

And then I wanted to talk about,

What's the next thing?

Patience.

It's funny that I paused because that's one that,

For me,

Needs some work for all of us.

So patience,

Especially when criticized.

And harmony in community.

Wise friendship.

And basically how we can practice meditation in different ways.

That you probably already know,

So we can always skip it.

So to start with virtue,

You might be used to hearing virtue in terms of the don'ts.

But there is an active and a passive type of virtue.

There's the don't,

Which is the kind of just don't do it.

Refrain,

Restrain.

And then there's also the active,

Which is more about cultivation.

And it's very beautiful when we read in the text.

There's one in Majjhima No.

51,

The Khandharaka Sutta,

Which has one of the most full descriptions of this.

And it gives the converse for every precept.

So not just not killing,

But it says,

With rod and weapon laid aside,

With compassion and tender mercy for all beings,

One dwells protecting life.

Something like that.

So we don't just not kill.

That's not really good enough.

We actually try to promote and protect life.

And this includes helping other people flourish in life,

Whether it's through your generosity,

Or it's through your encouragement,

Lack of jealousy,

Sharing whatever you have.

And then for stealing,

That is the opposite,

The generosity.

Instead of taking what's not given or what doesn't belong to us,

We actually give of what we have.

We don't see what we have as some kind of special virtue of ourselves.

I worked hard for it,

Therefore I deserve it.

You worked hard for it,

Sure.

But you had certain privileges.

All of us here will have certain privileges.

And we had the opportunities,

And we took them.

And maybe that's why some of us might be fairly well off.

And so recognizing that that is based on past good karma,

We don't just sit and whittle it away,

But we say,

Okay,

Now I have to continue making good karma.

May all beings have a share.

And we can support charities.

If we're not financially well off,

We can give of our time to our friends or to those who need us.

We can join helplines.

You can just make your house look nice by looking after some plants.

That's what I like to do.

I guess that's protecting life.

Cultivate my plants,

Which are doing really well,

By the way.

They've multiplied.

I've got a lot of plants.

And it's a beautiful act of loving-kindness,

Actually,

To look after plants.

So I give them a lot of love.

And the next one is.

.

.

What is the next one?

The next one would be refraining from sexual misconduct,

The third one.

And,

Of course,

If we're celibate monks and nuns,

Then we don't have any sexual activity or even sensuality,

Really,

Other than food and nature.

And even there,

We try to use it for the spiritual path.

But for people who are in the world and who are involved in relationships,

It's a beautiful practice to be someone that your partner can trust.

So instead of betrayal,

We practice loyalty and trust and being completely open about how we're feeling,

About,

You know,

If you are in danger of kind of slipping up,

Then tell your partner and seek forgiveness as well.

And then the next one is about speech.

And this is really the most difficult.

Because somewhere in the suttas,

It's in the Sutta Nibbhata,

It says that we're born with an axe in our tongue.

And actually,

It's nice in the suttas.

It says sometimes we abuse each other with verbal daggers,

Which I think is so evocative,

Isn't it?

You know,

We actually,

Like,

Hurt somebody with our words,

Much more so than with our fists sometimes.

I presume nobody here goes around,

Like,

Fisticuffs.

I hope not.

But words can be much sharper,

And they tend to go right in.

And once you've said them,

They can't really be undone.

So,

I mean,

There's things that I must have said to my mom or she said to me that still kind of niggle,

Even though we know through actions that they're not true.

But,

You know,

You remember those hurts.

And we have to be careful with our speech.

I'm only restraining from false speech,

But there's this little acronym that I usually share,

Because you can remember the four types of speech to avoid.

For my higher good.

So,

For is fa,

F,

And that means abstain from false speech.

My,

For my,

Is malicious speech.

Higher is harsh speech.

And good is abstain from gossip.

So that helps you remember those four.

And it's beautiful in that sutra because it doesn't just say this.

It says that we use our words to promote harmony,

To bring together those who are divided.

We try to speak words that are moderate,

That are timely,

And that are worth recording,

And words that go to the heart.

So not only does speech have a lot of potential to do harm,

It has a lot of potential to do good as well and to lift people up.

And I think we can add to that by speech that is quiet.

Especially if somebody is upset and very agitated,

We can calm them down with gentle and soft and slow words.

