When You Want To Harm Your Abuser: Soft Talks

If you have violent thoughts about the person who abused you, you're not a bad person—you're having a trauma response. Your body is trying to complete the fight response it couldn't complete during the abuse. In this Soft Talk, I give you five gentle ways to move the rage through your body safely: physical release, writing unsendable letters, rage rituals at your altar, inner child work, and releasing the pressure to forgive.

Your rage is valid, and it needs somewhere to go.

Transcript

Welcome to Soft Talks where we discuss the hardest topics with the softest approach.

I'm Alonia and in this series we're not bypassing the hard stuff,

We're facing it,

But we're also finding soft ways to move through it.

Today's topic is one many people are afraid to talk about,

But if you're here you need to hear this.

If you've ever had violent thoughts about the person who abused you,

If you fantasized about harming them,

Hurting them the way they hurt you,

Making them feel what you felt,

You're not alone and you're not a bad person.

Today on Soft Talks we're discussing the rage that comes with abuse,

The kind of rage that scares you,

The kind you don't tell anyone about because you're ashamed of how violent your thoughts are.

We're going to talk about it honestly and then I'm going to give you five soft ways to work through it because this rage is part of your healing,

But it needs somewhere to go.

Let's start with the hard truth.

If you were abused,

Especially if you were abused as a child,

You likely have some form of rage,

Not just anger,

Rage.

The kind that makes you fantasize about confronting your abuser violently,

Hurting them the way they hurt you,

Making them feel every ounce of pain they caused you,

Watching them suffer,

Thoughts of physical harm that scare you,

And then you may feel ashamed.

You think what's wrong with me?

I'm a terrible person for thinking this.

I'm just as bad as they are.

But here's what I need you to understand.

These thoughts don't make you a bad person.

They make you human.

Your rage is your body's response to violation.

When someone abuses you,

Especially someone who was supposed to protect you,

Your body and psyche register it as a threat and rage is the natural response to a threat.

Rage says that this was wrong.

I didn't deserve this and I want to fight back.

The problem is when you were being abused,

You probably could not fight back.

You were too small,

Powerless,

Too trapped,

So the rage got stored somewhere in your body.

And now,

Years or even decades later,

It's surfacing as violent thoughts and fantasies.

This is your body trying to complete the fight response it couldn't complete then.

You're not bad for having these thoughts.

You're having a trauma response.

I want to validate something that's hard to say out loud.

It's okay to be enraged at your abuser.

It's okay to hate them.

It's okay to wish they would suffer.

It's okay to want revenge.

It's okay to have violent thoughts.

Having the thoughts doesn't mean you'll act on them and it doesn't make you like them.

Your abuser harmed you because they wanted power and control.

They chose to hurt someone vulnerable.

They're having rage because,

Well,

You're having rage because you were harmed.

Because your body is trying to protect you because you're processing trauma.

These are not the same.

So first,

Let's release the shame.

Your rage is valid.

Your violent thoughts are a trauma response.

You're not bad.

You're hurt.

And now let's talk about what to do with this rage.

Tip number one,

Move the rage through your body.

Rage is stored in your body and it needs to move through your body,

Not just your mind.

Here are some somatic ways to release rage safely.

Literally shake your body.

A practice known as shaking.

Arms,

Legs,

Your whole body.

Let the rage shake out.

Hitting.

Get a pillow,

A punching bag,

Or your mattress.

Hit it.

Pound it.

Let your body do what it couldn't do then.

Fight back.

Screaming.

Go to your car,

Into a pillow,

Or somewhere private.

Scream.

Let the sound come from deep within,

From your belly.

Let it be ugly and primal.

Tearing.

Rip up paper,

Cardboard,

Old clothes.

The physical act of tearing can release pent-up rage.

Drumming.

I love to drum.

If you have a drum,

Drum out the rage.

Let the rhythm carry it away out of your body.

Your rage is energy.

Give it a physical outlet.

When you move rage through your body,

You complete the response your body was trying to have during the abuse.

This helps your nervous system process and release it.

Do this regularly.

Don't wait until you're exploding.

Practice releasing rage in small doses.

Tip number two.

Write the unsendable letter.

Get a journal and write a letter to your abuser that you would never send to them.

