Chapter Two.
Do you self-sabotage?
Over-planning,
Failing to plan,
And rushing are all typical behaviors we see in people who tend to self-sabotage like Ophelia.
Great people overwork,
Over-plan,
And rush,
Trying everything they can do to win.
And at the finishing line,
They make an elementary mistake that caused their goals to evaporate what took days,
Months,
And even years to make.
Just like Ophelia,
They swim and swim,
Just to die on the beach.
It seems unfair.
It may even look like bad luck.
How can bad things happen to good people?
How can a great mother,
Partner,
Daughter,
And worker fail due to a small mistake?
There are too many smart,
Successful,
Beautiful,
Thin,
Fat,
Tall,
Short,
And all shapes and types of women who work hard to achieve their goals,
Get very close to the finish line,
And lose their footing only a few steps from the finish line.
Why?
Do they change their minds?
Do they forget about their goals?
Do they believe it isn't possible?
Do they have a conflict with their values?
Do they give up?
I believe it's a combination of all of those.
In other words,
It's because of self-sabotage.
People who self-sabotage do so because they lack self-trust,
The ingredient necessary to stop the excessive doing and pushing through that cause burnout.
It also leads them to collapse a few steps from achieving their goals.
Ophelia's story is,
Of course,
The worst case scenario,
But it illustrates what can happen if we don't stop the self-sabotage cycle.
Self-sabotage is a safety mechanism that people unconsciously create to protect from disappointment,
Pain,
Shame,
Or sorrow.
It's the chosen tool people use to hide their ambition more often than they care to admit.
Recently in America,
There was a significant incident of a strong,
Smart,
Successful,
And accomplished woman who died on the beach after swimming for a few years to reach the White House.
Women all over the world cried in disbelief.
She is not the only one.
Ophelia's story is a metaphor,
Of course,
But think about how many women you know who are tired,
Overworked,
And mentally,
Emotionally,
And physically spent.
Perhaps you are like Ophelia.
In my close circle,
I can count up to 15 women who behave like Ophelia from time to time.
More than half of them don't even realize how deeply depleted they are.
They are brilliant,
Driven,
And supportive women,
But are also burned out.
Take it a step further and consider how many brainless mistakes these incredible women made when they were close to the finish line and didn't even know because they were exhausted.
Just like Ophelia,
We may blame our boss,
Partner,
Job,
Family,
Employees,
Co-workers,
Or anyone else we believe is contributing to our sense of depletion.
I certainly did.
But the truth is that we have no one else to blame.
We just need to look in the mirror with the eyes of compassion.
Our first inclination is likely to go into denial.
Self-sabotage is hard to recognize in ourselves.
Our mind can't comprehend the thought of stabbing ourselves in the back.
The natural way of being is to protect and not hurt the self.
Yet we do it all the time.
Before dismissing the possibility that we may be creating our own burnout,
Please consider the times you felt exhaustion,
Depletion from overworking,
Mental fogginess,
And even serious diseases.
It all came about as a result of personal choices.
No one placed you at gunpoint and told you that you had to work 14 hours a day or seven days a week and then volunteer,
Clean,
Cook,
Help,
And support every relationship in your circle.
No one kidnapped your freedom to say no.
No one forced you to solve every family problem.
There was no one keeping you from sleeping by repeating all of the issues from your day.
We do it to ourselves.
But why?
The answer is simple.
We learned it.
Just like we learned to walk,
Brush our teeth,
Or cook fried eggs,
We learned how to self-sabotage ourselves with burnout and other lesser levels of depletion.
We learned it from our family members and the people around us.
It has become wired in our brain pathways,
And it has become a habit.
Just like smoking,
Drinking,
Or brushing your teeth.
People may call us Type A personality,
But it has nothing to do with our personality.
People with other personality types have the same tendency to self-sabotage as anyone else.
As I said,
It's a habit.
This habit was created as a security or safety mechanism to keep us safe from what is perceived as harmful.
This idea may not make any sense to you yet,
But stay open to it as I continue to explain.
There are four reasons people come up short of their goals.
Their thought patterns are one or a combination of these.
They don't believe they can reach it.
They forget the goal by being busy.
They change their minds because they think their goals are hard or their goals aren't aligned with their values.
The belief that money is evil,
Not feeling worthy,
Believing that women need to stay at home,
Etc.
There is always a thought pattern underneath self-sabotage.
People with behaviors similar to Ophelia have beliefs that are not aligned with their desires.
Perhaps they believe they aren't good enough to get promoted.
So to compensate,
They overwork and overthink every decision they make.
Self-sabotage can also be the result of people who change their minds or don't want to risk disappointment.
Anyone can change their minds.
It's a right we exercise.
However,
We need to look at the reasons behind it.
Perhaps we don't believe our goals are possible and we lack the confidence to see them through.
We might even pile up more activities and use them as an excuse not to continue on our path.
That's when we see people volunteering to do more when their plate is already full.
This will take time away from actions that are aligned with our goals.
I invite you to explore the unconscious thoughts you may be carrying around that could sabotage your desires.
On some unconscious level,
Those who fail to attain their goals didn't really want to win in the first place.
Every goal is achievable.
If you can imagine it,
Believe it is 100% possible.
It can be done.
Ask yourself,
Do you really want to win?
Why do you work too much?
What are you afraid of losing or trying to protect?
Why do you feel you need to self-sabotage?
At first,
Nothing may come to mind,
But please stay with it a bit longer with these questions.
Grab a cup of tea,
Take a pen and a journal and write your thoughts down.
Your body will try to distract you with thoughts about laundry,
People at work or any other issue,
But return to the questions.
It helps when you rewrite the questions on paper.
Breathe and then answer without thinking too much.
I've discovered that women who work too much tend not to listen to their bodies until it screams.
That's the panic attacks,
Headaches,
Migraines,
Frequent colds,
Etc.
When the body calls for attention,
Your mind will sabotage you and your goals.
Your body will betray your capacity and your spirit will patiently wait for your return in hopes that you decide to change.
This is a fact.
Every disease in your body,
Every near miss and every emotional setback are opportunities for change.
It's important that we are clear about our goals and our inner beliefs or values.
We don't want them to contradict each other because if they do,
We will sabotage our desires unconsciously.
If we value time with our children,
Having a goal to be a CEO will cause us to self-sabotage.
If we want to own our own business and believe it's hard for women to build a business,
We will sabotage our actions.
If we don't believe we can be promoted,
Working harder will create self-sabotaging behaviors.
If you want to be a dental assistant and value your family approval,
But they believe it's a lower job,
You will sabotage yourself.
Find out what you believe.
Know your values.
Understand what is behind your desires and you will be well on your way to stopping self-sabotage and building self-trust.
Life jacket.
Do you know your values?
Do you know what is important to you?
What do you value in your life?
Being clear about your values will help you stop sabotaging behaviors.
Use a journal or write on a piece of paper to complete this exercise.
This process or life jacket will help you keep afloat.
List your top three goals.
List your top five values.
For example,
Family,
Love,
Security.
Do your values contradict your desires or goals?
There is a little bit of a philia in all of the people who work too much.
That isn't a criticism,
But it's a cautionary tale that's your opportunity to surrender and learn.
I invite you to rewrite your story and avoid dying on the beach.