I've seen my teacher do that when people are really upset.

Even in his talk once,

Somebody got very upset,

And he just was sunk back into his chair and started speaking so slowly.

And it was really inspiring because he was being kind of a little bit attacked.

It was just so wonderful.

This whole mood just shifted,

And everybody calmed down.

It was very beautiful to witness.

Sometimes we speak too much,

So moderate words is also good.

And sometimes the listening is more important,

Especially if someone is coming to you for advice,

What they don't really want necessarily.

You think they're coming for advice,

But they might just want to express how they feel and what's going on for them,

And we try and fix them up.

So instead of fixing a person,

Just sometimes listening does the trick.

I always feel fine after I've been able to express myself and feel unjudged.

It's usually most of the charge of the emotion drains away,

And I feel held and I feel heard.

It's like validating somebody's emotional world.

And most of the time we work things out for ourselves,

Especially when we can say them out loud and explore.

At least I work that way.

I explore things through words.

I don't have an answer and then articulate it.

I just kind of work it out along the way.

So it's really beautiful if we can give someone the gift of our presence like that.

So speech is a very beautiful thing.

The other thing that I think we don't do enough of is encourage others through our speech and also express our gratitude to those we love.

I have a best friend,

I think I've mentioned,

Since I was four years old.

I have a few really close friends.

There's another Dhamma sister who's probably 20 years at least,

22 years.

And with both of them,

Almost,

I mean,

Especially with my childhood friend,

Even though she's the most familiar,

We've grown up kind of closer than sisters,

I'd say.

Almost every email or letter we always say how blessed we feel to have such a close friend for our entire life.

And it's just a wonderful opportunity to be able to express gratitude to someone that has shown that unconditional love.

And it builds it,

It keeps it fresh.

We never take each other for granted.

We never argue.

I don't think we've ever had an argument,

Actually.

There's been times that we've gone a little bit our separate ways for a while,

But when we get back,

Like in India,

We went together and kind of lost each other for about two years.

And we went to various countries and had our own journey.

And when we met,

It's just like nothing's changed.

So really,

Friendship like that is amazing because it also gives you freedom to be who you are.

So I think we can use our speech in ways that is a bit kinder and more generous.

And it's not that common in England,

I think.

Is that fair to say?

I've traveled a lot and lived in different countries,

But here I find that people aren't quite forthcoming enough.

And if you praise them for something,

They think,

Oh,

Are they trying to sweeten me up or flatter me?

It's a bit unusual.

And I think it's a shame because we criticize ourselves so much and we really need to hear the opposite.

Apparently,

According to some psychological study,

It takes about two seconds for criticism to go in.

And sometimes it might not even be criticism,

But we take it in like that.

And it takes at least 30 seconds for praise to start going in.

You can feel that energetically when you try and tell someone a quality or something you're grateful for.

They're like,

No,

No,

No.

No,

It's you.

No,

No,

It's not me.

There's like a physical energetic rejection because we're so unused to it.

And so we have to really allow one another to accept this,

Receive this,

As well as offer words of encouragement and appreciation.

And that will make us happier.

So,

Yeah,

Just to extend the silo from the way we treat one another to the way we treat this planet.

And I haven't been involved in environmental activism.

It's something that's just one too many activist things for me to do.

But I think the very life of a Buddhist monastic or anyone practicing on this path is that an aspect of silo is contentment and simplicity.

And when we learn to be contented with little,

We don't exploit this world.

You know,

We tend to have a sense of reverence and care towards the resources that are there,

Especially living on arms,

You know,

Not leaving the water running,

Turning off the electricity,

Not kind of throwing your trash around,

Trying to clean up rivers and,

You know,

Make your immediate environment inspiring to others and just using less of the resources of this world.

Living a simpler life,

Smaller houses.

This is a really good idea.

Although I'm trying to establish a forest monastery,

Which means it should be big enough for guests.

Sometimes these days among the forest monastics,

We do talk about the possibility of living in cities,

In apartments instead,

Because that way people can access us more easily.

And it's much less to run,

Much less maintenance involved.

So it's interesting to reconsider the way we live our lives.

Maybe a one-bed apartment is enough,

You know,

Or a room in a shared house where you can continue that sense of community and share the resources you have.