Write everything you wish you could say.

What they did to you.

How it destroyed you.

How much you hate them.

What you wish would happen to them.

The violent thoughts you have.

Everything.

Don't censor yourself.

Let it be as dark,

As violent,

As hateful as it needs to be.

This is not for them.

This is for you.

Write it all out.

Every ugly thought.

Every violent fantasy.

Every bit of rage.

And then,

And this is very important,

Destroy it.

Burn it in a fire.

Safe container.

Rip it to shreds.

Bury it.

Flesh it.

The destruction is part of the release.

You're not sending this energy to them.

You're releasing it from your body.

You can do this as many times as you need to.

Every time the rage builds,

Write another letter.

Release it.

Destroy it.

This gives your rage a container and a release without harming anyone.

Tip number three.

Create a rage ritual at your altar.

If you have an altar,

Create a rage ritual and here's how to do that.

Set up your altar with items that represent your rage.

It can be a red candle and you can have things such as stones or crystals,

Such as black obsidian,

Red jasper,

Photos of your self who was hurt,

Symbols of protection.

Light the candles.

Sit at your altar and then let the rage come.

Speak it out loud.

I hate you for what you did to me.

Drum it out.

Shake.

Cry.

Yell.

Write it down and burn the paper in a fire safe bowl.

Move your body.

This creates a sacred container for your rage.

You're not suppressing it.

You're not acting on it.

You're giving it a place to be witnessed and released.

Your ancestors,

Your higher self,

The sacred,

Whatever you believe in can hold this rage with you.

After the rage ritual,

Thank your altar.

Thank yourself for having the courage to feel it.

Close the ritual with water or a prayer.

This practice honors your rage as sacred while keeping you and others safe.

Tip number four.

Work with your inner child's rage.

So the valid thoughts that you're having,

They're often coming from your inner child.

She is the one who wanted to fight back but could not.

She's the one who's still enraged.

So do inner child work specifically around rage.

Visualize your inner child,

The age you were when the abuse happened and ask her,

What do you want to do to them?

Let her tell you.

Don't censor her.

She might say things like,

I want to hurt them or maybe I want them to disappear or maybe she'll say,

I want to make them feel what they did to me.

Validate her.

Tell her I hear you.

What they did was wrong.

You have every right to be angry.

Then ask her,

What do you need from me right now?

Maybe she needs you to protect her.

Hold her while she rages.

Believe her.

Maybe she wants you to promise that she'll never be hurt like that again and give her what she needs.

Reparent her through the rage.

Tell her that you're safe now.

I've got you.

You don't have to fight anymore.

I'll protect you.

This helps your inner child feel safe enough to release the rage because she knows you're finally on her side.

Tip number five.

Understand that healing doesn't require forgiveness and this is a big one.

Here's the softest truth I can give you.

You don't have to forgive your abuser to heal.

You don't have to let go of the rage before you're ready.

You don't have to be over it or past it or spiritual about it.

Your rage is protection and you can hold it as long as you need to.

What matters is that the rage doesn't consume you.

That it doesn't control your life.

That it doesn't keep you stuck.

But you can be enraged at your abuser and healing at the same time.

You can have violent thoughts and be a good person.

You can hate them forever and still build a beautiful life.

Your healing is not contingent on your forgiveness or your spiritual bypass.

Soft tip number five is simply this.

Release the pressure to be over it.

Honor your rage for as long as you need to.

It's totally fine.

If you're carrying rage at your abuser.

Rage that scares you.

Rage you're ashamed of.

Rage that feels too big.

Please hear me.

You're not bad.

You're not broken.

You're not like them.

You're hurt and rage is how your body is trying to protect you and process what happened.

The five soft ways to work through it.

Move the rage through your body.

Write the unsendable letter.

Create a rage ritual at your altar.

Work with your inner child's rage.

Release the pressure to forgive.

You don't have to suppress the rage.

You don't have to act on it.

You just need to give it somewhere safe to go.

If you need support working through rage and trauma,

I hold space for this in my circles as well as in my soft heart society.

The rage is welcome here.

Thank you for being here.

Thank you for facing the hard stuff with me.

This is Soft Talks.

I'll see you in the next episode.

But until then,

May you honor your rage and find soft ways through it.