Loosen The Grip - Exploring Control

In this solo episode, I am diving into control and how freeing it is when you let go. We need structure in our lives but we also need to release and let go. Most of us just want to know what is going to happen but there is beauty in the unknown. Listen in as I discuss how to let go of expectations, embracing the unknown, and exploring the release of control.

Transcript

Welcome to the sacred dance.

This podcast will aid you in finding balance and a polarizing reality.

I'm your host,

Annette Maria,

Purpose and feminine liberation coach,

Intuitive facilitator of healing and channel.

Exploring topics of spirituality,

Sexuality,

Healing,

And the energetics behind it all.

We are going deep into all that we experience on this human ride.

All is welcome and nothing is off limits.

You will experience conscious conversations with leading experts in the healing arts and channeled insights from me.

It's time for life to feel like a sacred dance.

Are you ready?

Hello,

Welcome to another beautiful episode of the sacred dance.

I'm super excited to chat today.

I am feeling fierce and fiery and this message needs to come through.

But first,

I always want to start,

At least my solo shows with a moment of experiencing the sacred dance of breath.

Take a deep inhale and exhale.

One more inhale and exhale.

The breath is such a teacher because it shows us one is not more important than the other,

Right?

The inhale is not more important than the exhale.

We need both.

That brings me into what I want to talk today with you about,

Which is the idea of control.

Yes,

There is an element that we need to have structure in our life and to have a grip on what we're doing.

But on the other side,

We also need to be able to release,

To let go,

And to not be gripping onto our reality,

Right?

One is not more important than the other.

Both are crucial to find harmony,

Balance,

And expansion on this earth.

To feel like a fulfilled human,

I think,

Is finding this neutrality in our reality that all that we are experiencing is beautiful and that's leading us to our highest expression.

So today I want to talk about control because this is a big one.

It's a big one for me,

Especially also for the women who come to work with me and just the people in my reality,

Right?

How many of us want to know what's going to happen with our big dreams,

With our desires?

How many of us want to know what's going to happen tomorrow,

The next hour,

At the end of this podcast?

How many of us have this deep craving to be the one that knows it all?

I'm raising my hand like super high.

I can't even see it.

Super high because that's gripping onto one side of the polarity.

That's going to one extreme,

Right?

So I want to share with you a personal experience,

A story of me trying to control.

So I mean,

Most of my life is me trying to control it and perfect it into to fit my expectations my needs,

My desires,

Not so much of what should be,

But how I want things to be.

But I want to take you back to 2017 when I asked,

I pleaded,

I bow down to universe,

God source,

Everyone to call the energy.

I'm going to call it God.

I asked so deeply,

God,

I just want to teach yoga full time.

Get me out of this office job.

I just want to teach yoga full time.

At the time I was working in a wallpaper company on the design team,

You know,

Doing a quote unquote cool job.

Only was there for a year.

That was enough.

And two weeks after I made this plea,

I was fired.

Totally released.

Given what I wanted,

Right,

Was this freedom.

Well then what the hell was I supposed to do?

Right?

I asked to teach yoga full time at that time.

That was the main portion of my medicine was teaching Asana classes.

And I freaked out.

I had no idea what I was doing.

You know,

Up until that point I had a plan,

You know,

I was in college for fashion,

Right?

But I knew deep down I wanted to teach yoga.

But I knew,

Oh,

I can just do both.

I'll go work a beautiful,

Luxurious fashion interior design corporate job.

And then on the weekends,

On the nights,

I'll teach yoga.

And I'll,

This is the plan,

Right?

This will lead me to where I want to go.

And this was the first time in my life that I didn't have a plan.

I had no idea what was going on.

I had no idea what was going to happen tomorrow because I was freed from the plan,

The expectation.

But my psyche,

My subconscious,

Oof,

Did not like it.

I went into such a state of fight and flight in my reality.

My anxiety was at an all time high.

The only time I felt okay was when I was sleeping or laying down.

No matter what I was doing,

I was constantly in this state of panic,

Whether it was utter panic or just subtle panic.

But I was constantly in a state of what's going on,

I need to know,

I need to know.

And with that is worry,

Right?

It was constantly in this deep,

Deep worry.

I wasn't able to understand what just happened,

Why it happened,

How to move forward.

How do you move forward when your whole life you're told you need to know what's happening next,

Right?

Like when people ask you in a job interview or this would always happen,

I was in the corporate world for one year.

But I was there.

I would be asked by my supervisor,

My boss all the time,

Well,

Where do you see yourself in five years?

And I remember even then that question used to irk the shit out of me.

I was like,

I don't know.

Do you want me to tell you what you want to hear that I would want to be at this job for the rest of my life?

That's not truth,

Right?

And it was hard for me at that point,

To be honest.

I remember you saying at one point,

I really hate this question because do you know where you want to be in five years?

Yes,

We may have goals,

Right?

We may have desires,

But it always felt like we were all trying to see if anyone else knew,

Right?

Like we were all trying to see like,

Oh,

Maybe that person knows what's going on.

Maybe that person knows what's happening.

And I think now looking back at that time in my life,

I can see that I didn't have any of the answers and I wasn't okay being on the opposite side.

I wasn't okay being in the space of not knowing because knowing was all I knew.

Knowing and planning was my reality up until for 23 years.

We know,

All right,

Yes,

I'm going to go to college and I'm going to do this and whatever.

You're in high school,

College,

All those things.

No one ever tells you.

No one ever teaches us about life.

And I think the greatest teaching thus far in my life is I don't know.

I don't know.

And that's the most liberating feeling right now in my body.

When I say I don't know,

I get chills because I don't need to.

I'm not in control.