So the next bit,

Which I promised not to forget,

Is the patience when criticized.

And here there's a lovely verse from the Suttas.

It's Majjhima Nikaya number 21,

And it is from the Simile of the Saw,

Which is a very famous Sutta about maintaining a mind free from hate,

Even when bandits cut you limb from limb.

And the Buddha actually goes so far as to say,

If you have a mind of hate,

Then you're not practicing my teachings.

So people find that obviously a bit extreme.

Hopefully they're ever in that situation,

A bit unrelatable perhaps.

But I think the point is that it's setting a bar so high that we can use it to reflect on our life.

Well,

If it's possible not to have hate when you're being cut limb from limb,

With a two-handed saw,

Not with a,

You know,

Something quick,

Then surely I can have a bit more patience with my mum or my grandmum or dad or whatever.

So it can help us to have a bit of perspective.

But another part of that Sutta is that it's encouraging us to react with love and kindness when we're criticized.

And I don't know about people here,

But being criticized is something most of us really dread and can't deal with very well at all,

Especially if we're very critical of ourselves.

And so the Buddha says,

Somebody else's speech towards you may be timely or untimely.

It may be gentle or harsh.

It may be true or untrue for your benefit or harm.

Or it can be with loving kindness or a mind of inner hate.

So obviously there are five types of speech that we should strive for the positives.

But other people might address us with hate,

With harsh words,

With not at the right time,

Not for our benefit.

And what do we do?

So the Buddha said we train like this.

And this is an expression of loving kindness.

Our minds will remain unaffected.

We will utter no evil words.

We shall abide compassionate for their welfare with a mind of loving kindness and without inner hate.

And then this is the bit that's really amazing.

He says we should abide pervading the four quarters with loving kindness.

And starting with that person,

We spread matter to the whole world.

So this is an example in the suttas where the Buddha is actually saying start with the difficult person.

So I find that quite interesting because it seems to me that he's trying to protect us right then and there before it gets into resentment,

Before it gets,

You know,

Escalated even more.

So we nip it in the bud in a sense.

And of course this is a training.

So I like reading these words because we can actually try to program our mindfulness this way by saying to ourselves,

You know,

Let my mind remain unaffected.

Let me not utter any harmful words.

Let me learn to abide compassionate for their welfare.

You can add the word learn or intend.

And we can do this every day.

We can wake up in the morning.

We can think about what's ahead of us.

We can think,

Okay,

I'm going to see this person most likely.

There's a chance I'll get angry.

Let me not utter any bad or harsh words.

Let me try and remain kind.

And you program yourself like this.

You can even bring that person up and make that determination,

Send some matter to them before you meet them.

And over time this helps because it's about changing yourself,

Not that person.

And of course,

If that's impossible with certain people because they're not willing to even receive your love and kindness and to be with that person would put you in danger in some way,

Then we can avoid those people and love the tiger from a distance,

Which means you can still have the intention to generate love and kindness.

But even there,

You don't have to go there with your mind unless you're ready.

So this is really great.

And then there's this other story from the Suttas that I wanted to bring up because it's about one of the Buddhist nuns in the time of the Buddha.

And quite often the stories are about the monks.

But this,

Actually,

Was she a nun?

She was a practitioner.

I'm not sure she was a nun.

Not at that time.

And her name was Uttara.

There was another nun called Uttara.

But this one was a householder,

At least at the time of the story.

So this Uttara,

In India,

You have to remember that marriages were usually arranged and the women didn't have a lot of freedom,

Let's say.

So they were kind of there to serve their husbands and to serve the in-laws as well.

And I think that's still the case in large parts of India today.

So she really wanted to go on retreat because she loved the Buddhist teachings.

She wanted to serve the Buddha and the Sangha.

But her husband and the in-laws weren't very happy about that.

So then she thought,

OK,

What if I can hire a courtesan to look after my husband and so he'll let me go on retreat.

So that's what she did and she got this courtesan called Sirima who came to look after her husband.

And then one day the husband was noticing his wife,

Uttara,

Serving the monks and nuns and being on retreat and wearing an apron in the kitchen and doing like what we do here,

What you've been doing,

Cooking and cleaning.

And he was filled with a feeling of disgust.

This stupid wife,

Why is she doing this when she should be here with me?

And the courtesan saw this and thought,

Great,

This is an opportunity.

He doesn't like her anymore.

Maybe I can destroy her and marry him instead.

This is the story.

And it's very terrible because what she did next was she heated some ghee and then when Uttara came back from the retreat,

She basically went for her and threw this ghee all over her.

And at that time,

I mean,

Melted butter would probably ruin your skin and you'd be left with terrible burns,

Disfigured,

Incredibly painful.

So the maids of Uttara,

Who were very loyal,

Started beating this courtesan up and really going for her.

And Uttara,

The one that had been burned with the oil,

Stopped them.

And she protected the person who'd attacked her.

And then she decided to go and see the Buddha and tell him what happened.

And the Buddha said,

Well,

What did you feel when this happened?

And she said,

I was full of loving kindness and gratitude because she'd looked after my husband for those two weeks while I'd been on retreat.

I didn't have any hate.

I only had love.

And as a result of that,

The person who poured this oil on her paid respect to her and became a disciple of the Buddha because she was so remorseful and so inspired.

Can you imagine?

And sometimes we might think these stories are,

You know,

Fables from the past,

But these things happen even today.

I remember reading about a black woman who was protecting some right-wing fascist,

White,

From people beating them up.

She actually protected them.

So these things are possible.

These things are possible when we continue developing loving kindness.

It's not something that happens overnight,

But at least it sets the possibility,

And I think that's very inspiring.

So the next thing is the harmony,

And this is also very beautiful.

And there was a quarrel in the Buddha's day in community,

The quarrel at Kasambi,

It's very famous.

And the Buddha was so fed up with his community because they were fighting over some stupid thing like who put water in the toilet.

You know,

You had to leave water for the next person,

Just like we have to leave toilet roll for the next person.

Somebody didn't leave the toilet roll,

And they thought they had,

And they said,

No,

You haven't,

And it created this massive argument among the community.

And the Buddha told them to stop,

And they basically said,

We'll sort this out ourselves,

Buddha,

You mind your own business,

Basically.

So eventually he left and went to the forest to meditate.

Can you imagine saying that to the Buddha?

Off you go,

Mind your own business.

We've got toilet business to discuss.

And then afterwards the Buddha was looked after by this monkey and this elephant who gave him food,

And I've got a beautiful paint,

It's like a sand painting in my room at my mum and dad's house that someone gave me in Burma.

It's like they draw these lines and they fill it with sand,

So anyway,

It's very beautiful of the Buddha in the forest with the elephant paying respect and the monkey.

It's really nice.

So that was from that time.

And as a result of that,

The Buddha then came back after a while and gave a teaching on cordiality,

And he said there were six things that conduced to cordiality in community.

So this relates to all of us,

Because all of us sometimes think,

Oh my goodness,

My community is a mess,

I have the wrong guest staying at the monastery.

Usually I don't think that,

Actually,

Because these days I have great guests.

But sometimes we might think,

Oh,

We should have never invited this person,

Or you can read the news and think what a mess society is,

You know,

And we can really despair.

So the Buddha said there were six things.

He said love,

Respect,

Basically that contribute to love,

Respect,

Cohesion,

Non-dispute,

Concord,

And unity.

Six ways of behaving.

And the first three are bodily acts of loving-kindness,

Mental acts of loving-kindness,

And verbal acts of loving-kindness,

In public and in private.

So we're not hypocrites.

We actually practice this when we're alone.

Again,

The same idea that we practice it towards people that we want to develop it towards before we even meet them,

And then there's much more chance it's going to arise.

And then the next three are sharing.

So the first one is sharing in common with one's spiritual friends or maybe family members or society.

Any gains that come to you,

In other words,

Any wealth,

Any material gains,

Any food that's come to you in a righteous way,

Means you haven't stolen it,

Right?

Or you haven't kind of,

Yeah,

It belongs to you and it's yours to share.

And the Buddha said,

You know,

Even if you're just sharing the contents of your alms bowl,

You shouldn't even let a single meal go by when you don't share.

So I always try and give somebody something from my bowl or find some way,

You know,

To share something because it just feels lovely and it's a sign of harmony and friendship to do that.

But the next two are even better.

Sharing in common virtue,

Basically.