I play a role.

I play a part.

But I'm not in control.

And if you told me that three years ago,

I would have probably had a panic attack and ran away from you and told you that you were insane because you need a plan.

But what did needing a plan do for me back then?

It gave me a false illusion on my reality that if I pretend like I know,

Everything is okay.

And the unknown seems so scary that it would consume me.

My anxiety was consuming me.

For almost a year of my life,

I wasn't able to,

You know,

Go to the store.

Even before having sex with my partner,

I would sometimes think,

Oh no,

Something,

What's going to happen?

Am I going to be okay?

Can I be out to dinner with anyone?

I couldn't really do anything besides sit down and feel something against my back to know that I was safe because I felt so unsafe in the unknown.

That even walking felt unsafe because I didn't know if something was coming up behind me.

That I didn't know if I,

You know,

Take a wrong step,

Is that going to be okay?

Am I going to fall?

Something horrible going to happen to me,

Right?

Like that was my reality for so long.

And I think it was for most of my life,

But it was clouded by noise.

Like I remember,

I remember when I was in college,

I had a beautiful roommate and I listened to music from morning to night.

And if she's listening to this,

Bless you for dealing with me.

Because I listened to music morning to night from the moment I woke up to the moment I would go to sleep because I was so scared.

I was so scared of the trauma I went through,

The pain I felt,

The anger that was inside of me,

The hurt,

The lack.

I was broken and unable to see how whole I was in that pain.

So me listening to constant music allowed there to be distraction.

And I used that coping mechanism for most of my,

You know,

Adolescent adult life until after I graduated,

Until after this time I needed quiet.

My being was screaming.

My soul was like shouting down at me.

Quiet down.

You're too loud.

You're making more noise.

You're the one that is perpetuating this.

Quiet down.

Quiet down.

And it was like slowly just kind of coercing me back to stillness.

My need for control kind of discredited my intuition,

Right?

Because again,

It didn't make sense.

It wasn't normal,

Quote unquote,

Right,

In society or however.

It wasn't normal to not know,

Right?

Even like the job or in the review or job interview when someone says,

Where do you see yourself in five years?

It's not normalized to say,

I don't really know.

And I think it needs to be.

I think there needs to be a value in not knowing.

That there needs to be this acceptance that we have no freaking idea what is actually happening tomorrow.

And that doesn't mean it's something bad.

Just because we don't know doesn't mean that we are going to be,

You know,

The world will end tomorrow.

Everything will crumble.

It's actually,

For me,

It's been shown the exact opposite for not knowing,

For softening into my connection with source God.

I felt the most beauty,

The most grace,

The most magic in my entire life.

Once I finally have surrendered,

And it still takes work,

Work,

Work to surrender,

To soften,

To devote myself to this is what I want.

This is what I desire.

But knowing that that's not all of it.

Me isn't it.

I am not the one doing it all.

I'm the one playing a part in it.

I'm on one side of the polarity.

On the other side,

There's God.

And I know God can be triggering to hear that term for some of us,

But the ultimate,

The creator source.

And it's this dance,

This sacred dance between the two,

Between what I desire,

What I hope for.

I like desire better.

Hope sounds like you're not sure of yourself.

What I desire,

Right?

I put out,

This is what I desire.

God,

What do you think?

And soften and find stillness and spaciousness.

And from there,

I allow,

Right?

Rather than trying to force this desire to fruition,

I play my role in it.

I put my ax and I put my eggs in the basket and I walk myself forward,

But I don't think that I'm the one creating.

I'm just the one experiencing the creation of the ultimate.

I think once we can soften into that,

Even just for today,

Even just for the moment,

There can be so much greater peace in your being,

So much greater peace.

You need to get a deep breath to know.

It's okay to not know,

Right?

Especially with all that's going on with COVID and the pandemic and everything right now.

We are being shown on such a global collective scale.

No one knows.

It's just the truth.

And yes,

I have very intuitive senses.

Some psychic energy comes through.

I still don't know.

I have the ability to channel,

To connect.

That doesn't make me the source of it all.

That makes me an aspect of the source of it all.

And I think this is also a big part of spirituality,

Especially spirituality,

That oftentimes people say you are God.

And when I used to hear that,

I used to think,

How the fuck am I God?

How can this being of distortion,

You know,

Unworthiness lack,

How can I be it?

I think it was until I switched my perspective and I heard a beautiful Bhakti teacher talk about this.

It wasn't until I switched my perspective to,

I am an aspect of God.

I am a piece of source,

But I'm not all of source.

That I was able to have more space in me.

That I'm not all of it.

I'm just a piece of it.

Because especially to our human psyche,

How can we,

Especially to those who are listening,

You know,

Love,

Control and whatever,

How can we allow ourselves to recognize that?

You know,

We are an aspect of it,

But we're not all of it.

But when you think you're all of it,

How much more pressure that might put on you even subconsciously or even again to your human psyche.

It's hard for it to understand I'm God.

People you know,

I'm like,

I'm that?

No way.

How is this possible?

So and again,

I don't know,

Right?

Maybe I am.

Maybe you are too.

And I think it's important to know that,

You know,

We're all a piece of it.

All of us woven together,

All create an aspect of it.

And I can't even begin to comprehend the beauty and the immense light that there is in source and God.

But again,

I don't need to know it all.

Right?

I can just keep evolving,

Opening my heart,

Speaking,

Connecting inward,

Knowing that the connection is within me to find.

And I think with those of us who are struggling with control,

Especially during

Reviews

Resonated with and inspired by this talk and your live that I caught part of today. Will definitely check out your podcast. Thank you for sharing your gifts with the world! ❤️🙏❤️