Sharing in common virtuous qualities with those we live with,

Those we associate with.

And this conduces to all those things,

To love,

Respect,

Cohesion,

Non-dispute,

Concord,

And unity.

So this is very important because this,

The people we're around are the people who influence us the most.

And obviously if we have similar values,

Similar aspirations in our lives,

Then we can work together towards those goals.

And the last one is even more powerful,

Which is sharing in common,

Basically,

Wise view or the right perspective on life.

So that's the first factor of the path,

Usually called right view.

So a view that's in line with the Dhamma,

Understanding a bit about suffering,

Non-self,

Having gratitude.

There is mother,

There is father.

These are the words from the suttas.

There is mother,

There is father.

There are worthy recluses and brahmins.

It means there are people we should respect.

There are people that we have really looked after us,

Even if we haven't had good parents.

And I know that,

You know,

For many of us,

It's a mixed relationship,

Sometimes mixed at best.

But still they've given us this precious life,

You know,

And we can do so much good with that.

So we reflect in these ways and we realize we didn't come here alone.

We can't live alone.

We rely on so many other people and whatever benefits and whatever privileges and fortunes we have in our life are because of so many others.

So if we have this perspective,

Again,

There's a lot more gratitude in our lives.

And one of the examples of some monastics living together with this concord and mutual respect is from the suttas.

And there were three monks living together and the Buddha went there to ask them how their practice was and they said,

He actually asked them how they were practicing mindfulness.

And they said,

Well,

Whenever we go on alms round,

We come back and then whoever comes first sets out the place for us to eat.

They put out the foot washing water,

Wash your feet in ancient India.

And,

You know,

Whoever finishes first takes away the trash.

I'm speaking like an American now,

You should say Robin.

That's conditioning.

But we don't break into speech on account of that.

We just do it quietly.

We don't think that's your duty,

That's their duty.

Why didn't they do their duty?

We just do this together quietly,

Calmly.

And then once every five days,

We talk about the Dhamma.

Like milk and water,

Looking at each other with kindly eyes,

Which is just so lovely.

Looking at each other with kindly eyes.

And even though we're three in body,

We're one in mind.

So that's the example of virtue in common,

Right view in common.

And just acting as a unity,

Acting as one entity.

So they would make sure,

For example,

That if somebody's robe is torn,

All of them work on that first and then they go and meditate.

Or somebody needs a new requisite,

They make sure that person's comfort,

Then they go and meditate.

And also they would sit down in their meditation and think to themselves,

What a great gain it is for me.

What a great gain that I'm living with such wonderful,

Virtuous companions in the spiritual life.

So they would think in this way.

And that develops such a softness of the heart,

That gratitude.

Then it's like making a very fertile soil for loving kindness to flourish.

So how often do we do that?

How wonderful that I have this wonderful husband.

Maybe you do.

Wonderful wife,

Or wonderful argumentative brother or sister.

And think about,

Yeah,

Genuinely it's a gain.

There are things they give you,

But you don't always see eye to eye.

And that leads on to the next point which is about wise friendship that I think is super important for each one of us because the Buddha actually said it's the whole of the spiritual path.

Being around good people,

Choosing our friends wisely is the best thing we can do to promote our own flourishing.

And we all know how it is when you're around wrong friends,

Bad influencers,

Teenagers getting into drugs or getting this sense of a lack of belonging and then getting called up to all kinds of terrorist groups.

All kinds of things can happen when we don't have good friends.

It's nothing wrong with a person,

Although sometimes we might be easy to manipulate for various reasons.

But it's so,

So critical.

Nobody's above being conditioned by those that are around.

And for that reason,

The Buddha said wise friendship is the entire path.

If you have the inspiration to practice the Dharma,

That's going to be the way that you're able to get advice,

Good advice to keep you on track.

And again,

It's a source of immense happiness and gratitude when you have spiritual friends you can really trust.

So we try to cultivate those friendships that help us to grow,

Not those friendships that hold us back or relationships that hold us back,

Constantly criticize us but instead we go for the wise friends if we possibly can.

So you could meditate with other people in your community or you can even hang out with people online.

It's still a form of wise friendship.

We basically just need another perspective,

Another input in our mind so that we can start living in a different way.

Otherwise we're just running along with our old conditioning.

It's like a virus in the system to start unraveling and turning in a different direction.

So spiritual friendship is the whole of the holy life.

And then lastly,

About the practice.

I've got two minutes left and then I promised it would be time to have tea.

But the practice is basically what we said just now in the meditation.

Different ways to practice metta.

So in your daily life,

But at least every morning when you wake up,

See if you can generate thoughts of loving kindness and it will take a bit of discipline.

Maybe you want to put a note by your bed and the same before you sleep.

Go to bed with these thoughts of loving kindness even if you're not feeling it but at least put those thoughts in the mind.

And when you meditate,

Some people choose loving kindness as their main practice and it's a bonafide path.

It goes into the samadhi states and beyond as well and it will give your life a lot of happiness and joy.

So I would really recommend to do a lot of loving kindness practice in the various ways we've discussed.

Sometimes you might want to spend a whole session doing that.

Sometimes what I love to do,

Especially on a longer retreat,

Is start every meditation or most meditations with quite a bit of loving kindness and repeating,

Feeling some joy and some refreshment in the mind.

It also helps to overcome the wandering mind and that's helpful in busy life when you might be thinking all kinds of things that you don't really want to be thinking.

You can supplant those thoughts gently with the loving kindness.

And then once that's flowing,

Then I sometimes drop the kind of,

It's not really effortful but drop it a little bit and bring in the breath.

Let the mind settle on that.

So that's another way.

And also,

At the end of every meditation I've been accustomed and trained to spend five minutes just spreading metta.

So that the meditation is not just for me because I think in spiritual practice,

Especially when we're struggling to apply it or struggling to find time to sit,

We can get a bit contracted to the scope otherwise.

And we can forget that actually we're doing this for others as well.

And that brings a lot more softness and relaxation into the practice.

So,

Yeah,

Lastly,

Just to mention how important it is that we are able to really look inside our hearts,

Be honest with ourselves,

Investigate our triggers,

The things that send us in the wrong direction if you like and make a commitment to overcoming our anger,

Overcoming our greed and bringing more loving kindness into our life.

We can ask ourselves,

What do I really want my life to be in service of?

And what is it that I enjoy?

Joy is important.

What is it that you are good at?

Where can you really make a difference in other people's lives?

And lastly,

How can we live our lives with our values,

With our most deeply held values and with the path?

So these are things we can ask ourselves and try to live by.

And lastly,

Remembering that simile of the salt crystal,

Which I meant to speak about yesterday,

But this is one of the most powerful encouragements I think to keep going with the loving kindness because really we just want to make our minds as wide as we can and when we can have a big mind,

A wide mind,

A soft mind,

Then whatever we experience in life will have less impact on us,

Will have more capacity,

More resource.

So for example,

If something comes up from the past,

Some old hurt or even you do something wrong,

You know,

You do something that's really unwholesome.

The Buddha says if a person does something else that's unwholesome,

They really suffer.

They really are going on the wrong track.

But if generally your life is very good and your mind is very pure and full of metta,

Then if you do one little thing wrong,

It doesn't have much effect at all.

So the way that our karma ripens depends upon the mind that it meets in the present.

If our mind is full of wholesome qualities,

Then it will have very little impact when things go wrong.

But if our mind is small and constricted,

Then that little bit of salt in the glass will make it almost undrinkable and we'll suffer as a result.

And sometimes our mind is small just because we're too tired,

We're too overworked,

And then we might have to have a look at our life and think about the changes we can make.

You know,

Don't forget self-care.

Get enough exercise,

Get enough quiet time,

And just try to keep your leg wide and open and full of loving-kindness.

So,

Yay!

We did it,

Sort of on time.

And now,

If you can go with loving-kindness to have your tea and don't rush,

But we will have a meditation at seven,

So it's a little bit less time than usual.

Yes,

Here,

For half an hour.

And at that time we'll be spreading metta for about half an hour and after that we shall sit around the fire.

So,

Thank you very,

Very much for your wonderful company.

OK,

Come on.

Sadhu!

Sadhu!

Sadhu!

Sadhu!

Sadhu!

Sadhu!

Yay!

Wonderful.

Reviews

This is very helpful. Thank you.

Excellent! Very inspirational, relevant, and encouraging advice. Sadhu, sadhu, sadhu